Feeling inadequate. Male with sex woes.

averageguy averageguy
I am a male in my late twenties. My past few girlfriends I have been able to please through sexual intercourse without them "having to do the work."....my current girlfriend and *fingers crossed* hopefully future wife I am not so lucky.

The reason I am posting here is because I am insanely in love with my girlfriend, she is the one and I plan to propose. And I want to be able to please her and be the lover of her dreams. But I feel I am failing....Shes never complained and I've asked her several times but she dismisses the topic and says "everything is fine, you're great." But i don't feel that way...I feel like shit..worthless in fact.

Simply put I am having difficulty bringing her to climax through sex. I can go down on her and get her to come without issue, she can get on top of me and get it herself but I am starting to feel inadequate.

I have tried doggy style, missionary, spooning, her on her side and me on my knees as some kind of missionary/doggy style concoction. But alas we always have to resort to her getting on top....or I eventually come myself and she says don't worry about it.

I don't think my past girlfriends have been faking it, (100% positive on some), so I don't doubt myself being capable of making it happen to some degree. Nor has there ever been a negative comment about my penis size.

Is my girlfriend just very difficult to get off?
Am I not arousing her enough (There is foreplay but do I need more? I do go down on her.)
Am I out of shape? (6ft, 194lbs, Been a year since I hit the gym)
Is there a better position????

I've tried all kinds of thrusting techniques and speeds. Doing everything I can to go as long as I can. At one point I tried so hard I thought I was going to have a heart attack or break my dick off.

I've been reading websites, books, magazines...I need some female help... I am losing my mind and in fear of losing someone I love terribly because they will grow tired of my ineptitude. She is into the sex and always seems to enjoy herself but when it comes to orgasm...unless she gets it herself or I go down on her....it's not happening.

Tell me what to do.
02/02/2011
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Harlot O Harlot O
Quote:
Originally posted by averageguy
I am a male in my late twenties. My past few girlfriends I have been able to please through sexual intercourse without them "having to do the work."....my current girlfriend and *fingers crossed* hopefully future wife I am not so ... More
In my experience (and the experiences of the women I have spoken with), it is uncommon for a woman to be able to achieve climax vaginally. Every woman I know achieves orgasm far easier via clitoral stimulation (whether that be on it's own or in conjunction with penetrative sex.)

If you want to be able to get her off while you have intercourse without her having to 'do the work', perhaps introducing some clitoral stimulating toys into the mix could help?

Otherwise, I usually come first and then my male partner comes during penetrative sex. That method never lets us down to ensure everyone is happy and satisfied afterwards.

Also, remember - that orgasm (yours as well as hers) is not the be all and end all of a mutually pleasing sexual encounter.

Good luck!
02/02/2011
Vaccinium Vaccinium
I agree with most of what Harlot Overdrive wrote, the difference being that my wife actually wants me to get the hell off her after she's had an orgasm.

My wife is much like your girlfriend, and I generally had to give her an orgasm after I was finished, since she rarely had one while we were having sex. Once she started using a vibrator while we are having sex, she has an orgasm during sex far more frequently. So, getting her a toy to stimulate her clitoris, or one of you using your fingers, would be a good option.

More foreplay can help too. I know when my wife is especially aroused, she has an orgasm far more readily and quickly than when she is just normally aroused.
02/02/2011
Lucidity Lucidity
I'm going to agree with what Vaccineum and Harlot Overdrive have said; they've both made great points. Getting a small finger vibe or bring a small toy into bed is usually a good thing. That being said, if you can get her off with oral, why not do that? And more foreplay is also, usually never bad.

I really have to say, forget about past girlfriends. Even if you are 100% sure you've gotten them off with intercourse-- which, I don't know how you could possibly be, considering some women are really good fakers. Everyone's different! Be thankful that she knows what she likes and can climax at all. Some women can't, or don't know how.

You can't fail with more communication. Have you sat down and asked her what she likes? What turns her on and gets her off? I assure you, just because she's not getting off every time, doesn't mean she's not fulfilled. And if you want her to get off every time, go down on her. I would for sure not be complaining if my boyfriend got me off with oral every time we had sex
02/02/2011
Crash Crash
That's a tough one man. Penetration just may not be her thing. Keep trying to talk to her about it, but don't worry yourself or her too much about it. She might be self conscious about not being able to orgasm for you.

