Shy about starting BDSM with my husband because he's clueless it's dancing in my mind

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Shy about starting BDSM with my husband because he's clueless it's dancing in my mind

Vnessa Vnessa
At first I didn't even know about this hidden world. I'm naturally a little shy in the bedroom. I never understood why I felt the need to be "led". Call it cliché but after a few books about the subject I started to feel like there might be a missing piece to my puzzle. I think I may be naturally submissive. I also have some anxiety and get tense from work a lot! I thought a little BDSM practice could help release some of those tensions. After what I have read I have found it extremely arousing but I understand a lot is probably fluff lol. I know im not into anything hard core. But I'm curious about how to bring my husband into this concept of play without him thinking I have lost my mind. Not to mention. ..he is clueless to the lifestyle (at least i think he is) and the sexy visions floating around in my little head. Im not sure really where or how to begin. I just know that I think this is something I need/want. Help please. I feel kind of green and all over the place with this. Wherected does a new couple begin? What if I hurt his feelings by implying our current love making isn't enough
12/06/2014
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Inquisitor Inquisitor
Have you ever asked him what he thinks about playful restraint? You know, something like using a scarf to tie your hands to something you when you play? I'd start small and build up to hand cuffs and spreader bars.
12/06/2014
Vnessa Vnessa
Quote:
Originally posted by Inquisitor
Have you ever asked him what he thinks about playful restraint? You know, something like using a scarf to tie your hands to something you when you play? I'd start small and build up to hand cuffs and spreader bars.
We have used a little bit of playful restraint only when I initiated it on him first. Each time I think he was so caught off guard that he kind of laughed a little. He participated but I just couldn't tell if it was his scene. I would love for him to just take the reigns and be the total Dominant That is just so not what we have been about though. I'm not saying I want that every night. But I really want to feel what that would be like from him. He's ex-military so I know he has it in him. I've just never seen that side of him. He's almost old fashioned when it comes to how he treats me which is nice. I have always struggled with communication so I know I need to try and do this in a way that his ego remains in tact, I get what I'm looking for, and he understands the concept, without me making him feel uncomfortable, and me looking unrecognizable after 18 yrs of marriage. I almost feel like he and I BOTH need a class for beginners lol. I want to delve a little bit deeper than playful I think. Maybe that's not such a good idea until I can get him to stop giggling? ??
12/06/2014
Inquisitor Inquisitor
Quote:
Originally posted by Vnessa
We have used a little bit of playful restraint only when I initiated it on him first. Each time I think he was so caught off guard that he kind of laughed a little. He participated but I just couldn't tell if it was his scene. I would love for ...
Sounds to me like you just might want to try talking to him. I'd start out by letting him know that the regular sex is good and that you've been thinking about him being a little or a lot more Dominant on occasion in the bedroom. Feel free to tweak that last statement to your audience. Ask him how he feels regarding the issue and move from there.

You should know that not everyone is cut out to be a Dom and if this is what you want, you both should probably seek a how to guide or hit up a class or two on the subject. This way, you know what you will be in for. Communication and Information are the keys.
12/06/2014
Vnessa Vnessa
Quote:
Originally posted by Inquisitor
Sounds to me like you just might want to try talking to him. I'd start out by letting him know that the regular sex is good and that you've been thinking about him being a little or a lot more Dominant on occasion in the bedroom. Feel free to ...
Very well stated, thank you. Trying to find good information has been a bit of a challenge. Do you have any suggestions for someone who is completely new? I just don't want to end up online looking for information and end up in a place that could get me in trouble based on my innocence to the subject.

I know you are also right about the ability of a Dom. I've thought about that and would never want to make him feel uncomfortable if it's not in him to do. It's definitely not for everyone. And maybe, after some more information, I may find that I won't be able to put myself into a submissive role like I'm hoping either. So many unknowns. A lot to learn and discuss for sure.
12/07/2014
Inquisitor Inquisitor
I'm not entirely sure how to help, but the following information could be a good starting point. If you know what specifically you want to change? If so, I'd highly recommend, if this service is available to you, dropping by your local sex positive adult store and popping into a class. This option isn't available to everyone and there are a lot of adult stores that do not participate in educating the public.

