How do initiate bdsm play?

AimDriver AimDriver
Do you just say it or do you have some kind is "sign" to say ..let's play?
08/04/2013
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BloodHound BloodHound
Quote:
Originally posted by AimDriver
Do you just say it or do you have some kind is "sign" to say ..let's play?
It depends on the context and setting. If it's your partner then you might want to try a sort of a sit down talk about wanting to try something new. If you are at a BDSM party you can always ask someone you find appealing if they want to play. If they say yes then you can sit down and negotiate what you do and don't want out of your play session and what sort of aftercare you need or want when you are done playing. I can't stress the negotiation part enough though. Negotiate safewords and and hard limits. Safety is important!
08/05/2013
Ansley Ansley
The world of BDSM is intrinsically unique. You must be careful when picking people to play with to ensure they will respect your hard limits. Hard limits are never to be broken in a BDSM relationship as it is an implicit breach of trust on the dominate's part. I'm sure you can find groups to become acquainted with in your area but whatever you do stay very far away from the people on FetLife. They've somehow bastardized the practices of BDSM and if you aren't playing exactly like they are, then you aren't really in the lifestyle and it can cause quite a bit of conflict.
08/05/2013
AimDriver AimDriver
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The world of BDSM is intrinsically unique. You must be careful when picking people to play with to ensure they will respect your hard limits. Hard limits are never to be broken in a BDSM relationship as it is an implicit breach of trust on the ... More
Stormy, I have used fetlife for research, what kind of conflict am I in for? I am basically starting this type of life style w my wife. I am not one interested in munches, etc. I am curious on how people get into the mood to play, I.e. signal each other. I am not a fan of just asking for it, I like the subtle approach
08/05/2013
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by AimDriver
Stormy, I have used fetlife for research, what kind of conflict am I in for? I am basically starting this type of life style w my wife. I am not one interested in munches, etc. I am curious on how people get into the mood to play, I.e. signal each ... More
There is a fair amount of "there's only one way to be a dom/sub" trains of thought on FetLife, anyone who is unyielding to another point of view is someone you don't want to take advice from when it comes to these things. For what you're looking to do, it's probably not an all too horrible place to get some basic information but when it comes to how you apply it just make sure the communication is open.

This is a great checklist of the various activities one might encounter in the lifestyle and you both can go through it and check the ones you're interested in (or not interested in if that list is longer) and discuss how far you're willing to go. In the beginning you can try a catchphrase or word that tells the other you're ready to play or you can designate one day of the week, whichever is most comfortable for your lifestyle.

Always be willing to adjust to the needs of both persons playing and be aware of sub drop afterwards. The emotional and physical effects of BDSM can be quite intense and the sub often needs a good deal of nurturing and reassurance afterward (and sometimes some band-aids and ointment).

No matter what, trust your instincts and create a safe word. The more ridiculous the better (it'll break the scene better, just make it something easily remembered).
08/05/2013
AimDriver AimDriver
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
There is a fair amount of "there's only one way to be a dom/sub" trains of thought on FetLife, anyone who is unyielding to another point of view is someone you don't want to take advice from when it comes to these things. For what ... More
Stormy, thank you for all the advice! every little bit helps. Feel free to give me more links, discussions, etc.
08/05/2013
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by AimDriver
Stormy, thank you for all the advice! every little bit helps. Feel free to give me more links, discussions, etc.
You're quite welcome. Just no matter what, don't forget that these are your scenes and your relationship and it's nobody's business how hardcore you are. Play in the ways that are most comfortable to you.
08/06/2013
AimDriver AimDriver
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
You're quite welcome. Just no matter what, don't forget that these are your scenes and your relationship and it's nobody's business how hardcore you are. Play in the ways that are most comfortable to you.
Well still a newbie, so always trying to learn new things
08/07/2013
matry matry
It doesn't always bother me to be clear about what my partner and I want to do beforehand, but sometimes I appreciate subtlety and having it feel more spontaneous. We usually do that in a few ways:
1. Still talk about it before, but further in advance. So, say there's something I want to do soon, I'll bring it up in the context of doing it in the next couple days. That way, next time we're in the mood we can skip the part where we have to talk about it all and just get right to the good stuff
2. Sometimes I like to get things 'set up' for us while he's at work. I'll surprise him with handcuffs or whatnot on the bed.
3. I also like to suggest it by saying something like "if I don't do ____ are you going to have to spank me again?" if he asks me to do something. This could work if it's something completely not sexual like getting him a glass of water, or if we're already fooling around.
I hope that helps!
08/08/2013
SwitchedOn546 SwitchedOn546
For my wife and I, breaking the ice was the hardest part. I think the cultural stigma that this kind of play is "wrong" makes it difficult to just bring up out of the blue; you're afraid she'll think you're weird or twisted or something. There were a lot of subtle hints passed between us that the other would pick up on and reciprocate that finally broke the ice for it.

At least the biggest key for us was patience. We started with things like fluffy handcuffs (which is more on the sensual side) and SLOWLY worked our way up to more "inappropriate" things (I am working my way through the Two Knotty Boys videos).

Another Example: I started grabbing her ass hard during sex and she would moan. So I started slapping her ass and she would moan louder. We just took baby steps. Now we have floggers and crops and paddles, etc. to satisfy our kinky sides.

Now it is much easier to talk about and we are more playful with it. After our last session where I was the dom and there was a new big butt plug, she said, "I might just have to see how you like it." I could have said "yeah right!" and we would have laughed and moved on without either feeling uncomfortable. Instead, I chose to taunt her so next time she doms will be very interesting...
08/22/2013
Total posts: 10
Unique posters: 5