Is There Hope, or am I Wasting My Time?

Oliver Klozoff Oliver Klozoff
My wife and I have been together for 17 years, married almost 12 with two kids. Over the past few years, her interest in sex has declined significantly. She still enjoys it and initiates it, but she treats it like a chore. I don't know if the kids are wearing her out or if she's no longer attracted to me. She says it's not me--she doesn't feel motivated to have sex with anyone.

My guess is that her duties as mother absorb a lot of energy, and after 17 years, sex is getting a little stale. I should add that we are both in good shape and still have our looks. She's gained a few lbs, but is still very fit. Our equipment is compatible and in good working order.

To make things more varied and interesting, I have started purchasing toys--Magic Wand, Eroscillator, Vixskin Mustang, Jimmy Jane vibrators, etc. I have a Lonestar and a Colossus extender that I haven't pulled out yet.

So my question is: If my wife is just tired of me after all of these years, will the toys make it fun and interesting for her again, or is it completely hopeless?

She seems to enjoy the toys, but she won't give me much feedback. She's probably afraid to hurt my feelings. I'm hoping some of you here (especially the women) can help me understand how my wife feels about me and about the toys. I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but I'm sensing that it may be futile.
Jan 19, 3:19 pm
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wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by Oliver Klozoff
My wife and I have been together for 17 years, married almost 12 with two kids. Over the past few years, her interest in sex has declined significantly. She still enjoys it and initiates it, but she treats it like a chore. I don't know if the ... More
Your wife may be exhausted or depressed. I don't think it has anything to do with how she feels about you. Maybe you should try to talk to her about other things first. Like ask her how she feels in general, if there is something major bugging her. Or, maybe she just needs a vacation from the kids. Maybe the two of you need to take a weekend off, give the kids to a relative or close friend and head out. Spend some time talking and bonding together, and take a few toys along for the ride, too.
Jan 19, 3:52 pm
Edeneve Edeneve
my first thought is how it the quality of your relationship. I know for me, when there's unresolved issues or my relationship needs aren't being met, sex is the last thing I even want to think about. I suggest you not look for any one thing to "blame" for her change in interest & talk w/ her. find out what she needs. find out what she wants. find out how she feels. hopefully the two of you have worked at keeping open communication going so that you two can work together to find what makes you both sexually happy. that's my opinion, for what it's worth. and there are many opinions about this issue.
Jan 19, 4:26 pm
SawD SawD
My husband and I have been together for 16 years. I love him with all my heart. We have one child. She is almost two. Yes I get very tired. We are a complicated sort. Things like birth control can and will zap any desire we have. (I was on depo and actually would get ill at the thought of sex. I did not tell him cause i did not want to hurt him. As it was truely me not him.) Is she on any meds? Also it helps to help around the house. Also I have to add after so many years it becomes like a transaction. Do you love on her and kiss on her when you do not want sex? Do you go down on her like you want to do it and its the best thing in the world, and not ask for sex in return. Do you have sex, then its just over? We may not tell you, however sometimes we fill jipped. Talk to her. Give her the toys... If you are ok with the fact she may not use them with you. Give her little presents or little things that please her. You know your wife more then any other. Its so hard to give one advice on such a situation. She is still with you... Its not hopeless. Only when YOU have given up it is hopeless. We don't have facts like health and such. Things like hormone or thyroid imbalances can cause a plain disinterest. There are some things to think about.
Jan 19, 4:51 pm
SawD SawD
I reread you post and keep going over she doesn't feel motivated anymore. Which I maybe reading to much into it, however it kinda screams to me. I find I am not motivated much either. We have sex, he cums, then we are done. He does start to do other things to me before sex, the feeling I get from him is its a chore. (Which may not even be the case. As we both work, w both are tired. We both got finances and other stress on the mind) It should not be a tit for tat. What would motivate one to have sex? To feel good too feel closer, to have a release. You should take her out, make her feel special. Talk with her, let her know how you truly feel or it will not get better. Cause keeping silent will only prolong this doubt's and fears. I will add, if it was me, and kinda is, I wish my husband never doubt my love for him. No matter how futile it feels sometimes in the sack I love my husband with all my heart and I do not want any other. My heart would die a little more and more each day he had given up on me. Even if he didn't tell me I would feel it. Sometimes we just get into a rut. Talk with her without the kids around over a nice dinner of the two of you OUT of the house on how she is feeling. Talk to her about day to day stuff. Maybe something else is bothering her. I dunno. Just don't give up. Wish you luck.
Jan 19, 5:20 pm
Oliver Klozoff Oliver Klozoff
Excellent questions—Thanks for taking this seriously and offering your opinions. Some comments on questions(in order asked):

