Is a sexless marriage reason for divorce?

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Is a sexless marriage reason for divorce?

K101 K101
So I was reading this article a while ago where this woman divorced her husband because he witheld sex. Actually, the title and description made it sound like the woman divorced him solely because he absolutely refused to have sex with her, but as I read on to the end, I learned that it wasn't really all about sex alone. She divorced him because yes, there was no sex in 2 years at all, but mainly because there was no passion, and when there is no passion of course it results in little to no affection and sex.

Anyways, so basically she left because of the sexless, loveless and passionate-less life they lived together, which I can understand because it cannot be very healthy to continue in what wouldn't be a happy marriage.

But my question to you lovely people is this: Honestly, thinking about it, putting yourself in this type of situation where you're married and you guys have NO sex for 2+ years, would you leave? Would you feel right leaving only because of that or would you stay? This is assuming you'd already tried to rekindle the passion and all. What do you think you'd do?

I am asking because I actually, when putting my own self in this situation, could not even answer it myself. I really do not know what I would do. If I'd leave or stay. I really just can't imagine a sexless, passionateless and romatic-less love life between myself and my own partner. We're the exact opposite, but if things just died, I think I'd be terribly unsatisfied. I mean no passion? No more romance and crazy fun we have together. I don't think I could handle it, not after having it all. I couldn't handle it suddenly disappearing, but had I never had it? I don't know.

Just an interesting topic, I thought. So do you guys want to share how you'd feel? Or are you someone who's been there? Care to share?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I would divorce if there was no sex.
34
I would not divorce if there was no sex.
6
I have no clue, for Pete's sake stop asking me hard questions!
3
I've been there (care to share?)
3
I would divorce, only if we'd tried and failed at rekindling the passion, love.
34
Other.
7
I'd only divorce if the passion and love was gone, but not the sex.
16
Total votes: 103 (85 voters)
Poll is closed
12/18/2012
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travelnurse travelnurse
I would think that lack of sex and affection would be grounds for divorce. I wouldn't believe that the person actually cared for me. You can have a roommate not a spouse.
12/18/2012
PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
Been there, done that!

My first marriage started off okay. I thought we were in love, and though he wasn't the most romantic person in the world, he was affectionate; at least in the beginning. Like a typical relationship, we had things that were stressful in our lives, we ended up having children, and we were busy with life in general. I always did everything I could to keep us connected, but he just didn't care. Did we go 2+ years without having sex? Not quite, but having sex once every 4 months and having it be bland and making me feel like I was only being used wasn't exactly nice either.

We stopped kissing each other, stopped hugging each other, and I eventually left the bedroom and started sleeping in another room. He never said anything nice to me, no matter what I did, no matter how I looked. He acted like he never wanted to talk to me or be around me. We were literally living as roommates with two children to care for. He started having this huge attitude toward me, I hated it! After having a serious conversation, he agreed to counseling and started going on his own before we would go together. Counseling wasn't helping because he refused to listen to anything the counselor said. He admitted to me that he had been lying about things and acting like living with me was worse than it actually was. He broke down and told me he wanted to try (he did this every so often), that he was going to be different, that he missed me, etc. I felt bad; this was the man I once loved so much I decided I wanted to be with him forever. I gave him another shot. I went to bed with him that night, we 'made love', and I thought we'd be on the right track. The next morning, it was like nothing had even been said the night before. I stayed with him another two months, hoping this 'change' would happen, and when it didn't, I told him I was leaving.

He got on his knees, begging me for another chance, but he had exhausted them, and there was no way I was going to invest one more second into someone that was only willing to try when they thought they'd get something out of it.

It wasn't an easy decision to make. I stayed with him for a long time practically living like we were roommates because I had a child with him. I don't even understand how we got pregnant the second time because I have no memory of having slept with him for months prior. But it happened. Having two children, it's hard to think about them coming from a broken home, having to share custody, going days at a time without seeing them. I was so torn in my mind on what I needed to do.

I was losing myself. I didn't care about how I looked or what I did. I was in a haze and just going through the motions. I would go weeks at a time without leaving the house. I wouldn't step outside for days. I felt like I was nothing. It was a horrible situation to be in. When we were working things out I had so much emotion in it all. It was when tears wouldn't even come to my eyes that I realized I no longer had emotional investment in our relationship.

It wasn't an easy decision, but it was one I had to make. Sex wasn't the biggest issue, it was how the whole relationship died. Sex should be one of the last things to go when you're struggling with your partner. It's something that makes you feel connected to them, something that produces 'feel good' chemicals in the body, and is necessary. When sex goes, it takes a lot right along with it. Being emotionally absent from your spouse is grounds for divorce, in my opinion. It's no longer a union, 'for better or worse' goes out the window.

So I guess after my extremely long post I'll say this, yes, a sexless marriage is grounds for a divorce if your partner is emotionally absent from you (which is commonly the case).
12/18/2012
Trysexual Trysexual
Depends on other variables like kids, pets and other concerns and whether or not there was any open marriage arrangement (assuming it was a good relationship other than the no sex part).

I've kinda been in this situation, but wasn't married. Now that it is over, I am happy, but there were other considerations that kept us together and the lack of sex was due to several factors, not anyone's unwillingness to have sex. That and lack of communication.
12/18/2012
phoenixfire phoenixfire
I probably would have answered this poll differently before I had a son. Now, I have to really think about it. My husband and I have gone through phases (thankfully temporary!) wherein we just felt like roommates. We were able to talk it through, with counseling in some cases, and now we're doing much better.

