How do you deal with jealousy?

mastersonv mastersonv
If you are in a polygamist relationship how do you cope with the issue of jealousy?
12/08/2011
  • Save 60% on Spooktacular Kits  - 3 item set
  • Wicked Treats - Save 60% on 3 Item Set

    • Eden leather blindfold
    • Flaming amour silicone pearl bunny
    • Eden's glass ben wa balls
    Save 60% on 3 Item Set

    Expires on Oct, 31 at 3am ET Terms

  • Ghost Bride - Save 60% on 3 Item Set

    • Casper
    • Leather strap rider
    • Simple Clamps
    Save 60% on 3 Item Set

    Expires on Oct, 31 at 3am ET Terms

  • Black Magic - Save 60% on 3 Item Set

    • Eden Beaded Clamps
    • Heart Silicone Beads
    • Onyx
    Black Magic - Save 60% on 3 Item Set

    Expires on Oct, 31 at 3am ET Terms

  • Better Price Sale - Save 70%
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by mastersonv
If you are in a polygamist relationship how do you cope with the issue of jealousy?
I believe you mean polyamorous rather than polygamist! I haven't met, well, ANY poly folk on this site who are actually married to more than one person. There could be some, mind you, but the majority of us have to content ourselves with only dreaming of the day we can make honest men and women of our life partners. Poly Gamy translates to "many" "marriages".

Hmmmm jealousy, the giant bugaboo in any relationship regardless of the number of people involved. The way we deal with it is complicated since the reasons behind the emotion tend to be complicated and, let's face it, my guys and I have so much baggage we would take up the entire cargo hold of a C130! Generally the first step is to recognize there is a problem. Jealousy can be very subtle and masquerade as many things! Then we take some time to figure oout the root cause of the jealousy, we might tell each other that we are having issues and need some time before opening up about the issue. Then we will set aside some time to talk and possibly renegotiate some limits or boundaries. (We may not be typical but we three have problems setting boundaries and then defending them so it's a bit part of our process because it is so necessary that we practice so that we can teach oour kids about this important skill.) Usually we are able to work it our internally but sometimes it points to a large issue we, as a unit, may have been glossing over.

I know several of our monogamous community members might drop by and answer that they aren't in a poly type relationship but I think the question is valid....How do YOU deal with jealousy? Let's face it there is jealousy in every relationship. The football widow, the bosses wife syndrome, the girl's night out resenter....you get the idea!
12/08/2011
mastersonv mastersonv
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I believe you mean polyamorous rather than polygamist! I haven't met, well, ANY poly folk on this site who are actually married to more than one person. There could be some, mind you, but the majority of us have to content ourselves with only ... More
Thanks for that clarification in the beginning. My fiance and I are just starting to consider the idea of entering into a polyamorous relationship. It's something we have been talking about a lot. In previous relationships I had major jealousy issues however so far in this one I haven't had any issues with being jealous because I'm so secure in what we have. I just fear if we do officially decide to bring another woman into the relationship that I may then. I worry that then I won't be so secure in what we have so it will be extremely easy for jealousy to kick in. In previous relationships I didn't deal with jealousy because I was so young that usually any jealousy just ended the relationship. Which is my main reason for asking. Thanks for your honest answer I appreciate it!
12/09/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by mastersonv
Thanks for that clarification in the beginning. My fiance and I are just starting to consider the idea of entering into a polyamorous relationship. It's something we have been talking about a lot. In previous relationships I had major jealousy ... More
Lots of people assume that they won't be jealous if the other person is the same sex as their partner, it's good that you recognize that the sex of the OSO (other significant other) doesn't matter. That's the first step, admitting there might be a problem.

Here's what I sugest: Talk to your partner, frankly, and make a committment to continue talking about how you are feeling without anger and resentment. This takes work and is actually MUCH harder than it sounds because you cannot shift all the "blame" to your partner but you must instead discuss the issues you are facing emotionlessly, at least at first.
Jealousy starts as fear; fear of loss of affection or loss of time with your partner. So you have to defeat the fear by acting proactively. Once you determine WHY you are afraid you can address the issue but YOU are responsible for figuring this out AND dealing with it! Unfortunately your partner cannot read your mind or feel your emotions for you.

