Boyfriend has little to no sex drive!! What do I do?? Guys please help..

darlinclementine darlinclementine
So we have been "together" for about 3 months.... the first 2 times we f*cked (both times were in a 3 day time frame) it was amazing lasted a long time several positions it was great!! Then after that sex was rare and i had to be on top or he wouldnt have sex with me..... i had to innitiate it and even some of the times id get him going he would turn his back to me and go to sleep.... I am SOOOOO CONFUSED!!! This is the first time in my life i have ever met a guy (hes 23 im 25) who has seemingly NO sex drive!!! we went 23 days with out sex... to me thats unacceptable especially for us being new to this relationship.... Over the last 2 weeks he now wont even put his hand on me in bed or snuggle or even look at me!! he wont kiss me NOTHING like he is afraid of turning me on.... its f*cked!!! 2 nights ago in bed i turned to him and stared at him and he looked at me as asked what i wanted i told him you know what i want and he sighed then a few minutes later he got up and left.... he made sure he didnt come back until i was asleep.....
oh and he is willing to accept a bj anytime....
So guys have any of you ever been like this?? I absolutley love this guy and realllly want us to work out the only thing i cannot stand about him is this sh*t and its only because he is being selfish and disresptectful about it.
Oh and he is always telling me im beautiful and attractive and he loves the sex.... but i honestly dont believe him... everytime he ignores me or shoots me down i feel like im disgusting and thats why he doesnt want to have sex with me.... though he sex his lack has nothing to do with me.
06/18/2012
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darlinclementine darlinclementine
Quote:
Originally posted by darlinclementine
So we have been "together" for about 3 months.... the first 2 times we f*cked (both times were in a 3 day time frame) it was amazing lasted a long time several positions it was great!! Then after that sex was rare and i had to be on top or ... More
last sentenence was supposed to read "though he says his lack has nothing to do with me" also i asked him about this before and if this is just how he is or if it is something else and he couldnt give me an answer..... Oh and he is uncircumsized.... (my first time with an uncut man so i dont know if it has anything to do with it)
06/18/2012
Ansley Ansley
If you want honest opinions here, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the one being selfish is you. You're staring him down for sex? That's...wrong. Not on his part, but on yours. You seem extremely aggressive and you're probably scaring the poor guy to death. Lighten up a little and actually ask HIM what HE wants.

And no, being circumcised or not does not affect his desire to have sex.
06/18/2012
<3BF <3BF
Quote:
Originally posted by darlinclementine
last sentenence was supposed to read "though he says his lack has nothing to do with me" also i asked him about this before and if this is just how he is or if it is something else and he couldnt give me an answer..... Oh and he is ... More
well all I can say here is that being uncut has nothing to do with it. I am uncircumcised and I have a very active sex drive. Everyone can have periods in their life where they can be distracted from sex though, so I guess it would depend if this is his permanent personality or if it is just a temporary thing. Have you tried to talk to him about it?
06/18/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
I don't think it's the OP's fault. Twenty Three days with no sex? WTF?

The thing is, you can't "change" people, and you can't "fix" people. You said he's always putting you down, and hurting you.

I'm guessing the "staring down" only happened after the MONTH with him avoiding sex.

I wouldn't expect this to get better. He accepts blow jobs, but won't do anything to make you feel good? He's a selfish bastard.

QUOTE: he now wont even put his hand on me in bed or snuggle or even look at me!! he wont kiss me NOTHING like he is afraid of turning me on UNQUOTE. THIS is a huge red flag. Why doesn't he want to turn you on? I don't think you are "scaring" him.... unless he's afraid of sex in general or afraid of or doesn't like sex with women. If so, there isn't anything you can do to "fix" him. (Believe me, you don't want a sexless relationship.) This simply looks like the beginning of a sexless relationship. Do you want that?

And no, being uncut is the natural form of Man. It has nothing to do with sex drive at all.

Hon, he won't talk and he hurts you emotionally and he refuses to do anything to make you feel good sexually.

I have a question; just what are you getting from this relationship? It's been proven that when two people are in a romantic and sexual relationship there is more to it than being "friends" He has to want you and respect you and you have to want him and respect him. Both of you have to want and engage in sex. If those things aren't happening, there's nothing you can do, aside from therapy. If he won't even talk to you, is he going to see a therapist?
06/18/2012
darlinclementine darlinclementine
Quote:
Originally posted by <3BF
well all I can say here is that being uncut has nothing to do with it. I am uncircumcised and I have a very active sex drive. Everyone can have periods in their life where they can be distracted from sex though, so I guess it would depend if this ... More
I have tried and he couldnt find an answer for me... I need to talk to him about it again though... but im not sure how to go about it ya know...
06/18/2012
darlinclementine darlinclementine
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
I don't think it's the OP's fault. Twenty Three days with no sex? WTF?

