The Dangers of Nostalgia

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The Dangers of Nostalgia

El-Jaro El-Jaro
I think we're all guilty of nostalgia with relationships not ending well. We tend to remember them differently from how they really happened. I had a bout of this today. Thankfully, my roommate was around and gave me a shoulder to lean on.

How do you deal with this?
03/29/2012
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Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
I think we're all guilty of nostalgia with relationships not ending well. We tend to remember them differently from how they really happened. I had a bout of this today. Thankfully, my roommate was around and gave me a shoulder to lean on. ...
I actually just submitted an article about this. No joke. Similar theme.

When I was sitting there going through my stash I had found things that I had gotten in the beginning of the relationship that just fell to pieces. It brought up memories of that time. The lingerie reminded me of when things started to turn to shit because I'd try to get his attention by wearing it and he told me I should find someone who was into that because he wasn't. It was hard. I replayed the whole thing in my head while I was sitting there. Rough times.

We tend to only pick out bits and pieces of things and let them become the big picture. It's very much black and white. You're either thinking about all the good times or all the bad. You have to find that grey area.
03/29/2012
mistressg mistressg
Quote:
Originally posted by Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
I actually just submitted an article about this. No joke. Similar theme.

When I was sitting there going through my stash I had found things that I had gotten in the beginning of the relationship that just fell to pieces. It brought up memories ...
God, this is relevant. Yes, have totally been there.
03/29/2012
mistressg mistressg
(and I would love to read that article).
03/29/2012
corsetsaurus rex corsetsaurus rex
Not very well, unfortunately. People that were important to you seem to leave bits of your past together lying around like psychic landmines for you to find. The good news is like landmines they seem to be one-time use, so the more you plod about in day-to-day life and run into them, the more will be safe. The bad news is at least with me, I have to experience the memory-reconciliation crap about an event before it is safe.

I went through a really bad break-up about a year back, and for the first couple months everything from my toothbrush to the weather would remind me of the good times with the dude. After that, they got more far apart and less intense in that "I need to call right now" kind of way. I'm in a new relationship now, and only really bad on some holidays and such.

When these things do hit, they hit hard even for a mostly healed person, and I do not envy you the experience. Now that I have a new mate, I talk it over with him when this happens and he has this amazing calm that helps me to see things clearly again. Before I had my new man I used to go spar with my hapkido buddies (reasonable idea), take a bubble bath and then distract myself with ice cream and video games or a romance novel (good idea) or drink (really, really bad idea).
03/29/2012
Rossie Rossie
I dumped EVERYTHING that was related to my ex, except our divorce paper and our daughter.
03/29/2012
catsin catsin
Quote:
Originally posted by Rossie
I dumped EVERYTHING that was related to my ex, except our divorce paper and our daughter.
Yea, I'm thinking of holding a bonfire soon with some of my exes photos, notes and forgotten possessions. That nostalgia can be such a bitch but I know that burning things can sometimes be a great release of emotion. I plan to write a letter to burn with it all--burn away all the pain and fantasies I held about the relationship.

I have a tattoo I can't burn, however. Luckily it's not his name or picture or anything, but still. I'm thinking of ways to adapt it so that it's less reminiscent of "us".
03/30/2012
El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by corsetsaurus rex
Not very well, unfortunately. People that were important to you seem to leave bits of your past together lying around like psychic landmines for you to find. The good news is like landmines they seem to be one-time use, so the more you plod about in ...
Thanks for the idea on the martial arts classes! I have a few friends that are into it. I know I could use the exercise and focus!

The term "psychic landmines" is almost dead on too! "Nostalgia bombs"?

I caved yesterday and sent my ex a FB message, only to find out they either blocked my account or deleted theirs. It was rough at first (anyone know that Gotye song?), but then I realized that it's better that way. It just showed me how drama filled and immature they are. I realized that I'm glad I don't have that in my life anymore!
03/30/2012
Positwist Positwist
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
Thanks for the idea on the martial arts classes! I have a few friends that are into it. I know I could use the exercise and focus!

The term "psychic landmines" is almost dead on too! "Nostalgia bombs"?

I caved ...
Actually, I was going to say that contacting them can kill that nostalgia. I'm glad it worked for you!

I find that keeping them at a distance lets me romanticize them: I can create whatever image I want in my head, since there's no real-them around to remind me of the reality. The minute I start talking to them again, though, they burst my bubble and remind me why we broke up in the first place.

