To all the swingers out there

Melan!e Melan!e
My partner and I recently found ourselves in the middle of a swingers party. We had been completely unaware before hand and taken by surprise. While we both accept the lifestyle and even respect it, my partner is extremely monogamous. It just doesn't seem like it would suit us very well. However, the 2 couples invited us to join them. The first couple was very considerate of us and reminded us that no one would hold it against us if we weren't into it. We decided to join in a soft swap and my partner and I enjoyed some time together. All in all the night went well enough and my partner and I did not engage in anything we weren't comfortable with.

I later discovered that the woman from the second couple was trying to force herself on my partner without my knowledge. She had been trying to convince him to just go with it and forget about the consequences, saying that "you only live once". This not only upset me but my partner was pretty bothered by it too. She had just met us and did not know what type of person my partner is and didn't seem to care what effect it could have had on my relationship.

Then, I found out the way the first couple had come into swinging. I got the readers digest version of the way the first time happened. I know it's very likely I'm missing part of the story but I was even more apprehensive of the woman from the second couple. I fear also that the man from the first couple may not be fully aware of the way things are supposed to work. They have their rules and it seems to be working for them for the time being though.

My questions are: How did you get into swinging? Have you ever had problems following your rules or communicating with your partner? Have you ever encountered another couple who might be in it for the wrong reasons, and what did you do about it?

And personally, should I talk to the woman from the first couple about my questions and concerns? She is very close and dear to me. I just want her to be happy and well.
05/30/2012
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Melan!e Melan!e
Bump... Anyone?
05/31/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Melan!e
My partner and I recently found ourselves in the middle of a swingers party. We had been completely unaware before hand and taken by surprise. While we both accept the lifestyle and even respect it, my partner is extremely monogamous. It just ... More
The woman from the second couple was completely out of line and if she was invited by your friend then you should have a talk with the friend. In our group you can be summarily dismissed from a party or shunned for behavior like that but it is the offended party's responsibility to speak up!

How the heck did you get invited to a swing event without knowing that that was what was going on?? If you know you are not interested in swinging then you shouldn't swing! There's no shame in knowing what you want and being firm about your boundaries.

I would, very respectfully, suggest that you do have a talk with your friend. There's nothing wrong with being friends and having some fun times but you need to establish what you and your partner consider your boundaries. Your boundaries should be respected by everyone in the room and you should have the right to defend your "space", as it were. For instance in our group it is understood that my husband is free to be hit on by any woman in the room but my partner doesn't appreciate being pursued aggressively. I enjoy flogging/paddling and can be a bit of a showoff but I am not into humiliation...unless I am dishing it out!

Anyhow I guess what I'm trying to say is: Have fun but know your own limits and freely let the people around you know what they are. I mean you never know if you have the freedom to say no and be respectfully treated then maybe you might decide to say yes. If you constantly feel threatened you will never be free enough to explore anything.

As far as your friend goes respectfully and gently letting her see your concern is a friendly thing to do but trying to make decisions for her is not. Share your concerns and then respect her decisions. It's more than likely you aren't getting the whole story anyhow!
05/31/2012
Melan!e Melan!e
It was a party like any other which ended up turning into a swing event later in the evening once everyone else had left. We were invited to stay over and live way out of town and didn't know my friends intentions until it was happening.

Thank you for sharing Airen Wolf and for the advice.

I will talk with my friend about my concerns over the other woman and how she treated us personally. I do not want to interfere with her happiness so I will be sure to let her know that. I am glad that she is enjoying that lifestyle with her husband.

Before we left their house after the party, I thanked them for letting us into such an intimate part of their lives. My partner and I had been clear about what we wanted and it did all work out ok. We just decided later that it just isn't for us, but we are very happy for them.

