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The Hard and Soft of It: One Sex Surrogate’s Experience with Erectile Dysfunction

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Hey, fellas—when’s the last time you sported a boner? Have you ever noticed how annoying spontaneous erections are for teenage boys, and how annoying lack of erections are for older men?

  Mr. Viagra

A silver-haired gentleman contacted me for consultation. At our first meeting, this 68-year-old told me that he’d been divorced for five years, and had been trying to get back into the dating game ever since, but was encountering an unexpected problem. Whenever he got in bed with a woman, his erection waned rather than John Wayned.

I asked if Mr. V if he had success maintaining an erection flying solo. He assured me the equipment worked—except when he was in bed with a willing woman. He was fed up with a dick that left him hanging.

After gathering my client’s sexual history, I concluded V’s problem was more mental than age-related. Low self-esteem was creating performance anxiety. He was dealing with the vicious cycle of dreading a bad outcome, and then getting it, and we needed to break that cycle.

For our first hands-on session, I wanted to start with a clean slate—V and I would spend time in an intimate encounter without the aid of drugs, so I could see what he was working with. I also asked him not to masturbate for a couple days prior to our meeting, just to make sure his pump was primed.

V was definitely nervous that first session, but I did my best to put him at ease, keeping things slow, relaxed, lighting candles and playing soft music. We took off our clothes and got in bed. I explored his body, and he explored mine, but his cock refused to show any interest.

“It’s happening again!” V fretted. “I’m turned on, but it’s not working! Here I am with a beautiful woman and no hard-on. What’s the matter with me? I’m such a lunkhead!”

I assured him that we were on track, however, and not to throw in the towel so fast. It was important that we get to know one another; it might take several sessions to make headway. “For our next session,” I told him, “we are going try something different. Before you arrive, I want you to take one of the Viagra pills your doctor prescribed.”

As instructed, V took his medicine, and the next time we met, he was more relaxed and confident. It definitely helped that we were more familiar with each other. We disrobed and got into bed again. I kept a condom nearby.

This time, he absolutely got hard. Hallelujah! His toy was back! It worked beautifully. I put a condom on him and lay back so he could try it out. V was eager and no-nonsense in his technique. He penetrated me, and we had sex missionary position for about 10 or 15 minutes, me cheering him on and cooing encouragement until he reached climax.

I felt like he wasn’t having sex with me, he was making love to his own dick. He was ALL ABOUT IT. I was merely a vessel—and that was fine by me. He sure did get his manhood back, and I was amazed at how simple it was.

“Congratulations,” I told him as he was leaving. “Mission accomplished.” But V wasn’t really paying all that much attention by then. He was already a million miles away, planning his next conquest, no doubt. He left my house like a boy carrying a trophy.

In a follow-up phone call, I told him that it was my hope that he could use the pill the next two or three times, and then once he’d built up confidence, we could do away with it. And that’s exactly what happened.

  Fix the Deck Before You Install the Hot Tub

Another client I worked with had a completely different dilemma: He and his wife were swingers in their mid-40s. He had no problem getting it up with her in private, but whenever they hooked up with another couple, to his chagrin, his dong did more swinging than he did.

I had a frank discussion with him, and asked him many pointed, personal questions. I gathered that he was dominant in the bedroom, and that he was having ongoing relationship problems with his wife. Communication was an issue—sometimes they went days without talking.

I let him know that since his problem was mental, he could probably get away with popping a pill as a superficial solution, but that he’d do better to work on the REAL issues at hand. I suggested that he might be suffering from simple stage fright, or that he felt less control in a group sex setting, which threw him off his game. But what I really stressed to him was that he needed to work on his relationship.

“I have a feeling you’re trying to build on a shaky foundation, and that is not going to fly,” I explained. “You need to work on being connected with your wife. I think it’s that insecurity that’s interfering with your mojo.”

To that end, the couple has shelved their swinging for the time being, and are working with a counselor to resolve their marital misunderstandings. Will he get his mojo back? Only time will tell.

  Pump It Up!

As I mentioned, things that can remedy ED include making lifestyle changes—stop smoking, meditate, eat less meat, and avoid drunk swinging. You might also consider trying prescription drugs, such as Viagra, or seeing a therapist.