-I don’t think she’s depressed, but she can get exhausted. The kids take a lot out of her, and she also runs 3-6 miles a few times a week and does some volunteer work. We do get time away from the kids, but not enough. It’s probably not as bad as I’m making it sound, and she says all of her friends feel the same way about their husbands. She says she still loves me very much; she just doesn’t get enough time for herself (although as a stay-at-home Mom, she has time for running, friends, volunteer work, and meeting me for lunch several times each week.)

-The quality of the relationship is good. We both feel that we are meant to be together. We seldom argue, and we share a ton of common interests. She’s not holding any grudges—I’d know. The life we have together is great. Maybe even annoyingly perfect. We are both very healthy, we have healthy kids, fulfilling friendships, hobbies we enjoy together. I am fortunate to own a very stable and profitable business, so we have no financial constraints.

-I had a vasectomy, so she’s been off the pill for about a year and a half. I help around the house quite a bit and keep the kids so she can do things with her friends. I try to make sex special and exciting. She does treat it like a transaction, although once we get going, she always seems to enjoy it. In fact, it’s not just a transaction—it’s like a weekly allocation. We have sex almost exactly once a week. I show her physical affection regularly—even when it’s clear we’re not going to have sex. She terms this as “needy” and either criticizes or tries to ignore me. I like to kiss, but she doesn’t, and she avoids kissing me mouth-to-mouth if she can. That stopped not long after marriage. Recently she was wasted at a dance club, and we made out like teenagers, but that doesn’t happen often. I love going down on her and often try, but she hates that and says it’s “creepy”. It’s been a long time, but I never got that reaction in my previous relationships. The toys are available, and I wish she’d use them, but I don’t think she does because they’re always exactly how I leave them.

-I never act like it’s a chore, and I almost always make sure she goes first. The weird thing is that she always asks for a “quickie”, and she complains to her friends that I like to drag it out too much. But she takes a while, so if it doesn’t go long, she’s not going to get off. It’s like she’s asking me to get off fast and leave her alone. But then once we start, she wants to get off. The magic wand has helped a lot in this department. For a while we were locked in this situation where she didn’t seem interested, so I assumed she was bored with the same old moves, so I’d try to switch things up and make it more exciting, but she just thought this was “creepy” and it turned her off. Finally, we had a discussion about this, which made her uncomfortable and didn’t really resolve anything. Her indifference does make me feel pressure to make it exciting, but she acts like that’s not what she wants. That’s the crux of the situation. I’m trying to spice things up. She’s acting like that’s hopeless, although I do think sex is a lot more fun with the toys. She’s enjoying them, and she seems to be having some amazing orgasms—the best in years.

Sorry, that’s way too much info, and this is turning into a therapy session. Bottom line: Ladies, if you were in my wife’s shoes, would you be glad that your husband is trying to spice things up with sex toys? Would it make you think less of him? Does it seem pathetic and sad? I think the toys are improving things, but it seems like that’s not what she wants…
Jan 19, 7:27 pm
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by Oliver Klozoff
My wife and I have been together for 17 years, married almost 12 with two kids. Over the past few years, her interest in sex has declined significantly. She still enjoys it and initiates it, but she treats it like a chore. I don't know if the ... More
1. If you can afford it, a weekend away from the kids...without expectations of it being a "sex" weekend, may give her some needed rest and relaxation and rekindle her interest.

