Deprogramming

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Deprogramming

Serenesub Serenesub
I'm newly single.. as in, not even 24 hours yet. I was owned, mentally enslaved. I'm doing alright, not hysterical anymore but now I'm wondering. For anybody that has been owned and then released, how do you deprogram(get used to doing things without rules, getting yourself out of the routines, etc.)? Like I said, so far I'm not doing that badly (that's not to say I wont totally lose my shit at some point yet), just curious.
02/09/2012
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Andre SanThomas Andre SanThomas
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
I'm newly single.. as in, not even 24 hours yet. I was owned, mentally enslaved. I'm doing alright, not hysterical anymore but now I'm wondering. For anybody that has been owned and then released, how do you deprogram(get used to doing ...
With the break up of any relationship, you need to give yourself some time and get yourself together. Especially before you take up with someone else. A good 6-12 months before you jump back in with someone else.

In the short term, take things one step at a time. When things seem overwhelming, I go to the "one bureaurocracy per day" system. So, for example, if you need to get groceries, change your mailing address, re-register your car and get a smog check, you do one each day. It takes 4 days, but you're a lot less likely to go postal at the DMV. So, break things down into manageable chunks. Today, I will stop doing (that thing I was doing just because they wanted me to do it). Tomorrow I will do something that I want to do just because *I* want to do it. Etc.

All the best!
02/09/2012
Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by Andre SanThomas
With the break up of any relationship, you need to give yourself some time and get yourself together. Especially before you take up with someone else. A good 6-12 months before you jump back in with someone else.

In the short term, take ...
It's definitely not my first break. Just my first with somebody this close, this tied into my mind. I was fully owned, enslaved. It's a whole new level of hurt, of confusion.

I am definitely going to take time to myself and get myself sorted. I had no walls, no protection, so I was much more vulnerable, much easier to break. I have to repair now. It's just getting out of the habits, letting go of a relationship that spanned and evolved over 5 years. It wasn't just a dom I lost.. it was an owner, it was where I felt at home and accepted, it was the one person I trusted and was always there to help me. It's.. a lot of adjusting. I've taken down all the toys, put away the cuffs.. just got rid of everything so it wasn't in my face all the time. It's weird having to rebuild myself and reprogram myself after this long.

I don't think it's fully sunk in yet, I think taking things in chunks as I go is a great idea. Thanks.
02/09/2012
TheSinDoll TheSinDoll
Go slow. One day at a time. Time is going to be your best friend. You'll probably go through different sets of emotions. Just be careful not to act outrageously on them. Don't be afraid to feel them and fully understand exactly why you feel the way you do. It just might help you in later relationships when you warn yourself of things not being 'just quit right".

Remember - You are the one in control now, responsible for your own behavior. Take all the time you need to adjust. If you need a break from kink - take one, but when you feel ready, don't be afraid to come back.

This one didn't work, that means the right one is still out there - it might be hard to think about it now, but you'll find him. Just take your time and move at your own pace.

Good luck, sweet girl.

~TSD
02/09/2012
Antipova Antipova
All my best for you---I don't know if I have much specific good advice, but Andre had a good suggestion of breaking things up into chunks and taking things slowly---keeping reasonable goals for yourself is a good way to generalize.

It will be a lot of work to flesh out who you are... and remember that others can help a lot. Not a single person on such a deep level as the relationship you're just leaving---but a few friends to bounce ideas with. And when friends aren't available, reach out to us here on the forums, you've always got a friendly ear! It might also be a good idea to seek out a kink-friendly therapist (and if there's not one in your area (I feel like I remember you saying you live far afield?) there are therapists who meet over skype no matter where you are.

One foot in front of the other, take it slow, and know that when you need to ask for help and advice, we're all here to offer a shoulder for a step or two.
02/09/2012
Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by TheSinDoll
Go slow. One day at a time. Time is going to be your best friend. You'll probably go through different sets of emotions. Just be careful not to act outrageously on them. Don't be afraid to feel them and fully understand exactly why you feel ...
It's not the loss of kink that's bothering me. I've taken a break before, and I understand it's not something I Can completely walk away from for good. It's a part of me. I need that dominance to be happy in a relationship.

Just hard accepting that the person I built my life around, and had planned the rest of it out with isn't the right one. I apologize, I am still really unsorted and all over the place with emotions and thoughts.

Thank you though, the support means a lot right now.
02/09/2012
Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
All my best for you---I don't know if I have much specific good advice, but Andre had a good suggestion of breaking things up into chunks and taking things slowly---keeping reasonable goals for yourself is a good way to generalize.

It will ...
I've actually looked for one in the last few months. Every therapist where I am is either connected to a church and very much kink unfriendly, or just insane pricing without a sliding scale. Right now, it's coming down to price. I can't afford it.

Somewhere along the way I lost myself, it's kind of hand in hand for mental enslavement. You're still yourself but parts disappear. It's going to take a long time to get back to being okay, thank you for the support and shoulder.
02/09/2012
Antipova Antipova
How are you doing today?
02/10/2012
Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
How are you doing today?
Around the same with a side of pissed off. It's a lot to adjust to you know? It's not just the owner aspect. This guy has been my best friend, my only go to person since I was about 16. He was always the one that helped put me back together after break ups, the one that was always there. It's losing two big chunks of my life at once. But, I think I'm starting to accept it a bit.

Thank you for asking, it meant a lot.
02/10/2012
TheSinDoll TheSinDoll
Sorry my words didn't help much.

Ummm... It was the thought that count?

Feel Better!
02/10/2012
Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by TheSinDoll
Sorry my words didn't help much.

Ummm... It was the thought that count?

Feel Better!
It totally is
02/10/2012
Andre SanThomas Andre SanThomas
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
I've actually looked for one in the last few months. Every therapist where I am is either connected to a church and very much kink unfriendly, or just insane pricing without a sliding scale. Right now, it's coming down to price. I can't ...
Call your local United Way main number and ask for referrals to cheap/sliding scale (non-religious based) counseling. They'll have some for you.
02/11/2012
Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by Andre SanThomas
Call your local United Way main number and ask for referrals to cheap/sliding scale (non-religious based) counseling. They'll have some for you.
Thank you, I hadn't thought of that.
02/11/2012
Total posts: 13
Unique posters: 4