The thing is, you can't "change" people, and you can't "fix" people. You said he's always putting you down, and hurting you. ... More
no he never puts me down or physically hurts me. He ignores my hints at sex and completely ignores me when we are in bed.

I didnt stare him down i just turned and looked at him less than a minute later he looked at me and asked what i wanted i told him and he left and yes it was because im getting hurt and frusterated by him ignoring me. Honestly i would be happier if he would just be like "hey im sorry but im not interested tonight' but not even that he just acts like i dont even exist.

And yes he will take a bj anytime!! most of the time when getting one he wont touch me and afterwards he is done and either leaves the room or goes to sleep. haha sometimes he will touch me when im blowing him and then as soon as he busts he stops and leaves me hanging!.... ugh...


What i get from this realtionship is a loving caring man who is beautiful and sweet and kind and fun! UNTIL it comes to sex..... so his only downfall is the sex... which is kinda really huge for me simply because i LOVE sex!!!

Im being patient with him hoping it will change.... but not sure how much longer i can hold on before i have to move on... I really dont want to hurt him...
06/18/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by darlinclementine
no he never puts me down or physically hurts me. He ignores my hints at sex and completely ignores me when we are in bed.

I didnt stare him down i just turned and looked at him less than a minute later he looked at me and asked what i wanted ... More
OK, I meant hurting you emotionally and I got it from this quote: everytime he ignores me or shoots me down I assumed that was for other things than sex.

Hon, the chance of this changing on its own are about Zero. Things like that just don't happen. He obviously knows you need and want sex why is he blocking?

People can be "beautiful and sweet" and yet waste years of your life, if they are anything other than just a friend. Sex is a normal part of healthy partnered relationships. People who avoid sex don't make good partners for people who want sex.

You don't want to "hurt" him. He's already hurting you every day by refusing you. Don't stick with someone who is a bad match just out of fear of "hurting" them. NO ONE would ever move on from bad relationships if that were the way it went. What you want matters, too. Just out of curiosity; how does he treat you in front of his friends? That can tell you a LOT.

I'm sorry. I would have left already.
06/18/2012
Ansley Ansley
Maybe I should have clarified a little bit, here. I know what frame of mind I'm in when I refuse sex and it's usually because I'm pissed off at the person asking. Or, just annoyed/don't want them in general. And I do feel by the choice of the OP's wording that she's aggressive. When it comes to him saying "sure, you can blow me" it's to placate her and to get her to go away.

This is definitely not a healthy relationship and it could very well be that this relationship started as a one-time thing and it sounds a lot like "we had sex, we're monogamous now" and that could be something he doesn't want at all.

If he HAS a low sex drive (which most 20-something year old men don't have an issue with) then there's probably a medical reason behind it. In either event, him not even being remotely open to discussing it with you shows that he has no interest in pursuing a relationship with you. Harsh? Yes. I do apologize for that, but I can't find a want to mince words here.

P'Gell - you and I were lucky to find men who were more mature than the average guy out there and we were lucky that they responded to our aggressive personalities. I don't the OP has been fortunate in this situation. It sucks, because I know what it feels like to be in his shoes AND her shoes. It's a no win and both need to love themselves enough to decide what's best for them at this time.
06/18/2012
Bex1331 Bex1331
My guy does this too, but we've been together 3 1/2 years so we've talked about it alot and we're working on it. When he does it it's mostly due to his insecurities, he's uncomfortable and insecure about himself sexually and so he would rather just not have sex than face those insecurities. He prefers BJs because he isn't expected to perform, but he doesn't accept them often because he knows it's not fair for me to do that and not get anything in return. I'm not saying for sure that this is the case with your guy but it sure sounds alot like mine so it's just an idea.
06/18/2012
darlinclementine darlinclementine
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Maybe I should have clarified a little bit, here. I know what frame of mind I'm in when I refuse sex and it's usually because I'm pissed off at the person asking. Or, just annoyed/don't want them in general. And I do feel by the ... More
it was supposed to be a one time thing his best friend is married to my best friend. both he and i just came out of shitty realtionships and wanted to get layed so our friends set us up. He came to my place since we were having a kick back and we did our thing and he hasnt gone back to sleep at his house since he ended up moving in with me. so if anyone decided to make it a relationship it was him. He prefers monogomy i dont mind either way personally since i like girls too.

