For TBK, this interview is all about Coming Out as a Sex Positive Slut in the Midwest Bible Belt. What made Kendra decide to “come out”? What was it like being fired from her job for her personal blog? What are her plans now that she is fully embracing her identity?
Kendra Holliday is The Beautiful Kind, a 38-year-old bisexual mother living in St. Louis, MO. She has been boldly and bravely exploring sex for over 20 years, and has spent the past four years documenting her wild adventures anonymously online as a Sex Writer, Consultant, and Editor of TheBeautifulKind.com. So, on Coming Out Day, and in keeping with her belief that sex should be discussed openly and honestly in the light of day instead of whispered secretively in the dark, she has made the difficult but vital decision to fully own all that she has done - the good, the bad, and the ugly. And now she is telling you her name, showing you her face, telling you her story (did you see the video interview on SexIs yet?!), and taking your questions here.
You may recall that The Beautiful Kind made national news in April when she was dramatically fired from her full-time day job for writing about sex in her personal life under a pen name. In a random Google search, TBK's employer found her real name unknowingly linked to her personal website, and based her immediate termination on this sole instance. The employer has continually declined public comment. Countless blogs and media websites picked up the scandalous story, including Inc.com, Business Insider, Glamour, Huffington Post, digg, Jezebel, Fleshbot, and Mental_Floss. During that difficult time, TBK took her website down for a few weeks and focused on writing her empowering ebook The Book of Goddess: Elevating Your Desirability to Mythic Proportions.
Kendra shares: “I'm grateful to my friends and family for supporting my decision. There's no telling what will come of this bold move, but I'm confident coming out will open up many new doors and be an inspiration to others. We all want to be accepted for who we are.” Kendra writes openly about her current life experiences on her own site, as well as her former days as a sex worker, in her column, The Whore Journals on SexIs.
Kendra is embracing her future by focusing on ways to give back to the community and to educate others. As a founding member of a new not-for-profit community organization, Sex Positive St. Louis (SEX+STL), she is excited about the potential of this online community resource for local sex positive events, partnerships with organizations, and information sharing. As Kendra plans workshops and speaking events, both independently and with SEX+STL, EdenFantasys will be sponsoring her efforts. We are very much looking forward to this new chapter in the beautiful life of Kendra Holliday, The Beautiful Kind, as she continues to elevate her sex positive mission!
You said in your interview with Jeff Schult that you decided to come out a couple months ago. Was this motivated by your unfortunate coming out at work, or was this something you had always thought you'd eventually do?Good question! I can tell you if I was still working at an office job, I'd still be in hiding. But being fired in April allowed me plenty of time to do some soul-searching. By summertime I made my decision to come out, but spent more time talking it over with my people (friends, family, experts). I still wanted to give myself time to work the details out, so I decided fall was a good time to Come Out, and voila! National Coming Out Day was perfect timing!
Starting Sept 11, the countdown to Come Out was stressful, and got pretty intense this past week! I'm glad it is done - this morning at 4am I was like, whoa! And have been like, whoa all day!
Airen Wolf (host): "Sounds like a huge sigh of relief. I bet it feels good to be 'recapitated' though!"
Hi Kendra! Congrats on coming out! I loved reading about your story as I know many people still struggling with issues such as this, what would you tell those who are still finding the strength and courage to come-out and display their true self and not care who knows about it?You are right - many people still struggle with this issue, and I think they will be very curious to see how my Coming Out plays out the next few weeks. If things go well for me, it will encourage others to follow suit; if I run into problems, it will likely keep folks fearful and in the closet.
The biggest issues usually lie with ex-spouses and parents (and it's especially controversial for a person to come out who has kids under 18 - I have a 10 yr old daughter).
One thing I would advise is to take your time with it - don't decide to come out next week or the next day. Give it a couple months to sink in and play out scenarios and come up with a strategy. I spent the past couple weeks meeting with all kinds of people - a marketing expert, a PR specialist, a lawyer, my daughter's school, the NCSF, and more. Right now this kind of thing is a big deal, but I'm hoping it won't be in the near future!
Hi! Thanks for coming on!
You've done a few reviews for EdenFantasys. What's your process for writing reviews? Do you have any pointers you'd like to share?I try to keep my reviews interesting - always adding a sci-fi or fantasy twist, otherwise you're just reciting the specs on a toy and that's boring. So many toys remind me of aliens or muppets. I like to turn the review into a scene. Every time we get a toy to review, we stage an event, which is like a party, which is like awesome. Leap into it, make the reader feel like they're there, don't be afraid to mention the blood and guts. Huh? Oh, nothing, I'm posting a review tomorrow that got a little messy...
Airen Wolf (host): "I am so looking for that review...."
Hey Kendra, I was just wondering if there was one specific experience that made you want to be a sex writer?Actually, this post I wrote really turned things around for me. When I first started blogging, I was just ranting about random things. Then I started tapping into my sex life:
"Night of the Living Blowjob
One sultry summer night I was with a sexy, wolfish man. We came back from the bar to the bed & breakfast I managed, and we had the place to ourselves. We were standing on the front porch taking in the dark, sprawling landscape dotted with winking fireflies when it began thundering and lightening.
The fireflies vanished, and as if possessed, I wordlessly sank to my knees and unbuttoned his jeans. I took off my top in order to feel the stormy breeze on my skin. I looked up at him and began sucking, devouring. Rain fell all around us but we were sheltered by the porch. A chorus of frogs swelled and he took me by my hair and pulled me into him, pushing deep into my throat. We both groaned. He manhandled me, face fucked me, and the fierce intensity of the whole illicit act shot straight to my pussy. For a moment there, I didn't need to breathe. And then he pulled out, I gasped, and he came all over my pale, quivering chest."
Once I shared this story with my readers, I created a monster.
I'd like to say congrats on coming out as well. I was very upset when I heard about your termination due to your blog. I also feel that you are very brave. I could never release my identity to the public because of the job choice I have chosen for my future. As far as jobs go, are you just going to focus on your blog now or are you going to find another job in the future?Even though I'm not getting paid, I'm treating my website as my full-time job and putting all my time and energy into it. How I'm doing that and managing to pay my bills is miraculous, as I'm a single mom. I feel strongly that I'm on the right track and I'll be able to turn this into a real career, I just have to be patient and believe in myself. The time is ripe for a sexual renaissance in our country.
IF I ever do work for someone else again, they will have to accept me for who I am and recognize my talents as assets. In the past, I have telecommuted for two jobs based in San Francisco who knew about my website and they loved it.
I can't help but feel that what your employer did to you was not only wrong, but illegal. Has there been any repercussions for them? How did you handle that?I live in Missouri, which is an at-will employment state, so you can get fired for anything. They did mess up by telling me why they were firing me (for being public about my sexuality), so I could have pursued legal action, but I had no interest in outing them or seeking revenge because they are a non-profit doing good things for the community and I didn't want to take away from that. I believe in them even if they don't believe in me. I believe in me.
Airen Wolf (host): "They lost an amazing asset. NFP companies NEED people who are hard working and willing to put their necks on the line, it's just a shame the community is losing out both ways. Still perhaps this was the spark you needed to do what you need for yourself."
First things first, congratulations on having the courage to come out full force, especially after getting fired for a simple linking mistake. It takes a lot of guts that I really admire.
Has there been any effect on your family in all of this, negative or otherwise? Have other relationships been strained because of this whole ordeal? How do you deal with any crap that might get flung your way?The local alt weekly is running an extremely revealing article on my life and family this week, I hope they take it well. I think they will. We're a pretty close family full of black sheep, green sheep, purple polka dot sheep!
My ex-husband was interviewed as well. He would have preferred the reporter leave out the part about the Mexican whorehouse.
Time will tell if anyone is affected negatively, they might find this openness and honesty refreshing.
As far as crap being flung goes, I always remember that the person flinging the crap is doing so based on limited information. Ignorance happens.
Airen Wolf (host): "Often the comments people make show their own fears and insecurities. They aren't really aimed at the target but at that giant dark mass they feel will consume them. It's sad but you have to just take it with a grain of salt."
As a third year college student I've recently come across a sticky situation that I'm unsure on how to approach. I live in a house with five other guys and my one roommate; who has been my best friend for over ten years now, has recently been coming off as gay and seemingly hinting towards homosexuality around my roommates and I. I'm not sure whether or not I should let things stay how they are or to confront him; as his best friend, on the situation at hand. Help me out Kendra. Thanks and best of luck with everything.I'm not sure what the problem is - is your best friend scared to just come out and say he's gay? Are you willing to accept him for who he is? Once that's been established, you should throw him a Coming Out party!
During the 60s and 70s, there was an opening of sexual secrecy as well as more openness in they way people thought and talked about sex in general, at least in public and political scenarios Then somewhere in the 80s, things started becoming repressive and sex-hostile again, things started to loosen up during the Clinton Administration, only to be crushed by faux "sex scandals" and the Nation seems to be headed in a "knees together, arms crossed" position yet again.
As we are now living through an other Puritanical Era, (although the internet seems to be a haven for Openness in many of these areas) Who or what do you think is responsible for the "re-dirtying" and re-repression of sex and what do you think can be done to help us pick up on the progress we made in the recent past.Such a great point! I think our society is more puritanical than the Puritans were! For some reason the U.S. has a mannequin fetish - they'd rather humans be more like mannequins or robots than animals.
That said, sometimes I watch television and am amazed at the sleazy stuff on there! Here's the problem - sex is made raunchy in our society, there's a lack of respect. We're ALL to blame for that, not just conservative people.
We need to respect each other and recognize that sex is one of the most beautiful things on earth, not something to be ashamed of. Once that happens, we'll see a sexual renaissance. I believe positive changes are happening as we speak!
Airen Wolf (host): "Americans want everything neatly labeled and filed away for future reference. We are profoundly afraid of the unknown and change, we are also the first to extend a helping hand as well as a well aimed head shot. We have room to grow though, and there is hope for us yet!"
First of all, I'd like to join the chorus and say CONGRATS. Your decision to open up about who you are is absolutely inspiring. I truly see you as a role model. I can only hope that your bravery will inspire greater openness and acceptance for all the kinksters and sex writers out there.
I'm a firmly believe that we are the sum of our experiences--that each moment in our lives and how we react in that moment helps to define who we are as individuals. However, if you had to choose one defining moment (or moments) in your life, what would it be? How did that moment help shape you into the woman you are today?OK since you said "moments" I can list them, right?
I'd like to write a thank you note to every person who has ever "wronged" me, as they helped shape who I am today. Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stranger.