My girlfriend's favorite position is with me on top and her legs up over my shoulders. It's a good position for deeper penetration. You can also work on using one hand to stimulate her clitoris during penetration if that's what she needs. Keep working on it, you'll figure something out.
02/02/2011
averageguy averageguy
Thank you all for the tips and advice, I will try the clitoral stimulation. I've done it before...can't remember the feedback. I am not sure how she would feel about a toy but I will ask! We're moving in together this month so we'll have plenty of time to try.

Trying to work on the communication without beating the topic like a dead horse or making it uncomfortable.

Perhaps maybe I am making this a bigger issue that necessary.....idk.....

I really appreciate the responses.
02/02/2011
Vaccinium Vaccinium
Quote:
Originally posted by averageguy
Thank you all for the tips and advice, I will try the clitoral stimulation. I've done it before...can't remember the feedback. I am not sure how she would feel about a toy but I will ask! We're moving in together this month so we'll ... More
Keep in mind that she may very well say she doesn't need or want a toy. My wife said this, but I bought her one anyway. She enjoys sex sooooo much more now with it.
02/02/2011
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Crash
That's a tough one man. Penetration just may not be her thing. Keep trying to talk to her about it, but don't worry yourself or her too much about it. She might be self conscious about not being able to orgasm for you.

My ... More
Thats my favorite position too! It works really well but I also need clit stimulation and do like your girlfriend.

Averageguy, I think a lot of women are like your girlfirend. I can acheive orgasm but not from oral, so lets say your girlfriend is pretty awesome if she does! I have a harder time getting to orgasm and I never have orgasmed from oral sex, so I don't think its hard for her compared to me.

I need to have clitoral stimulation. My boyfriend in all the 6 years we've been together has never made me orgasm without my helping hand (stimulating my clit or me doing cowgirl).

I don't think it has to do with your skill but rather with the way she needs to be stimulated. Maybe you could find positions that allow her to rub her clitoris on your pubic bone as you penetrate her. That way as you thrust the friction stimulates her and since you're doing the thrusting you're getting her to the climax.

I am going to second the belief that the prev girls were faking it.
02/02/2011
leatherlover leatherlover
I would agree with the others, you need not to worry. My wife can only orgasm while she is on her back. Even though we can get her close in other positions, she has to be on her back for her to orgasm. It is frustrating for her, but we live with it. My wife loves it when I can get her to orgasm with my penis, but I would say that it doesn't happen that often, maybe once a month. I usually like to give her an orgasm during foreplay, and if I don't and I go first, I usually will finger her afterwords and she gets off very quickly. I sometimes worry that she won't be happy, but she always is.
02/02/2011
Eliza Eliza
I think you're worrying a bit too much, but I also think your girlfriend would be flattered that you really care so much about pleasing her that you're seeking help.

While I have no idea about your past girlfriends, it's better to avoid comparing women. It would probably make her uncomfortable if you brought the comparison up to her, and because all women are different, it doesn't really matter.

I definitely have to agree with everyone about adding clitoral stimulation. I've only ever had an orgasm from penetration alone maybe two or three times. If you stimulate her clitoris with your fingers or with a toy during penetration, you'll probably have a lot better luck. And if not, just go with what works and what you both already enjoy.
02/02/2011
ScottA ScottA
You can try using your hand to stimulate her clit, or you might also want to try what used to be known as the "CAT", where you move up relative to her which puts more pressure on her clit area. Another possibility is multiple positions. Start off with you on top, get her worked up and then roll over so she can move to hit the right spots but doesn't have to do all the work.
02/02/2011
clp clp
Its not you, its her. Her way to orgasm is different than roads you may have travelled before, and thats not something to worry about. As everyone else has said, it can be difficult for a lot of women to reach orgasm without clitoral stimulation. Regardless, there's very little you can do to change how her body creates orgasms.

While you are focusing on things you could be changing, it could well be a case of her not knowing or being comfortable with your taking the initiative. She may honestly not see a problem in having orgasm during sex. She may be apprehensive to talk about it, or not be at a point in her life/relationship with you that she even wants to deal with it. I, myself, hardly orgasm during sex but that is at the VERY bottom of my concerns. Intimacy and fun are at the top--that we both enjoyed eachother and ourselves, feel close, giggled, whatever we like to do that makes sex worthwhile.