2. Once a week, "no kid" date nights can help.

3. Even better might be a week away (send the kids to the grandparents or to camp), or take a cruise or do a week alone get away, at least once a year. Even looking forward to it might help.

4. Have a good, really complete (hormone levels included) check up by her doctor. This may be a physical thing, not emotional.

5. Consider a couples therapist. Clergy, or marriage counseling, to get to the heart of the issue if everything else fails. Sometimes helping her find out what is going on can go far towards solving the problems in your bedroom and elsewhere in your home, if there are any issues.

Best wishes.
Jan 19, 8:18 pm
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by Bignuf
1. If you can afford it, a weekend away from the kids...without expectations of it being a "sex" weekend, may give her some needed rest and relaxation and rekindle her interest.

2. Once a week, "no kid" date nights can ... More
I agree 100% with this advice. I mean, I'm not married nor do I have kids, but I think this might be the best solution for your issues.
Jan 19, 9:50 pm
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Oliver Klozoff
Excellent questions—Thanks for taking this seriously and offering your opinions. Some comments on questions(in order asked):

-I don’t think she’s depressed, but she can get exhausted. The kids take a lot out of her, and she also runs 3-6 ... More
(although as a stay-at-home Mom, she has time for running, friends, volunteer work, and meeting me for lunch several times each week.)

That's not time for herself, that's time spent doing for other people.

The life we have together is great. Maybe even annoyingly perfect.

Role play! Even just putting yourselves into a different economic bracket can be exciting and new. Or, whatever scenario you're both comfortable with.

Last but not least, she may be doubting your motivation. When partners come up with new things to try in the bedroom and the other partner wasn't a part of the birth for that brainchild, it can be unsettling. They may not understand where or why or how you came up with this idea and it can often directly influence their self-image/worth (i.e. Does he think I'm boring? I do this and this and this already, is that not enough?)

The amount of pressure that most women place on themselves in the bedroom is astronomical at times and it can feel like we're being pressured to be something we're not or haven't allowed ourselves to be. Gentle coaxing, constant communication and patience will go a long way in this matter.
Jan 20, 10:30 am
Oliver Klozoff Oliver Klozoff
Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I tried to get some communication going tonight, but got shot down (as usual). She insists "It's all good." I really think she is happy, and she loves our life together--she's just not sexually attracted to me any more. That's hard to take, but I guess it's the reality for most of the married world. Such strange creatures we are...
Jan 20, 8:23 pm
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by Oliver Klozoff
Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I tried to get some communication going tonight, but got shot down (as usual). She insists "It's all good." I really think she is happy, and she loves our life together--she's just not sexually ... More
NO..that is not "reality for the married world", nor should it be. Please do not accept that as an answer. It is, indeed, possible that she is not attracted to you sexually anymore, but if that is the case, you need to have a good marriage councilor find out why. If that is really the case, then you have to either resign yourself to a sexless marriage, or you have to decide that you gave it your best shot and move on to find happiness elsewhere. Obviously, despite her words, it is not "all good". She may be "happy and love your life together" but you are not. You are the perfect setup for an affair and heartbreak. Don't let it get there. Insist she get counseling with you on this. Tell her, honestly, that despite the fact she is happy, you are not. Be honest. You owe it to the both of you.

Seriously, good luck.
Jan 20, 8:55 pm
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by Bignuf
NO..that is not "reality for the married world", nor should it be. Please do not accept that as an answer. It is, indeed, possible that she is not attracted to you sexually anymore, but if that is the case, you need to have a good marriage ... More
I back this answer up again.

Definitely try to get a weekend away together. Even if it's just an hour away from home at a hotel. Go out to the movies, get her away from the kids, let her feel rejuvenated. Or even go as far as you take a day off of work and give her a spa day where she can go and relax at the spa for a day, no kids, no one else, but her. She would probably love it either way. Don't get too discouraged about it.
Jan 20, 9:36 pm
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by wrecklesswords
I back this answer up again.