Though I know there has to be more to the story, I remain concerned about the other woman. I'd hate to see this turn sour for them.
06/03/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Melan!e
It was a party like any other which ended up turning into a swing event later in the evening once everyone else had left. We were invited to stay over and live way out of town and didn't know my friends intentions until it was happening. ... More
Wow the story goes from bad to much worse! For cripes sake you should have been informed ahead of time what goes on "after hours" and provided a hotel room if you were uncomfortable! ...or at the very least a room with a locking door.
In our group we are very open to everyone about what we do when we are 'alone' because we want everyone there saying, "Yes, let's do this..." not, "OMG what the hell are you doing??!!??" For instance, one couple owns a hot tub and after hours clothing is optional and usually removed quite quickly. Since her daughter and son-in-law live in the house with them she makes it very clear when the clothing is about to come off and that they should go on to their apartment in the basement for the evening.

As long as you feel your wishes were at least respected then you had a great opportunity to learn a bit about an alternative lovestyle and make in informed decision about whether it is something that interests you as a couple. An interesting little tidbit from my years of experience: a threesome has the same awkward feeling as your first swing party unless you know and love the other person...and then it is still awkward the first few times! Sex is all wound up and twined with our emotions and insecurities so you kinda have to make sure that you always know your comfort level and are prepared to defend your boundaries.

I, too, worry about some of the women and men in our group. It's natural and shows that you have a warm and caring spirit. It might ease your mind if you remember that even the most awful events teach us valuable lessons about who we are and what we are. Perhaps she will have amazing adventures that will leave her feeling like she has lived life to the fullest regardless of the pitfalls! One can always hope, right?
06/06/2012
VietnAMAZING VietnAMAZING
Quote:
Originally posted by Melan!e
My partner and I recently found ourselves in the middle of a swingers party. We had been completely unaware before hand and taken by surprise. While we both accept the lifestyle and even respect it, my partner is extremely monogamous. It just ... More
I would speak with my partner first and ask how they felt about you confronting the woman from the first couple. If they were comfortable with it, I would go ahead and speak with that person and address their lack of respect. If not, I would let sleeping dogs lie and just make sure I was not put in that situation, particularly with that person, ever again.

My girlfriend and I got into swinging because we were interested in a threesome, and in seeking out partners (either male or female) for that, we ended up with a couple who we thought we really great at the time. We eventually learned otherwise, but since then we've been super open about sex and sexual "adventures" as we call them. We do have problems sometimes; I think no matter how open minded you are, it can cause pain when you see your lover developing feelings for another person. And myself personally - since I lost my job in April I have felt the need for more attention, more love, more of everything...but I can't ask my partner to change just because I have or because I'm feeling particularly needy. We have also run into problems with cheating. JUST because a couple is "open" or into swinging, doesn't mean there isn't a such thing as cheating, because there is. My girlfriend had an entire relationship with my best friend behind my back last year, and I've never felt more betrayed or broken by anyone in my life.

There are definitely pluses and minuses to the swinging lifestyle, but I am of the firm belief that as long as you keep an extremely open mind, and more importantly, an open line of communication with you and your partner, everything else will come out in the wash.
06/06/2012
Mistress Dragon Mistress Dragon
I would have to agree with Airen on this. You should have been told what happens after hours when the other people leave and what the night had in store for you and your partner. It is not right to assume that anyone will be open to the lifestyle that you live. Each relationship is different and should be treated that way. I am glad that you and your partner were able to try the lifestyle and then talk about it but it should have been talk about it and then try it if you agree on it.
06/21/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Mistress Dragon
I would have to agree with Airen on this. You should have been told what happens after hours when the other people leave and what the night had in store for you and your partner. It is not right to assume that anyone will be open to the lifestyle ... More
See? Told ya! She's the unofficial/official leader of our little group. She sets the tone for every function and makes sure that everyone feels comfortable and their boundaries are respected.
She and her lovely husband came over to our house and we had a LONG talk before any functions because she wanted to be sure that we understood that a party at her hot tub meant just about anything goes BUT we were free to leave or just say no. Just amazing and so very friendly.
06/22/2012
SexyStuff SexyStuff
Super interesting. Thanks everyone for being so open and sharing.
06/22/2012
Mistress Dragon Mistress Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
See? Told ya! She's the unofficial/official leader of our little group. She sets the tone for every function and makes sure that everyone feels comfortable and their boundaries are respected.
She and her lovely husband came over to our house ... More
We always want everyone to feel welcome and at ease around our group. You should never feel as if you have to do anything you do not want to do in any relationship.
As Airen has said we are very open with our friends and hope all have a great time and never feel as though they have to join in unless they want to. We can set around and talk and have a BBQ for dinner, then have hot tub time or pool time at night and a glass or two of wine and enjoy stories then play or not play. We just enjoy the friendships as much as we do the play time with people.
06/24/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by VietnAMAZING
I would speak with my partner first and ask how they felt about you confronting the woman from the first couple. If they were comfortable with it, I would go ahead and speak with that person and address their lack of respect. If not, I would let ... More
You bring up a great point about cheating and an open relationship. It is possible to devastate your partner even if you have an agreement to be open. The real question is why, in an open relationship would a partner feel the need to cheat? For me that is my focus...what went wrong that my partner felt he/she couldn't tell me about something as exciting as a new love.