Hang in there, JR!
03/30/2012
js250 js250
You know how you keep the feelings somewhat alive but totally dormant inside of you? It is an illusion. I just ran into an ex-fiance of mine from a lot of years ago. Never quite got over that relationship, but went on with my life. (There were a lot of issues that were unresolved and questions that were left open and a miscarriage to boot.) Very much a long story.

You know what I actually felt when I realized who he was and he was talking to me like a long lost best friend? Nothing...peacefully, absolutely nothing. I was in a shock!! All these years of feelings for...nothing?? WTF??

I guess I got my final closure with that fateful run-in. I also feel no anger, hurt, or anything other than actual relief at the fact that I was not stuck with him in life. I was actually able to tell him thank you for leaving and not have a vengeful, hurtful or any other feeling in me when I did. Some things really do work out for the better, for both parties.

JR, sorry you are going through all this, it does take time and friends to get this to a manageable area of your life. If you need a friend, message me....but you will do great and will find someone really special.
03/30/2012
Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
Oh, the irony.

An old ex just got in contact with me. We hadn't talked for a few years and things between us had gotten really messy during the breakup.

A couple days after he got in contact with me he decided to drive 14 hours to come see me. It was fun at first. Friendly. We were like best friends, even. It's like we always were. We'd laugh about things that happened in the past.

At first, there was a lot we didn't remember about those days. Spending more time together has caused flashbacks for both of us. We'd talk about them and find humor in them, but that all changed last night.

After a night of drinking, we ended up laying in my bed. Soon enough we were cuddled up in a friendly, slightly intoxicated way. That's when it happened. All those feelings, all the insane chemistry, all of these things I didn't remember came back and were much more intense than I felt they had been before. It happened to both of us and caught us off guard. We still had that passionate love for each other.

We ended up getting physical but he stopped in the middle of it and said he couldn't do it. He had an ex in Florida he had made a promise to. That he wouldn't sleep with anyone else. This is the same ex that took him away from me last time.

It was so much like last time. Stirring up all those old feelings and transforming them into new ones.

He's coming back over tonight. He's leaving in three days. I don't know what to think anymore.
03/31/2012
Voir Voir
I chat sometimes with an ex that was pretty big drama back when we dated. It wasn't a very pretty break up at all and I was an ass to him etc. I added him on facebook about a year ago and we ended up apologizing for giving each other hell back then.

Occasionally catch up and chat, but there's nothing more than that. I see him as someone I dated, reconciled now we're just... "buddies" I guess. I could never date someone that I broke up with a second time. I don't play the break-up-date-break-up game :/ just not my style. When I end it it's over for good even if I do run into them later.

There are also circumstances in my life right now that also pretty much ensures nothing is going to happen as well. Heh. I don't know how an ex would take the whole Trans thing |: and I'm not down to go spouting stuff like that to people I know offline. Eden is a bit of an exception to this.

I think this could be harmful to some people but for me, no, because I will not let anything happen. And, I don't really remember him differently although I do acknowledge he's matured somewhat since we dated... I've just become more blunt and stubborn.
03/31/2012
Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
Quote:
Originally posted by Voir
I chat sometimes with an ex that was pretty big drama back when we dated. It wasn't a very pretty break up at all and I was an ass to him etc. I added him on facebook about a year ago and we ended up apologizing for giving each other hell back ...
Yeah, I totally feel you there.

The biggest problem with the ex that came back around to me was that he left me for a legitimate reason that I understand. He was expecting a kid with another woman that raised hell over him being with me and he had his responsibilities. He now sees that things with her make him miserable and are hell on both of them, but he made a promise to her even though they're not together that he wouldn't sleep with anyone.

Do I agree with that? No. And it sucks that we still have those feelings but the situation is becoming reminiscent of the first time around.
04/01/2012
little miss kinky little miss kinky
I just suffer through the nostalgia while telling myself that I'm forgetting a lot of other things. Eventually I'll remember the other things before the good stuff.
05/09/2012
Chilipepper Chilipepper
My recent one didn't end badly, we didn't have problems, we had future plans ...

And it was bitched up by finances and health. Something neither of us could control. He couldn't see a future with only one date every two years and the long distance and his health problems. He didn't want me to hang on to something that we may not have.

Everything was really good. I don't even have to imagine it was better or realize that it was someone's fault. Life got in the way of what was my first D/s and mature relationship.

He's still calm and lovely and sweet ... but he's no longer my Master, he no longer calls me, and there's no future to plan for. Even though we're friends who email occasionally, I can't have All of Him anymore. I'm no longer in his private world.

I'm pretty sure this a part of Hell that Dante overlooked.
06/12/2012
Total posts: 15
Unique posters: 11