- Getting molested at age 8 or 9
- Baby brother dying at around that same time
- Getting kicked out of the house at 18
- Stripping at 19
- Getting raped at 20
- Getting married at 23
- Giving birth at 27
- Getting divorced at 30
- Exploring swinging with a man I chose (so often we allow men to choose us)
- Having hundreds of lovers
- Getting fired twice for inappropriate behavior
- Finding a partner who accepts me for who I am
- Discovering BDSM
That's off the top of my head.
When you got fired how did you feel? Did you feel insulted or bitter?When I got fired I was devastated. I felt very sad. I did not feel angry or bitter. I felt bad for them and myself - I can't stand needless suffering. They acknowledged I was an intelligent woman and hard worker, but they could hardly look at me once they saw my website. They were disgusted. They did not see the beauty in the truth.
Airen Wolf (host): "If they didn't want to see that side of you why would they look it up? I know it's human nature but it's good to abide the maxim: If you don't want to see the truth, close your eyes!"
Fist let me say what an amazing inspiration and example you have set for others. It is truly touching. Reading your story, you've obviously been through some difficult times already, and I'm sure there will be more challenges to come. My question is, when you have a truly bad day, from where do you draw your strength? Family, faith, conviction of belief? I'd love to hear what empowers you.Without a doubt, my partner is where I draw my strength. I'm an emotional, high strung person. He is rational, logical, patient. Being in his presence soothes my rumpled spirit - he's incredibly strong. I'm like a little stream trickling around a huge boulder. From his deep, reassuring voice to his large, rough hands, he possesses a compassionate healing power. He is warm to my cool, sun to my moon, yang to my yin, an oak to my willow. I respect him deeply - he is an extraordinary man.
Did people begin to treat you any better knowing who you were?I don't understand this question, but I can tell you I get treated in interesting ways by various people. Some people get my mission, and some don't. The ones who don't tend to regard me suspiciously.
Congratulations on coming out - this had to take a lot of courage!
I was wondering if you could share any of your hopes and plans for SEX+STL? What do you envision for its future?We've been looking at Center for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle as a good example for us to follow. Right now we're an online resource, but we're having our next leader meeting this weekend and our first public happy hour Nov 4. We have plans to grow!
A friend of ours just got back from Seattle where he met with CSPC - he's going to open a kink friendly coffee shop in St Louis and we will plan events with him. The coffee shop will be family friendly, but there will be large private meeting rooms where workshops and demos can be held, from book groups to proper flogging techniques.
We want to table at local events and spread the word about sex positivity. I'm one of the four founders, and each of us is passionate about the cause, so the energy is good!
Airen Wolf (host): "OOohhh I do so love me some coffee! Sounds amazing, I'll be looking for the grand opening."
As someone who has been involved with the New York underground adult scene I was wondering if by coming out, you lose some of the mystery that makes your sexuality so exciting to both you and others you encounter. Amongst people I have encountered, it has been said that legitimizing sexuality that is on the "fringes" of society somehow detracts from the excitement of participating in something forbidden.Well, I'm more of a bonobo chimp than a vampire when it comes to sexuality - I'd rather it be out in the sunshine than lurking in the shadows. I'm happy to shed the mystery. I share so much of my sex life online, but there are still plenty of private moments to cherish.
Airen Wolf (host): "It has to be healing for the soul to be re-capitated and finally Kendra instead of TBK in the shadows. Now you truly ARE The Beautiful Kind and we can see that gorgeous smile!"
How did you break from feeling ashamed for your inner pervert and kinkiness and just not give a damn anymore?It was over time. When I was a teenager my mom and my boyfriend at the time would shame me - they'd call me a slut and take their anger out on me. Finally I decided, "if I'm getting called a slut, I might as well have the fun that comes along with it!" so I started sleeping around.
People have tried to shame me my whole life - when I was 20 one of the guys I broke up with spray painted SLUT across my whole car. It was in my 30's that I really sat down and thought what different words mean, and replaced any negative connotations with positive. A slut is someone who is in touch with their sexuality - sounds like something to be proud of to me!
As A mother I'm always concerned that my family may feel the negative affects from whatever lifestyle choices I make for myself... considering some people are so closed minded and judgemental. Do you have any advice for someone who would like to be more open, and maintain a happy household for their children?In an article written about me, the NCSF advised that people with kids under age 18 should not come out. I absolutely understand their reasoning, but I don't think it's right to gag the breeders, you know what I mean?
A lot of people have come out in the past, but not sure how many of them are single moms in the Midwest like myself. I suppose I'm setting a precedent. I hope my daughter and I are treated fairly so that others can learn from our experience and make healthy, progressive choices for themselves.
Raising my daughter in a sex-positive, loving environment, she has never once said, "I hate you," or, "Eww gross!" to people kissing or the thought of people having sex. She is also comfortable with her body, nudity is not shameful. I am very proud of my beautiful, knowing child.
Airen Wolf (host): "I have had some of the same things lobbed at me from people who are sure my kids are somethow damaged by openness about sex. I have to tell them openess doesn't mean in front of them! My kids have three parents who love them and they are very secure in their selves. I, too amd so proud of my girls who dare people to tell them they are ugly so they can lecture them on accepting themselves. Isn't it amazing?"
I have struggled my entire life with the expectations and pressures to be "a good girl." I have always striven to fulfill that expectation and have been viewed as a naive goody-two-shoes -- particularly when I was younger. But inside I felt held back and imprisoned, as though the deep passion I have within me was being smothered.
Have you ever experienced the conundrum of being a "good girl" at odds with her passionate side? Not just in regard to the public facade with which you present yourself at work and at your daughter's school, but in regard to your personal, private identity -- with who you are to YOURSELF when you look in the mirror? If you have experienced this, what tips could you offer which might guide me into to letting go of the self-imposed (and society-imposed) guilt that cripples so many women in truly enjoying and exploring their sensuality?
Congratulations, by the way, on your coming out! I have read some of your articles on SexIs -- and I find all the deliciously sensual possibilities that you have made a reality in your life to be exhilarating and tantalizing. I love your writing style!I have a mother side, and a whore side. I have recently merged those two parts of myself by coming out, so what does that make me? A goddess. I think it's funny that I knit and bake and fist and fuck, but I know when to be responsible and when to indulge in hedonism.
Looking at myself in the mirror has been very surreal lately. I keep seeing all these sexy pics of me in articles featuring me and it makes me want to stay in my comfy clothes! Or get naked, I can't decide.
You should read my ebook The Book of Goddess!
Airen Wolf (host): "Read it and WOW, everyone reading this interview should read your book! It's a truly loving piece of inner wisdom, hard won. I look forward to more!"
First of all, congratulations on coming out! Secondly, could you tell us a bit more about your Topless Women Equality project?Call me crazy, but I think it's unfair that my 300 lb hairy scary partner can legally walk down the street topless, but I can't! My boobs are very small and inoffensive, they've never hurt anybody! In fact they have nurtured and blessed many! I need to figure out my strategy, but I want to challenge this sexist law. I'd love to stage a topless demo in a pretty park this spring, and ultimately change the silly "Female Nipples Are Scary" law.
Airen Wolf (host): "C'mon now you wouldn't want those scary breasts to be all free and uncovered. Why, they might attack a poor unsuspecting guy on his way to work! It would be HORRIBLE, and stuff. I find it amazing that you can show breast flesh and some nipple on tv but you CANNOT show aerola. Boggles the mind."
Hi Kendra! Congrats on your coming out. It's a big step, and an important one, and you should be proud of yourself. It takes real courage to be fully out and you're displaying so much of it. We're definitely proud of you.
My question is about your plans to do seminars and workshops and touches on your book, too. Have you gotten a lot of flak because you base your advice on personal experience rather than formal learning? I know, for me personally, I rather like a more personal touch, advice and workshops based on knowledge gained from living rather than studying books but I know not everyone does. How do you plan to handle any flak you may get in the coming months?I do not have any formal university learning - no degrees, I am not a licensed therapist or counselor. I am self-taught. In addition to reading every book on sex and psychology I can get my hands on, I've also experienced hundreds of partners and countless unique sexual experiences. I am willing to try just about anything. Many sex experts and advice columnists have to refer to specialists with more experience on the subject or discuss it theoretically, whereas I KNOW what geriatric sex is like. I KNOW what a foot job is like.
Our society is pretty rigid when it comes to college degrees equaling credibility, but I think the proof will be in the people I help. Am I full of shit, or do I offer something truly valuable? With my sex consulting, I've had many people tell me they had huge breakthroughs with me in one or two hours that they weren't able to achieve after months of therapy with a licensed professional. That's $150 for two unconventional hours vs thousands of dollars and many traditional hours.
Think outside the cage.
I don't claim to cure people or completely solve their problems, but I do give them tools and insight to help them along their journey towards self-awareness and happiness.
I know this was a MAJOR, LIFE-CHANGING decision for you. Did you come to the decision gradually, since, say, oh...APRIL? Or was there a recent motivator...an "aha!" moment for you?No, in April I was hiding and thinking of taking the site down and going mainstream. In May, I put it back up with precautions.
OK here is where I get sheepish. I wrote about this on my website.
The aha moment for deciding to come out was in July. I went to see an astrologer a friend highly recommended.
I KNOW that sounds silly, I'm a big skeptic and don't believe in that daily horoscope crap, but I was really curious, and I'll try just about everything once. (If you want to read more details you can do a search for "astrologer" on my website).
I met with the astrologer for one hour, he read my natal chart. It was overwhelming. I went home and thought about everything for a few days, and something he said really resonated with me.
He told me I was currently experiencing the most intense 18 months of my life and that I would find relief in Oct. He also told me I had some major Pluto/Sun tension in my chart, and I was letting Pluto the underworld rule my life, and I needed to let the Sun in. I needed to get recognition for my talents, I needed to grow.
This advice and some other stuff he told me CHANGED MY LIFE. It really was an aha moment.
I wanted to make my living off my brain, not my body, and that's hard to do with my head chopped off all the time. I needed to reconnect my brain to my body. It simply had to be done in order to evolve. I couldn't just stagnate in the underworld, can't make enough of a difference there.
Airen Wolf (host): "Astrology has helped many a public figure make some of the best and more powerful decisions of their careers. It is amazing stuff but fits the maxim 'As Above So Below'. There's nothing flaky about seeking professional help, be it a psychologist looking into the microcosm or an astrologer looking at the macrocosm."