And about the bj's he wants them he asks for them and hints at them MAJOR hints like sticking his dick in my face (not in a rude way btw). So those are something he is obviously wanting and not something to just get rid of me at that moment.

another thing is im not aggressive about sex i will try for a min or 2 if he ignores me i move on. so dont think you have me all figured out. I have been respectfully not pushing anything on him because i feel that would be wrong.
06/18/2012
darlinclementine darlinclementine
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
My guy does this too, but we've been together 3 1/2 years so we've talked about it alot and we're working on it. When he does it it's mostly due to his insecurities, he's uncomfortable and insecure about himself sexually and so he ... More
i have wondered if this has something to do with it...... he has said he used to be wicked self consious about being uncut but that he isnt anymore but i think he might be. He has said im the only chick he has been with that really likes that he is au-natural.
as sex goes he is great with his hands and i have told him and he is amazing at going down.... and the sex when it happens and he isnt expecting me to do it all (i like being on top too just not the whole time everytime) is... wow!!!! and i tell him.....

yeah he just started letting me see him without a shirt on a few weeks ago! not sure why he was so self consious about it he is cut and looks amazing without a shirt.... and he has avoided taking a shower with me too..... maybe insecurity has some to do with it..??... not sure

i cant just give up on him ya know i really want to get it all figured out.... hopefully we can figure it all out.


thank you for hinting at this all of these posts help me to see more and more and think about it more...
06/18/2012
Khanner Khanner
He sounds not only like a bad lay, but a jerk as well. Unless he is under some extreme personal stress, all the stuff you described is pretty rude. It sounds almost like he's trying to will you to break up with him.

You need to have a talk and be sure to use very direct language. Spell it out for him very clearly that you want HIM to please YOU every once and a while. If he has no good excuses or doesn't change, you should break up with him.

And if he asks you to blow him, ask him what he'll do for you after. Reciprocation is great.
06/18/2012
darlinclementine darlinclementine
Quote:
Originally posted by Khanner
He sounds not only like a bad lay, but a jerk as well. Unless he is under some extreme personal stress, all the stuff you described is pretty rude. It sounds almost like he's trying to will you to break up with him.

You need to have a talk ... More
I know he doesnt want to break it off... he literally just moved to Canada with me... if he was going to do it he would have done it before we moved here.......
06/18/2012
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by darlinclementine
it was supposed to be a one time thing his best friend is married to my best friend. both he and i just came out of shitty realtionships and wanted to get layed so our friends set us up. He came to my place since we were having a kick back and we did ... More
Interesting and thanks for clarifying. I usually refrain from jumping to conclusions, but your wording...I don't know, it just seemed really strong to me. Kind of weird that he just moved in on you like that without really discussing it. I'd be kind of worried about that...but I've been there done that and it didn't end up working out very well for me. Just kind of sounds like the typical stuff 20-somethings go through in life and that "this too, shall pass".
06/18/2012
Ryuson Ryuson
I think that the best thing to do is to sit down with him (not when either of you is in a hurry, grumpy, or hot and bothered) and tell him what you're feeling. Use lots of "I" statements. An example of this would be to say "I feel like it's a major issue with our relationship when we don't make love in such a long time. I really enjoy my time with you, and it's important to me and makes me feel like there's an underlying issue." instead of "We don't fuck often enough. You have issues."

Good luck! It really does sound like he has some insecurities, but he really needs to talk to you about them and keep you 'up to date' since you're a part of his life now.
06/18/2012
darlinclementine darlinclementine
Quote:
Originally posted by Ryuson
I think that the best thing to do is to sit down with him (not when either of you is in a hurry, grumpy, or hot and bothered) and tell him what you're feeling. Use lots of "I" statements. An example of this would be to say "I feel ... More
haha "We don't fuck often enough. You have issues." I would only say that to a prick lol

thank you i will go ahead and write out a few thing on paper and when i can muster up the balls to chat with him about it i will...
06/18/2012
Petite Valentine Petite Valentine
Before you drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what is going on in his head, I would recommend a simple blood test to either confirm or rule out low testosterone. Low testosterone can account for decreased sex drive, and it's not uncommon for performance anxiety (also a negative) to follow. From what you've written, it sounds as though he already has appearance anxiety.

The reason he may prefer and encourage blow-jobs is because he does not have to worry about maintaining an erection for an extended time.

