Anal toys and my wife's attitude towards them and me (long post)

Bill220 Bill220
Since I was a teenager I've enjoyed anal play, have participated in it to varying degrees over the years and mostly by myself. About two years ago I discovered the plethora of anal toys that are available on websites like this and my interest increased accordingly. My wife has always known about my interest in things anal and used to participate in it with me. For whatever reason, that is no longer the case and I'm totally fine with her choice. I'm perfectly happy using my toys alone and make no secret of my purchases or toy use. I absolutely do not hide it or my participation on this site. My solo activities in no way detract from our sex life. I have sex with her anytime she wants it, do whatever she wants done and enjoy it. Knowing that she's not into anal toys, I never bring it up unless she asks me about what I do (and she has), nor do I request anything from her in that department.

So last week, she announces that she wants to try anal sex again and is now interested in using toys with me and on me. I'm thinking “great, something new to share”. It didn't work out so well. She refused to warm up with a finger or one of the smaller toys I have and proceeded to sit right down on my penis as I was lying on my back, which had to cause her considerable discomfort. Despite the obvious look of pain on her face, she refused to get off of me and just sat there not moving. I begged her to get up and after a few minutes, she finally did. So now, it's my turn and I really don't want to continue down this path, but I do. She proceeds to don a pair of latex gloves with the explanation that she doesn't want to hurt me with her nails and begins to shove a finger up there, then two. Due to the force she used, it was not at all pleasant. At this point I can tell she's 100% not into it so I request that she remove her fingers, which she does, then takes off the gloves and drops them in the trash can like they're contaminated with a deadly virus or something. I had cleaned myself out prior to our encounter so I know there was nothing offensive on the gloves.

Afterward, she said she liked it (doubt it) and wanted to try again. I let it go at that.

Last night, she wants to have so sex so we head upstairs. A couple of hours earlier, I had inserted one of the plugs that I wear around the house so I head to the bathroom to remove it. I don't like sex with a plug in because it interferes with my erections. I hop into bed and she asks me what took so long so I told her what I was doing. You would have thought that I told her that I had sex with her sister. The look of shock on her face spoke a thousand words. The first thing out of her mouth is “what is wrong with you?”, the second thing was “no wonder you get anything done during the day”, (I work from home and that's not true) and hen she proceeds to ask me if I'm having an online affair with a man. None of what she's accused me of is true. She's known for a while that I use a plug during the day and that it's more for the pleasant feeling than it is sexual. We've actually discussed it and I told her that if I masturbate and use a sex toy, it's going to be with a dildo, not a plug.

Now I feel totally ashamed and guilty of my anal toy use and I'm extremely upset with my wife. I blurted out that she used to be open minded but has since become a close minded prude, which was probably the wrong thing to say but that's what I believe.

Should I stop with the toys? I really don't want to do that, nor do I think I should have to. If anyone would like to comment or has had a similar experience I'd like to hear it.
12/11/2012
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Robespierrethecat Robespierrethecat
You really shouldn't have to give up on using toys or something you like this much. Anal play isn't a big deal and shouldn't be, especially if you've offered to her that you won't ask for her involvement. You've done everything you possibly can to appease her, and she has no reason to be this upset about it.

I'd suggest maybe sitting down with her and explaining yourself again. That just because you like anal penetration does not mean that you're necessarily interested in men, or more interested in men than you wife. Reassure her that you love her and that what you do while masturbating isn't something for her to be upset about or even have a big say in. Who cares what you put in your butt when you're by yourself? You're not cheating on her and she ought to know that.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sucks to spend time with people who make you feel bad about something that's completely okay.

Good luck!
12/11/2012
Bill220 Bill220
Thanks for the supportive words, I really appreciate it.

I don't understand why some people have to be so judgmental and negative. I mentioned to her once that I wondered what it would like to be with a man or if we could switch bodies and that didn't sit with her very well. If I were single I'd probably give it a try but I also love being with women. She had some flings with a couple women before she met me so I figured she'd be cool with what I'm about but I guess not.
12/11/2012
CaseyDeuce CaseyDeuce
I'm sad that you with someone who is close-minded and unsupportive of things that you enjoy. I think that it's rather unfair.

I wish I knew what to tell you, but all I can say is communicate. More explanation, I don't know? But if you don't talk, you can't say you completely tried.

Unfortunately, when there's lack of communication, and there isn't sacrifice or willingness to listen or try, then I believe that other parts of the relationship begin to fail as well. I hope that you can work this out before it starts affecting other parts of your lives.
12/11/2012
Bill220 Bill220
Quote:
Originally posted by CaseyDeuce
I'm sad that you with someone who is close-minded and unsupportive of things that you enjoy. I think that it's rather unfair.

I wish I knew what to tell you, but all I can say is communicate. More explanation, I don't know? But if ... More
The thing is, she used to be really open-minded and adventurous.

Thinking back over the last 6 months or so, she's made remarks about me having too many toys and commented that I use too much lube when I tossed a bottle of it into the grocery cart.
12/11/2012
Ryuson Ryuson
Quote:
Originally posted by Bill220
The thing is, she used to be really open-minded and adventurous.

Thinking back over the last 6 months or so, she's made remarks about me having too many toys and commented that I use too much lube when I tossed a bottle of it into the ... More
To me it sounds like there might be something else going on here. While it seems like it's manifesting itself as anger against your sexual habits, it may be her feeling insecure about herself or your relationship.

