People repeatedly tell me I don't yet deserve a relationship.

emiliaa emiliaa
I cannot stand this any longer. I've been told repeatedly, every time I talk to someone who knows I have mental problems, that I "need to work on myself before I look for a relationship."

There is nothing to work on. I was born this way, I am bipolar, I have severe anxiety, I have a phobia of vomit. I have also developed a serious form of codependency as a result, but right now it's the only thing keeping me alive. There is no CURE. I could be working on this for years, and I am lonely now. Do you all really agree with the rest of the people that I don't deserve someone to love me because I'm sick?
10/10/2012
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Mwar Mwar
Quote:
Originally posted by emiliaa
I cannot stand this any longer. I've been told repeatedly, every time I talk to someone who knows I have mental problems, that I "need to work on myself before I look for a relationship."

There is nothing to work on. I was born ... More
First: Be proud of yourself for coming this far. I don't know your exact circumstances, but you have identified your issues and work toward resolving them. That is much farther than many people ever get. So yes. You are amazing, especially in this regard.

Nobody's perfect. If you love and respect yourself, then you can let someone else into your life. However, it's important to let that person know, if you decide to commit, about these things. They should be able to decide if they wish to take you with all your imperfections and traits. And if they don't want to, it might hurt but it's a bullet dodged.

Knowing management of your issues and being aware is/was the biggest things. Do you own any pets? If not, I would consider it. A dog, cat, hamster, or even a fish that you love will ease possible anxieties and stress. Furry friends offer a security and unconditional love.

To the people who say that stuff: they might think you have to work on you more. But honestly, only you know when you're ready.

And if it brings you down? F*ck them.

I hope that helps. I also have some similar issues (not exact, but similar realm) as you and found someone who loves me despite my issues. So you are NOT a lost cause or damaged goods.

Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I'm a no judge zone. Take care!
10/11/2012
emiliaa emiliaa
Thanks so much. I guess a lot of people on here are just very judgmental and lucky enough to have been born without mental health problems. I hate invisible illnesses. Too many people are drawn to me in spite of it, and then find out, and run away. :/ It's really lonely, especially since I have a horrible addiction to affection.
10/11/2012
Mwar Mwar
Quote:
Originally posted by emiliaa
Thanks so much. I guess a lot of people on here are just very judgmental and lucky enough to have been born without mental health problems. I hate invisible illnesses. Too many people are drawn to me in spite of it, and then find out, and run away. ... More
While it sucks, it is MUCH better for them to bolt early on instead of trying or pretending to deal and then months/years later ditching. Think of it this way (I'm darkly sarcastic sometimes, but it helps me cope with my issues, hope that's okay), you have a built in weed-out system for good soul mate material! Instead of finding out people are jackasses/etc years later, BAM, you know then and there!

And when someone stays, boy, you'll have a keeper!
10/11/2012
emiliaa emiliaa
Quote:
Originally posted by Mwar
While it sucks, it is MUCH better for them to bolt early on instead of trying or pretending to deal and then months/years later ditching. Think of it this way (I'm darkly sarcastic sometimes, but it helps me cope with my issues, hope that's ... More
Well, yeah, but I am a feminine female and I'm only attracted to feminine women, I should mention that. I don't ever get laid. I don't ever go on dates. I have absolutely no prospective lovers whatsoever, at any given time. ._. I'm like foreveralone.

Though, what I think of my particular blend of mental diseases as is a natural way to get high. My emotions are SO extreme, and my reactions to things are so severe, sometimes people think that I'm high when I'm happy.
10/11/2012
jr2012 jr2012
It's pretty harsh to say that you don't deserve a relationship! sheesh! everyone does!

It's just a matter of finding the right person. Sometimes I can't believe that shit I feel like put my S.O. though (I have anxiety issues), and he's completely fine with it. Match made in heaven.

The only advice I would give is to be up-front about it when meeting new people, so they can make the call if they're willing to work with you before things get too intense.

Good luck, and be happy!!
10/11/2012
GONE! GONE!
There's someone out there for everyone, imo. Just because they can't imagine being with someone like you doesn't mean someone else won't think you're great and work well with you in a relationship!
Like everyone else is saying, just be honest and open. Eventually someone will be totally ready for you and give you all the love you need.
10/11/2012
emiliaa emiliaa
I'd never hide or lie about my mental illnesses, but oddly, most of the advice I've gotten is the OPPOSITE-- people say I SHOULDN'T let everyone know that I'm mentally ill... What's up with that? :/
10/11/2012
js250 js250
My best friend is bipolar and she has an amazing spouse that loves her, helps her through the manics and supports her. It is not the challenges you are born with--but what you choose to do about living a healthy life with them. I think you are doing good--you identify your issues, know what is going on health and mentally and are still able to carry on a viable and productive life. That is more than many people with no health or mental issues.