It's important that he understand that he's normal, and that you're willing to work with him to make your sex-life fulfilling. However, looking at him isn't going to help. You need to communicate away from the bedroom: acknowledge that you are unhappy, but speak of solutions instead of blame.

Good luck!
06/18/2012
Claire-Bear Claire-Bear
The red flag to me is he will accept oral at any moment, but won't have sex. Does he offer oral to you in return? It seems really strange. Maybe he has a sex/porn addiction. An intimacy problem? If he's not willing to be open with you, you won't have a very good future. Communication and honesty is very important.
06/18/2012
Khanner Khanner
Quote:
Originally posted by darlinclementine
I know he doesnt want to break it off... he literally just moved to Canada with me... if he was going to do it he would have done it before we moved here.......
If he just moved, I wonder if stress is the cause, especially if sex was great before moving. Stress can make you self-centered like nothing else. It may just be low priority for him right now. That said, you should really have a chat with him.
06/18/2012
wdanas wdanas
This very much sounds like an insecurity/intimacy issue, in which case it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with what is in his own head. He may very much want to be intimate and have a close loving relationship with someone, but the insecurity and fear will step in and prevent him from doing so. It's a very awkward and upsetting place to be, but it is not your fault. It's not even his fault if this is the case, but it would be his responsibility to get the necessary help so he doesn't continue living a self-damaging, unhappy, and unfulfilling life.

With that in mind, you can list out your issues with what is going on in a non-judgemental and understanding way, but when it comes down to it, you will never be able to say or do anything to change it. That has to be his choice, and if he won't, you will be beating your head against a brick wall for years and slowly destroying yourself in the process. Keep yourself healthy in this. If this is his problem, he will have to find his own way. Be supportive, but be prepared. You can't "understand" or "love" someone into getting better.
06/18/2012
PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
Is he stressed out about something? Did you say something or did something happen that made him feel like he can't please you? Does he know of you having other partners (if that's the case)? Maybe he's feeling like he CAN'T measure up and is scared of trying.

Before it being a medical issue, I would hugely consider it being an emotional issue. Don't pressure him, don't push him. Show him love and interest and let HIM make the move. I think the more you back off, the more he'll consider coming around.
06/18/2012
<3BF <3BF
I agree with P'Gell that you can't "change" someone; so if he really doesn't like sex (that sounds crazy to me) and only likes blowjobs (I suppose some people are like that, idk...) then there really isn't anything you can do about it. It sounds like it is relatively early in your relationship so you can either play wait and see or talk seriously about it and try to figure it out together. I wouldn't expect to make someone start liking sex if for whatever reason they don't want it, and if he isn't willing to share what it really is, if it is something that is bothering him which he won't share, that doesn't sound like a good start to the relationship. I remember reading that the leading causes of divorce in married couples are financial and sexual reasons, so you are not asking too much to have a satisfying sexual relationship with your partner; it's what everyone wants and needs.
06/19/2012
iabicpl09 iabicpl09
Have him get his testosterone checked
06/24/2012
PassionateLover2 PassionateLover2
Quote:
Originally posted by Petite Valentine
Before you drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what is going on in his head, I would recommend a simple blood test to either confirm or rule out low testosterone. Low testosterone can account for decreased sex drive, and it's not uncommon ... More
I have to agree with 'Petite Valentine'. As a guy, I don't believe it is low testosterone. If he accepts BJ's but is not willing to respond to your needs in kind, it may be other issues. One medical concern could be blood pressure issues; high blood pressure can have an effect on a man's libido. But given his age, that may not be a factor. There could be some stress issues too, so that has to be taken into consideration. Find out.

Most important, you both need to communicate (not in the bedroom) and find out what is bothering him; why he doesn't show more affection towards you; why he doesn't want to touch you, why he doesn't want to have sex with you, etc. A relationship WILL NOT STAND if there is NO communication between each other.

If you ever decide to marry him, just think about how important communication will be to resolve any kind of problems in your relationship. If you can't resolve this issue now, then it would only get worse later on. This is a good "test" to your ongoing relationship with him going forward.

Finally, if he doesn't convey an honest and open response, you may have to break this relationship and look elsewhere.
06/25/2012
Noelle Noelle
My husband has a low sex drive,but he is 52 and I'm 42 and my drive is on the upswing. He could care less about when we have sex, and would have it 3-4 times a day. Once a week isn't cutting it. But it sounds like your guy has a problem, NOT YOU..I'd ask him to get help and if he isn't willing to, I would re evaluate your relationship. I feel your pain!!
07/07/2012
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