Another option could be to grab an educational movie. Tristan Taorimino has made a few guides that cover a variety of topics that you might or might not want to indulge in. These movies are educational as well as entertaining. Dr. Ava Cadell, Nina Hartley and the movie studio Wicked have also made a few instructional movies as well. Personally, I'd watch a video that addresses my interests and watch with my partner. Then I'd discuss the aspects we both find arousing.

Time to grab some popcorn, your spouse, a blanket and the couch. You guys have some research to do!
12/08/2014
Vnessa Vnessa
Quote:
Originally posted by Inquisitor
I'm not entirely sure how to help, but the following information could be a good starting point. If you know what specifically you want to change? If so, I'd highly recommend, if this service is available to you, dropping by your local sex ...
Thank you! You rock! We now have at least a direction to head in ( cheesy grin). I appreciate all of the suggestions and I look forward to a full investigation! Time to send the teenager off for a sleepover now lol.
12/08/2014
OH&W, Lovebears OH&W, Lovebears
Quote:
Originally posted by Vnessa
At first I didn't even know about this hidden world. I'm naturally a little shy in the bedroom. I never understood why I felt the need to be "led". Call it cliché but after a few books about the subject I started to feel like ...
One can find anything on the internet now days. Inquisitor has given some good advice on where to look and start. Sounds like you have the "Itch" to do this and will succeed without offending him.

Perhaps you can starting with some light spanking. We both found out the other enjoyed it. Never knew ! Now we look for excuses to punish the other. Bare bottom, of course !
12/08/2014
Inquisitor Inquisitor
Quote:
Originally posted by Vnessa
Thank you! You rock! We now have at least a direction to head in ( cheesy grin). I appreciate all of the suggestions and I look forward to a full investigation! Time to send the teenager off for a sleepover now lol.
No worries, remember, tell your friends and don't forget to tip the wait staff. We are here all week and also accept tips (Just Kidding or am I ...).
12/08/2014
Vnessa Vnessa
Quote:
Originally posted by Inquisitor
No worries, remember, tell your friends and don't forget to tip the wait staff. We are here all week and also accept tips (Just Kidding or am I ...).
Funny! Humor is good at a time like this. I have a feeling I may need to record some of this. Knowing my partner and I, it may turn into a complete comedy! Oy vey lol. Enjoy your evening.
12/08/2014
Inquisitor Inquisitor
Quote:
Originally posted by Vnessa
Funny! Humor is good at a time like this. I have a feeling I may need to record some of this. Knowing my partner and I, it may turn into a complete comedy! Oy vey lol. Enjoy your evening.
Oh man, when it doesn't work out, those are some of the best stories later in life. I could tell you some stories about how some of my first time experiences were anything but the best experiences.