I have to say Vietnamazing your partner is a lucky woman, I hope she knows it!
06/29/2012
Melan!e Melan!e
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Wow the story goes from bad to much worse! For cripes sake you should have been informed ahead of time what goes on "after hours" and provided a hotel room if you were uncomfortable! ...or at the very least a room with a locking door. ... More
My friend had told me that she had wanted to tell me before the fact but didn't get the chance. I wish she had taken a minute to pull me aside as I was there for a whole day before the party to help her prep.... My partner was completely taken aback and very uncomfortable with the idea of joining at first. I am glad it worked out in the end though and my partner and I have had the chance to talk about it more and everything is fine there.

We did have a tent sent up outside for us to crash in away from the party so we weren't totally without an escape but it all happened so fast that before we even realized it was going on, everyone around us was naked and jumping in the hot tub.

I know my friend is wise from her years of terrible experiences so I trust that she has learned from them but I still worry about her. She is finally happy and I'd hate to see her have to go through any more heartache.
07/06/2012
Melan!e Melan!e
Quote:
Originally posted by VietnAMAZING
I would speak with my partner first and ask how they felt about you confronting the woman from the first couple. If they were comfortable with it, I would go ahead and speak with that person and address their lack of respect. If not, I would let ... More
I have no hard feelings against my friend. I think she could have taken me aside to at least let me know what the plan was ahead of time. But I am surely not upset about it since everything ended up being ok, at least she and her partner were very respectful of us and our feelings. It was the other couple (strangers I had only just met that night) that I feel disrespected me by disrespecting my partner. He was made even more uncomfortable than I knew and felt like he couldn't express himself. I am still wary of having this person around my friend but I trust that she will do what's right for her and her husband.

My friend seems to be much more open with her husband now than she has ever been with any other man... Still, I'm afraid he will belittle her concerns if she ever brought any up. I have a bad feeling about him....

I'm afraid he won't be able to draw the line between their lifestyle and cheating.
07/06/2012
Melan!e Melan!e
Quote:
Originally posted by Mistress Dragon
I would have to agree with Airen on this. You should have been told what happens after hours when the other people leave and what the night had in store for you and your partner. It is not right to assume that anyone will be open to the lifestyle ... More
I would've liked it to have been the other way around as well. Since it's something I've been curious about and want to learn more about it. But it would've been nice to have had the chance to take it in first and have the time to think about it. More importantly, I would've appreciated the time to really discuss it with my partner. His feelings were my main concern.
07/06/2012
Melan!e Melan!e
I thank you all for being open and sharing your experiences with me. I haven't yet had the chance to talk to my friend about it. We've both been busy.. But I will remember the sound advice I've gotten here when I do get the chance.
07/06/2012
Total posts: 15
Unique posters: 5