What an amazing and courageous thing to do Kendra! I also live in Missouri, infact the home base of Sigel's job is actually in St. Louis. I know this is a terrifying thing to do , but if it's anything like my experiences it's also very liberating.
I know our child safety laws are geared toward keeping children with their parents, inspite of that you do hear the horror stories every now and again. Have you had any nibbles, or outright threats even, in that direction? Do you have any advice for parents who might want to be much more sex positive and open but fear that DFS may step in?
Thanks so much for having the courage to step out of the shadows and be the beautiful woman you are openly, I know how hard that is.I think the fact that I'm a single mom in the Midwest is what makes my Coming Out so unprecedented. No threats of child safety investigations, but I think that will be the biggest issue I'll have to deal with.
Most of my kinky friends are parents. They're doing a lot of the things I'm doing - BDSM, poly, swinging, sex toys, etc. - the difference is they aren't open about it.
I hope I don't get tangled up in something just because I have a great sex life and awesome sex toy collection, but if that should occur, I have nothing to hide and am confident I am a great mom. I'm my daughter's hero. I'm one of the only people she can truly be herself with. My heart swells with pride when I think about our amazing relationship. My daughter is The Beautiful Kind! (she's the one who came up with the name!)
Airen Wolf (host): "I hope you don't get any flak over this as well, hopefully the worst is behind you!"
I was quite impressed with the River Front Times cover story on you (6 pages, damn!), and I just LOVED the photos of you as a kid and a teen. But I have to wonder - was there anything said in the article that upset YOU or made you cringe?
Airen Wolf (host): "What an amazing article!"Damn, Victoria, I could write an essay on this one! You better believe I cringed at some parts of that article! (though the reporter did a very fine and fair job - I've always wanted someone to get behind the scenes of all the crazy sex adventures and present a bigger picture of what I'm all about)
Here are a few parts that made me cringe:
- the part on page 1 where she says I blamed my mother for having to spend my 16th birthday in the mental hospital. It's true, but it made me cringe.
- the pic of me in 3rd grade makes me cringe, but it's so freakin' funny!!!!
- on page 2 my mom is quoted saying I haven't forgiven her for kicking me out of the house. That is not true - I have forgiven her and thanked her for doing that. I talked to her about that in person today.
- the last page quotes me as saying "I'm really hoping there's going to be some rich old pervert or a sponsor or someone who'll come in and support me."
That came across sounding bratty and entitled. What I meant by that was an investor who believed in my mission and saw the value in it, not demanding my allowance from some sugar daddy.
Airen Wolf (host): "Awwww that pic was SWEET!"
I love your hair! I have been growing mine out for years! Do you have any secrets about your hair that you'd like to "come out" about ?I don't do much with my hair - I don't dye it, curl it, put products in it, or cut it. It's just hippie goddess hair. I do like braiding it - I looove braids. Braids reflect light, makes my hair look shiny. I use a Widu wooden bristle brush.
Airen Wolf (host): "I've heard that being a vegitarian can help with the luxurious hair and glowing skin."
In an earlier question you listed important experiences in your life, and you have experienced some intense events. Would you say that your writing is therapeutic for you? How have you dealt with the trauma you've experienced over the years?Writing is definitely therapeutic! You don't need to write online, either. Every morning I write 2 pages by hand in a journal - brain dump all my anxiety, emotions, eagerness, hopes, dreams. It helps clear my head for the rest of the day. I learned that from "The Artist's Way."
Another way I deal with past trauma is through BDSM. For example, my partner will spank me and it will conjure up some random hurt I've had in the past. After the session he'll treat me very lovingly and tenderly and we'll talk about the feelings and memories I experienced. It gives me closure and helps me heal.
Sometimes we'll even roleplay a past negative event (on my own terms, I suggest it) and doing that with someone I love and trust turns it into a positive.
It's so important to recognize past traumas and not bury/deny them. I highly recommend the PBS documentary "This Emotional Life" - I learned SOO much from watching that. Check out the part about PTSD.
If a couple wanted to begin being more open with themselves and their kinks, what's the easiest way to start talking about it? Discussing wants and needs without hurting anybody's feelings?I created a Kinky Checklist, you can contact me via my website and I can email it to you. Both of you fill it out, either together or separately, then compare!
It was a process for me - I filled it out once, set it aside, then went through it again. I went over it a third time a couple days later and had my breakthrough - the first two times I wasn't as honest. When I finally put my deep, dark turn ons down on paper, I was surprised to see a pattern! It was liberating and enabled me to be more open about my desires.
Do you know those little old ladies on public tv who talk about sex? Would you ever consider doing that?Heck yeah! I want to make a living with my brain, not my body! The body won't last forever, but hopefully the brain will keep improving!
Airen Wolf (host): "I know you'd have a few viewers, rabid loyal viewers...EF style!"
I saw your video for SEXIS and I thought you looked so beautiful. Do you feel more confident now that people can see your face and you can hear positive feed back? Are you prepared for the foul mouths out there who might think otherwise?I feel so liberated! It really is wonderful. So far, the positive feedback has been so overwhelming (95%?) that the negative Nancys are being drowned out. I'm not really paying attention to the negative stuff - would rather focus my energy on positive things. SEX POSITIVE!
It feels more REAL now. I truly believe in what I'm doing, so that certainly creates confidence.
Today has been a great day!
What sort of emotions did you have when you were fired? Have you done anything since then to overcome that event?When I got fired I was devastated. I felt very sad. I did not feel angry or bitter. I felt bad for them and myself. It was a bad situation all around.
I was sick for a day or two after getting fired, wounded that first week, tender the first month, but pretty much healed up after that. I don't hang on to bad feelings, I process the feelings, forgive, and move on. Better to focus on the positive than the negative.
Airen Wolf (host): "A good way to handle horrible happenings! You don't want to hang onto the pain and fury it will fester and cause dis-ease in the body."
This picture and the ones in the SexIs story are really quite beautiful. Can you fill us in on what the photo shoot was like? Were you nervous?
Photo shoots are so interesting! The behind the scene details on this one: The photographer is a friend of mine, Stan Strembicki, professor at Wash U. You should google his name and check him out, Stan's the man!
My big 'n hairy partner was on hand to coach me and fix my hair, necklace, etc. We got some HILARIOUS outtakes of him looming in the background in his t-shirt and shorts, adjusting the fabric clinging to my nearly nude body, a blase look on my face. Talk about Beauty and the Beast!
The topless photo of me on this page? http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/sex-and-society/coming-out-day-beautiful-kind-1011101/ I LOVE being naked outdoors, feels so liberating. I was standing on a discarded, broken lion statue, I felt very Roman goddess empowered.
Airen Wolf (host): "I sometimes wonder if a sexy totally human woodland nymph wasn't the inspiration for all those amazing Goddess statues the Greeks and Romans created. There's something intoxicating about the sun and wind on nekkid skin!"
So nice to see your face!
I was having a conversation with a friend in which I was unable to properly articulate the difference between a sex surrogate and a prostitute (particularly where waters are muddied by actual sexual contact that involves the exchange of money for services). Do you think you can break down, in layman’s terms, where paths diverge?
Thanks and I can't wait to read more. =)
CherryPlease share this article I wrote with your friend, it's an intro to sex surrogacy and answers your question: http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/sexual-health/sex-surrogacy-intro-120792/
Congrats on coming out; you really are an inspiration! Your book, "The Book of Goddess," sounds like an awesome read. When/where is it available for purchase? And do you have plans on writing any future books based on your experiences coming out as a sex positive writer?The Book of Goddess is a quick little 40 page ebook. You can download it for free here: www.thebookofgoddess.com
I'm hoping to expand it into a real book someday. I'm delighted to say it has changed lives! You can read one woman's experience after reading it here: http://thebeautifulkind.com/columns/my-first/time-reading-book-goddess
I have so many great experiences and ideas for future books! Just have to make it happen...
Congrats on coming out
My question is about your amazing eBook. What was your experience like while writing it, and what prompted your decision to give it away for free, rather than charge for it?Writing The Book of Goddess was HARD WORK, and it's just a little 40 page ebook! I need to get the hang of time management! I started writing it THREE years ago. It sat around incomplete on my computer. When I got fired in April, that finally gave me the time to finish it. I powered through it in a week. The final draft was a boring Word document, and my awesome WebMaster turned it into something gorgeous. I could not have done it without his help and my partner the taskmaster! I hope they'll get me through the next book project
I offered it for free because it's my intention to expand it into a real book later on. This was a big test for me, and I'm proud I passed with flying colors!
Airen Wolf (host): "It's an amazing read and would be equally amazing expanded into a full fledged hard copy book. I want one for my bookshelf and one to loan out."
Being accidentally outed as a sex worker and subsequently fired for it must have made you feel powerless. Was being able to come out yourself on our own terms about taking back the power?Just to clarify, I got fired for writing about sex online, not for being a sex worker.
So often I've been powerless in life - this wasn't the first time I've been fired for socially inappropriate behavior (read the foreward of my ebook www.thebookofgoddess.com to get the details on that) Plus there are many other times I have been "wronged."
Coming out on my own terms is absolutely about taking back the power. I'm excited about controlling my destiny, this has been very exciting!
PS: I wanted this to happen 2 years ago but looking back I can see I wasn't ready for it. I needed time to ripen. Patience is a good quality to have!
Kendra, it's really nice to be able to put a face with all of your articles. My wife and I are big fans of Showtime's "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" so we have been completely captivated by your Whore Journals. We're curious what you would say was the most important thing you learned -- about yourself or society, or both -- during your time as a sex worker.I've heard that's a good show!
I'd say the most important thing I've learned whoring is that people need human touch in order to remain healthy. Sex/acceptance is as vital as eating/breathing.
Never mind diet, exercise, smoking, stress. The key to happiness and health? Love, acceptance and respect.
Airen Wolf (host): "Agreed!"
i wanted to thank you for coming out!
as a childcare worker i often live a lie. not that i want to talk sex with minors or anything but parents hiring a childcare provider often expect you to be a nun.
i strive to be out in every way possible but i long for the day when people accept that humans are sexual beings.You're talking about one of my MAJOR pet peeves. I'm friends with a lot of teachers, and they are a good example of a profession that is held to an unrealistic standard. I get so mad when I hear about someone getting fired for having a pic of them holding a beer on facebook!
Recently one of my teacher friends got reprimanded for something "inappropriate" she posted on facebook. She's a grown woman, and she got scolded for bullshitting with her adult friends. I can't stand that!
She ended up unfriending all her pervy friends and creating a new secret profile - as her cat - IN ORDER TO BE HERSELF. Does that even make sense?! Our society is warped!
WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS, NOT MANNEQUINS!!!!
Of course she (and me, too!) know how to conduct ourselves around children and people who can't handle the truth. And I know you can, too.
To quote my partner, "If someone wants you to change, they are either scared of who you are, don't trust you or don't respect you."
Hang in there, hellozombie - it will get better.
I love hypocrisy.
When one OUTS, is the goal to do it in the most damaging, or most beneficial way? Who the F6^& cares if this "looks" commercial?
And your "feelings" about how Kendra came out are important in what way?
Hell, reading your post, it appears you are angry that Kendra's coming out didn't help your (or the LGBT) in whatever "agenda" or "cause" you have for yourself.
I'd love to see where she has any obligation to put YOUR cause before her own well being and choices.
I extend my middle finger in the direction of such an attitude, and if the shoe fits, I'd sure enough give you a pair...
I said this.Dear Luck,
I appreciate your opinion on this, it's an interesting topic. I'll have time to answer Red Roulette's question tomorrow.
For now, good night and good dreams,
There's been a bit of a discussion about your 'coming out' outside of the Eden community and Always Laurel suggested, for the sake of communication, that I actually ask you directly about your intentions with 'coming out' and why you chose to do it on NCOD so we're not left making assumptions and judgments about your motivation, which might not reflect the truth. I hope you don't take offense at anything I write - that's not my intention. That being said, I am going to put you on the spot.
There are a certain number of people, myself included, who felt that you 'coming out' as a sex blogger is very, very different from the intention of National Coming Out Day, which is to support Lesbian, Gay, Transexual, Bisexual and Queer people coming out. One of the aims of NCOD is for them to reveal themselves to family, friends and the community - to demonstrate the the LGBT community, who are still demonized in so many parts of the US, are in fact people you know, love, work and interact with on a daily basis. The realization that people just like you are gay and lesbian really challenges the preconceptions of homophobia and help erode that discrimination slowly, but surely.
So forgive me for saying so, but your 'coming out' seems VERY different to that. You're not coming out to friends, family and the like in an understated manner - you're basically running a high profile media campaign. You've appeared in newspapers and radio shows. You even wrote on your blog that you're doing it because "putting my name and face to this site will open up all kinds of new possibilities: workshops, parties, the launching of a local sex positive resource community, events, a radio show, book deals...the list is endless."
It seems, quite frankly, utterly commercial. It's not about fostering communication between LGBT people and the community that represses them. It's not about fighting for equality and civil rights. Quite frankly, I'm not sure what it's about, whichThank you so much for approaching me directly and respectfully about this issue. And thank you, Laurel, for suggesting open and honest communication.
You suggest I am disrespecting the LGBT community by coming out on National Coming Out Day. I am part of the LGBT community, so how am I disrespecting myself by coming out? The B stands for bisexual, right? I am honoring myself and paving the way for others.
Prior to Oct 11, I confided in several of my close friends in the LGBT community about my coming out plans, and not one of them suggested I rethink my strategy. They are honorable people and I believe they feel they can be open and honest with me.
NCOD was created in 1988 - a lot has changed since then, and it's natural for celebrations/causes to evolve over time. Alternative lifestyle acceptance is a logical extension of homosexual acceptance - both are not the norm, and both face persecution and unfair judgment. I was persecuted for my lifestyle - I lost my job for being open and honest about sex. (Incidentally, the day I got fired the top story on my website featured me having sex with a dear female friend of mine. That sounds pretty queer to me!)
Someone suggested a Kinksters Coming Out Day, which is fine by me, but why not build off an already solid concept that teaches tolerance and acceptance? We have to come together and unite if we are going to make real changes in this society, not divide ourselves up in all these separate little boxes. We need to break down barriers and be inclusive. Tearing other people down is counter-productive and a bad use of energy.
My (gay) friend and co-founder of Sex Positive St. Louis, Johnny Murdoc, says that the sex-positive community has a lot to learn from the gay-rights movement: "If you're not out, you're hurting us."
Did you see the documentary "The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill"? If so, remember towards the end when he talks about every soul on this planet being like a drop of water in a waterfall? Every drop falls and becomes part of a river - we are all connected. Why separate ourselves into little cups? I'd much rather be part of a flowing river. So much more powerful to move forward, we can't sit still and expect change. That metaphor is also a good reminder that we need to respect others - if we disrespect others, we are disrespecting ourselves.
Yes I came out for myself and I hope it turns out to be a successful venture. I intend to succeed, because the more stable and healthy I am, the more I can help others succeed on their own path to a healthy, happy life, such as my close family member who is transgender. I am absolutely doing this for her and my daughter and all those kids out there who are facing potential stigma. If I make a good example of myself and take some of the lumps for them as a 38 year old confident woman, it will make things easier for them as they navigate the more vulnerable stages of development.
We have to start somewhere, and we need a wide platform if we're going to make a difference. There's plenty of room for all of us!
Gay, straight, kinky, vanilla - it's all sex positive to me.
Dammit - it cut off my question.
To wrap up - I don't mean to be offensive, or to sound accusatory, but on NCOD I'm reminded of my gay and lesbian friends who went through hell and heartache to come out to friends and family - and risk rejection and ridicule - in order to help foster the idea that the LGBT community is just like them.
To me, your high profile 'coming out' seems the opposite of that - and to diminish from their low-profile sacrifices and surrenders. You've got newspaper articles and radio shows talking about you - some of my gay and lesbian friends have fathers and siblings who won't speak to them any more.
I'm not alone in feeling this way, so I'd love to know how you feel about the way we'd feel and how it makes you feel in return.See my response above. And please spread the sex positive word! It's ALL GOOD.
How/why did you decide to become a counselor? Was it a natural progression from sex writer to counselor, or was there a clear point in time where you decided you wanted to help others? Did people start coming to you for advice, or did you actively seek out people who needed help? Additionally, what does it really feel like to be able to take your experiences (both the good and the bad) and use them to help others (and promote a more sex-positive culture!)?Just to clarify, I do counsel people on sex/relationship issues, but I am not a licensed counselor or therapist.
I started out as a sex blogger bragging about my sex life, and as people saw my huge scope of experiences, they started contacting me for advice. I was happy to help them, and started my "Ask the Slut" column.
The blog evolved into a website that is a sex positive community, a safe haven for perverts. It has a great vibe, sometimes the comments are better than my posts! My readers are SMART and open-minded.
I can feel their love. I hope they can feel mine shine through all the crazy sexcapades!
It feels amazing, rewarding, and empowering to be able to make a difference and turn the negative things that have happened to me into a positive!
Airen Wolf (host): "I imagine it's like having a wiser, possibly older sister to ask all those embarassing questions. You know she isn't going to hurt you or give you terrible advice. I imagine it feels doubly good knowing you are helping someone avoid some heartache you wish someone had advised you against."
You mention that your family is very supportive in this, do you have any supporters that need your support in return that you may at first hesitate about?I don't quite understand your question, but I can tell you I want to support/help as many people as I can. I have about 200 emails in my inbox from people asking me for help - they are all suffering in some way. I try to answer every legit email I receive, but sometimes it takes me a month or two! This is all volunteer work, by the way. There's only so much I can do via one email response - more can be done in the one hour consultations I offer in person or via skype, phone, chat.
Over the many years you had this secret blog, there must have been times where you wish you could openly talk about it, now that it has happened, is it how you imagined?I'm still figuring that out - it still feels surreal! It feels extremely liberating for sure. I plan on doing a podcast with my friends on Life on the Swingset (http://www.lifeontheswingset.com/category/podcast/) next month about what it's been like to Come Out. My experience will be invaluable info for others who are hoping to Come Out someday.
Congrats on comming out!
What do you hope to teach others by writing about your life now? Do you see yourself as a role model to those who still have to hide what they are?I know thousands of people will be watching how my story plays out - if things go well for me, it will encourage others to follow suit. If I run into challenges, it will likely keep them in the closet.
I am a guinea pig social experiment!
Airen Wolf (host): "Or it might help them avoid some pitfalls of coming out watching the trials and tribulations you have. Let's hope it won't keep them locked in a closet, that's no way to live."
Your work has received so much attention in recent months, especially with your firing (dooce-ing!) and now, your coming out. How do you anticipate working in public, under your real name, as affecting your work in a positive or negative way?Putting my name and face to my work will further legitimize what I do - being able to look me in the eyes and see my warm smile will make a big positive difference.
Why listen to a headless woman who tells you "be open and honest!"
I think some people have held back because of that missing piece. Now I'll have so many more options for opportunities beyond my website - book deals, video, workshops.
Coming Out gives me credibility.
I don't see any negatives work wise - it's my personal life that's going to take some lumps. It's already happening, but I think it will all work out for the best.
Have you ever had sex with someone who creeped you out during sex?YES. Choosing to escort will do that to you, but for the most part the men I've been with have been wonderful human beings.
There was this one young guy I got with one time (met him through my website) I had sex with, and I could tell he learned his moves from watching porn. I kept trying to steer the encounter in a sensual direction, but he wouldn't have it. The oddest part was how he referred to me in the third person - WHILE WE WERE HAVING SEX.
He kept saying stuff like, "She likes that, doesn't she? Oh, yes she does!"
I kept looking around to see who he was talking about, ha!
And, no, I didn't like that, actually.
Airen Wolf (host): "Sounds very creepy. Makes you look to see if he has a shiny ring on his finger, gollum..."
You said that you were self taught, have you ever considered going through any official education just to put the degree up on your wall?I LOVE learning. If I had the time & money, I would definitely take some classes. We'll see how this next chapter of my life goes.
What does TBK mean?TBK stands for "The Beautiful Kind", which is the name of my website. TBK is the alias I've gone by.
My daughter came up with the name when she was 5 or so. We were driving along one day and she asked me, "What kind of people are we, Mommy?"
I said, "I don't know, let me think about it."
She exclaimed, "I know! We are The Beautiful Kind!"
I smiled and said, "Yes. We sure are."
Airen Wolf (host): "What a lovely memory!"
Do you have any advice for coming up with a pen name?Personalize it. Think about who you would like to be, where you have been and where you want to go. It's smart to have a name that sounds real - I didn't think of that when I started going by TBK. Going by, say, Elisabeth Maguire, might have made more sense, it's easier for people to latch onto.
If a guy likes anal sex, in your opinion, does that mean anything about his sexuality ?In my opinion, it means he is kinky.
It does not indicate if he is gay, bi, straight or pansexual, regardless of whether he is giving or receiving it.
