How to approach different views with your spouse

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How to approach different views with your spouse

Ashiki Ashiki
I apologize if this is lengthy and that is has several different issues within it. I was doing a search earlier this week and came across this forum and decided to check it out and everyone seemed to be very honest but also very nice so I thought I would ask my question here. I want to also apologize if I misuse any terminology or phrases as this is all new to me so if I look like an idiot, I'm sorry .

I've always had fantasies of bondage I guess since at least I was a teenager but I have never participated. I have especially like the slave/master stuff. I used to write some as 'therapy' when I felt things were getting tough and it was nice to let go and not feel like I had to make decisions and put myself in that situation. It was a release (and still can be) for me to calm me down and feel more...like myself.

Recently I have started reading some erotica and trying to learn a little more about this and while reading on the forum I saw someone mention Fetlife so I signed up with just the intention of browsing the people in my area. At this time I have no intention of contacting anyone or attempting anything (I don't know if I would have the nerve, I'm painfully shy lol) but I thought I would look.

I came across my husband's profile on there. I wasn't mad or upset. Since we have been married I know he has chatted with other girls online and I know part of it is because I can not do what he would like sexually. I guess I say 'can't' but it's more 'won't'. He hasn't really asked though and I do appreciate that. He's tried a little but I get very embarrassed and shut down.

As I'm looking I was just viewing other profiles to see what type of things people posted, the types of people, etc. as I was unaware that this stuff was in my town (I'm sure I knew that, I just never looked). I do know I would be submissive as I am not dominant at all. After looking at his profile I won't say I'm disappointed...just turned off I guess. Not by him. I love my husband and I know he loves me. Just his turn ons are not mine at all.

After viewing his profile I don't know if I can see him as a dominant. After viewing some of the threads here, it seems that he 'needs' that just like (assuming I would go through with it and actually enjoy it) I would need more of a dominant to fulfill what I would be interested in.

I feel like this is a big issue (well, I know it is) and is definitely something we should discuss. I do plan on discussing it, I just want to make sure I am approaching it the least confrontational way or the way he will be the most receptive first. Does anyone have any suggestions? My fear is that I will be honest with him but he may withhold something back from me. I also do not want to embarrass him in any way. I'm not judging him at all, please understand that. That stuff just doesn't do it for me and may upset me a little that he feels like he needs to hide it and that I can not provide it for him.

As I mentioned also, I know he has talked to other girls. In the past I have flipped out and gotten extremely mad because when I have confronted him he has always lied. It's always been lied until finally he will admit if I push it too far I guess. This will make me sound horrible (if we don't already I suppose) but for about a month I flirted with someone online. We did things on cam that my husband does not know about. Really though, should he be mad when he has done the same? BUT, after doing that I can understand that he still loves me. It doesn't mean he doesn't if he's talking to other people, it just means maybe I am not providing him with what he needs. Or maybe I'm delusional. That's a possibility too .

I would like to explain all of this to him, explain I understand why he did it but I'm afraid that I'm going to be completely honest with him about talking to someone (I never met this person, they do not live near me and they did know I was married), about my fantasies, etc. I want him to know but I'm afraid because I've blown up in the past he may not want to share with me and then get upset with me because of what I fantasize about or have done...when I don't feel like that's fair.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

I'm sure we sound dysfunctional, lol. After typing it I can see that. We both love each other very much. We've been through a lot together and I know we love each other, it's just I think we have different ideas now and I might want to explore them but I don't know if I can explore them properly with him. Wow, that's rough to say.

Ok, ok, I'll shut up and stop. Once again, I am sorry this is so long. I've never shared this with anyone so I find it awkward. Thank you for any advice in advance! .
08/06/2011
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Vanessa Weiss Vanessa Weiss
I have twofold advice.

First of all, I wouldn't mention the FetLife thing to your husband, as he might react as though you were trying to "snoop" him and get defensive. But do talk to him about what you both need and want out of the relationship. Sexually, emotionally, physically, financially, whatever. Maybe you can use some of the things you've learned from his profile to get azn idea of what you want to talk to him about.

Secondly, I highly recommend that you consider seeing a relationship counsellor or therapist. It sounds like there are a lot of things in the relationship beyond just sex that you could both benefit from discussing with an outside, trained, impartial person. I don't mean to say that your relationship is OMG, IN TROUBLE, but it *could* be.

Obviously this isn't trained medical/psychological advice or anything, your results may vary etc.

Good luck! It sounds like you and your husband have a pretty good foundation of a relationship, just possibly some stuff that needs to be talked about, aired out and walkred through.
08/06/2011
Ashiki Ashiki
Quote:
Originally posted by Vanessa Weiss
I have twofold advice.

First of all, I wouldn't mention the FetLife thing to your husband, as he might react as though you were trying to "snoop" him and get defensive. But do talk to him about what you both need and want out of ...
Thank you for your reply .

We have talked to a therapist before and I actually have myself for several years (I haven't for awhile but when I was younger I did so I highly recommend them and think they can be wonderful if you find the right one.) Without already seeing someone now, I think I would have a hard time opening up about this (not necessarily about specifics but just generally with a new person)

For the most part we are fine in other areas other than sexually. We have had a lot of problems in this area in the past but they seem to be ok now. I had some problems when we started dating and when we were first married when I was having a lot of pain (they could not confirm it was endometriosis but I think it probably was) and I had to have surgery. Since then things have been a lot better from what he says. We are having sex more often and he says a lot that loves what we are doing. Financially we are fine. We have problems in the past but we have worked through those.

The reason I wanted to mention Fetlife was I think because it did have some things like someone mentioning texting him. He says he's not but that's pretty clear that he is. One thing alluded to that he may have actually met someone or it could have just been play. I would like to know. I can't say I won't be upset but I'm trying to be honest and open and I would like the same in turn but since he's lied to me in the past about this stuff I'm afraid he will again.
08/06/2011
HotMama2three HotMama2three
Be honest. It's hard, but so is marriage. Leave anger out of it and he should respond in kind. Tell him you were curious about BDSM and found fetlife (true right?). Ask him about his curiosities, tell him you browsed profiles. Maybe you can venture into new and amazing adventures together.
07/16/2012
Total posts: 4
Unique posters: 3