The Beautiful Kind Columns

May 25 My hospice patient died. I was mentioned in her obituary as being one of her “special friends,” and the details of our relationship were spoken of in her funeral service. I had no idea I'd touched her family’s life that much. *** Saddened, I shared my feelings with the music professor, and later that night as we held each other in bed, he said to me in the dark, “I want you to know I’m not trying to pressure you at all, but you really don’t have to keep doing what you’re doing. I can help you with whatever you need.” My head was resting against his chest as I thought about this: No more sex with big fat old guys. No more being at the mercy of horny men’s whims. No more being let down by last-minute cancellations and being on call for booty. No more condoms and fear of STDs. No more entertaining male egos and babysitting guys on the phone and in the bedroom. No more worrying about every bruise and blemish. No more breaking the law. No more pretending. And the sooner I quit, the sooner I could get on with a new chapter in my life, trade in a short-t...

May 23 (cont.) Then I ran into my BIGGEST challenge on the job yet. I was meeting a new guy. He saw a review of me online. We emailed back and forth a bit, and I had a good idea of what he wanted. He mentioned in his email that he had diabetes and hypertension, so I shouldn’t expect him to get hard, but that he could still have an orgasm. Our friendly emails did nothing to prepare me for him. I heard him park around back, so I came to the front door to let him in. I noticed it was taking him a while to get to the front door. Then through the closed door I heard a laborious shuffling. What the hell? Is he dragging something? I opened the door and … well, there have been times where I had seen an obese man out in public, and I can remember that I thought, Glad that isn’t a client of mine! This guy looked like he had eaten the obese man. He weighed at least 500 pounds, and wore a big orthopedic boot. I was horrified, but I didn’t let it show. He came in and the first thing he did was watch me go tinkle. He wiped me, and then we went to the bed. I helped him...

May 16 A client told me he wanted to visit me and would be by after he gave his nephew a guitar lesson. I told him, “Well, if I see you coming up the walkway carrying a guitar, I’ll know you got the two of us confused.” *** The sandwich shop guy came back. Again he fucked me for way too long, and I silently cursed the fact that I’d tossed his pants on top of the clock. He said, “I could do this all day,” and I said, “I believe you.” We went overtime, but I finally saw him off. *** My nooner was a complete contrast – it was the tan redneck guy. He blew in like a testosterone tornado, fucked me fast and hard, and was gone in 20 minutes. Nice! *** The Asshole King My evening was spent with John, first in the shower and then in the bed. That guy has such a thing for assholes! Mine, his—it’s all good. He bellows when he cums, like a bull moose. May 18 More contrast. Today I’m meeting with the hung lawyer and the small-sized lighthouse collector. *** Momentous decision—I’ve decided that I want to make a go of it with the music professor widower, so I’m going t...

May 11 What Are Brothers For? I had another rendezvous with the Czech. His brother vacated his apartment so he could bring a whore there, isn’t that nice? I gave him a long blowjob—a really long blowjob. Next time I should bring a vise grip for his cock—GOD he likes it rough. It’s tough wrestling something the size of your arm, making sure the foreskin is pulled down and taut, that the balls receive attention, that the head gets stimulated, that it all remains lubricated. Basically he’s used to the angle of his own hands, and that’s a bitch to do backwards. I think doing taxes or changing a tire might be a preferable chore. *** Community Service Met a shy chubby Chinese guy for lunch. He was dying with curiosity over the whole whore thing, but was also really hesitant to pursue it due to feeling guilty about being married … while also feeling the urge to explore. He has only been with his wife. He was nice and asked me a million questions. I have no idea if he’ll really want to meet someday—I’m pretty sure our lunch meeting satisfied both our curiosity....