Airen Wolf (host): "There are so many nerves and erogenous zones in the anal area that it simply means he likes the sensations! Both my guys are totally hetero but one LOVES anal stimulation while the other finds it to be too intense."
Have you considered moving to a more liberal area where people such as yourself aren't as shocking?A lot of my school friends moved away from St. Louis. The ones in San Francisco keep beckoning me: "Come West, Kendra, this is where you belong!"
Tempting, but I need to stay in St. Louis until my daughter goes to college in 8 years. Besides, the Midwest needs more people like me!
I love St Louis, it keeps getting better and better. I'm very excited for all that we have going on - www.sexstl.com is just the beginning!
As a mother and sex blogger, I wonder how you prepared your child for the possibilities of things she might hear. Obviously, she's still fairly young, so I'm sure much of what you told her was limited, but how honest have you been with her?
Has she had to face any backlash from your decision?The fact that I'm a single mom in the Midwest makes my Coming Out especially noteworthy.
She's known about my secret identity all along and was very supportive of my decision to come out. I warned her that some people would be uncomfortable with it and she couldn't understand why. "You're not doing anything wrong, you're helping people!"
I told her she might get teased and to think of responses in case that happened. For instance, if someone said to her, "I saw your mom naked!" she could reply, "So? I've seen her naked, too." Or, "So? She's a model." Or, "So? It's art." I told her they would be trying to shame her but there's nothing to be ashamed of, so she just needs to let them know that.
That's as far as I went with it, I didn't get into worst case scenarios, no sense in planting seeds like that.
This first week she has been completely unaffected by the change. As long as other people continue to respect her privacy and feelings, we should be fine.
Airen Wolf (host): "Keeping her identity shielded should help in that matter, most people won't put two and two together. She's a happy, well adjusted child who loves her mother. That should be enough for anyone."
Hello Kendra!! I wanted to know, as a very sexual person myself, and also a mother of 2, how do you get around your personal life while maintining a relationship with your children that is healthy? I wanted to know so I could do the same, thanks so much for your response in advance!!I'm raising my daughter in a sex-positive environment. She thinks sex is a natural and playful thing adults do. She's never said "Ewww" when seeing someone kissing in a movie, etc. She has never said, "I hate you." She is extremely compassionate and loving. She is a romantic. She knows it's ok to be gay or "different."
She's comfortable in her own skin and doesn't suffer from body image issues. She draws comic characters like crazy, and some of them will have disabilities. She embraces diversity.
She's looking forward to having her period someday.
She knows about my sex toys and what they are for and it's not a big deal. They're like an art collection. In fact, she's glad to know grown ups have toys.
I gave her the Mango Talk recently, it went really well: http://thebeautifulkind.com/columns/tbk-saga/mango-talk
We have an open and honest policy, and she's told me how much she appreciates it. She said other grown ups hide too much from her and get squirmy and change the subject when talking about sensitive subjects like sex and death, and she doesn't understand why. She says, "What are they afraid of? Why avoid it? It's part of life."
With the mention of your molestation in the River Front Times and you listing your moments of stripping and being raped in a previous answer, I can't help but think that these would be used to further stereotype sex positive people to be victims of child molestation and sexual abuse.
What is your opinion on this stereotyping and what should/can be done to break it?I think if people stop molesting and raping other people, that will put an end to the stereotyping.
I haven't heard the stereotype that sex positive people tend to be sexual abuse survivors, but I have heard that about sex workers/strippers/porn stars, etc. and I think it tends to be true? http://www.shelleylubben.com/articles/pornstarsandsexabuse.pdf
It certainly is the case for me. When a person becomes exposed to sex prematurely they can become hypersexual - it did mess me up but I was able to work through it and overcome it. In fact, I feel that I took those negative experiences that happened to me and turned them into a positive by helping other people work through their issues. That's such a healthier way to process the trauma than to get addicted to drugs or become disgusted by sex, so I'm proud of myself for going that route.
As a woman who's been a sex worker, do you have anything to say to people who say the business is inherently exploitive?When I was a stripper I was 19 and not emotionally prepared for all that was involved, so it was the worst year of my life. I hated myself. Yes I drove myself there every day, but I had to pay the club to work there and they fined us for every inor infraction and were pretty harsh and required everyone wear certain heel height and tan. I let people take advantage of me, but to my credit I never drank or did drugs during that time even though I was offered many opportunities. I thought men were the enemy and resented being naked and hobbled as they sat there with the cash and a smug look on their face. The place reeked of sadness and disrespect.
When I escorted 15 years later, I was emotionally mature and did it on my own terms. I was my own boss, I chose who I spent time with and what I wore. It was TOTALLY different. I truly enjoyed it. The men were wonderful and loving for the most part. We operated under mutual respect. I was paid well.
The difference? If someone is doing things on their own terms, then they are not being exploited. They are being empowered. Mutual respect is key. It took me years to learn how to be assertive and stand up for myself. I had to learn to love myself again. I took ownership of my sexuality. I'm confident my daughter will learn all this before she becomes sexual with someone when she is older, which will save her a lot of heartache.
In all of the realms of sex work you have been involved in (from escorting to writing and anything in between), can you identify what has been your best and most fulfilling experience? What about your worst and most damaging? Was there ever a time when you were concerned that the negative consequences of a chosen career in the sex industry might outweigh the benefits?I hated stripping, it was the worst year of my life. I just answered a question where I went into detail stating why, I hope it shows up right above this one.
On the other hand, I love escorting. I love being a whore goddess, I truly love it. I love escaping in that world of pleasure for an hour with someone, being their little oasis, music, candles, seduction, human touch, putting all the daily shit I had to do on hold and just focus on them. And they worshiped me in return.
They paid me to sip from my cup of feminine energy. They needed that in order to balance themselves. It is a valuable gift, so they honored me appropriately.
There's a lot of beauty in that level of intimacy.
Of course I had to worry about disease, arrest, and running into the wrong guy, so it was a relief not to have to worry about that anymore. Since I am not monogamous I still get tested every season. It's very important to be responsible, it's respectful to your partners.
After being fired and the very public exposure that gave you, as well as your subsequent stepping out of the closet... any regrets?I have plenty of regrets in life - that tends to be the case if you are TOO interesting and have loved many times - but none as far as things that have gone down regarding getting fired and coming out. Those things allowed me to evolve. I'm experiencing some major life changing personal growth. It's painful and scary, but will lead to where I need to be in order to be happy and at peace. This is what I was put on this earth to do. I felt in limbo for so long. This revelation came to me this year, and it's a relief to KNOW my purpose.
Congratulations on your coming out! I have not yet had the courage to do so and am inspired by your courage.
Do you have any general advice for those of starting up our own blogs? How do you keep finding new things to write about, and how do you generate an audience?Pick a topic you're passionate about. Don't follow fads. If you want to build an audience, post at least 3 or 4 times a week for years. You have to be consistent and committed. So many people start a blog and are wishy washy about it until they lose interest after a few months. You have to be patient, it takes months to establish yourself and gain credibility. My website evolved slowly.
In order to succeed, you have to work hard, have talent and know the right people. Create a fb fan page and get on twitter and promote your posts and network with other people in the same field. Write guest posts for other site, network, collaborate. This will keep topic ideas flowing. I never run out of things to write about because people email me questions, porn clips, material to consider all the time.
What a GREAT forum! What was it like the first time being with a women or even still being with them that is so exciting and how is it "different" than being with a man? My ex girlfriend always wanted to be with another woman just to share her feelings and to see how a woman would treat her! Men of course would like to know! Thanks!My first lesbian experience was when I was 10. I didn't sleep with men until I was 16.
Everyone is different, but what I love about being with women is how soft and mysterious they are. The kisses are gentle, I love how smooth their faces are. The intimacy is different. I notice more eye contact with women. Every woman I am with is so different than me when it comes to how she likes being touched and stimulated. It takes patience, exploring slowly as you unlock her secrets.
You've talked about bringing St. Louis and the Midwest up to par with the East and West Coasts when it comes to dealing with and expressing sexuality. What do you think that's going to take (and I mean more than just what we can accomplish with SEX+STL), and what do see standing in our way?A lot of changes needs to take place in order for us to bring the Midwest up to par with the East and West coasts. Fear of change is what stands in our way.
I notice most people are afraid of change, not just conservatives. They're afraid to rock the boat - so what if it tips over? Take swimming lessons. Get a snorkle. Grow some gills. Refuse to drown.
Accept that things might get worse before they get better. People are too afraid of that "gets temporarily worse" bit to take control of their happiness, so they stagnate and settle for unhappy.
More people need to come out and be proud of who they are.
Another big issue that needs addressing is recognizing that women are just as sexual as men. Women are repressed to a crippling degree in our society and that needs to change if we want to move forward. It's astonishing how many obstacles are stacked against women in order to keep them from realizing their full potential - high heels, cosmetics, artificial hormones, slut-shaming, children --- for instance, I was told to remain in hiding for the sake of my daughter. Totally valid concern, but I took necessary precautions in order to push past that limitation. Someone had to do it so that others can enjoy the same freedom. Otherwise we'll remain lurking in the shadows sighing, "I wish I could come out, but..."
We need to hit the reset button on a lot of things so we can come out in the sunshine.
Airen Wolf (host): "How can seeing you living in the shadows, hiding your Goddesshood help your daughter learn to embrace hers? How can you teach her not to be ashamed while you are hiding from the shaming of others? She loves, respects and admires you as The Beautiful Kind she can't help but be helped by your willingness to endure the slings and arrows FOR her. For goodess sake it's her you are fighting for!"
How is your community dealing with this? Do you think it might be this way right now, but people will forget about it or that they will just not be as shocked?My community is pretty shocked right now. The first two days there was stunned silence, then people started responding. The reactions have been across the board - I've heard from many people who are relieved this is happening and want to be a part of it. I've heard from so many people in my past. A lot of people are uncomfortable because my coming out signals change ahead, and they want things to stay the same.
It will continue to sink in, and I'm sure next week a new story will take the limelight.
Have you thought of how your past partners/flings/clients would react if they came across your newspaper article? I know that you've helped a lot of men with your being with them but wouldn't your coming out might have some adverse effect on your Goddess healing?It's completely mind blowing to imagine what's going through the mind of each person I've been intimate with as they discover the article. Are they proud? Paranoid? Disgusted? Jealous? Turned on?
The responses of the ones who have contacted me have run the gamut. Most tell me to be careful.
I think my Coming Out will help more people in the long run. I think it was the right thing to do.