Definitely try to get a weekend away together. Even if it's just an hour away from home at a hotel. Go out to the movies, get her away from the kids, let her feel rejuvenated. Or even go as far as you take a ... More
X 2
Jan 20, 10:13 pm
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Bignuf
NO..that is not "reality for the married world", nor should it be. Please do not accept that as an answer. It is, indeed, possible that she is not attracted to you sexually anymore, but if that is the case, you need to have a good marriage ... More
You are so spot on that I wish there was a Pulitzer category for sage advice.
Jan 20, 10:16 pm
Oliver Klozoff Oliver Klozoff
I've screwed up now! Tonight I let her know that the situation has been eating at me. I really tried hard to get some communication going, but she insists that everything is great, but that I'm making trouble because I "need something to worry about." She insists that all of her friends feel the same way about their husbands, and I should just let it go. She says there's nothing I'm doing to annoy her or turn her off except for bringing this up. Then she said she's never been that affectionate, and that sometimes I "act like the woman in the relationship." I told her that's unhelpful and insulting--I try to be considerate and communicative, which is nothing to be ashamed of. She stormed off to the guest bedroom.

Bignuf, your comments speak to the broader reality of this situation. If my efforts to spice things up don't get anywhere, eventually I will stop trying. And when needs aren't met, temptation creeps in. I guess that's why I'm posting this the chat board of an online sex toy store. I assume there are lots of people here like me--looking for creative ways to keep things interesting. But we are trapped in a paradox. The old routine isn't sexy anymore, but introducing new things appears desperate, which is even less sexy. Talking about it is even worse--the least sexy thing in the world. It's a difficult minefield to navigate.

By the way, we are going on a 10-day trip without the kids in about two months. Hopefully she's not still bent out of shape...
Jan 20, 10:31 pm
bighose bighose
Quote:
Originally posted by Oliver Klozoff
My wife and I have been together for 17 years, married almost 12 with two kids. Over the past few years, her interest in sex has declined significantly. She still enjoys it and initiates it, but she treats it like a chore. I don't know if the ... More
Don't give up on her or on yourself. Im thinking it may just be menopause..im going through the same thing here with my wife. The exact things you mentioned are happening here. Just give it awhile and your sex life will be okay. Enjoy your time with her on the trip...
Jan 21, 6:04 am
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Oliver Klozoff
I've screwed up now! Tonight I let her know that the situation has been eating at me. I really tried hard to get some communication going, but she insists that everything is great, but that I'm making trouble because I "need something ... More
Do you think she's having an affair and just keeping up appearances? The red flag (to me) is that she keeps deferring to her friends' marriages. But, I somehow get the feeling their husbands aren't having to try nearly as hard as you are when it comes to this. I'll only speak for myself in this manner but whenever I shared things with friends it was always over-exaggerated or told from a very selfish stand point (my own). Her choice of words were hurtful nonetheless and that is the first thing you should address with her.
Jan 21, 11:22 am
Ansley Ansley
I've read this over and over a few times now and one thing that keeps sticking out to me is this:

"act like the woman in the relationship"

That's kind of a telling statement, don't you think? Perhaps that's where the problem really lies.

Think about it...she makes decisions all day long for everyone else that at the end of the day she may be tired of making decisions for herself as well. She could just be missing the power dynamic.

I'd back off of it for awhile. Don't press the issue and let your trip get close. Start talking about all of the non-sexual things you'll do on the trip and the things you'll be experiencing. Once you're there and a couple of days into it, she may be more relaxed and open to hearing your side of things.
Jan 21, 3:20 pm
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
I've read this over and over a few times now and one thing that keeps sticking out to me is this:

"act like the woman in the relationship"

That's kind of a telling statement, don't you think? Perhaps that's ... More
I think Stormy has a good point here.

