When your partner doesn't care about their own pleasure.

Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
I've recently started seeing someone and we've been mildly sexual. Everything is perfect. There's mind-blowing chemistry and he drives me nuts in a really good way.

Recently we were playing around a little and I started to pay him some attention while he was doing the same to me, but he seemed more interested in what he was doing than what I was doing to him. I asked him about it and he said he really doesn't care about getting his. He's totally a giver and not really a taker, saying that it "takes too long" for him to really get anything out of it. I mean, he seemed to be really enjoying himself, too.

I'm slightly confused or concerned or something. As much as I crazily enjoy the things he does to me, I want to give that back to him in return.

I'm sure some of you have been there before. Any advice on how to make him enjoy himself more? I mean, having someone totally focused on pleasing you is a wonderful thing, but it's nice when it goes both ways. I'm just not sure what to do to put things more in balance.

From what he's told me about his past experiences in relationships and such, he's been with people that don't really give anything back either in the relationship or sexually, so I've started to think he's developed the total giver mentality because of that.
04/30/2012
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I'm in the exact same boat. I hope we get some answers here.
04/30/2012
Ansley Ansley
Talk, talk, talk! While it's fantastic that you've found a giver, the fact that you are wanting to play both roles for him - receiver and giver - needs to be stated. That it's super important to you to be able to give him the same pleasure you're getting.

Investigate possible reasons - intimacy issues, horror stories from past experiences, difficulty ejaculating in general, pleasure doesn't feel the same to him as it does to you...those are just the starting points I would hit.
04/30/2012
Kindred Kindred
Quote:
Originally posted by Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
I've recently started seeing someone and we've been mildly sexual. Everything is perfect. There's mind-blowing chemistry and he drives me nuts in a really good way.

Recently we were playing around a little and I started to pay him ... More
As with most relationship issues, I think you need to have a good talk with him. Is he simply not interested in receiving, does he prefer to be focused when pleasing you, is it a defensive mechanism (couldn't think of a better way of wording it) based on past experiences, etc? Equally important is how does it make you feel? Is it important for you to be able to please him at the same time? Will you feel guilty? Some people are uncomfortable accepting being just the receiver, but that's what a true giver wants and what makes them feel good. I hope things work out for the best.
04/30/2012
Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
I'm really appreciative of his interest and curiosity when it comes to BDSM. He's never experienced something like that before but I've started educating him about it and explaining what it's about and he finds it fascinating. A very excited beginner. I like this because, as we all know, I'm quite the kinkster myself.

During the conversation last night after closing out the giving/taking subject, he told me that he's always been the dominant one sexually and he wants to see what it's like on the other side. I think it's a perfect chance to maybe open him up a little bit and see if he's more comfortable with being a taker.

He and I are really open about sexual, emotional, and intimate issues and needs because of our pasts and the direction we're both trying to go in our lives so it makes it a lot easier to talk.

And this is also why I love this community. Everyone is so wonderful.

Oh, and not to mention, during that recent encounter I put the Mimi in his hand during everything. He'd never really had sex toys incorporated into anything before but he loved it. Things like this really excite me.
04/30/2012
Antipova Antipova
Stormy and Kindred have said lots of useful things, and I'm sure you'll get more advice before the thread is over too---but here are a few thoughts from somebody kinda similar to your partner (maybe moreso in the past than now, but still.)

Is this just with one particular sex act (like oral?) or across all things?

From my experience, I don't really like receiving oral. Physically I don't get much out of it, so consequently instead of having my brain turn off and enjoying myself like most of sex, my brain is churning the whole time being like "oh I hope [partner] isn't hurting his tongue, I hope it's not hurting his feelings that I haven't orgasmed already, gosh this is awkward, why can't we just be doing something fun for both of us?"

So, especially with new partners, I learned to just say "hey I'd much rather give than receive," because giving oral is mentally and physically a lot of fun for me. And receiving oral... just isn't.

So, if it's just one thing like that where he might have a mental block---just skip that thing for now. If things develop more deeply between you two, you can always explore and help him feel more comfortable later. (For me, with guys who really enjoy giving oral, we can usually work something out where they'll write me an essay about why it turns them on, and I can make myself focus on how they've explained cunnilingus as a turnon while they're doing it, instead of focusing on myself. And it's still not something I ask for, but at least I can do it and feel comfortable and it's a mutually enjoyable thing.)

If it's all of sex that he wants to only give and never receive, see if you can come up with a clever way to balance it. Let him know that you like to give *and* receive, and ask him to help you come up with clever solutions for a) simultaneous giving and receiving or b) some kind of workaround like I described with receiving oral, where you help him understand that it's turning you on to give, and let him think about your pleasure from giving instead of his from receiving.

