He's lost interest in me.

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He's lost interest in me.

missyross missyross
I've been working nights for close to a year now, and I'm only home 2 nights out of the week. My husband sleeps on the couch when I'm not home. And, when I get home instead of wake him, I just let him sleep. Because he does tend to get mad if I wake him up because he is playing his game all night. Thats another subject. Anyway...It seems like it has been several months now that he does not show the same interest in me that he did before. I can't get him to touch me, and when we do have sex, its like an obligation thing. Just to shut me up. And he doesn't even get all that into it. What can I do to get him to notice me and want to have sex with me? This is tearing our relationship apart.
10/28/2010
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Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by missyross
I've been working nights for close to a year now, and I'm only home 2 nights out of the week. My husband sleeps on the couch when I'm not home. And, when I get home instead of wake him, I just let him sleep. Because he does tend to get ...
I think you need to sit down with him and discuss this. You can't know how to fix it until you know what the problem really is and why he is not interested. It could be many things and to speculate would just cause you more issues.
10/28/2010
ScottA ScottA
Could he be depressed?
10/28/2010
missyross missyross
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
I think you need to sit down with him and discuss this. You can't know how to fix it until you know what the problem really is and why he is not interested. It could be many things and to speculate would just cause you more issues.
Trying to talk to him is like talking to a fly on the wall...he shuts me out...
10/29/2010
missyross missyross
Quote:
Originally posted by ScottA
Could he be depressed?
Im not sure about him...but it sure is depressingme...
10/29/2010
Jessica Elizabeth Jessica Elizabeth
*major hugs* I agree; you need to talk to him. It could be any number of things, depression or otherwise. Perhaps writing a letter, an email, making a special dinner sometime and bringing it up then, you have to do something so that you both can get your sides seen and heard.
10/29/2010
ScottA ScottA
If he isn't depressed then you (as a couple) might want to try and rekindle the relationship with some of the things you used to do.

I'd look into the possibility of low-to-moderate depression seriously. It sounds like he might be out of a job, and that he can't get up the energy to go to bed (look at how he's taking care of himself as well). Loss of sexual desire is one of the major components of major depression.
10/29/2010
Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by missyross
Trying to talk to him is like talking to a fly on the wall...he shuts me out...
Well, honestly there comes a time in every relationship where it becomes basically sink or swim. Both people have to work at it. If he's not willing to work at it, that's a problem. Obviously things can't continue on like this because it's hurting you. So, he needs to either start working at it or you need to think about getting out of the situation. Obviously I'd try hard to get him to talk first though, or maybe even have him seek help if it's possible that he is depressed..which honestly sounds like it could be the case. Could he be addicted to the video games? If he's playing them all night and falling asleep while playing it sounds like the video games might be part of the problem. If he's addicted to them then his desire for other things could dramatically fade. In either case..addiction or depression it sounds like he needs help.
10/29/2010
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by ScottA
If he isn't depressed then you (as a couple) might want to try and rekindle the relationship with some of the things you used to do.

I'd look into the possibility of low-to-moderate depression seriously. It sounds like he might be out ...
Completely agree with Scott here. Loss of sexual desire is a huge symptom of depression, especially in men.

One of the main things to remember about men is that they naturally want to take care of their women, so if there's a job loss, he probably feels utterly useless. (not that he IS... just that's how he FEELS)

That being said, you should find ways to show him how much he is needed by you, not just sexually. For us women, that's one of the first things we do to try and show our hubbies how much they're needed; but it sounds like for him, it may be a little more basic than that. He needs to know you respect him and are proud to be with him. If job loss is the major issue, then maybe you should encourage him to go pursue that "dream job" even if it means going to school. (i.e., doctor, lawyer, engineer, etc... yes, they're lofty, but he needs to know you believe he can do ANYTHING and that you're willing to sacrifice money/lifestyle for tuition/student loans for him to accomplish something huge!)

Whether job-loss is the issue or not, however, I would strongly suggest counseling. At first it seems scary, but it really, really is hugely beneficial. And a good therapist will see you separately as well as together to help get to the root of the issue and to help you speak each other's language.

As far as video games are concerned, I am married to a gamer nerd. I understand the frustration when he's playing them all night, though my hubby has pretty strict self-imposed rules for game playing because he can get carried away. I really had to find my own hobbies and my own passions so that I didn't feel neglected and now we both love our "alone" time with our respective hobbies.

Then again, I should ask, is your night job a second job or your only job? If it's your primary job, you should see about changing your hours. Also, if it is a second job, can you even remotely survive without it? Sacrificing money is a much better alternative to sacrificing your marriage. He might just feel a little neglected if you're gone 15 hours a day. You'd be surprised what you can actually afford if you cut back expenses (smaller place, no cable, more creative grocery shopping, etc.) We live only on my hubby's salary and it's amazing what we manage.
11/01/2010
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
Completely agree with Scott here. Loss of sexual desire is a huge symptom of depression, especially in men.