Backing off for a while might be the best idea because she may feel really pressured now to give you answers that she isn't ready to give or even knows how to give.
Jan 21, 3:49 pm
Oliver Klozoff Oliver Klozoff
An affair is highly unlikely for a variety of reasons. She wouldn't--even if she had time for it, which she doesn't. Compared to our local peer group--roughly 40 years old with kids--we probably have an average or above average sex life in terms of quantity and quality. What gets me is that she acts like it's her least favorite thing to do--until we start doing it--at which point she does seem to enjoy it.

Regarding the power dynamic, that's definitely part of it. She's a very dominant person, and so am I. She runs the household and kids. I pick my battles and dig in on the big things that matter to me. I run a company and tell people what to do all day long, but I try to leave that persona at work. She deserves her sphere of influence, so I cooperate and don't step on her toes unless I need to. At one point I read up on Alpha Male / Beta Male theory. It does help explain some of her behavior over the years, but I'm not lacking in the dominance department--socially, professionally, athletically, etc.

For better or worse, I've made my point and given her some things to think about. I agree the best thing I can do now is back off from the topic and spend some good quality time with her away from the stress of kids and work.

I'm still interested to hear the experiences of women who lose their sex drive. Can creativity and experimentation bring it back, or is almost 20 years of familiarity to much to overcome?
Jan 21, 4:22 pm
YvetteJeannine YvetteJeannine
I have to say this; if all you claim is true, you sound like a wonderful man and husband: Excellent provider (even with two kids she doesn't have to work), helping her around the house/with the kids, willing enough to spice things up in the bedroom, planning lovely vacations, etc. etc.

Someone mentioned earlier to your comment (about her not having time for herself) that her time is not spent doing things for her, but for others. In that I must politely disagree. She runs a few x's weekly--that's for HER. That is what most women would call "me time". Time to think. Time to work on "her". The volunteer work...that's also something she does for "her". It's NOT a necessity. She doesn't have to do it and isn't expected to. She does it to make HERSELF feel good, while helping others. Meeting you for lunch...also something which benefits HER. She gets a nice, peaceful, KID-FREE meal.

All of this sounds like she's got it pretty good. Which leads me to ask the question I really don't want to ask because I am afraid I will offend you-and I really don't want to do that. But here it is anyway: Is she by nature a selfish person? I'm sorry. I really have no intentions of insulting your wife. And that's NOT what I'm doing. But after all I've read, I just can't comprehend WHY she would not want to please her husband. Like I said, if all you say is really true, then it sounds as though she's found a wonderful man she should be keeping happy in and out of the bedroom.

I'd be thrilled if my husband bought me toys (he believes its imasculating to him). If she's physically healthy, and so are you, AND you haven't let yourself go, then by all rights, she should want sex more than 1x week.

She won't discuss it with you. Not very helpful. Has she typically been not a very 'physical' person? Maybe that could be the issue. Some ppl just ARE NOT physical. But that's NOT fair to YOU. Marriage is GIVE AND TAKE. You sometimes have to do things to make your partner happy that you may not always be inclined to (I'm not saying one should do things against one's morals--but you know what I mean).

When I gained a lot of weight I didn't want sex. I felt ugly. I still loved my man, but sex? No. I did not want it. But I DID IT. FOR HIM.

I feel badly for this situation. I cannot help asking those questions I asked above. But it IS pertinent to ask yourself that. She won't even DISCUSS this with you. Which leads me to believe either she is in denial, or....perhaps she is into herself---A LOT. Please don't take offense to that. I hope we all hear from you soon.
Jan 21, 4:56 pm
Oriental husband and wife Oriental husband and wife
Quote:
Originally posted by bighose
Don't give up on her or on yourself. Im thinking it may just be menopause..im going through the same thing here with my wife. The exact things you mentioned are happening here. Just give it awhile and your sex life will be okay. Enjoy your time ... More
Oliver K, There is hope !