I hope this was clearly worded, I kinda suspect it wasn't. But best of luck!
04/30/2012
Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
Stormy and Kindred have said lots of useful things, and I'm sure you'll get more advice before the thread is over too---but here are a few thoughts from somebody kinda similar to your partner (maybe moreso in the past than now, but ... More
I totally got what you were saying. It does make sense to approach the situation that way, as in he is still giving me pleasure by letting me give it to him and such. His whole thing was that everything takes to long for him. Basically, the opposite of premature ejaculation. That, and his sex drive is horribly low and he hates that. (I used to be in the same boat before I came here.)

We've already worked through some of the issues that have come up. Maybe part of him being more of a giver is his low self-esteem. He's uncomfortable being naked a lot of the time even though he's an attractive guy, and I'm trying to work on reassuring him that I do find him attractive and that he has nothing to be insecure over. There was that and him feeling like it was really, really difficult to start having sex with someone he has feelings for, but I've assured him that I respect him, I know he respects me, and that it's all okay. I've walked him through his anxiety in the middle of things and he's really started to open up and let me lead him in what we're doing.

He's a complicated one. Not someone I want to "fix", but someone I want to help grow and overcome things, and I see that happening, but this kinda stumps me.
04/30/2012
Antipova Antipova
One thing you'll want to keep in mind (and I hope I'm phrasing this correctly?)

Perhaps it is the case that he doesn't like having attention focused on him because of low self esteem.

So say he decides that he wants to improve his self esteem, and the two of you work on that over time and his self esteem does improve.

That still won't *necessarily* suddenly make him want to be the center of attention, because his turnons didn't develop that way.

So like (I can't even remember how many partners have tried to "cure" me of not really enjoying oral, without really asking for much input from me) even once his self esteem is improved and he has grown and overcome things, celebrating it with a big cathartic two-hour blowjob session might not work, just because his kinks haven't developed that into an exciting thing.

So, yes, be supportive while he grows---but don't expect sex to change on a one-to-one function. Sex and self esteem are deeply interrelated, but it's not always transparent exactly how that goes. Let him get off in ways that work, don't force him to receive when it's not working for him.

PS, yay! Enjoy!
04/30/2012
Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
One thing you'll want to keep in mind (and I hope I'm phrasing this correctly?)

Perhaps it is the case that he doesn't like having attention focused on him because of low self esteem.

So say he decides that he wants to ... More
Yes! These are all things I've been contemplating. One thing I really enjoy about him is that he's trying to work with me and wants things to change for himself. He appreciates my patience and creativity and how he feels like I'm broadening his horizons. His self-esteem is something that I'm helping him work on. Not by simply telling him he has no reason to be insecure, but showing him why. I mean, honestly, if you really care about someone do their flaws really matter? Having someone be super affectionate, kind, and supportive is especially helpful in gaining back that self-confidence.

Knowing that I'm helping him get past these things and seeing the progress he's making makes me feel amazing, and he's doing the same for me and it's a beautiful thing, really. We both need this, I think. The people I've been with have been out for themselves in these types of situations, so my receptiveness and his giving nature are totally in balance.

Meanwhile, I'm gaining lots of wisdom in the process that will help me help others in the future. You know, since I'm working on becoming a sex educator/therapist and I do it with my customers already at work.

And again, thank you.
04/30/2012
Shellz31 Shellz31
My Master is more concerned with my pleasure than his own, but for him, seeing me totally pleasured is how he gets his - if that makes sense. He is the type of guy who can't just lay back and take full on pleasure himself - he has to be giving to actually enjoy it.

Took me ages to actually understand it cause I've only been with takers before and was under the impression all guys where like that. But I think most genuine Doms are 'givers' if they are truely out to pleasure their sub/s.


He's not a Dom at all that you know of?
Perhaps he has just fallen into the 'giver' role because of past experiences. Very easy to do so when others have always just taken from ya.
04/30/2012
Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
Quote:
Originally posted by Shellz31
My Master is more concerned with my pleasure than his own, but for him, seeing me totally pleasured is how he gets his - if that makes sense. He is the type of guy who can't just lay back and take full on pleasure himself - he has to be giving to ... More
During part of our conversation last night he did say that he's normally the dominant one in a sexual sense, but he's still extremely new to kink, so he's still figuring himself out in that sense. He did say that he wanted to be on other end of it to see what it was like. Sounds like a total switch to me and that's awesome because I'm a true one myself, but I've been incredibly fascinated with the Domme in me I've recently discovered.

And like Antipova said, I don't think there is a true sense of taking on full pleasure because a good partner will find as much pleasure in providing it.

It's silly that this is all incredibly exciting for me.
05/01/2012
oldman oldman
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Talk, talk, talk! While it's fantastic that you've found a giver, the fact that you are wanting to play both roles for him - receiver and giver - needs to be stated. That it's super important to you to be able to give him the same ... More
Nicely said.
06/11/2012
Total posts: 12
Unique posters: 7