Advice for a poly wife

MimiPhryxus MimiPhryxus
Hello everyone,

I am married to a man I dearly love. We went into polyamory not long after getting married because he knew I am bisexual and really crave a relationship with another woman as well as on with him.

We've been in 5 relationships now with women that dated both him and me as we were looking for a triad relationship. Only 1 of those 5 women dated the both of us and was genuinely attracted to me, 4 others admitted after months of dating that they only were with me to be with my husband.

I'm not sure how much more my self-esteem can take but when I bring up having a quad or open relationship with my husband he remarks that maybe we shouldn't be poly at all. I want a girlfriend but having one that likes him and I both seems impossible. There's a reason they're called Unicorns.

How can I get across to him that I want poly but I'm not sure I can go for another girl that dates us both and actually trust her?
04/05/2013
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Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by MimiPhryxus
Hello everyone,

I am married to a man I dearly love. We went into polyamory not long after getting married because he knew I am bisexual and really crave a relationship with another woman as well as on with him.

We've been in 5 ... More
You need to slow down and take a breath dear. I know you are aching for that feminine touch but sometimes you just have to get yourself right and let this person you are searching for get herself right. Work on your marriage and make it a warm, comfortable, safe and sexy place to be for you and your man. Nothing is more attractive to a unicorn than a warm stable place (pun intended).
Your man is amazing, if he wasn't you wouldn't be with him so you gotta expect that these other fools are gonna notice that as well. It comes with the territory and...well, women are kinda strange creatures.

So first I advise you sit with your loving man and become comfortable with the idea of being with your loving man. Make a list of the qualities you value in him...chances are these are the same qualities you are looking for in a third. Then imagine her, while you work on your current relationship. Be specific in what you are looking for and really soul search what you need to do to be the sort of person she needs. (No I don't mean superficial things like losing weight, etc.) You want a woman who sees your love for your guy and values that because she knows that your love for her will be just as wonderful and steadfast, right? So work on making yourself a shining beacon of your love for him. SHOW every woman you meet how much you value him and how you would never leave him. How hard you are willing to work to make it with him. It sounds counterintuitive but this is the stuff that draws your unicorn out of hiding.

You want a partner who will be the third leg to your relationship table, who will build stability for all three of you but this takes time, effort and screening...lots of screening. I didn't let my partner see my face for over three years! You don't have to wait that long, obviously, but you should make romance something to strive for not a given. Make her work for you! Let her see that you are worth some effort and soon enough your husband will just be added gravy in an already wonderful relationship you have with her. Above all don't sell yourself short. You deserve loving attention in equal measure, though in different ways, as your man does.

Also remember that relationships NEVER build the same way, EVER! Be prepared to trust your man and love the next woman for quite a while, if it must be, before she returns your loving attention. Build your relationship with her but don't compete with your man and his relationship. Above all else drop any woman who advises you to leave your man when you inevitably get angry and share your hurt. Any person who does that is not a unicorn but a homewrecker, you know providing your husband isn't a lousy man to begin with! A loving third will ache for you and be concerned when you argue and fuss with each other but she will stand firm that you can and will work it out.

Trust me Doll, they DO exist. Just keep your chin up and keep working on what you have so when you get the chance at a real unicorn you can relax and enjoy the ride!
04/05/2013
js250 js250
I was going to suggest having you talk to Airen about this situation. She is very knowledgeable and is a successful part of a polyamorous(?) relationship. She has also written an article for Sexis that may also help...
04/05/2013
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
I was going to suggest having you talk to Airen about this situation. She is very knowledgeable and is a successful part of a polyamorous(?) relationship. She has also written an article for Sexis that may also help...
I am always willing to talk
04/06/2013
earthmama earthmama
Girls can be strange, but in my experience a couple who has a strong bond will be attractive even to a woman who doesn't necessarily consider herself bisexual. The love of the primary couple is a strong attractant, the strength of that union will help draw the right third person. Most people do date a while before finding the right person to marry, right? Why would it be any different in finding the perfect third?
04/07/2013
Kirsten A Kirsten A
Quote:
Originally posted by MimiPhryxus
Hello everyone,

I am married to a man I dearly love. We went into polyamory not long after getting married because he knew I am bisexual and really crave a relationship with another woman as well as on with him.

