Bad reaction with first time domination

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Bad reaction with first time domination

HotMama2three HotMama2three
DH doesn't want to get into D/s, I do. He tried for me and I freaked out. I was trying to tell him what I needed, and he kept "in the role" instead of responding to my reservation. I burst into tears. He hadn't laid a hand on me, was just being dominating vocally. Geez, I feel like an ass because it really upset him to see me cry and feel like he was responsible. I told him it wasn't his fault, and that as the sub its my responsibility to end what I can't handle. What am I doing wrong? Am I just not really into D/s even though i like being spanked, bitten, scratched (hard) etc?
07/16/2012
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Taylor Taylor
This might be a good time to introduce a safeword that you can say when things are getting too intense. Something you wouldn't normally say during the act so he knows if you say that word that it is time to back off. It can be difficult to read someone at first when trying a new type of experience and it might be hard for him to know how far to push you. Communication is going to be very important with any sort of BDSM play, and a safe word it another way of communicating how you are really feeling.

Also, you might be a masochist and not submissive. I can't say for sure, but it is something to think about.
07/17/2012
sumie sumie
It is possible that you like being spanked, bitten, and scratched but not really into being dominated. And that's okay.

You may have to explore some lighter scenes with your DH to see what both of you are comfortable with to start off with. It is going to take a lot of exploration to determine if you are actually a submissive.
07/17/2012
MissMori MissMori
I agree with the two posts above. Also, I am going to sound like Debbie Downer over here, but one thing you may want to talk about (I'm guessing - and hoping - that you and DH are able to discuss what you're both feeling openly) is whether there's a way for DH to approach domination that he's more comfortable with.
I've never been in the situation of trying to bring D/s play into an existing relationship AND having both partners be fairly new to it. I agree with sumie that a lot of exploration is the way to go!
But here's the downer part - as far as I know, not being dominant myself, it also takes a lot of experience and soul-searching (or whatever you want to call it) to really make a Dom. As a personal example, Sir does on occasion make me cry. It's always in a good way - intense pain that I want or really strong emotional release - but if it were ever negative I'd be able to stop and check in. That takes a lot of emotional strength from Him - trusting me to check in and always be honest with what I'm feeling AND sometimes seeing me in these really intense spaces and knowing that it's not because of anything wrong. It also means that I need to be able to cry and scream in a good way and know that nothing is going to freak Him out, but at the same time be able to trust Him to stop if I needed to. Balancing those two has got to be tough! I don't think He just woke up able to do that one day. I'm not sure if that's at all helpful, but there's my novel-length comment!
I hope you two find a way to go about your exploration that's fun and sexy for both of you!
07/17/2012
HotMama2three HotMama2three
I sincerely appreciate your responses. We have been together for 13 years, married for 8 next week and are truly blessed and immensely happy. We can talk about anything, with total acceptance. I am not a submissive personality, and he is not a dominant personality. The opposite actually. I'm incredibly strong, outgoing, and self assured. Him, not at all. D/s is totally out of our comfort zone and such a small part of our amazing, rich life together that I wouldn't want to screw things up just for kicks. Our sex life is awesome without it, but it's always been a desire of mine. Thank you for the support and I look forward to leaning on this forum when we head into uncharted territory again.
07/17/2012
- Kira - - Kira -
Quote:
Originally posted by HotMama2three
I sincerely appreciate your responses. We have been together for 13 years, married for 8 next week and are truly blessed and immensely happy. We can talk about anything, with total acceptance. I am not a submissive personality, and he is not a ...
Is is D/s that you're interested in specifically? Or is it pain play? They're two different things, even though they often come together. It sounds like the D/s portion may not really be what either of you are looking for.

If you decide to play again, make sure you have discussed what will happen PRIOR and have a safeword set for if things get too out of control. I don't know what activities you tried, but scale them back. You first experiences don't need to be the ones where you're getting whips cracked and being called every name under the sun. Everything in time, you know? I'd also maybe have some time where you try pain play but WITHOUT the D/s dynamic. I'm thinking that might be more up your alley. Again, safeword and start out slow.

I'm also gonna echo MissMori. Being a Dom, even if only for an hour, must be exhausting - physically and mentally. If you love your sub and you have them weeping at your feet, well, that takes a hell of a strong person. At my husband's request (he is my M/D) I tied him up once. It was incredibly awkward for me as the little s in the relationship. It's just not in my nature to be that way. If your husband is a natural sub in life, being a Dom in the bedroom may either a) take a LOT of time or b) just not be possible. I've dated my share of guys that were nice and all, but couldn't dominate me properly. In your relationship, the D/s element will likely get kicked out in favor of the marriage. For me, the D/s element is key and a big part of why I married my husband. It takes a certain type of person to be able to do the Dom thing. Not everyone can just jump in those shoes during playtime.
07/17/2012
itismedi itismedi
Quote:
Originally posted by HotMama2three
DH doesn't want to get into D/s, I do. He tried for me and I freaked out. I was trying to tell him what I needed, and he kept "in the role" instead of responding to my reservation. I burst into tears. He hadn't laid a hand on ...
I know you posted this nearly a month ago and hopefully you have found a way to make this work (or not) in your relationship.