You could say that I have an alter ego. In my "real life," everyone knows me as Jess, the sweet but slightly perverted "girl next door." Online, I'm Jesibel420- an amateur fetish model trying to make a living. There have been so many times that I've felt like I was living a double life, and even times when I almost slipped and mentioned something about my alter ego to someone in my "real life." Did you find that you had a hard time holding back in your real life before you came out? It must have been a huge sense of relief for you not to have to keep your lives separate anymore. And of course, congratulations!It IS a huge relief! It feels liberating!
I had to be paranoid and careful before. I used to google my name to make sure it wasn't connected to my website, now I want it to be! I used to panic when I saw the name Kendra associated with my online alias, there were many times when I had to contact a friend asking them to delete a comment (an unintentional slip, not an attempt to out me)
Now I can relax and not worry about being outed. I'm glad I got to do it on my own terms! I'm still getting used to it.
On of my biggest concerns with doing my review blog is people I know finding it. I'm the quiet shy type, except in my own bedroom or with people I trust very much. I have only told one of my friends I actually know well in person (I'm a gamer so I have a lot of online friends who support me) and she's very anti-sex and called herself asexual so I can't really share anything with her, she just knows I do it. I also worry, as I am single and attempting (but failing) to date, that a guy will find out and freak out and disappear. So I suppose my question is how would you suggest handling this? I know I should not care what others think and do my own thing, but I still feel the need to be accepted and I struggle enough already with making friends and dating.I don't know where you live, how old you are, details on your situation, but if you are attempting to date and are failing, why not try a different approach?
Why not put it out there that you review sex toys?
My website has made it reallllly easy to meet like-minded people. I have more date offers than I can handle. Men like a woman who is in touch with her sexuality, and if he doesn't, that's his problem.
Your review blog is part of who you are - don't you want the people you are close to to accept you for who you are?
I'm worried my answer sounds too flippant, but what I'm trying to suggest is that you change your mindset. You don't need to be ashamed of your review blog, you don't have to hide it. It can be used as a tool to facilitate making friends and dates.
You could experiment and create a dating profile that lists your review blog right on it, that way guys know from the get go about it and you don't have to break the news to them on the 2nd date.
Or you could meet someone new, email them the review blog url and ask, "What do you think of this site?"
If they say "gross" then cross them off your list.
If they say, "wow that's wild" or "I like my fleshlight" or "my friend has a site like that" or "I'm curious!" then you can tell them, "That is my blog."
Chances are it will be excellent conversation fodder and they will be impressed. That's what I did early on. My website was a test - if people handled it well, they passed the test.
YOU are in charge. You are not at the mercy of their approval. Your review blog is an asset, not a liability. You are educating others - I'll bet your blog has made more than one person happier and more sexually satisfied. You should be proud of yourself!
Until recently, my 'number' was very very low. It was three as of last October to be exact. That's only 3 guys in the 4 years I had been having sex. Since then it's jumped to 8 and it's been something that I've thought about a lot. If I should be doing this. There are a few I wish I wouldn't have slept with, but sometimes I feel like I can't help myself. The killer for me, is when I have sex with someone on the first date. I guess I feel like after that, there's no reason for the guy to keep coming back to you. Is this something you worry about? How do you handle it? Having sex is good fun, but I do still want a long term emotional relationship and I especially feel pressured to do that when all my friends are getting engaged and married.You are holding back and not giving yourself enough credit.
It's perfectly ok to live and explore, as long as you do it safely and respectfully.
If you punched a guy on the first date, I could see him not wanting to come back. But sex is a GOOD thing, if he had a good time, why wouldn't he want to do it again?
You hold the keys to the kingdom, my dear, and you don't even realize it.
You really need to read www.thebookofgoddess.com
I wrote that ebook for YOU!
I think your activism is incredibly inspiring, but my question is, have you had any sexual experiences that, while not negative, were just downright silly? If so what were they?I have had a lot of silly sexual experiences. That's because I will try something once or twice even if it doesn't turn me on. I'm curious - will I like it after all? Will I have fun?
One time I walked in the dirt barefoot so a guy on a leash could lick my feet clean.
One time I forced a guy in a pink nightie and handcuffs to do something..... humiliating.
One time I burped for a guy during sex because it turned him on.
One time I gave a guy a foot job.
One time I stood naked in front of a roomful of people so someone could write on me with markers and use me like a dry erase board. It was supposed to be a humiliating experience. He wrote "possum belly queen" on my stomach and "slut" on my forehead. He was supposed to be this bigtime sadist but he was actually very awkward.
All those things were pretty silly.
First off, Congrats.
You mentioned your daughter is still rather young. It must have been a bit for her to take in. With the media uproar, were they respectful of her privacy?So far they have been respectful of her privacy and she has been unaffected by me going public. She had a happy week, we had a private celebration. She is proud of me - she knows I am doing this in order to help more people.
The first week has been fine, we'll see it continues to unfold.
Do you worry that your public sexposure will have a negative effect on your children as they grow up? Has it had an effect on them, already? I assume you're raising them in a sex-positive home but has there been any backlash from others in the community towards them (educators, for example)?My daughter is most important to me. Raising her in a sex-positive environment has had a positive effect on her. Her school is small and they are protective of her, so she's been in a safe place all week. No one has been disrespectful to her as of yet.
Her school teaches the following: Before you say something to someone, ask yourself - is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
I'm going to start by jumping on the train and saying "Congrats on coming out!" It took a lot of courage to do so, and because you did It made you a Very strong woman.
I was wondering what do you draw on for inspiration while writing your sex stories? I have wrote a few short stories ( I'm not very good lol, but it's ok). What kind of tips would you sugest for some one thinking of becoming a sex story writer?I don't write erotica, only true stories, so I draw on my sex life for inspiration. I love reliving an experience by writing about it! A good writer makes a reader FEEL, as if they are there, so keep all the senses in mind as you write - what do you want your reader to see. hear. smell. taste. feel? Also, don't just recite play-by-play, add depth and character. That's what I do with my sex toy reviews - I don't just list the specs, I give it a twist and get inside my head.
You might want to check Violet Blue's website for sex story writing tips.
First off, congrats on your decision! That took quite a bit of guts and I'm positive things will only get better for you.
My question: Looking at some of the comments on the Riverfront Times story, I can't believe there are those out there who disapprove of you and your decision, and that's putting it mildly. Personally, I'd say many of them are coming from what I (and many others) would call Internet Tough Guys (TM). But how do you handle such comments and ignorance? I doubt it can't be easy.I've developed a thick skin over the years.
Years ago when someone posted a mean comment, it would sting and stay with me all day. Over time, that changed to all morning. Then an hour. Now I can read a mean comment and process it out of my system in just a couple minutes.
That's because I've learned not to take it personally. They are stating an opinion about something they know little about. They don't know me. They might have had a bad day. Maybe I didn't have sex with them and they're bitter. They may be feeling threatened or uncomfortable and it's a defense mechanism. They may not have learned how to think positively. Honestly, I feel bad for them. They are announcing to the world that they are unhappy.
You can't please everyone. I don't have time to dwell on negative stuff, I need to devote my energy on positive things.
While I don't like people saying hateful things about me, every time they do it builds my character & makes me a stronger person.
Now that you can show your face, have you considered vlogging in addition to your blog?Definitely. Working out the details, might be doing it here on EF!
As a sex writer, you must receive odd questions. What is that one question that someone asked you and you just couldn't stop laughing at?The first one that comes to mind is the guy who wrote me asking if it was harmful to put Ben-Gay on his balls because he liked the tingling sensation. I suggested he try figging next.
Kendra! I am so excited this time has finally arrived for you!
As you already know, I am one of those single mothers who has to protect her privacy for fear of the negative impact on her own life as well as the life of her child and so, I fully appreciate how big an impact this step can and will have upon your life. And I thank you for doing it—because it's one more person out there, fighting against ignorance and intolerance.
But on to more personal, less political stuff. I know you are in a poly relationship with your primary partner—do you ever experience jealousy? Does he? How do you handle it?
I'm glad to say I've addressed the single mom issue a lot in previous questions, as it's the issue most everyone is concerned about.
We both experience jealousy from time to time - it depends on the situation. We handle it by discussing it openly and honestly. We learn from every experience. Our relationship runs on mutual respect.
This is my most revealing post on jealousy: http://thebeautifulkind.com/columns/tbk-saga/my-jealous-freakout
Airen Wolf (host): "Jealousy and time management seem to the the biggest bug-a-boo in any relationship. Great article!"
Thank you very much for your answer to my previous question. I am definitely going to look into your e-book, The Book of Goddess. The idea of permitting one's self to be a well-rounded, sensual goddess is enormously appealing to me!
I appreciate how you seek to empower people. Speaking of empowerment, sex workers are in constant danger of being abused. What do you do to ensure your safety in meeting with clients? Have you had any frightening experiences where your physical (and/or your emotional and mental) safety were compromised? I am certain, sadly enough, that you have had to deal with stalkers and people who are emotionally unstable (and potentially dangerous) . . . Finally, in this vein, what tips can you offer other women to help them joyfully explore their sexuality in the dating world as safely as possible?
Thank you again for your sincere and thoughtful answers!Most sex workers have a screening process. They ask for references and personal information.
I always met clients in a public setting for drinks the first time. I spent an hour getting to know them. If we hit it off, I'd meet with them in a more intimate setting the next time. I had a page of guidelines for them to review with my rules. I checked in with a close friend as soon as the session was over. I've never had an experience where my safety was compromised.
Safety tips for dating: YOU do the choosing. So many women let men choose them. Do things on your own terms. Be assertive. Be confident. Take ownership. Listen to your gut. Notice how I'm telling you this kind of stuff instead of the more common sense safety tips. You need to address this deeper stuff first, so you have a strong foundation to build off of. If you give off a weak or unsure vibe, it might give someone the signal that they can take advantage of you.
Congrats for coming out! I know that this will give others lots of courage to come out sooner or later (it sure gave me a boost )
How are your "regulars" taking your coming out? How about your partners? Did your coming out change the dynamics of your sexual relationships? How are these changes affecting you?My regulars are amazed and happy for me. Many were moved to tears. They support my decision.
My partner, lovers and loved ones have been incredibly supportive.
Surely there will be some changes in relationship dynamics now that I'm a public figure, but at this point it's too soon to tell. We'll continue to be open and honest with each other.
I hope things go well for me so others can learn from my experience and follow suit!
I know I've already gotten to ask you some questions but that was last week, for the video.
