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Thanks for that clarification in the beginning. My fiance and I are just starting to consider the idea of entering into a polyamorous relationship. It's something we have been talking about a lot. In previous relationships I had major jealousy
Thanks for that clarification in the beginning. My fiance and I are just starting to consider the idea of entering into a polyamorous relationship. It's something we have been talking about a lot. In previous relationships I had major jealousy issues however so far in this one I haven't had any issues with being jealous because I'm so secure in what we have. I just fear if we do officially decide to bring another woman into the relationship that I may then. I worry that then I won't be so secure in what we have so it will be extremely easy for jealousy to kick in. In previous relationships I didn't deal with jealousy because I was so young that usually any jealousy just ended the relationship. Which is my main reason for asking. Thanks for your honest answer I appreciate it!
Lots of people assume that they won't be jealous if the other person is the same sex as their partner, it's good that you recognize that the sex of the OSO (other significant other) doesn't matter. That's the first step, admitting there might be a problem.
Here's what I sugest: Talk to your partner, frankly, and make a committment to continue talking about how you are feeling without anger and resentment. This takes work and is actually MUCH harder than it sounds because you cannot shift all the "blame" to your partner but you must instead discuss the issues you are facing emotionlessly, at least at first.
Jealousy starts as fear; fear of loss of affection or loss of time with your partner. So you have to defeat the fear by acting proactively. Once you determine WHY you are afraid you can address the issue but YOU are responsible for figuring this out AND dealing with it! Unfortunately your partner cannot read your mind or feel your emotions for you.
Build as equal a relationship as you can with any new partner and remember the relationship "tree" which has many branches.
*The trunk is you, so build that relationship with yourself by taking personal time and doing something just for you. Personally, I have EF and my Lit Club as this personal space type hobby.
*One branch is your relationship with your current partner. This is a major branch and this relationship needs time and effort regardless of the warm fuzzy feelings you have because of this decision. DO something as a couple that is yours alone...you can invite a new partner in as long as they understand that this is a special thing that you two share! Sigel and I watch certain tv programs together. Arch joins us at times but this is OUR special time and he understands the importance of this.
*The next branch is your relationship with this other partner. Again you need to work on this relationship as though it is entirely seperate from your other one(s). Partner #1 needs to be a friend to this relationship but not a participant in that he/she won't take sides but will act as a loving support for BOTH parties like a close friend should. You should have something special you do with this partner just as I discussed above. This is where extreme communication comes into play defeating jealousy. For Arch and myself there is a D/s dynamic involved in our special activities and it is a challenge as this type of relationship is abhorrent to Sigel. Jealousy flares up easily here!
*The next branch is your relationship with both partners. The same rules apply and you cannot under value this relationship! Have an activity you do with both partners that all of you value. For us it's MMORPGs but it could be anything for you!
*Yet another branch is your partner's relationship to each other. You cannot undervalue this relationship either! You are an advisor, sympathetic ear, sometimes referee but you are NOT a pawn or bone for your two tigers to fight over. Stay out of the middle at all costs and let them build a relationship that fits THEM. This is soooo damn hard but also sooooo damn necessary.
*If you have kids you add more branches depending on how many kids and how many partners but this is really no different than monogamous relationships. The tree just has many more branches in poly families! The thing is the trees for mono families can be just as full if you add in extended family, church family, school relationships ect.
As long as you understand the complexity of what you are planning and then commit to the work required you should be too busy to allow jealousy to grow and fester. Be aware that it WILL crop up from time to time but keep perspective...this is a minor issue and can be dealt with.