There are two different approaches to good sex. One is shaped like stairs, and imagine orgasm at the top and all the steps below it are those preconceived ideas of what you need to do in order to reach it. Lets say the steps lead up with: kissing, touching, foreplay, oral, penetrative sex, orgasm. The problem with this approach is that if you never reach the top, you feel like the time has been wasted or you are doing something wrong. But what about all the other steps? Weren't they just as important? Putting pressure on yourself or your partner to reach orgasm starts to take away the fun of it. If it isn't going to happen naturally, it probably isn't going to happen (unless you are into forced orgasm, but thats definitely meant for another thread). The other approach to good sex is shaped like a circle. All around the circle, you can include anything you like: kissing, anal, toys, bondage, cuddling, spooning, wacky positions, slapping--really, the options are endless (and meant to be tailored to you!). The idea with this approach is that you can start wherever you'd like, do whatever you'd like, and any way you go at it, it counts as good sex. Orgasm is just another option on the circle; it isn't required in order to be called good sex.

I know how frustrating it can be to be in this kind of position. I'm sure she appreciates that you want to get her off just as much as you want to, but try to back up a little bit and let her drive the car. As long as she knows that you are willing to help, eager to get her there and patient to make sure she enjoys it along the way, she will come around. And if she keeps telling you its not a problem... at some point, you're just going to have to listen to her.

Crossed fingers!
02/02/2011
Tuesday Tuesday
Another aspect to consider is that if she feels like you're just waiting and waiting for her to get off - if she feels pressure - she may never be able to climax. I absolutely HATE it when guys ask "Did you come?" I will from that point on feel pressure.

If she says you're great, believe her and relax. She may be like me and just wants to do the things that feel great without worrying about whether she actually comes or not.

Some women have such a hard time climaxing with men, orally or vaginally, that you're just not going to be happy if you make that as your success criteria.
02/02/2011
Lucidity Lucidity
Quote:
Originally posted by Tuesday
Another aspect to consider is that if she feels like you're just waiting and waiting for her to get off - if she feels pressure - she may never be able to climax. I absolutely HATE it when guys ask "Did you come?" I will from that point ... More
Oh my god... the phrase "did you come?" instantly kills my girl-boner and makes it impossible for me to climax.
02/02/2011
Illusional Illusional
Quote:
Originally posted by Lucidity
Oh my god... the phrase "did you come?" instantly kills my girl-boner and makes it impossible for me to climax.
ARGH, yes.

My boyfriend was so intent on me cumming, I felt like he staring into my soul, burning through my skin. I couldn't relax.

I agree with Tuesday, I'm one of those women where I really really enjoy the sex, but sometimes I don't orgasm but I'm so happy anyways it doesn't matter.

Just take her word for truth and don't pressure it.
02/02/2011
averageguy averageguy
CLP, that was beautiful...and brought a lot of perspective.

I understand what you're saying, Tuesday, and I think I haven't done that kind of damage. I'm off to see her, I'll report back in the next few days.

I'm really not trying to do this to cause harm or for my own sake...just concerned about being a good lover. But these replies make me realize there is more to being a good lover besides orgasm. Not that I've been a horse with my blinders up and going only for that. There is a lot of intimacy...this was just a concern of my own.

Thank you all. Truly!
02/02/2011
UnknownGirl UnknownGirl
Just one question; why would your past girlfriends not want "to do the work?" For me that's most of the fun. Kind of like the old saying "It's not the destination, it's the journey." Maybe you're current girlfriend is the same way. Maybe she needs to do the work in order for her to climax. Comparing sex partners to each other (even just to yourself) is never a good practice. What works for one may not work for another. To assume otherwise is to to tread dangerous waters. Every person is different and has different needs.

Also, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you're so concerned about her being able to orgasm, make it about her. You keep saying "I," not "we." You say "I" 35 times in one post. You say "we" once. Seems to me the real problem (and true purpose of this topic) is your damaged pride and how to restore your perceived emasculation. Your final statement says it all; "Tell me what to do." Again, all about you. What you should be asking is; "What can I do for her?" (Which, by the way, is much better use of the word "I.")
02/02/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
What every body else said hit it on the head. (Pun intended.)

In most studies and surveys about 95% of women do not orgasm through intercourse alone. I know I only orgasm through intercourse if I have already come, and My Man used to be able to get me off with oral sex (that was our "thing" and still is) but my body changed and now I have to have a vibrator, or I simply don't come. He gets me about 99% of the way there, orally, but then, like some women, the vibe has to do the rest of it. Without the oral, forget it, nothing will happen for me. We use the vibe in the middle and then go back to what we were doing before. Nothing is better than his going down just as I start to come from the vibrator. He can keep it going for more than 5 minutes, by performing oral sex after I start to come and nothing is as good as that.

"Doing the work" is part of the FUN. My Man LOVES giving me head and learning to enjoy it and knowing you have a good way to help your woman find her orgasm is great! (I like the term "help a woman find her orgasm" rather than "make her come" because then if she doesn't.....)