Relax, its only sex and as long as both of you guys are having a good time and no one ends up getting hurt, consider it a good trial run. You can always improve.
12/09/2014
charletnarouh charletnarouh
Books like "When Someone You Love Is Kinky" "The New Topping Book" "The New Bottoming Book" "S/M 101" "Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns" are all great places to start. You can also go to a local sex shop, preferrably one that is BDSM/leather lifestyle friendly, and lots of times the clerks there are really helpful and some even offer classes. Or try looking into local kink events in your area, munches, discussion groups, not play events so it won't be anything scary or intimidating, just getting to mingle with kinky people or a discussion. Most people in the community are really open and friendly and love to educate. Good luck.
01/19/2015
Vnessa Vnessa
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
Books like "When Someone You Love Is Kinky" "The New Topping Book" "The New Bottoming Book" "S/M 101" "Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns" are all great places to start. You can also go to a local ...
Lots of great information to check out! Can I ask what a "munch" is? I obviously have a lot to learn
02/07/2015
titth titth
You can also check out fetlife.com which is a bdsm based community where you can find local support groups and other like minded people in your community as well as tons of great information getting into bdsm. As well as safety when evolving different play since even the simplest of ties ( rope around wrist ) can cause nerve damage if not done and watched carefully.
02/08/2015
Vnessa Vnessa
Quote:
Originally posted by titth
You can also check out fetlife.com which is a bdsm based community where you can find local support groups and other like minded people in your community as well as tons of great information getting into bdsm. As well as safety when evolving ...
Thank you! Question about fetlife. Will random people try contacting for hookups lol. That's the last thing I need to try and explain I was going to get an account but all the screen names I kept coming up with had been taken so I finally shut it down. I need to spark some creativity before I go back in I guess! Lol
02/10/2015
OH&W, Lovebears OH&W, Lovebears
Quote:
Originally posted by Vnessa
Thank you! Question about fetlife. Will random people try contacting for hookups lol. That's the last thing I need to try and explain I was going to get an account but all the screen names I kept coming up with had been taken so I finally shut ...
Popped in there once or twice last Fall and not back since. To me, it's a "Scary" place. Too out there and too big for me.
02/10/2015
Vnessa Vnessa
Quote:
Originally posted by OH&W, Lovebears
Popped in there once or twice last Fall and not back since. To me, it's a "Scary" place. Too out there and too big for me.
Uhhhh...yeah lol. I am finding that out as well. I sort of feel like the little lamb being led to slaughter. One wrong turn and I was looking at nothing but open vagina shots!! lol
02/10/2015
OH&W, Lovebears OH&W, Lovebears
Quote:
Originally posted by Vnessa
Uhhhh...yeah lol. I am finding that out as well. I sort of feel like the little lamb being led to slaughter. One wrong turn and I was looking at nothing but open vagina shots!! lol
The next time I went I turned on the private browsing window. col
Total of 3 times and not visited since. Hope the forum picks up here so will not wander. Soon cold spell will be over and I will be able to go outdoors again. Oh, that also means more yard work and drats spring cleaning.

Yes, I know
02/11/2015
Inquisitor Inquisitor
Quote:
Originally posted by OH&W, Lovebears
The next time I went I turned on the private browsing window. col
Total of 3 times and not visited since. Hope the forum picks up here so will not wander. Soon cold spell will be over and I will be able to go outdoors again. Oh, that also means ...
Is it really cold where you are O.H.? I'm a few miles south of you and its been great here. Too bad it hasn't been colder and snowing in the mountains. I could get some snowboarding in this year.
02/12/2015
Vnessa Vnessa
Quote:
Originally posted by OH&W, Lovebears
The next time I went I turned on the private browsing window. col
Total of 3 times and not visited since. Hope the forum picks up here so will not wander. Soon cold spell will be over and I will be able to go outdoors again. Oh, that also means ...
I hate the cold. I was made for warmth, sun, sand, and oceans. Snow, only if I choose to visit it . So, I will be glad when winter is over here as well. I really live in the wrong state.

Im brand new here so I'm so glad to hear things are picking up! I have enjoyed the conversations and topics a lot.
02/12/2015
Inquisitor Inquisitor
Quote:
Originally posted by Vnessa
I hate the cold. I was made for warmth, sun, sand, and oceans. Snow, only if I choose to visit it . So, I will be glad when winter is over here as well. I really live in the wrong state.

Im brand new here so I'm so glad to hear things ...
Vanessa, any chance you want to come visit California? Today where I'm at its a cool 76 degrees on a nice bluebird day. The only thing is you would have to bring your own water. We are having a bit of a drought.
02/12/2015
Vnessa Vnessa
Quote:
Originally posted by Inquisitor
Vanessa, any chance you want to come visit California? Today where I'm at its a cool 76 degrees on a nice bluebird day. The only thing is you would have to bring your own water. We are having a bit of a drought.
California is one of my favorite places. You are So fortunate to be there. Today's hi was 20! Do you know what that does to the skin? I am drowning in moisturizer and body butters just trying to keep my skin from chapping and drying out. I think I may have actually been a California girl in a past life lol.
02/12/2015
Inquisitor Inquisitor
Quote:
Originally posted by Vnessa
California is one of my favorite places. You are So fortunate to be there. Today's hi was 20! Do you know what that does to the skin? I am drowning in moisturizer and body butters just trying to keep my skin from chapping and drying out. I ...
It is possible, you might have been a California girl in a previous life. I just hope you were living in a city closer to the beach and not a city like Stockton or Bakersfield.

