Ladies: making time for sex

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Ladies: making time for sex

EastCoast36 EastCoast36
This did not fit into the "horrible in bed" thread, so I'm starting a new one. I'm guessing a few of you will relate to this scenario.

My wife and I have two young children, and we both work regular business hours (well, her's carry over a little longer). Anyway, once we are both home it is nearly 100% kids until they go to sleep. At that point we are both pretty exhausted, but most of the time I am also ready for sex. The problem is, on my wife's list of priorities, sex seems to fall pretty far. She started a different job a few weeks ago, so she is understandably stressed by that, and the kids heading to school, so after she goes down the list of her day and planning the week, we try to clean up the place. Then, I pause to read whether she is just wanting to unwind with mindless TV or so tired that she wants to go straight to sleep. It feels like the odds are stacked against having sex, and if we had the day before, forget about it. Sex in the morning is basically out of the question, because our son could try to get in our room or there's too much to do to get ready for the day.

There are not long droughts, and for the most part sex is good (though not as kinky as I would like it). It's just I don't get the feeling that she ever thinks about sex except for those nights where the stars align enough for me to ask her if she is up for it. I have asked her if she fantasizes, and she almost looks at me like I'm crazy. I realize I sound like a whiner, but it would be nice if she showed a little more interest. The only times she ever plays with toys (all of which I purchased) is if I bring them out. The only time she watches porn (also that I purchased) is when I suggest it. That also has an imaginary limit of once or twice per month.

We flirt some in the evening, get along well, talk, I help around the house, but is there anything I can do to get her mind more on sex without straight up asking for it? To be fair, she does occasionally suggest it when it is obvious that it has been a few days. I think she can read the desperation on my face. It would be nice if we could go on more "dates," but we do the best we can. It just seems like it is so easy for women to slip into lingerie or whisper something naughty, but it's tough for guys to be sexy for their wife. Any input would be appreciated.
08/16/2011
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Peggi Peggi
Quote:
Originally posted by EastCoast36
This did not fit into the "horrible in bed" thread, so I'm starting a new one. I'm guessing a few of you will relate to this scenario.

My wife and I have two young children, and we both work regular business hours (well, ...
If you'd like some input from a woman, here you go!!!

First of all, I can understand where you are coming from, and from the woman's perspective I'll tell you up front, it seems that a woman's sex drive and man's sex drive, if you are similar in age, are NOT aligned! There are ages during which men and women both want and don't want certain amounts of sex, and this varies from person to person. So, you have science against you if you are similar in age!

Kids also make it quite difficult to find time for sex, especially if those children are younger!

Women also tend to carry a lot more stress, a long work day on top of whatever chores need to be done around the house, possibly cooking dinner if she is the one who does so, these things can add up. I can tell you, when I get home from work, the only thing I feel like doing is taking a nap, followed by dinner, a nice bubble bath and relaxing on the couch with a nice movie.

Although the effortlessly seeming wearing of lingerie or trading sexual favors, or sex itself, seems to be almost nothing for men, it tends to be almost an added chore at times for women. Not that we don't absolutely LOVE to have sex with you guys, but we need to be in the right mood, environment, etc.

Guys also don't seem to understand, you are attracted to us when we wear our sexy little outfits, pull out our sexy moves on you, but you don't have to do much at all to be sexy for us. I know that my guy can just look me in the eye, give me a nice, sweet kiss, and I'm all his.

If you really want to melt your wife, if you have a chance before she gets home from work, run her a nice bubble bath that will be ready just as she gets in complete with candles. Maybe give her a nice massage (don't expect sex right away, this sometimes turns us on but sometimes, we just enjoy the favor) but later on, chances are, she will come to you.

Often, it's difficult in these situations because some of us rarely will make the first move, but you stand a good chance if you just snuggle with her, give her sweet kisses, do something out of the ordinary that is special, sometimes this can help.

Hopefully that is a start, I could try to think of some more quick tips for you, but to be honest, there are just some relationships where the man typically has to make the first move. I know mine typically has to, but he's learned some of the little tricks to get me in the mood, without me even knowing he is doing it
08/16/2011
Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
If you'd like some input from a woman, here you go!!!