Build as equal a relationship as you can with any new partner and remember the relationship "tree" which has many branches.
*The trunk is you, so build that relationship with yourself by taking personal time and doing something just for you. Personally, I have EF and my Lit Club as this personal space type hobby.
*One branch is your relationship with your current partner. This is a major branch and this relationship needs time and effort regardless of the warm fuzzy feelings you have because of this decision. DO something as a couple that is yours alone...you can invite a new partner in as long as they understand that this is a special thing that you two share! Sigel and I watch certain tv programs together. Arch joins us at times but this is OUR special time and he understands the importance of this.
*The next branch is your relationship with this other partner. Again you need to work on this relationship as though it is entirely seperate from your other one(s). Partner #1 needs to be a friend to this relationship but not a participant in that he/she won't take sides but will act as a loving support for BOTH parties like a close friend should. You should have something special you do with this partner just as I discussed above. This is where extreme communication comes into play defeating jealousy. For Arch and myself there is a D/s dynamic involved in our special activities and it is a challenge as this type of relationship is abhorrent to Sigel. Jealousy flares up easily here!
*The next branch is your relationship with both partners. The same rules apply and you cannot under value this relationship! Have an activity you do with both partners that all of you value. For us it's MMORPGs but it could be anything for you!
*Yet another branch is your partner's relationship to each other. You cannot undervalue this relationship either! You are an advisor, sympathetic ear, sometimes referee but you are NOT a pawn or bone for your two tigers to fight over. Stay out of the middle at all costs and let them build a relationship that fits THEM. This is soooo damn hard but also sooooo damn necessary.
*If you have kids you add more branches depending on how many kids and how many partners but this is really no different than monogamous relationships. The tree just has many more branches in poly families! The thing is the trees for mono families can be just as full if you add in extended family, church family, school relationships ect.

As long as you understand the complexity of what you are planning and then commit to the work required you should be too busy to allow jealousy to grow and fester. Be aware that it WILL crop up from time to time but keep perspective...this is a minor issue and can be dealt with.
12/12/2011
mastersonv mastersonv
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Lots of people assume that they won't be jealous if the other person is the same sex as their partner, it's good that you recognize that the sex of the OSO (other significant other) doesn't matter. That's the first step, admitting ... More
Thanks so much. I love the way you explained it and honestly feel that with all this advice my fiance and I could honestly start taking the next step forward.
12/13/2011
Boobs and Lubes Boobs and Lubes
I think it's a bigger issue in Poly Vs Swinging. In Polyamorous relationships Emotions are involved from what I read; where, when we swing, it's just the actions. I would only imagine a poly situation would be much harder, and would require much a more giving mentality.
03/14/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Boobs and Lubes
I think it's a bigger issue in Poly Vs Swinging. In Polyamorous relationships Emotions are involved from what I read; where, when we swing, it's just the actions. I would only imagine a poly situation would be much harder, and would require ... More
The issues of jealousy still tend to be the same, but you are right in assuming that the effects are magnified when you have other emotions involved. It can be hard to hear your lover calling someone else by pet names and doing all the things that used to be "yours". For this reason we generally tend to close ranks when we bring another person in as a "partner" or potential partner. We get through the wild emotional tides of new love and then when everything starts to calm down we might consider doing all those lovely things poly and swinging folk do. It's a great foundation builder and it allows any new partners to feel safe, secure and really loved before there are new faces to deal with.

I don;t know if I have a more giving mentality than my swinging friends do but I know I have the ability to form AND maintain many deep attachments that are, frankly, draining for other people. For me I am energized by the whole experience of loving my two guys but for Sigel he is sapped when he tries. It feels, for him, like he is trying to live two separate lives. SO I do recognize that people are in many ways 'hard wired' in their love style and sexual preference.
03/16/2012
xxjoel xxjoel
COMMUNICATION! I ask my boyfriend for reassurance, saying something like, "I'm jealous, help me," and he will give me a few minutes of cuddles and make sure I know I'm his number one. That solves it for me, but I'm not a very jealous person natually...
03/29/2012
Total posts: 8
Unique posters: 4