We've been in 5 ... More
Hi! I am part of a triad. An outsider looking at me might consider me a unicorn, since I am a female dating a married couple. However, none of us was looking for a triad at the time. I fell for my girlfriend and gradually got to know her husband. He and I started a relationship about 8 months after my girlfriend and I did. It evolved naturally.

So, I know that what you are looking for is a very nice thing once you get it. Big cuddle piles, sexy three-ways. I also know from firsthand experience that it is also a more complicated way to do poly than a standard "V".

The difficulty with *searching* for a triad is that the odds are not very high that a person is going to be attracted to both you and your husband (and be willing to be poly). We already limit our dating pool significantly by being poly.

And personally I think that it is a little icky to have the restriction of "if you want to be with me, you have to be with my partner" on a potential partner. I don't want anyone to be romantically involved with me if they don't genuinely want to be. Setting up that assumption can set up sexual pressure. Sexual pressure is a turnoff for me.

Letting relationships evolve naturally, rather than constraining them before you even meet the person, has been so important in my poly journey.

A really big part of poly is examining your own cultural assumptions and emotions. Poly is hard work. I would gently suggest that you think about whether it's absolutely necessary for your potential partner to be involved with your husband.

If that is out of the question, then I guess I don't have any advice for you. But if you're willing to mull it over, there are a lot of good resources for people who are thinking through these kinds of things:

1. Polyamory Weekly podcast. link This show is sometimes kinda random - it can be about kinky elements in TV one week and working through poly stuff the next. I'd recommend episodes 330, 311, and 277 to start. You can search terms in the search box. Note that in episode 330 when she says "opening your relationship to a third" she doesn't really mean in a triad sense, just in the sense of any outsider having a relationship with someone in an established couple.

2. link This site is written by Franklin Veaux, who I love. He is wise and experienced without being rude or holier-than-thou.

3. link. This is a forum with a good number of experienced poly people. They definitely have wisdom to impart, but sometimes do so rather forcefully. They may not sympathize with your unicorn hunt, but if you are open to considering other ways of doing poly, they will be a good resource.

Some people swear by the books The Ethical Slut and Opening Up. I found The Ethical Slut to be very theoretical. It might be useful for people who need their cultural assumptions reprogrammed but it wasn't helpful for me. Opening Up is useful to provide you with several possible relationship models. But if you are set on a relationship model already, maybe not the most useful.

Anyway, I hope that helps. Good luck!
04/07/2013
anonymous1298304 anonymous1298304
this is the reason that i don't really believe in the "package deal" arrangement. I think it makes sense to look for someone that has a connection and can build a closeness with all those involved. But limiting to someone who is romantically AND sexually involved with both seems like setting yourself up for someone trying to "force" themselves to feel the same about both of you. or for that matter the both of you feeling the same toward her.
04/07/2013
KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
Quote:
Originally posted by Kirsten A
Hi! I am part of a triad. An outsider looking at me might consider me a unicorn, since I am a female dating a married couple. However, none of us was looking for a triad at the time. I fell for my girlfriend and gradually got to know her husband. He ... More
"And personally I think that it is a little icky to have the restriction of "if you want to be with me, you have to be with my partner" on a potential partner. I don't want anyone to be romantically involved with me if they don't genuinely want to be. Setting up that assumption can set up sexual pressure. Sexual pressure is a turnoff for me."

This is a big thing. I found that my poly is so much smoother after pressures were removed to be with a specific type of person. Emotions are organic and need to be let some room to evolve.
04/18/2013
RosesThorns RosesThorns
So maybe you should look at dating a woman first THEN introduce her to your husband? Get to know her on your own develop a relationship just the 2 of you and go from there....? *shrug*
05/10/2013
Total posts: 9
Unique posters: 8