I suffered brain damage and developed impact related ADD in a car wreck three years ago--well, three years on Oct. 19th. I am 42 and am having a hell of a time coping with the fact I will never be 'me' again. I have had to learn who I am now and to accept this person. It has been a bit rough, I almost lost my husband due to my personality and mental changes. I understand how difficult it is to work through the bad times. I feel you deserve to be happy, have a good, solid relationship and that there is a good person out there waiting for someone like you to come along.

You are welcome to message me anytime you need someone to vent to or just talk to. I am here and will try to help in ay way I can. Keep your head up and be proud of who you are--
10/11/2012
js250 js250
Quote:
Originally posted by emiliaa
I'd never hide or lie about my mental illnesses, but oddly, most of the advice I've gotten is the OPPOSITE-- people say I SHOULDN'T let everyone know that I'm mentally ill... What's up with that? :/
Many people are scared of what they do not understand.
10/11/2012
emiliaa emiliaa
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
My best friend is bipolar and she has an amazing spouse that loves her, helps her through the manics and supports her. It is not the challenges you are born with--but what you choose to do about living a healthy life with them. I think you are doing ... More
*hugs* Thanks very much to you, too. Changes can be hard, mine are on a daily basis rather than one major change in my life. I feel like I'm never the same person or never a solid person at all.
Forgot to mention my body dysmorphia, and disassociation. I actually have never been able to settle on a name that I am comfortable with going by. It's really bizarre.
But again, thank you, and same to you, I hope you're doing well.
10/11/2012
- Kira - - Kira -
I'm Bipolar I and even my mom used to tell me I needed to "work on myself" first. There's not much I can work on. I do the best I can, but I have an illness. I can't really do much about it anymore than someone with a physical illness can. I take my meds and keep and eye on my moods. *shrug*

I'm married for five years now. My husband and I have a loving and stable (mostly) relationship. There's no reason someone with Bipolar can't be in a relationship.

As for telling people, I find being upfront is best. That way they're not all shocked when I swing. Plus it gives someone an out if they don't care to deal with a mental illness. Not everyone has the strength to deal with it. I'd rather give them a chance to say so rather than run screaming when shit goes bad.
10/11/2012
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Honey, I have dysthymia and anxiety, which are also life-long and will never go away. I've felt the same way as you before - although my complaint is "there are no emotionally mature men in existence because guys either want mommies to look after them or they don't want relationships" (which was the extent of what I had met). It's even more difficult to get one's self out there while being a painfully shy introvert.

You'll always find someone who clicks with you. The criteria you have is no different than anyone else's criteria for a mate, "such-and-such attributes" sort of thing. It's not fair to diss an entire area because of all the extroverts you see. Dig deeper into other places to hang out and be observant of who's there.

Yes, you do deserve to be loved and affectionated upon. We all do, even those of us with life-long problems that will never go away. We just have to dig deeper to find those who can understand and meet us in the middle.
10/11/2012
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Perhaps people around you are trying to politely tell you to do something like see a shrink or get some medication or simply change your attitude? I struggle with anxiety, but I ALWAYS think there's something I can work on. I know that my attitude, for instance, is often in my control. I strive to be a better person, one who is well adjusted and stable. I know how frustrating it is to feel like my brain chemistry is working against me, but I never assume there isn't anything more than I can do.

That isn't to say that a good match won't accept those things and help me work it through, but I expect that all my maintenance is something that is only my responsibility.. so I kind of understand where people are coming from. I assume that most people aren't mentally fit to be in a relationship, anyway. I also don't assume that anyone "deserves" a relationship.

I'm sure hearing it repeatedly isn't any fun. You might ask someone if there's something in particular they see you do that's detrimental to a relationship. People might back off if they feel you're taking it to heart..?
10/12/2012
emiliaa emiliaa
I don't have any requirements to see a shrink or take pills before I get a relationship. So what if my body rejects every medicine I take and paying for a counselor makes me feel like I'm paying someone to be my friend...? It just doesn't work for me. That shit does not work for everyone, and most of all, some people don't have the MONEY to throw away on trying every single therapist in their state... I just wish some people would quit treating me like a big problem or someone who doesn't deserve to be loved :/
10/12/2012
- Kira - - Kira -
Quote:
Originally posted by emiliaa
I don't have any requirements to see a shrink or take pills before I get a relationship. So what if my body rejects every medicine I take and paying for a counselor makes me feel like I'm paying someone to be my friend...? It just doesn't ... More
Umm...okay. That attitude? That's probably what they're telling you to work on. My body rejects most meds but I still keep trying new ones to stabilize me. If you think a therapist is just trying to be a friend - you need a better therapist. That's not what they're there for.

If you don't have money, try to find a free clinic for mental health or someone that uses a sliding scale.

Do you deserve to be loved? Of course. But the person that loves you deserves a semi-stable relationship. That won't happen with totally untreated Bipolar. I've been there, done that, and caused chaos for many poor souls who dated me at the time.
10/12/2012
Total posts: 16
Unique posters: 8