First of all, I can understand where you are coming from, and from the woman's perspective I'll tell you up front, it seems that a woman's sex drive and man's sex drive, ...
Well said, especially at this time of day. (Almost midnight here)
08/16/2011
Ryuson Ryuson
When I have a lot on my mind, there isn't a lot of room in there for sex! I'm just about to mine into dorms and start my first year of college, and my boyfriend is suffering because I just can't get in the mood!
I also would suggest a massage; not a sexual, sensual massage but an "I'm sorry you had a stressful day, let me try to help your back pain" massage! It's not sexy to you, but it will stick in her mind!
08/17/2011
EastCoast36 EastCoast36
I appreciate the perspective. We are pretty close in age. I actually thought these were her highest sex drive years, according to studies, so I hope it doesn't drop off. Just kidding of course. My wife is amazing! Funny, I did rub her back briefly yesterday when she got home, so I must not be too far off.
08/17/2011
Peggi Peggi
Quote:
Originally posted by EastCoast36
I appreciate the perspective. We are pretty close in age. I actually thought these were her highest sex drive years, according to studies, so I hope it doesn't drop off. Just kidding of course. My wife is amazing! Funny, I did rub her back ...
I worked briefly at a sexual health clinic, I find that levels of stress (children and starting a new job) can certainly lower sex drive especially in women, relieving that stress, even if it is from the job, chores, etc., can certainly help get her in the mood

And completely agreed with Ryuson, that is exactly the way it works Make us feel better, get our minds off of pain or stressful situations and you open our minds up for other things!
08/17/2011
ThoughtsAblaze ThoughtsAblaze
Pampering her is an excellent idea, as others have suggested. Yes, that takes effort without guaranteeing sex, but the sex won't happen until she's relaxed.

While having children is a blessing, I'm sure they are one of the biggest hindrances to her sex drive. Have you tried setting up a sex date? I've been babysitting for a family for a few years now, and when their three kids have really put a damper on their love life, they take a sex date. Sometimes it's me coming over very late on a Friday night just before the kids go to bed; I put the kiddos to bed and for a decreased fee, I stay there while the kids sleep and they're out for a few hours (I know they've gone to a hotel a few times, or even admitted to being in the minivan parked around the street ). We've also done mid-day dates where I take the kids out for 2 hours or so: I take their minivan and we go somewhere cheap (a matinee movie, the park, etc) so they have some alone time at home. Of course, I've been with them for years and have a great enough relationship with them for them to share this, but you wouldn't have to tell your babysitter exactly what you're up to.
08/17/2011
Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
I think my husband is the most romantic and sexy when he does ordinary things to take care of me (especially the ones I don't even ask him to do). I feel overwhelmed and stressed at the end of the summer (because all the house guests are finally gone and OMG, my house needs a deep cleaning) and the beginning of spring (because OMG the house guests are going to be arriving soon and my house needs a deep cleaning), when my "spring cleaning" feelings (needs) begin kicking in. My husband can sense this is happening and he knows how much I despise cleaning the fridge, the garage and the dusting. He will sometimes take a day when I am not home or let me sleep in on a weekend and surprise me with that. The very best part is he does not expect me to praise him for it, and because he does not expect it, but does it so I don't have to, turns me on!

The bath and glass of wine waiting right after work works wonders too! When he treats me like a princess, he has to beat me off him with a stick!
08/17/2011
Peggi Peggi
Quote:
Originally posted by Redboxbaby
I think my husband is the most romantic and sexy when he does ordinary things to take care of me (especially the ones I don't even ask him to do). I feel overwhelmed and stressed at the end of the summer (because all the house guests are finally ...
Couldn't agree more, there isn't anything I love more than coming home from a stressful day of work to a nice bubble bath I also love it when dinner is already made up for me when I am finished with said bath
08/17/2011
Rossie Rossie
My two cents: If there's a day with totally no chores and no kids, I'll do anything my husband wants!
08/18/2011
EastCoast36 EastCoast36
Thanks to all of you for your input. Bubble bath right after work might be tough, because she is focused on the kids when she gets home. She misses them, and I completely understand, I do too. It's not really that we don't have sex, we do. I will probably always be the initiator, stress or no stress. It's a Mars and Venus thing, but I'm stressed too and think about sex quite often. I know it's unfair of me, but I see so many women on here posting about toys, sexual desires, and it would be cool to see my wife think about sex that way sometimes. I know, I'm whining again.
08/18/2011
fleshlightluvr1 fleshlightluvr1
It's really really hard with kids in the picture. you just have to make it a priority
08/19/2011
AHubbyof2SexualMinds AHubbyof2SexualMinds
I've been in the same boat you have. Patience and helping out around the house seem to do more for me than anything else.
12/28/2011
Total posts: 13
Unique posters: 9