I think that you should sit her down and talk to her about it. Ask her what's going on and why she's been so hostile about it all of a sudden, but use lots of "I feel" phrases and don't accuse her of anything.

"I feel like you've been a bit more hostile towards my masturbation habits recently. Is everything okay? Is there anything that I can do to make you feel better about the situation?"
12/11/2012
Supervixen Supervixen
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It can be really hurtful when your partner is not supportive of your sexual interests and needs, and saying things like, "what's wrong with you?" is really unfair. Nothing is wrong with you. You are perfectly normal, and having an interest in anal play doesn't make you gay. Even being curious about being with another guy doesn't mean that you're gay. You are human, and you are curious. Totally normal, and totally healthy. Being gay is totally normal and totally healthy too, but I don't that that's the issue here.

It sounds like your wife might be feeling insecure about your toy collection, and decided to try to get involved with it again, but obviously went about it the wrong way by rushing it (you DO NOT rush anal) and by not listening to you about warming up. If she had eased into it, maybe she would have eased into enjoying it, and perhaps that freaked her out.

A lot of the time on here, we see posts about women discussing their male partner's unease with their toy collection. It's not all that uncommon, and perhaps your wife is uneasy with yours. I think people who feel that way feel that they have to compete with the toys because they perceive the toys to be the source of sexual pleasure and satisfaction, or that they are doing something wrong, otherwise, you wouldn't need a toy. It's silly, but people get self conscious about their sexual prowess and their ability to please their partner.

But that's just speculation. You need to sit down with her and have a calm, open discussion about what is bothering her. Communication really is key when it comes to situations like this, because it is obviously really confusing when someone just stops being interested in something and appears to turn into a prude. There's got to be something that she's not telling you, and she may not even be that sure as to why she feels uncomfortable with anal play or your toy. Maybe she read or heard someone talk about anal play and men, or about toys and what that means in a relationship. Who knows? A lot of people are really judgmental about toys and anal play. Discuss this with her, and hopefully you guys can come to an understanding.

Good luck!
12/11/2012
Bill220 Bill220
Quote:
Originally posted by Ryuson
To me it sounds like there might be something else going on here. While it seems like it's manifesting itself as anger against your sexual habits, it may be her feeling insecure about herself or your relationship.

I think that you should ... More
I would tend to agree that something else is going on. She's accused me of having affairs many times, which I've never done.

I use plugs regularly but rarely ever masturbate and my wife knows this. I take antidepressants, which suppresses my sex drive some and it also makes it take forever to have an orgasm. We have had sex for two hours (with breaks in between) before I had an orgasm. Sometimes I just give up.
12/11/2012
Bill220 Bill220
Quote:
Originally posted by Supervixen
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It can be really hurtful when your partner is not supportive of your sexual interests and needs, and saying things like, "what's wrong with you?" is really unfair. Nothing is wrong with ... More
I don't think I'm gay but I very well may be bisexual and I'm ok with that. We've discussed it numerous times and my wife has actually had sex with other women when she was younger (which is kind of hot,haha).

I feel bad because she was doing something that she has no interest in. What her motives were behind that, I don't know and probably never will. It might be insecurity but that's a guess. I mean, how would you feel if somebody felt obligated to engage in some in form of sexual activity just because you like it but they don't? That's just fucked up. If the shoe were on the other foot I would have tried the anal deal once or twice and if I still didn't like it, that would be the end of it, period.

I hesitate to even bring it up again but will do so if/when the time is right.
12/11/2012
toy review man toy review man
I also think there is something else going on. My ex became very strange when she turned 40. The counselor thougt it was because of abuse in her childhood. She would go monthes without sex, but then turn into a nympho expecting 6 to 7 sessions back to back. It became abusive to me, when she would not stop and ride me raw. Sounds to me like there might be an underlying issue and she may need some professional help.
12/11/2012
Bill220 Bill220
Quote:
Originally posted by toy review man
I also think there is something else going on. My ex became very strange when she turned 40. The counselor thougt it was because of abuse in her childhood. She would go monthes without sex, but then turn into a nympho expecting 6 to 7 sessions back ... More
I hadn't considered that. I do know that a previous boyfriend was extremely abusive to her. I have some childhood sexual abuse in my background also but I got help for it and now have come to terms with it as best I can.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to this thread thus far. I really appreciate it. I don't really have anyone that I can trust to talk about these things. Even my close friends wouldn't understand my use of anal toys.
12/12/2012
Tork48309 Tork48309
Quote:
Originally posted by toy review man
I also think there is something else going on. My ex became very strange when she turned 40. The counselor thougt it was because of abuse in her childhood. She would go monthes without sex, but then turn into a nympho expecting 6 to 7 sessions back ... More
Very Interesting.
12/12/2012
Trysexual Trysexual
Quote:
Originally posted by Ryuson
To me it sounds like there might be something else going on here. While it seems like it's manifesting itself as anger against your sexual habits, it may be her feeling insecure about herself or your relationship.

I think that you should ... More
This is kinda what I was thinking, but Ryuson summed it up better than I could. I think its terrible that she had to ask "what is wrong with you?" Sounds like she suspects you are having an affair with another man or is threatened somehow by your toy use.
12/12/2012
Bill220 Bill220
I've decided that I will continue doing what I like to do alone but I'm not going to hide anything from her. If she doesn't like it, too bad.
12/13/2012
Total posts: 14
Unique posters: 8