Partner has lost interest in sex

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Partner has lost interest in sex

LunaLuthor LunaLuthor
Recently I have seen a sharp decline in my partner and I having sex. He is still attracted to me physically and mentally. We love each other very much but he only wants blow jobs and anal sex. He even said himself that he is selfish and doesn't not want to give me oral or vaginal sex because he doesn't get pleasure out of it. He loves to finger me but only the way he wants to, he likes to over stimulate me and that's the only way he gets satisfaction. He has apologized my times over for not wanting to pleasure me they way I want and has suggested he stop asking for blow jobs and anal sex. I enjoy those things very much and I don't want him to stop asking but I can't help but feel jealous of him. He gets everything he wants sexually and I get only 5% of what I want. I do have a heightened sex drive but for younger people (we are in our early 20s) we only have sex vaginally once or twice a month. I understand that he doesn't want it because he can't feel through the condom and he is circumcised. He has also said that it takes a lot more for him to be "in the mood" to have vaginal sex. Once he wanted a blow job and I offered to let him lay there and let me fuck him and I'd finish him in my mouth but he said quickly never mind I don't want it anymore. I was appalled! He says it is not me but I can't help but think if I was tighter or more attractive (which he already says I am) or something he would like it more. He also only gets off to rape and other hardcore images but he is reluctant to act them out with me because he says that he cares for me and would never want to hurt me. It is my fantasy to be submissive and he has a very dominate personality. I have no clue what to do and there seems to be no compromise since he has to be "in the mood" for everything and that mood is so easily broken. He only want to please himself and tells me he can't just do the things that I want.
11/02/2012
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Lady of the Lab Lady of the Lab
It sounds like it's his problem, not yours, in that he doesn't want what you want. A partnership should involve the pleasure of both partners, not just one. : / I honestly don't think being tighter or more attractive would change his desires.

Also just because someone has a dominant personality doesn't mean that they are a good dominant.
11/02/2012
indiglo indiglo
Was this his attitude before, even when he was having vaginal sex with you? Did he give you oral (and the things you needed/wanted) previously?

Or has this always been his attitude, he just was more willing to do that stuff before?
11/02/2012
indiglo indiglo
Quote:
Originally posted by Lady of the Lab
It sounds like it's his problem, not yours, in that he doesn't want what you want. A partnership should involve the pleasure of both partners, not just one. : / I honestly don't think being tighter or more attractive would change his ...
"Also just because someone has a dominant personality doesn't mean that they are a good dominant."


That's a GREAT point. Some people are just sickos and use that as an "excuse". A good dom does care about the pleasure of his sub very much.
11/02/2012
LunaLuthor LunaLuthor
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
Was this his attitude before, even when he was having vaginal sex with you? Did he give you oral (and the things you needed/wanted) previously?

Or has this always been his attitude, he just was more willing to do that stuff before?
He was more willing before when we were first together. I am his first sexual partner. I could always tell something was up but he would still like to do it more often. Even now he claims he still likes to have vaginal sex with me but he just never desires it.
11/02/2012
Ansley Ansley
I'm not usually one to throw this out there, but I have to wonder if he isn't "in the closet" so to speak.

When you do have anal and/or vaginal sex, is it always in the doggie position?
11/02/2012
LunaLuthor LunaLuthor
Quote:
Originally posted by Lady of the Lab
It sounds like it's his problem, not yours, in that he doesn't want what you want. A partnership should involve the pleasure of both partners, not just one. : / I honestly don't think being tighter or more attractive would change his ...
You are right about it not being my fault but I just can't help feeling that way. It's a self-esteem killer.
11/02/2012
LunaLuthor LunaLuthor
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
I'm not usually one to throw this out there, but I have to wonder if he isn't "in the closet" so to speak.

When you do have anal and/or vaginal sex, is it always in the doggie position?
Most times, I have even thought that too! His mom even thought he was gay at one point so it's not just me. He says that he he not into that and I know he would never lie it just doesn't look good. I try not to pass judgement on anyone's sexual tendencies...but still that thought has crossed my mind.
11/02/2012
LunaLuthor LunaLuthor
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
"Also just because someone has a dominant personality doesn't mean that they are a good dominant."


That's a GREAT point. Some people are just sickos and use that as an "excuse". A good dom does care about the pleasure of his sub very much.
I understand what you mean about dom/sub relationships, at first I thought he cared about my pleasure until we got our under-the-bed restraint system. Our session lasted 45min-1hour and I didn't orgasm once he just used me, I didn't really mind it until he didn't want to help me orgasm afterwards.
11/02/2012
Lady of the Lab Lady of the Lab
Quote:
Originally posted by LunaLuthor
You are right about it not being my fault but I just can't help feeling that way. It's a self-esteem killer.
Mhmm, I understand that feeling because that's how I felt with a previous partner. If I were in your boots I would seriously consider ending the relationship because it's not worth having your self-esteem crushed. I believe a relationship is meant to boost self-esteem, regardless if it is a BDSM one or not.
11/02/2012
Lady of the Lab Lady of the Lab
I have to say when I originally read this post that I thought the description would include that your partner's been under a lot of stress, not feeling well, etc. because personally those reasons have led to times when I have lost interest in sex. However that doesn't seem to be the case (correct me if I am wrong), which leads me to believe that the issue lies with conflicting desires.