I agree with other posters that you can enoy the pain without the domination and that may be what works for you. You didn't meantion what upset you. Was it something he physically did or was it something he said??? That may help you figure things out. I am the s in our D/s relationship and love it all, but I also freak out if I can't breathe or feel that I can't breathe. I tried to work through it one time (husband had me tied up, face down and was on top of me (doggy style), there was a pillow near my head and even though I could breathe I panicked. I ended up freaking out instead of working through it. My husband was like, "WHY didn't you tell me???" I told him I was trying to work through it and he mumbled something like "nut job" under his breath. haha Now, if I am not tied up he will throw the pillows off the bed before I turn over or if I am tied up he will turn me so we are on the bed sideways and my head is slightly hanging off the bed.

My point is, talk it out. There may be a way to make it work. I also recommend not one, but TWO safe words. Especially when trying something new. One is a caution word. It lets your husband know to slow down, give you a chance to adjust to what is going on, etc... the other is the cease/stop word. If you say that word he stops what he is doing immediately. For us, I am pretty simple. I use "wait" for my caution word and simply "stop" for my safe word, but those are words I would never use during "play time". I say/yell "no" a lot, but he knows that I don't really mean it and keeps going, but if I ever say wait, he pauses and lets me say "okay" before he keeps going. I rarely say "stop", but that is more due to the fact that he knows me and how to push me to where he wants me to go.

You have been together a long time! This doesn't have to happen over night. Be patient. Good luck!
08/11/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
I'm sorry this happened to you.

The Community has provided some awesome answers! I agree with most of them, too.

1) Not everyone can be a Dom. Not everyone wants to. It isn't a role most people can just jump into. That may be the root of the issue. He may also be afraid of harming you (which is different than hurting you, as in pain play.) That's OK. It just may not be his role to play.

2) A lot of people are NOT submissive in everyday life, but like to be sub during sex play. You may need to find out (as others have said) if you are a sub, or just like pain or intense sensation play. They can be exclusive from each other.

3) Safe Words are necessary. I agree with having two. (I don't like "Stop" as part of the Play may be your begging and NOT really wanting to stop.) Some people use "Yellow" which means "Slow down. I may be reaching my limits." and then "Red" which means, "STOP NOW!" and all actions stop immediately. There should be NO negotiating when Safe Words are used. "Red" means STOP!

4) I did want to bring up something that no one else had; you may have been triggered during the play. Meaning, it may have brought up buried feelings or memories of something unpleasant that happened in your past. I feel strongly that when triggering happens, you NEED to deal with the issue that may have caused the triggering before proceeding further with D/s play. That's just my take on it, having dealt with my possible trigger issues, in therapy and by introspection before we ever started playing Hard.

Being Triggered is scary. It may be something to think about.

Play Safe and keep communication open. You also will want to talk about or even write out a "Hard Limit" list. Meaning listing things you simply don't want to do and he does the same. It can be exhausting to be a Dom, too. So, he gets a Hard Limit list as well.

Good luck.
08/11/2012
itismedi itismedi
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
I'm sorry this happened to you.

The Community has provided some awesome answers! I agree with most of them, too.

1) Not everyone can be a Dom. Not everyone wants to. It isn't a role most people can just jump into. That may be ...
Just wanted to post once more. PGell brought up a good point. I am the one that said, "stop" was my safe word. THIS works for US as stop is not something I would EVER say otherwise. This may not be the word for you. I had another safe word at one point, but I use it so infrequently that I forgot it one time and yelled, "stop". My husband froze lol. He was the one that suggested it as he pointed out that was the first time he had ever heard me use it. Whatever you chose make sure it is something you remember and NOT something that you might accidently use when you didn't mean it PGell also astutely pointed out that communication is key. There are times we discuss things before hand, like "Would you be willing to try _____" and even after. You would think we had just played the "big game" the way we break down parts and discuss what we liked, didn't like, wanted to do differently next time, etc... The more you talk the more your partner will know where your boundries are and the less chance you will be uncomfortable.
08/11/2012
Zandrock Zandrock
I think you might just need to slow down. When me and my significant other starting playing with BDSM we went very slow. I would mention an idea. Then we would look at the toy outside of a sexual setting. Then we would play with the toy for a very short time. Then the next time we would play longer and harder. This seems to have worked well and even though she isnt always into something right off the bat it helps her get comfortable and often she ends up liking it. That is just my two cents
08/11/2012
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Unique posters: 8