One of the main things to remember about men is that they naturally want to take care of their women, so if there's a job loss, ...
Sorry that I sound a bit preachy or like a "know-it-all" but I have had a lot of experience with therapy and done a lot of research on the male ego. There's a book, and it is written by a Christian, but it is a very very intense journey into the male ego, it's called For Women Only and it is written by a woman named Shaunti Feldhan. She polled and interviewed, I think like, 1000 men of all different lifestyles and faiths, then used the compiled information for this book. It's a very interesting read.
11/01/2010
missyross missyross
Quote:
Originally posted by ScottA
If he isn't depressed then you (as a couple) might want to try and rekindle the relationship with some of the things you used to do.

I'd look into the possibility of low-to-moderate depression seriously. It sounds like he might be out ...
Oh he has a job....He works 2-10, but he has been like this with his game for years now...Its like he's addicted to the game.....
11/01/2010
missyross missyross
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
Sorry that I sound a bit preachy or like a "know-it-all" but I have had a lot of experience with therapy and done a lot of research on the male ego. There's a book, and it is written by a Christian, but it is a very very intense ...
I will definetly have to find that book...Im at a loss, I dont know what else to do.
11/01/2010
RickBlif RickBlif
As a male, and avid gamer, I have spent some long hours playing games. It could be I was really into the game, or I may have been trying to "escape" real life issues.

It sounds like your schedules are pretty much in conflict for time together. I think communication is key in every marriage. More so than any other factor. To make it work, you and your husband need to make a commitment to communicate.

Maybe schedule a date to go out and talk. Make the time.

Also, I've known some gamers who game with their wifes/SOs. Is the game he plays of interest to you?

One reason I've felt this in the past with my wife was when she gained a good amount of weight. Have you or he had changes in your weight in the last couple of years? If so, do you talk about it? I know that I had NO problem with her weight gain...but she did. It took much communication to help her understand that I loved her, NOT her body or what she thought it should be.

Finally, was there recent conflict in the bedroom? Early on in our relationship, my wife and I had very different views of good sex. She was satisfied with routine and change in position, style, toys play, etc., was a big negative with her. For me, it was the spice and variety I craved and desired. Again, we used communication to work though the issue and compromised on both sides.

Of course you need to deal seriously with the depression issue. I don't have any experience in this area, but know that it should be taken seriously if it is present.

Good luck and keep us posted!
11/04/2010
Sera Sera
Quote:
Originally posted by missyross
I've been working nights for close to a year now, and I'm only home 2 nights out of the week. My husband sleeps on the couch when I'm not home. And, when I get home instead of wake him, I just let him sleep. Because he does tend to get ...
Maybe it's because you're gone all the time. Maybe he wishes you paid more attention to him. Or better yet, maybe you should ask him somehow exactly what is wrong and try to have a heart to heart talk.
11/17/2010
missyross missyross
Quote:
Originally posted by Sera
Maybe it's because you're gone all the time. Maybe he wishes you paid more attention to him. Or better yet, maybe you should ask him somehow exactly what is wrong and try to have a heart to heart talk.
I wish it was that easy, I try to talk to him and he shuts me out. And when IM off on the weekends he stays gone as much as he can to avoid being alone with me. And when I try to bring up the subject he gets mad at me.
11/18/2010
ReesaAndBrandon ReesaAndBrandon
Quote:
Originally posted by missyross
I've been working nights for close to a year now, and I'm only home 2 nights out of the week. My husband sleeps on the couch when I'm not home. And, when I get home instead of wake him, I just let him sleep. Because he does tend to get ...
Talk, talk, and talk.
01/11/2011
Vaccinium Vaccinium
Quote:
Originally posted by missyross
I wish it was that easy, I try to talk to him and he shuts me out. And when IM off on the weekends he stays gone as much as he can to avoid being alone with me. And when I try to bring up the subject he gets mad at me.
I feel horrible for you. Truly I do.

Like everyone else is saying, communication is almost assuredly the thing that is going to get you through this. Don't give up on it either, no matter how many times he shuts you out. Talk to him calmly and ask him what you can do to help fix this problem. I'm not saying it is your fault, but my experience is that coming to a man with an offer of helping works a heck of a lot better than coming to him and saying something that sounds like an accusation. Another thing to keep in mind, and I suspect this would be tough given the situation, is I don't know any man who likes it when their SO cries. Every man I've talked to it about, and myself for that matter, feels like the crying is an attempt to manipulate the situation (I'm not saying that is the case, but rather it is how many of us take it).

Failing talking, your next best option may be to write him a letter. Concise and non-accusatory will probably garner better results than long and with ultimatums. Of course, an ultimatum may be necessary down the road. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Best of luck.
01/11/2011
Total posts: 17
Unique posters: 9