When it comes to physical impotence, if all other options are exhausted and the pills don’t help, a penile implant is a last resort. (My dad has the Cadillac of implants, by the way. I wrote about his $10,000 dick here.)

I asked an escort friend of mine if she had any experience with robococks, and she reported encounters with two different men who were proud owners of tricked-out dicks. The most remarkable thing she had to say about them was that if her clients hadn’t clued her in to the fact that they had the prosthesis and had to pump it up, she wouldn’t have been any the wiser. That’s right, they are that seamless and effective. And believe me—she’s seen A LOT of dick.

So, gents, if you ever encounter Whiskey Dick or Limp Prick, don’t despair! It happens to all of us at one point or another. With a little detective work and most likely some minor adjustments, you can hit the reset button and once again be ready to rock out with your cock out. No need to be hard on yourself; that’s counter-productive. Be patient, take a deep breath, and think outside the boxer shorts.



Satoshi Kanazawa must be Catholic. How does procreation explain erection during R.E.M. sleep?


Thanks so much, I've been in threesomes with my guy and various friends of his, the friend's almost always have an erectile issue. I put a lot of effort into making the other guy comfortable, it's easy to get intimidated when it comes time to "perform". Eventually they manage to relax. I usually try to begin with the idea that getting there is ALL the fun, lets face, once you orgasm, it's over. Not that you can't do it again (and again!) but the longer it takes to get there, the better for all of us! And really, not all guys can go again and again, let's face it. Focus on the fun at hand, not the finish line.....


I'm really enjoying this sex surrogate series. It's a wonderful thing you're doing for your clients. I'm glad that couple has put swinging on the back burner while they work on their relationship. I was thinking that's what they needed to do right before reading that they had. Hopefully things will work out for them.


Interviews with The Beautiful Kind

  • For TBK, this interview is all about Coming Out as a Sex Positive Slut in the Midwest Bible Belt. What made Kendra decide to “come out”? What was it like being fired from her job for her personal blog? What are her plans now that she is fully embracing her identity?

    Kendra Holliday is The Beautiful Kind, a 38-year-old bisexual mother living in St. Louis, MO. She has been boldly and bravely exploring sex for over 20 years, and has spent the past four years documenting her wild adventures anonymously online as a Sex Writer, Consultant, and Editor of So, on Coming Out Day, and in keeping with her belief that sex should be discussed openly and honestly in the light of day instead of whispered secretively in the dark, she has made the difficult but vital decision to fully own all that she has done - the good, the bad, and the ugly. And now she is telling you her name, showing you her face, telling you her story (did you see the [|video interview] on SexIs yet?!), and taking your questions here. You may recall that The Beautiful Kind made national news in April when she was dramatically fired from her full-time day job for writing about sex in her personal life under a pen name. In a random Google search, TBK's employer found her real name unknowingly linked to her personal website, and based her immediate termination on this sole instance. The employer has continually declined public comment. Countless blogs and media websites picked up the scandalous story, including, Business Insider, Glamour, Huffington Post, digg, Jezebel, Fleshbot, and Mental_Floss. During that difficult time, TBK took her website down for a few weeks and focused on writing her empowering ebook The Book of Goddess: Elevating Your Desirability to Mythic Proportions. Kendra shares: “I'm grateful to my friends and family for supporting my decision. There's no telling what will come of this bold move, but I'm confident coming out will open up many new doors and be an inspiration to others. We all want to be accepted for who we are.” Kendra writes openly about her current life experiences on her own site, as well as her former days as a sex worker, in her column, [| The Whore Journals] on SexIs. Kendra is embracing her future by focusing on ways to give back to the community and to educate others. As a founding member of a new not-for-profit community organization, Sex Positive St. Louis (SEX+STL), she is excited about the potential of this online community resource for local sex positive events, partnerships with organizations, and information sharing. As Kendra plans workshops and speaking events, both independently and with SEX+STL, EdenFantasys will be sponsoring her efforts. We are very much looking forward to this new chapter in the beautiful life of Kendra Holliday, The Beautiful Kind, as she continues to elevate her sex positive mission!

     Read full interview

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