You have a FANTASTIC WAY to help your woman find her way to orgasm. USE IT!

I don't know how old your woman is, but as many women get older they become multi orgasmic. My first orgasm is a bitch, (I mean to get to, it feels great. It's just difficult to get to some of the time.) but after that ANYTHING (including giving him head) will help me find more orgasms. So, look forward (but don't push) to the future when mulitorgasmic times may be ahead.

In the meantime, be thankful something works for her. Oral sex is amazing, it;s our favorite thing, ever. My Man and I have been together for more than 20 years, and sometimes we don't even have PIV intercourse, we get so involved in the oral sex. It's our "Thing" and we run with it. (Even if a super powered vibrator-massager has to be part of the process at one point in the session.) Be glad she is having orgasms, and celebrate them.

ENJOY HER!
02/02/2011
Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
What every body else said hit it on the head. (Pun intended.)

In most studies and surveys about 95% of women do not orgasm through intercourse alone. I know I only orgasm through intercourse if I have already come, and My Man used to be able ... More
I am with P'Gell on this one! My husband and I have been having sex with each other for 18 years and for me, at first, it was so easy to orgasm from oral; for many years it was that way. However, as I have gotten older things have changed. It is harder and harder to get that first orgasm, but once I get it (notice I say I get it, not he gives it to me) then I can usually have many more, which was never the case in the first 10 years we were married.

We almost always incorporate some sort of toy, whether it be a dildo, vibrator or hi-speed/powered wand, in our sex play. If we get off great...if not, there is always later or tomorrow. I have found that I have to have oral or a vibrator or ride cowgirl to orgasm that first time, or I have to be extremely horny and deprived!

The Insignia clit vibe from LELO might be a less intrusiveness toy introduction, if she is new to toy play or feels weird about it. It is small enough that it would not necessarily get in the way and sexy enough that she might be intrigued by it. You could get it as a surprise for her, while her ankles are wrapped around your neck you can strategically place it on her clit (being waterproof - you could even use it on her in the bath or shower). I know I would love it if my husband did that.

Good luck. Don't worry about it. She'll work it out.
02/03/2011
SexyStuff SexyStuff
You are really sweet to care! I have a hard time finishing too, and I wish my husband would take a more proactive attitude on helping like you. well done.
02/03/2011
That Guy That Guy
Yeah homeboy, just echoing what everybody else is saying, a lot of women just have a hard time reaching orgasm through sex. Not much you can do about it, just try to get her there in other ways.
02/03/2011
Vaccinium Vaccinium
Quote:
Originally posted by Tuesday
Another aspect to consider is that if she feels like you're just waiting and waiting for her to get off - if she feels pressure - she may never be able to climax. I absolutely HATE it when guys ask "Did you come?" I will from that point ... More
We men are not subtle beings. If you want us to stop asking "Did you come?", it needs to be perfectly obvious to us when you do. I'm not talking about some moaning reminiscent of an over-acting porn actress, but something obvious to us would help.
02/03/2011
Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Quote:
Originally posted by Vaccinium
We men are not subtle beings. If you want us to stop asking "Did you come?", it needs to be perfectly obvious to us when you do. I'm not talking about some moaning reminiscent of an over-acting porn actress, but something obvious to us would help.
My husband would second your thought here! He always tells me that men simple creatures. And they are not nearly as complex as women make them out to be. He says if men say there is nothing on their mind and nothing is bothering them, they really mean there is NOTHING going on in their head...NOTHING! I have learned that this does seem to be an accurate representation for the most part.

So when he asks me to let him know if I am coming, he really wants me to say the words, "I'm coming!" I do and I'm happy and so is he. Funny.
02/03/2011
LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
Quote:
Originally posted by clp
Its not you, its her. Her way to orgasm is different than roads you may have travelled before, and thats not something to worry about. As everyone else has said, it can be difficult for a lot of women to reach orgasm without clitoral stimulation. ... More
Well said!
02/07/2011
Woman China Woman China
Everyone has said exactly what needs be said.

You can have her cum from oral, be happy you can make her cum!!!! It may not be through penetrative sex, but you can through oral. You are doing better than a lot of men out there!!!!

Communicate with her. Talk to her about it sometime, just remember. Don't put pressure on her, and stop putting pressure on yourself.

OH OH OH!!!! Try the we-vibe!!!!! That might help!!!
02/07/2011
SexFeind22 SexFeind22
Quote:
Originally posted by Lucidity
Oh my god... the phrase "did you come?" instantly kills my girl-boner and makes it impossible for me to climax.
i second that
02/08/2011
Total posts: 26
Unique posters: 20