I'm curious about the kind of counseling you do. My partner has been reading your site and asked me if you're "a sex worker or a sex therapist?" I answered: "Perhaps in some ways she's a mixture of both!" How do you approach counseling people and what sorts of problems do you think you are especially helpful at solving?Just to clarify, I am not a licensed therapist or counselor, so I call myself a consultant.
Right now I'm focusing on helping people with their sex/relationship issues. Some really common problems I address are: mismatched libidos, not getting laid, shameful secrets, struggles with monogamy.
The consultation is one hour long, via skype, phone, or in person if they're in St. Louis. I don't have a set approach - freestyle, I gather background, sexual history, interests and whatever is bothering them. Then I talk through and explore things, introducing new ways of approaching the situation. At the end of the session I offer resources, book suggestions, websites - I have an extensive network and knowledge base. I also refer to my vast personal experience. Sex is my focus, but it's connected to so many other aspects of our life.
I love watching the person transform - they come in with a cloud over their head, anxious, shoulders tense. Once we start connecting, they quickly relax and open up. By the end of the session they leave a different person, walking on sunshine. I love sharing my positive energy.
I don't claim to solve problems or cure people, but I definitely introduce new concepts and tools that will help them on the right path to happiness.
First off, I want to say congratulations and way to go, you have been my inspiration for a while, and I've always wanted to ask - did you ever think that the direction your life and sexuality has taken would happen? As in, at what age did you really start becoming who you are now, or was it always a development all along? I only recently have come out about a few things, but I've only really been discovering my sexuality since about 19. Just curious if you have any pointers for people out there that are afraid of judgement for similar experiences.I think I finally figured out what I wanted to be when I grow up about a year ago. I'm 38.
I've had a very unconventional life with many challenges. I wandered pretty aimlessly, always wondering, "If I try this, will that work?" I used to stress about not fitting into society, not knowing my place, being in limbo.
Now I know my mission, why I am here, how I can make a difference. It was such a relief. Now I just need to figure out how to make it work! Hashing out all those details now.
I think now that I've come out I can work on self-actualizing. I was stuck, now I am free.
My advice for others who feel like they don't fit in to society: Be patient, don't give up, believe in yourself, trust that you have a purpose even if you haven't figured out what it is yet. Try all kinds of things and see what works for you. And if you want to succeed, you must work hard.
Also, realize that if something "bad" happens to you, it's often a blessing in disguise.
Airen Wolf (host): "It can be so hard to see the blessing while you are still reeling from the bad stuff, some good advice here though. Sometimes it takes a bit for 'society' to see the good in it's misfits. Sometimes you just have to hang in long enough to be 'cool'."
Going off of another question, whether you like sex toys, if you do, would you consider writing reviews for Eden?
Airen Wolf (host): "Kendra already writes reviews for EF under the screen name TBK (The Beautiful Kind). They are amazing reviews, you should check them out!"I write a lot of reviews for Eden - wrote one just last week! I think you can find them by clicking on my profile.
Do you use sex toys? If so, what kind is your favorite? What's your favorite all time toy?I love sex toys. I love glass, wood, ceramic, steel... beautiful goddess toys.
My all-time favorite toy is Hitachi Magic Wand. I use it twice a day!
Here's a fun question, who (or what) gave you your best orgasm(s)?My current partner. We have such great chemistry and are so open-minded that we often enjoy pushing beyond the parameters of regular sexuality.It's easy for me to have a clitoral orgasm, but we've explored other ways as well - anal, via intercourse, via nipple stimulation, via words - one he got me off via instant messenger! It's like being hypnotized.
Sometimes I orgasm as I please him orally - I get so into the sensations. It feels like there's an electric wire connecting my crotch to wherever the source of sexual pleasure is coming from. - my mouth, or nipples, or brain.
My favorite orgasm with him is when we do a tantra-like exercise and he coaches me through extending my orgasm beyond the usual 10-20 seconds. One time I had an orgasm for 10 minutes, which is incredible for me, but I know experienced tantra couples can orgasm for an hour and make love for 20! PHEW!
Airen Wolf (host): "I can't imagine 20 hours of lovemaking! It sounds fabulous but I would have to FIND 20 hours...I would love to experience a rise in Kundalini though."
How do you deal with writers block?I get writer's block when I'm trying to start a post off perfectly and can't come up with the right words. So I make myself start writing some part of it. Once I get enough down, I can see how to fill in the blanks and polish it up. Starting a post off with action helps.
If I spend so much time on a post that it starts to get blurry, I take a break from it and come back when my eyes and brain have cleared up.
You mentioned that a lot of people want your help, have you thought of hiring some people like yourself so that many people can help all those who are seeking help?I have very little money right now. When I am financially comfortable, I have a few people in mind that I would like to hire to work for TBK in various ways. We would make an amazing team and it would enable us to help more people! That is my goal.
Do you have a plan of action if your location turns out not working with your coming out?I'm not relocating, so they are stuck with me. This first week went just fine.
When it comes to sex toys, are the more expensive ones always better? I'm really tight on cash and it's hard for me to pick what to buy.As a rule of thumb, you get what you pay for, but that's why the reviews posted are so helpful. There are some less expensive toys that are great as well as some more expensive toys that are disappointing.
Poor people tend to stick with toys under $20, but I suggest you push that limit to $30 - that seems good middle ground between the cheap toys and the better made toys.
Airen Wolf (host): "Since most people buy in the $25- $30 range it seems to me that some of the better made toys are in that price bracket. Volume sales are important to companies and one $30 toy can last well beyond paying for itself with proper care. That's one of the real strengths of EF is that along with a recommendation you get solid care and maintenance information. You also get to see the products and some rather spectacular discreet packaging."
You said you had sex with hundreds of men, do you have any precautionarys when women have sex with men like that?I don't quite understand the wording of your question, but here's my stab at it.
I use condoms and lube.
Sometimes I engage in lower risk activities like mutual masturbation.
I choose my partners carefully - intelligent geeks over reckless playas.It's very unlikely I'll get with someone who has unprotected sex with a bunch of people, as my partners tend to be conscientious, responsible, health conscious and balanced.
I also get tested every season.
Airen Wolf (host): "Always a good idea regardless of the partners you have, if you have sex you should be tested at least twice a year. More if you know you are engaging in risky behavior, and you shouldn't be made to feel ashamed for taking care of your health either. Or for engaging in risky behavior..."
Have you ever lived in a nude society or ever considered it?I haven't lived in a nude society but would love to visit one - I love being naked, as long as I'm warm!
Have you lost any friends due to the publicity you've received? Has that surprised you?I have been surprised by a few reactions to my publicity. For instance, I have a friend who is just like me, a total slut, except she is unhappily married to a man who won't let her wear a swimsuit.
When she saw me on the cover of the newspaper, she denounced me as an "attention whore" and unfriended me on facebook. The truth is, SHE wishes she could be naked on the cover of a magazine. But she has locked herself away in a cage, and is taking her frustration out on me.
Airen Wolf (host): "Sometimes you just have to love them where they are and hope they find the keys to their cages."
If your daughter wanted to follow in your footsteps, how would you feel about it?I love and accept my daughter for who she is no matter what. I am proud of who I am. The difference between us: I would rather her live life more on her terms and not learn things the hard way like I did. I also want her to have the full college experience.
Have you heard of Susie Bright? She raised her daughter in a sex-positive environment, and when her daughter became an adult, they had a mother/daughter sex column! I think that's really cool.
Did you ever screen your clients by their looks?
And describe (physical appearance and personality wise) your ideal guy that would get you sopping wet INSTANTLY when you see/meet him. )No, looks were irrelevant. No matter how "ugly" a man was, I always looked for the beauty in them - their kind spirit, their blue eyes, their open smile...
Ideal guy: a hairy guy who's into Daddy/daughter roleplaying, or rough sex combined with good chemistry.
Is it possible to be a Escort with out having sexual intercourse?Sure - technically an escort is being paid for her time and companionship, which may mean going on a dinner date, holding hands, talking... it's up to the two consenting adults on how they want to spend their time together.
Airen Wolf (host): "Sort of like being paid for the girlfriend experience, all the benefits without the trouble! my husband and life-partner both say it would be great to have dinner with a beautiful woman, to see and be seen as it were. I think there'd be a lot less 'cheating' if this were considered moral. My husband has said that more than once what he misses when we are apart is just someone to listen, he'd be willing to pay for that."
I'm going with non-coming-out related questions. LOL
What's the first thing that would come out of your mouth if you walk in on your daughter having sex with a guy (let's say she's 15 then)? would it be different if she was going at it with a girl?"Oops!"
No different if it's male or female.
I know she will be taught about safer sex, phew!
I just read your Mango story, its so sweet and so ... well explained for a girl her age. Also that was some fast thinking of your part. How is your relationship with your mother now? Are you able to talk to her about your sexual life or your sexual past?I'm proud of myself for coming up with that Mango analogy so quickly, so thank you! My relationship with my mother is fine, we are close. I can talk to her about anything, though she doesn't really care about sex. So interesting that I've been with hundreds of partners and my mom has only been with one person her whole life - my dad.
Airen Wolf (host): "It's great that you have a good relationship with your Mom after all you guys have been though."
Thank you for answering my other questions. I guess the problem with being out about it with my friends and those in my major is that in the end, I would like to teach at the college level (engineering), which I think may be quite impossible to get a job if my blog is connected to me in person. Should that be something I worry about?Yes, you should worry about it. Depending on how liberal your field is, where you live, and how nosy people are, I'd hate for you to have $40,000 in student loans to pay and be unemployable. But hey I hope sharing my story will make things easier for others to be out about their harmless interests,
It's a shame engineers, teachers, doctors, lawyers and politicians should not own sex toys, ey?
Airen Wolf (host): "Some of the best toy manufacturers are engineers, and doctors. It's just plain silly is what it is."
Kendra, I just wanted to thank you for your gracious and thoughtful responses to all of our questions and to wish you well in the future. I know you mentioned doing more work with EF and SexIs and I certainly look forward to future articles from you.
I find your writing style to be delightful and was wondering whether you have ever considered writing a novel? In your life, you have met a great number of fascinating characters and have had a broad variety of experiences from which to draw inspiration. You also have a well-rounded philosophy of life which, I believe, is necessary for fictional authors in successfully creating a compelling and enticing world. I can easily envision you being successful as a fictional author, in addition to your memoir-style writings.Thank you! I'm more drawn to writing about real-life stuff, but could see myself writing fiction someday. I even have some children's book ideas. I LOOOVE children's books.