The first thing that came to my mind was menopause.
At her age she may be approaching menopause. Please goggle it or find out info on it. She may not even be aware of it also.

My wife went thorough the same exact thing. Few year ago couldn't get enough.Then about 16 months ago very lucky if we had sex once in ten days. She didn't tell me it was menopause. Found out when I saw some prescription stuff on the bathroom counter.

I think it a good idea to ask for help from the members. One of the members, Rossie suggested Damiana Leaves/ pills. Between that and Goji Berries we are back up to twice a week after about 2 months. I too thought more toys and stimulation was the answer but it wasn't.

You might stop spicing it up, but you better NOT STOP LOVING HER. Could serve to compound the problem. I'm no doctor but that is my opinion and experience.

I think Stormy's advice is good. Back off a little(or a lot). Don't complain about lack of sex. Talk about other things in your lives.



Jan 21, 5:14 pm
Oliver Klozoff Oliver Klozoff
Thanks again to everyone for your time and consideration. This is definitely thought-provoking and therapeutic for me in some way.

We are too young for menopause. I haven't mentioned that she's probably gained 15-20 lbs over the past 10 years. She's still very fit, so it's not an issue for me, but it could affect her self-esteem and make her feel less sexy.

Regarding Yvette Jeannine's comments, I do feel that she needs less affection than some other people. I'm a hugger. She's really not. I don't think she's being selfish--rather she probably gives too much of herself to others while neglecting me. After a 4 mile run with her friends, volunteering at hospice, a charity board meeting, taking the kids to their activities, and making dinner, there isn't much energy left. And I'm not blameless in this--I have work stress, I'm on 3 boards, and I try to play my favorite sport once a week.

I don't know why she refuses to discuss my concerns. She says we have it too good, and I'm just making trouble--stirring things up. I'd actually be fine with sex once a week if it seemed like she really wanted it. That's the part that doesn't feel right. It's no fun being told "I'll do it tonight, but please make it quick because I've had a long day."

That kind of thing makes me think she's not enjoying it, which puts pressure on me to make it better, but it seems like she doesn't want it to be better--she just wants it to be over. I've come home for lunch a few times, and that's been great. The kids aren't there, and we both have plenty of energy. One of those sessions was so much fun (with the help of the magic wand and the Gee Whizzard), that her legs went numb and her face was tingling. It was the best orgasm I'd seen her have since before kids, so I thought she'd be up for that again, but there has been no increase in motivation. Maybe she gets off better when we use the toys, but she's afraid to ask for them because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. She has asked for the magic wand a few times when she was having trouble finishing. I think that's a good sign.

Aside from dropping the conversation and getting away without kids, I think scheduling more daytime sex might help. It sounds kind of weird, but I think it might improve our sex life. Anyone else try this?
Jan 22, 10:07 am
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Oliver Klozoff
Thanks again to everyone for your time and consideration. This is definitely thought-provoking and therapeutic for me in some way.

We are too young for menopause. I haven't mentioned that she's probably gained 15-20 lbs over the past ... More
Does she have any reason to resent you? I mean ANY reason at all?
Jan 22, 11:45 am
SaucyxGirl SaucyxGirl
This is gonna sound like an odd question, but has she been taking any kind of Rx or maybe even over the counter drugs? Certain drugs can have sexual side effects. Same goes with herbal remedies.
I once had over the counter allergy meds lower my sex drive.
Jan 22, 2:57 pm
Oliver Klozoff Oliver Klozoff
Things really seem better today. I think the conversation we had made her realize this is serious, and she did make a comment about me discussing this online (I told her). She ran with a friend this morning, and sometimes she will listen to her friends when she won't listen to me. If asked, they would probably tell her not to screw this up, because she's got it as good as it's going to get.

Of course my judgement could be clouded by the fact that she invited me home for lunch/sex, and it was great. That can impair a guy's thinking.