Oh, and yes. I do know how 20 degree weather can dry out your skin.
02/12/2015
Vnessa Vnessa
Quote:
Originally posted by Inquisitor
It is possible, you might have been a California girl in a previous life. I just hope you were living in a city closer to the beach and not a city like Stockton or Bakersfield.

Oh, and yes. I do know how 20 degree weather can dry out your ...
I was most definitely living close to the beach. If not right up on it lol. All of our vacations consist of being beach side and bikini clad with flip flops lol. That is my happy place!!
02/12/2015
BusyMe BusyMe
Look up some stuff on what DOM's do and buy some stuff try some stuff. I suggest getting the 50 shades of grey electrodes, some nipple vibes, and glass dildos. After he ties you up however that goes down be the person you are a submissive. Tell him wht you'll try. Those are nice and easy ones that won't get you into trouble in the I don't want to be hurt area.

oucho electrodes... stimulates with electricity
link

Nipple clamps
link

Hot and Cold Play with dildos can be a bdsm thing.. There are a few ideas to try. Well they are on my list.
02/12/2015
Vnessa Vnessa
Quote:
Originally posted by BusyMe
Look up some stuff on what DOM's do and buy some stuff try some stuff. I suggest getting the 50 shades of grey electrodes, some nipple vibes, and glass dildos. After he ties you up however that goes down be the person you are a submissive. Tell ...
Thank you for the links and suggestions! The nipple clamps were actually already on my wish list The oucho electrodes are a bit new to me so I added them I haven't tried any glass didos so that would be a new experience.
02/12/2015
OH&W, Lovebears OH&W, Lovebears
Quote:
Originally posted by Inquisitor
Is it really cold where you are O.H.? I'm a few miles south of you and its been great here. Too bad it hasn't been colder and snowing in the mountains. I could get some snowboarding in this year.
I think you are more than a few miles, more like 131 plus or minus a few. Anyway when it's over 88 degrees, I'll be smiling. I have more shorts and tee's than long pants and shirts.

Looks like you got your wish, it snowed in the mountains last week. A few of my friends took this wk off and went snowboarding.
02/12/2015
OH&W, Lovebears OH&W, Lovebears
Quote:
Originally posted by Vnessa
I hate the cold. I was made for warmth, sun, sand, and oceans. Snow, only if I choose to visit it . So, I will be glad when winter is over here as well. I really live in the wrong state.

Im brand new here so I'm so glad to hear things ...
Same with me. Prefer to be warm than cold. Moved to a warmer area 9 yrs ago. It's nice here from May to about Thanksgiving. I guess Indiana and that part of the country suffers this time of the yr. Seems like nothing but cold fronts. At least you're not getting snowed in like Beantown.
02/12/2015
OH&W, Lovebears OH&W, Lovebears
Quote:
Originally posted by Inquisitor
Vanessa, any chance you want to come visit California? Today where I'm at its a cool 76 degrees on a nice bluebird day. The only thing is you would have to bring your own water. We are having a bit of a drought.
Oh Inq, ole buddy,
Don't forget to tell her about the traffic and HOUSING PRICES.
02/12/2015
Vnessa Vnessa
Quote:
Originally posted by OH&W, Lovebears
Oh Inq, ole buddy,
Don't forget to tell her about the traffic and HOUSING PRICES.
Yeah, housing is insane so we continue to suffer here. When I do get out to CA it's usually for business. I get to sit back and relax and let the driver deal with all the mess of traffic
02/12/2015
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