I was with an ex who I loved very much, who I hoped would one day want to perform oral on me (not because I expected qui pro quo, but because I know oral is something I like). But once I realized that would never happen, I broke up with him (in addition to other reasons) and I am much happier being with a partner who shares my desires.
11/02/2012
Supervixen Supervixen
Ask him if he thinks you expect to be in a relationship with a selfish lover who has no interest in your pleasure. Are you a sex toy or a person? Ask him how it feels to be unable to satisfy his girlfriend. Ask him if he's proud of being a shitty lover.

Selfish lovers are not worth keeping around. If you love someone, if you care about someone, then you should love pleasuring them, and you should care about their pleasure. If he's tearing down your self esteem, then he's hurting you and you don't deserve that. He doesn't want to hurt you with a rape fantasy reenactment because he cares about you? Gee, that's funny. He seems totally cool with hurting you by denying you sexual pleasure and shredding your self esteem to bits. And yeah, if he gets no pleasure from vaginal sex or giving oral... I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like he may very well be in the closet. Maybe he says he's not into it, but a lot of people spend time in denial before they are willing to consider the possibility that they might be gay.

I'm trying really hard not to insult your selfish boyfriend, and it's hard for me to do that, because I CANNOT STAND selfish lovers, and I want to scream in your face about how much you don't deserve to be treated this way.

Sex is not for one person in a relationship. It's for both people. You are not an object for him to use to get off. Stop blowing him. Stop giving him anal. See how he likes it when you're denying him pleasure. If he leaves, for God's sake, let him go. Find someone who enjoys making you happy and satisfying you. Find a good lover, have fun, and let this guy go off and either work his shit out or find some other poor woman to use.
11/02/2012
indiglo indiglo
Well, I don't really know what you can do here. You might want to sit down and have a heart to heart with him.

After that, it seems like you have some choices to make. Things will either change and this will turn into the relationship of your dreams (doubtful), -or- you can choose to stay in a relationship where you get no sexual satisfaction & you feel bad about yourself, -or- you can leave and try to find a partner who will actually value you and your pleasure.

Seriously though, you can't change people. If he doesn't see this as a problem and doesn't want to change - he will not change. So that leaves you with some life choices to make.


I'll also say this, I don't think it's fair to say "We love each other very much." His actions don't sound like the actions of someone who loves YOU very much. Love is not a noun, it's a verb - an ACTION word. He may say he loves you, but his actions prove otherwise.
11/02/2012
Supervixen Supervixen
Can I also point out that being circumcised does not make a man incapable of feeling sexual pleasure, vaginally? Did he tell you that? Because as a Jewish woman who has had her share of Jewish lovers, I can promise you that that is not the case.

Also, a lot of people use condoms. Yeah, maybe it feels better to have sex without anything on your dick, but that sounds like just another excuse.

And your level of attractiveness or tightness is not the issue...at all. HE IS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. Stop thinking that if you change something about YOU, it will make HIM want you more.
11/02/2012
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Supervixen
Can I also point out that being circumcised does not make a man incapable of feeling sexual pleasure, vaginally? Did he tell you that? Because as a Jewish woman who has had her share of Jewish lovers, I can promise you that that is not the case. ...
"And your level of attractiveness or tightness is not the issue...at all. HE IS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. Stop thinking that if you change something about YOU, it will make HIM want you more."

Damn skippy.

OP - you've got a mess on your hands here and you don't have to just lie there and take it. A healthy relationship has a healthy sex life.
11/02/2012
Beck Beck
I'm sorry, but if he tells you that he can't do the things that you want, then he's not a good partner for you. He is telling you he is selfish and doesn't want to change. You can't do anything to change him. He doesn't want to. The only thing that can be done is moving on or dealing with it. If you are having self-esteem issues because of this. Then you should move on.

Also, I think I have to agree with Stormy's original post. I don't try to call judgement, but it sounds a lot like a guy who is trying to say he's straight because he is dating a girl, but doing all the things he would get with sexual relationship with a male. Perhaps he needs to do some soul searching himself?
11/02/2012
LunaLuthor LunaLuthor
Quote:
Originally posted by Supervixen
Ask him if he thinks you expect to be in a relationship with a selfish lover who has no interest in your pleasure. Are you a sex toy or a person? Ask him how it feels to be unable to satisfy his girlfriend. Ask him if he's proud of being a shitty ...
Thank you, I am understanding more and more about how my reasoning is flawed :/
11/02/2012
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by Beck
I'm sorry, but if he tells you that he can't do the things that you want, then he's not a good partner for you. He is telling you he is selfish and doesn't want to change. You can't do anything to change him. He doesn't want ...
I'm with Beck on this - time to move on.
11/03/2012
Total posts: 18
Unique posters: 7