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Diary of a Sex Surrogate: Come One, Come All...But Not So Fast, Gentlemen!

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Did you know that the average woman takes about 20 minutes to achieve orgasm? The majority of men, on the other hand, don’t have a problem coming in 5 minutes. If a woman can orgasm during intercourse (though not all do), she’s going to require more time than most men need. Basically, a woman’s orgasm is like a symphony, whereas, a man’s is more like a rock song.

  In the Moment

This 38-year-old had a similar problem: He possessed awkward social skills—he didn’t smile much, was a bit detached and cold, gave minimal eye contact, and was very uptight. Whenever he was with a woman, he came too quickly, sometimes before he could even get inside her. He said he had better luck controlling his orgasm when he was by himself, but when he was in a dating situation, it was game over before it even started.

I worked with him slowly. My goal was for him to get comfortable and used to being with someone. It helped that I knew of his anxiety—usually he tried hiding it from the person he was with, which only made things worse.

After some talking sessions, I set up a relaxing environment for some hands-on work—dim, candlelight, soft music, I wore beautiful lingerie. I had him lie facedown in his boxers and receive a warm oil massage. I touched his body all over, went slow, spoke reassuringly. Once he relaxed and became aroused, I put the condom on him and started out missionary. He slid inside me, but right away yelped, “I feel like I’m gonna come!”

“Stop. Pay attention to yourself,” I whispered soothingly. “Focus on your breathing. Breathe. Breathe slowly. Focus on what is happening right now, not what’s about to happen.”

He did as I said, and we kept pausing whenever necessary so he could regain his momentum without going over the edge. After a couple more positions, we ended with doggy style. I gave him the green light to let himself go, which he gratefully did.

We got together four more times to practice his technique. With each session, he became more at ease, lasting longer and longer. The proud smile he had last time I saw him was so satisfying! It’s my hope that his progress carried over to real life dating.

  Things to Consider

I’m not into suggesting you think about dead kittens or angry mothers-in-law as a way of taking your mind off what’s going on. Instead, be present in the moment and enjoying it, but put your partner’s pleasure first. If you make your partner a priority, then your own pleasure will follow. Here are some other things to try:

• Wear a condom. You can even try desensitizing condoms or doubling up.
• If you’re going bareback, try using silicone lube. It offers a different sensation than water-based lube, acting almost as a micro-thin barrier.
• Don’t pee before having sex. Sometimes if you have to pee, it blocks the urge to ejaculate.
• Save positions that rub you the right way until last. Start with missionary and end with girl on top or doggy style.
• Have sex with your partner more often. A friend of mine used to only have sex once every two weeks with his ex-partner, and he found himself coming really quick. Now he’s in a relationship where he’s having partnered sex every day, and he has no problem controlling his orgasm.
• Experiment with you or your partner finding your “stop spot”—pushing on the base of your penis or the area between the balls and anus as a way of interrupting orgasmic buildup.
• Explore Tantra. Tantra is about being in the moment, not hurrying towards a goal of orgasm. A lot of men unconsciously carry the mentality they had as a teenager. Tantra retrains you. You can even train yourself to separate orgasm from ejaculation, meaning you can have as many orgasms as you want in a session!
• Communicate with your partner. If something is bothering you, speak up! Hiding things from your partner will only perpetuate dissatisfaction. You may have avoided certain topics in past relationships. How did that work for you? Now is your chance to break the cycle and be open and honest.

Patience and regular practice is the key. Experiment with some of the advice I’ve imparted here, and be kind to yourself. If you keep working on it, eventually you will become the master of your own orgasm.


A great article and the final tips are right on. I plan on sharing it with my clients.


Excellent advice. I'm going to send this link to the guys I know who have, uh, hair triggers.


Interviews with The Beautiful Kind

  • For TBK, this interview is all about Coming Out as a Sex Positive Slut in the Midwest Bible Belt. What made Kendra decide to “come out”? What was it like being fired from her job for her personal blog? What are her plans now that she is fully embracing her identity?

    Kendra Holliday is The Beautiful Kind, a 38-year-old bisexual mother living in St. Louis, MO. She has been boldly and bravely exploring sex for over 20 years, and has spent the past four years documenting her wild adventures anonymously online as a Sex Writer, Consultant, and Editor of So, on Coming Out Day, and in keeping with her belief that sex should be discussed openly and honestly in the light of day instead of whispered secretively in the dark, she has made the difficult but vital decision to fully own all that she has done - the good, the bad, and the ugly. And now she is telling you her name, showing you her face, telling you her story (did you see the [|video interview] on SexIs yet?!), and taking your questions here. You may recall that The Beautiful Kind made national news in April when she was dramatically fired from her full-time day job for writing about sex in her personal life under a pen name. In a random Google search, TBK's employer found her real name unknowingly linked to her personal website, and based her immediate termination on this sole instance. The employer has continually declined public comment. Countless blogs and media websites picked up the scandalous story, including, Business Insider, Glamour, Huffington Post, digg, Jezebel, Fleshbot, and Mental_Floss. During that difficult time, TBK took her website down for a few weeks and focused on writing her empowering ebook The Book of Goddess: Elevating Your Desirability to Mythic Proportions. Kendra shares: “I'm grateful to my friends and family for supporting my decision. There's no telling what will come of this bold move, but I'm confident coming out will open up many new doors and be an inspiration to others. We all want to be accepted for who we are.” Kendra writes openly about her current life experiences on her own site, as well as her former days as a sex worker, in her column, [| The Whore Journals] on SexIs. Kendra is embracing her future by focusing on ways to give back to the community and to educate others. As a founding member of a new not-for-profit community organization, Sex Positive St. Louis (SEX+STL), she is excited about the potential of this online community resource for local sex positive events, partnerships with organizations, and information sharing. As Kendra plans workshops and speaking events, both independently and with SEX+STL, EdenFantasys will be sponsoring her efforts. We are very much looking forward to this new chapter in the beautiful life of Kendra Holliday, The Beautiful Kind, as she continues to elevate her sex positive mission!

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