Thanks again everyone for the feedback. I'm new here and looking forward to learning more from you guys...
Jan 23, 2:32 pm
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by Oliver Klozoff
Things really seem better today. I think the conversation we had made her realize this is serious, and she did make a comment about me discussing this online (I told her). She ran with a friend this morning, and sometimes she will listen to her ... More
I'm really glad that it looks like things are looking up for you, and I hope they keep down a positive path.

We are happy to have you around
Jan 23, 4:09 pm
mfmtrios mfmtrios
There is a book that I'd like to strongly suggest. It is called 'Love Tactics'. It was originally written to help the reader to 'win the one', but the elements are sure to help you even through marriage. I believe there is a Love Tactics II.

Keeping a Marriage takes continued work on both ends.

Good luck, keep your positive attitude throughout.
Jan 23, 8:27 pm
CPTInsanity CPTInsanity
I hate to hear that you are going through the same exact situation as I am. I've done everything that has been mentioned on this forum and to all no avail. After 11 years of marriage you hate to think about divorce and in my case walking away from a wife and two year old that I love dearly, but the thought crosses my mind. I'm about ten years younger than you, married eleven years, similar financial situation (she works because she wants to, but my income and retirement money would more than pay the bills), relatively good shape (I run about 5 miles a day, but I don't have a six pack any longer), and I treat my wife like a queen. It drives me nuts that our sexual relationship has deteriorated to the point that it has. For two years I watched it deteriorate so I made incremental changes for what I thought was the better. My wife just got colder and colder. It's to the point that if she had an affair I would actually be happy for her because I truly believe she now hates sex, and that is no way for anyone to live. It's tough to look at your life and know that you have everything in life but the one thing that you really want (in my case, a satisfying sex life). It's gotten to the point that she has told me that I can go find a girlfriend. Now I'm not against open relationships (I've never had one), but I believe if you have one it shouldn't be because your wife doesn't want to have sex anymore. I'm sad because at what point do you give up on a otherwise great marriage and find a relationship that is more fulfilling. I want to grow old with my wife, but 31 years old is too early to give up on sex.
Jan 24, 12:01 am
EastCoast36 EastCoast36
Oliver, it is incredible how similar our situations are. My wife and I have been together a little over 10 years, and we have always had a good sex life. Still, I have almost always felt like it could be better. I have some issues with PE, but it's not severe and she doesn't ever seem to mind. It almost bothers me how little she cares. I've learned to deal with it by trying to get her off first with oral. Problem with that is she often doesn't want me to go there or asks me to stop so she can orgasm with me in her.

Back to the topic though, we are quite alike. My wife and I are fit and active. She does work, and her job is more demanding than mine. We have two children. I have a vasectomy. We are very loving with each other, but I have found that communicating about sex is difficult and becoming even harder. I feel like any time I bring it up, she instantly thinks I am complaining. She probably isn't too far off, because I do get bored with the same vanilla sex. The part I can't figure out is when I can get us to spice it up, she more often than not gets off just as much as me. She never shares any sex fantasy (I question if she has them), she sometimes flirts, but never very "dirty," and I can't remember the time she suggested playing with toys. If I suggest a "movie" (porn) night, she is usually game, but I am often holding my breath for her to be offended by a slight gag during a BJ or something else that could kill the mood. One scene is usually on a couple of minutes before she is reaching for me. I'd actually enjoy watching her grab a toy and play with herself, but I sure can't tell her that. Oddly, she has never taken to her magic wand. Finally, there just seems to be some artificial quota in her head about how often we should have sex and the ratio of making love and wild sex. It has never made sense to me.

I'm not going to go too far into it, but one problem we have had over the years with sex is my interest in anal sex with her. She is not interested in it, so I've had to accept it. She does humor me with allowing occasional anal play, and I appreciate that.

She does enjoy getting away from the kids with me, but it's not realistic to do that once a month. Plus, why can't we have fun at home? Date nights are fun, but I've not found that they translate that well to exciting sex. I feel your pain. Good luck. If you find an answer, I'd sure be interested.
Jan 24, 3:58 pm
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