How do I save a marriage after I shut him out and he has been turning elsewhere??

gweny71 gweny71
First off, my husband is an alcoholic. About 3years ago things got so bad I just shut him out, I didn't know how to deal w/ his drinking and raise our young son. I felt like I has the only one keeping everything together, it seemed all he cared about was his Jack & having sex. Who wants to deal w/ the finances, take care of a child, work part-time & come home to a drunk husband? When it came to sex I would literally push him away....granted he was always intoxicated. And eventually I nolonger had any desire to have sex at all...it was like I was in Mommy Mode. He would actually tell me he was gonna find someone else, but I had always trusted him unconditionally.....I was so sure he would never actually do it. Then I accidentally found some very explicit text messages between him and a girl he works with. I confronted him, he got mad, said it was all just talk & it was just because I pushed him away for all those years. It was a wake-up call for me, I knew I had pushed him away, so I let him in & awakened my sex drive again. I fell in love with him all over agaion. But he is still very close to this other woman & whenever I get upset about it he says I do not have to compete w/ her. What should I do? I don't want to loose him but I really think he is being very selfish & never considers how his actions make me feel. HELP!!!
03/05/2011
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DancerLove DancerLove
I was actually in sort of the same position as you, granted, my husband isn't an alcoholic. My husband would let other girls talk sex to him and that type of thing. He is 23 and these girls were 15 and 16 years old. I told him that if he didn't stop, that I wasn't going to deal with it. He stopped talking to one and let the other continue to do so. I would get pissed over it and he just said that she does't mean it and it doesn't mean a thing. I saw through text messages that it was true. She was saying, please don't stop talking to me just because I won't have sex with you. And he said ok. I finally got the courage to talk to this girl and tell her that it was EXTREMELY inappropriate for her to be talking to my husband like that and apparenly, my husband never told her that he was married. She thought I was joking. She had told me that he went to her for sex. He denies the whole thing of course and stupid little me is wanting to believe him. But I know that he is lying. He's done stuff sort of like this befoe and he is the type of person who can't really stay with one person. He think's he's God's gift to every woman he can have. With all of his relationships he's had in the past, he has had other girls on the sides so when one breaks up with him, he can have the one on the side.
So yes, he is most definitely being selfish and what he is doing is WRONG beyond a resonable doubt. He is thinking of a different woman instead of his wife which is an emotional affair, which are just as bad and just as destroying to us. Yes, you still have a marriage. If you haven't already, you need to let him know that since he is drunk all the time, HE is pushing YOU away, I don't think you are the one initiating that. It's hard not to want to get away from that. He is the one to blame, not you. Please remember that. If he wanted sex, he needs to try to learn to stop drinking so he can have it from you. He can't have both alcohol and you at the same time when it comes to sex, or anything much for that matter. He needs to get his priorities straight. Trust is earned, not given. He is the one who needs to earn it, not you. You have done nothing wrong. And for him to say that talking to that girl was JUST because you pushed him away, is total BS. Yeah, he might have done that just because of that, but more times than never, it's not. He's responsible for his own actions and he can't blame that on you. Never let him do that. I have been wanting to say this to someone else who needs my help SO much because I need to say it to my own husband, which I do and he just ignores any responsibility. And it seems as though your husband is doing that too. I hope this helps. If you need anything at all, please just message me. I pray that things get better for you my dear.
04/26/2011
DancerLove DancerLove
Quote:
Originally posted by DancerLove
I was actually in sort of the same position as you, granted, my husband isn't an alcoholic. My husband would let other girls talk sex to him and that type of thing. He is 23 and these girls were 15 and 16 years old. I told him that if he ... More
I have another suggestion. This is just me saying. I would tell him that if he does't stop contact with that girl except at work, that he is going to lose you. It's either her or you and he needs to pick. If not, he's going to be straddling the fence for a very long time. Sometimes, you just need to put your foot down.
04/26/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by gweny71
First off, my husband is an alcoholic. About 3years ago things got so bad I just shut him out, I didn't know how to deal w/ his drinking and raise our young son. I felt like I has the only one keeping everything together, it seemed all he cared ... More
Therapy. It really is the only thing which will help. If he won't go to couple's therapy, go by yourself. It's amazing how much can get done when even one member of a couple seeks help.

I am sorry this is happening. But, between the drinking and the sexual issues, it is going to be difficult, if not impossible to solve this alone and by "just telling him how I feel." Issues like this really require professional help. And, please DO NOT call one of those "Intervention Specialists" they will say anyone is "an addict" and you could go broke paying them (as many insurance companies don't pay for this type of stuff.)

No "threats" just find a therapist and go. Ask him if he wants to go to couple's therapy, if he says no NO THREATS, just go yourself.

One of the best ways to heal a relationship is to stop threatening, stop "cutting off" and work on yourself until you get a firm footing. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but until you find a way to talk which is different than what you have been doing (as that wasn't working) you will be frustrated. From what I have seen and experienced, the only way to work your way back is to find a good therapist.

When things get this bad, it ceases to matter whose "fault" it is. Deeply ingrained behavior and communication issues continue to effect the relationship until someone makes a radical change in how they interact. And, as you are the one to realize there IS a problem, it is going to probably be you who is going to have to take the first step and get professional help. It's for the best, really.


Good luck.
04/26/2011
Total posts: 4
Unique posters: 3