I'll take this question to say I'm about to start reading Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace, and I love Alice Walker, Carson McCullers, Toni Morrison, Olive Ann Burns, John Kennedy Toole, and L.M. Montgomery. Also, I've read Fried Green Tomatoes... twice and cried at the end both times.
I applaud you for coming out and taking charge of your life. This past August made a year that had my secret online persona and I am finding myself like others here living a double like and occasionally slipping when speaking w/ friends and family.
When did you tell your relatives about TBK (what a cute story about the name) and her sexual ways? Did you tell them individually? Did you tell a few knowing that they will tell the others?I'm not sure - I've always been proud of TBK but only shared it with those I thought would appreciate it. I love when others spread the word, it's such a great community.
Though its been a year I am still more on the vanilla side of the spectrum what exactly is pansexual?Pansexual is when you are attracted to a person regardless of their gender, you don't care if that person is male, female, or transgender. The gender spectrum is as varied as the rainbow - I just watched an amazing documentary called Middle Sexes all about gender blending, I highly recommend it.
How do you feel about the day your daughter aka precious little girl starts borrowing or asking permission to use your sex toy collection? anxious? nervous? do you dread it? do you wish for her to never grow up or not to grow up too fast?I'm not nervous, anxious, or dreading the thought of my daughter using sex toys. I think the Dutch have it right in regards to how they teach kids about sex.
I AM nervous about my daughter having sex with another person - I want her to be emotionally ready for it. I want her to be safe.
Airen Wolf (host): "Heh I anticipated the problem and brought it up to my girls. They thanked me politely, made a few gagging sounds and then left giggling. Still they know I'm here and available to listen, the rest is up to them."
My boyfriend is interested in threesomes. I'm not very interested because I'm shy and insecure. Is there anyway I can sort of "make" myself okay with this?If you try to do a threesome and you aren't excited about it, it probably won't go well. You should do it for YOUR pleasure and experience, not just to please others.
You can become less shy and more secure, but that takes time and growth. You and your loved ones must be patient with you. A lot of women are insecure in their 20's but hit their goddess prime in their 40's.
You should read www.thebookofgoddess.com - one thing I point out in there is this: "You look great NOW. I can’t tell you how many women I know who curse the fact that they were shy about wearing a bikini when they were in their 20’s and a size 8. They thought they weren’t thin enough to pull it off. Now they are 35 and a size 12 and WISH they were a size 8 again."
Airen Wolf (host): "Wow I SO wanted to jump in and answer this one! I had a sneaking suspicion Kendra would do an incredible job of answering herself and I was totally correct!
I can only second her, strongly, and say if you aren't comfortable and wanting the experience it will most likely be forced, awkward, and uncomfortable. It was for me and I was only mildly conflicted. I ended up thinking this wasn't for me and blaming my husband for wanting this "icky perverted" stuff. Get comfortable and to a point where you can say enthusiastically "YES". Only beinging comfortable with your body and owning your sexuality will make this shift for you."
Hi Kendra, I've really enjoyed reading your story! I was wondering what, in your opinion is the best, first step in truly expressing and actualizing your sexual desires even when (or especially when) you have a partner whose desires differ from your own.
I wish you all the be(a)st!
gThe best first step to expressing your sexual desires is to find a creative outlet for them - write stories, start a blog, make art, collect erotic art. Be proud of this part of yourself - it is important and valuable.
What led you to stripping? I know you left home at 18 was it something you did to survive living on your own at young age?Yes, getting kicked out at 18 with no support system or money left me with few options. I wrote an article about my stripping experience that has never been published. It started like this:
"I lived in the city in a roach infested shot-gun apartment with a surly roommate, and lived paycheck to paycheck as a hotel front desk clerk. I finally saved up the $1000 I needed to make a down payment on my first car, a used sardine can. Then they cut my hours at the hotel, and I had no future plans to speak of. I was 19 and aimless.
So a friend of mine and I got the idea to call up a strip club we saw advertised in the paper and see if they would have us. We were nervous about even calling a strip club—we sure as hell had never been to one before. I asked the woman who answered the phone if they would consider hiring someone with small tits and no dancing skills.
“Sure,” she said, “Come on in and fill out an application.” An application?
The next day, we drove across the river on the worn-out bridge to the East Side, where all the seedy strip clubs and smoke stacks congregated. We pulled up to the building..."
Airen Wolf (host): "I am picturing the confused look on your face...fill out an application? Like at McDonalds or something??!!?? Priceless."
I like your personality and being open-minded without any fears. I'd like to ask if you could go back time, would you have behaved any differently ?
I don't know if this question has already been asked.Yes.
I would have left the robin eggs in the nest instead of taking them because they were pretty when I was 7.
I would have gone to my grandmother's funeral instead of skipping it when I was 9.
I would have been more respectful to my parents - I was a bratty kid.
I would have been nicer to my younger siblings - I was mean to them. I didn't learn compassion until much later.
I would have told my older adopted brother to fuck off instead of saying yes when he said, "Do you want me to show you something fun?" when I was 8 or 9.
I would have stripped on my own terms and stood up for myself instead of letting those jerks manipulate me at age 19.
I would have not married my husband at age 23.
I would have not had a child with him.
But then what would I be like today had any of these things been different? All I can do now is move forward in a positive mindset and do my best to help other people and do my part to reduce the amount of suffering in the world.
Forgive me if you've addressed this already during this Q&A (I admit that I haven't read through every single post), but my wife and I were talking about your column again this weekend and she's curious about whether you preferred new or repeat customers during your time as a sex worker. Also, what about married verse single men? Just a couple easy-going, but socially fascinating, questions.
RydellRepeat customers were much better than new - you knew what to expect and didn't have to worry about the unknowns (will I get arrested? will he attack me? will he rip me off? will he have warts all over his dick?)
The trouble with repeat customers tho is that after about 3 times, the honeymoon was over and they started taking liberties. They wanted to pay less,or stay longer, or date you, and ruined the dynamic.
Married men are much better to deal with than single men - married men follow the rules and respect boundaries better - they are more discreet, don't expect you to marry them, leave promptly and don't overstay their welcome. Single men are more desperate - they have a void in their life they want you to fill, they have less to lose. They want more than you are willing to give them.
Airen Wolf (host): "It's kind of sad really. The real problme is they sometimes have such guilt about seeing a "professional" that they try to make her a girlfriend. Problem is that's when it can get ugly. Then again single men have it double rough at the best of times, if they aren't dating a woman they MUST be gay and the pressure to date someone, ANYONE can drive them to do things they normally wouln't...kind of a human condition. This is why sex workers need some protection, leglization and legitimazation (yup coining words here). Not every sex worker is a poor woman beaten into submission and secretly hating the job. Just like not every waitress lives in a trailer park and has no education or drive...or is an actress waiting for a break!"
I have met a few guys online that do seem nice and fun to go on a date with. A few have offer to fly to other to them, come visit me. I tell them all that I am more of a talker and flirt they all say no sex will be expected but I know a few do have fetishes like rope play, cross dressing and pegging.
My question is how can I go about being a sex worker with out having intercourse? (I don't mind caressing, touching, being tied up, spanked, pegging, hand jobs)You can go the pro-domme route. Most pro-dommes don't have sex with their clients, but top them - beat them up, make them do tasks, peg, etc.
You could also try phone sex, webcamming, http://www.niteflirt.com/
You could offer sensual full-body massage that end with a hand job.
Every man I have ever known expects a release, so if you are willing to allow them to masturbate or give them a hand job to complete the session, that is fair. BUT they always want more, they always try pushing your limits to see what they can get.
For instance, if I offered mutual masturbation sessions to men with no touching allowed, they would totally try touching. Then if I told them, "You know the rules!" they would whine, "But I can't help myself, there's a beautiful naked woman in front of me!"
It's frustrating when people don't respect your boundaries. Here you're trying to offer them something nice and they have to be greedy. Give an inch, they'll take a mile. This has been my experience with sex work AND dating.
Airen Wolf (host): "Lots of guys think that because they have a fist full of dollars that they "own" the right to behave like complete jackasses. Or worse... It's an age old dilemma especially when so many women buy into the whole "if she (or he) is selling her body she (or he) has no rights". Now if she/he was selling an article of clothing she (or he) is afforded every protection under the law. Hell , in the past marriage was legalized prostitution and she had no right to refuse cause he paid for her everything.
Be sure to protect yourself just as you would for any situation where a crazy person might cause you bodily harm."
I react the same way when I get jealous (http://thebeautifulkind.com/columns/tbk-saga/my-jealous-freakout).
My childhood crush (and at some point I THINK we were childhood sweet hearts lol) now has a boyfriend and are on their 2nd year. We've been pretty close friends for the past 14 years yet I never made a move so I DO NOT have the right to be jealous or what not. But the first time I heard that they were together, I freaked. And over thought stuff. I had planned their 1st year anniversary date together, thought about how hot their make out sessions were, imagined how far they've gone sexually with each other, how her family has accepted them as a couple, even as far as conceptualizing there wedding and thinking of what I would sing at their wedding! lol I was distracted and unbalanced for weeks.
I've trained myself to think that I should be happy because she's happy. But every time I think of her, I go back to my over-thinking self. I "move on" a few minutes later yet I find myself back in the cycle.
I know Beast spoke to you the day after, and you guys were able to talk things out. I realize that my relationship with the girl is not as deep as yours and beast's but what could I do to get over her yet retain our friendship?This was the hardest question to answer. You are obsessed and nothing I can say will break that spell. Anything I say is reasonable and logical, which you can agree with intellectually, but that won't change how you feel.
Only YOU can break that spell. Time helps, cognitive therapy helps, replacing those thoughts and redirecting helps, finding a suitable replacement to focus your energy on will help (a pet? a new partner? but that might not end up being fair to that other creature), having an open and honest conversation with her might help, staging a symbolic ritual giving you closure might help (like creating or destroying something), removing her completely from your life may be the only way for you to move on and heal.
I feel for you - "the heart wants what it wants, or else it does not care."
You must find a way to break this spell and move on, rebirth yourself, begin a new era in your life.
It's easier said than done to change your emotions, but you must face them and work through them in order to get to a healthy place.
We have a little tradition around here... could you finish this sentence: "Sex is..."Sex is as vital as food and breathing to human health and happiness. Sex is what makes us crazy. Sex is what makes us sane. Sex is a free, endless supply of pleasure at our fingertips. Sex is what makes us ALIVE.
Airen Wolf (host): "Well said! Great note to end the interview on I think. :)"