Divorce is extremely hard on a child, and we promised each other before we had children that we would never ever get divorced, period. I would have to weigh that against how hard seeing his mother and father with absolutely no love between them day in and day out would be on my son. I would probably need a second opinion from a professional to really decide.
12/18/2012
nikki0668 nikki0668
I feel sex is not a requirement to stay married. If a couple truly love each other, that's all that matters. My grandmother, after having 6 children, had her tubes tied. My grandpa didn't think that was fair, so he also went and a vasectomy done. Well, back in those years, I guess they really didn't know what they were doing, and the vasectomy made him impotent. He was never able to get an erection again. This did not affect their marriage at all. They loved each other very deeply and never divorced.
12/18/2012
Beck Beck
It would depend on why it's a sexless marriage. If it's due to impotence, then no I wouldn't. However, that partner would have to understand that I am not impotent and have needs. If they can't fill them needs...then I have to have someone who can. That relationship would be strictly sexual.

If the person just has a low sex drive and we have tried to work on it with no luck. I would have to tell them the same thing. I don't have a low sex drive and needs that need met. So, I'd have to have a strictly sexual relationship.

In either case, if the party wasn't okay with that...I would divorce them. I can't be happy with no sex and if they deny me that. I can't be happy with them.
12/18/2012
quinceykay quinceykay
I'd only use it as grounds for divorce if we'd already tried repeatedly to rekindle the passion and fix our sex life and it wasn't working, and there were problems in other areas.
12/18/2012
Voir Voir
Sorry but I couldn't stay in a passionless marriage. Doesn't mean it has to happen frequently and sometimes there are dry spells but continuous non-intimate contact? Nope. Not unless there are medical reasons involved - that's an entirely diff. ballgame and there would prolly be methods researched to still enjoy ourselves.
12/18/2012
Zandrock Zandrock
I would likely get a divorce
12/18/2012
Bethy Cassatt Bethy Cassatt
No clue. I know many older couples who are just friends. They just don't worry about it. It's not their thing anymore, and they still enjoy one another on an nonsex level... I suppose I'd consider a break if we weren't friends anymore.
12/18/2012
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Had done it. In fact, my nine year marriage was never consummated.

We married each other for the wrong reasons and we were wrong for each other, period. We would have been good friends, but we made lousy spouses for each other.

His low libido with mother fixation (along with passive-aggressiveness and lack of responsibility) had him blaming me for "scaring his libido away" and "sabotaging his attempts" by "getting worked up about a genital sneeze".

I stayed with him, trying everything to work this out. He refused to believe there was anything wrong with him (because it was "my fault"). I didn't want to be alone. I also didn't want to lose my writing partner.

By year six, I was starting to day-dream of not being married to him - somebody killed him, he died in an accident, etc. Incidents in which I wouldn't hurt him by leaving him. Year eight finally had me mentally working through the scenarios of me actually telling him it was over and leaving. I needed more than the kiss and cuddle he could only offer - I needed a responsible, mature, passionate man who respected me as his equal and didn't want me as his mommy.

This was one of the contributing factors of how I ended up on a bridge and trying to find which rock below would crack my head open on one jump. He ate my soul alive, and I had nothing else to lose by killing myself. I ended up in a crisis center that night. We separated about two months later when I gathered enough energy to tell him it was over. At least he took it with grace and didn't put up a fight. Because of the lack of sex, we had no children to arrange for.

Never again. Fear will not direct my actions or relationships any more. And I need passion more than I thought I did. That is a necessity for me.
12/18/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Lack of sex would be enough for me to end a marriage.
12/18/2012
Ansley Ansley
I strongly believe that unless it was due to a medical condition I could not suffer a sexless marriage. It means too much to me in how I define my connections to my husband and if we haven't had sex in three days, I really start to freak out about things and wonder if we need to communicate. (Normally, it's nothing to worry about just life getting in the way.)
12/18/2012
indiglo indiglo
It would depend on why there was no sex for me, like a few others have commented. An illness or injury that left my man unable to have sex would NOT do it. If it was due to low sex drive, I'd want to try to figure out what was going on there - so I can have all the pieces of the puzzle before making a decision.

Sex is definitely a factor in a relationship for me. I look at it like this: when my sex life is good, it's just a small (wonderful) part of my relationship, but when it's bad - it's a HUGE part of my relationship. If that makes sense.
12/18/2012
Pink Lily Pink Lily
I think if we aren't having sex then there are other problems in the relationship. I doubt that a previously healthy sex life just ends without any other influences, whether from the relationship or medically. I see not having sex as a symptom of a larger problem, and if that larger problem is significant enough it could definitely be grounds for divorce.
12/18/2012
StayceeO StayceeO
Quote:
Originally posted by travelnurse
I would think that lack of sex and affection would be grounds for divorce. I wouldn't believe that the person actually cared for me. You can have a roommate not a spouse.
I voted yes but if there was some sort of medical reason causing us to not have sex then I'd be more understanding and willing to work through the issue.
12/18/2012
- Kira - - Kira -
I'd try to rekindle things before just getting a divorce. I'd even probably try sex therapy and counseling. I'm really not a fan of divorce. However, if all that failed and nothing was changing, yes I'd leave.
12/18/2012
Anne Anne
my boyfriend's mother divorced his dad because she was sexually frustrated... he converted to Catholicism and thought that sex was only used as a means of procreation, and nothing else, not even pleasure.
12/18/2012
damnbul12 damnbul12
Quote:
Originally posted by K101
So I was reading this article a while ago where this woman divorced her husband because he witheld sex. Actually, the title and description made it sound like the woman divorced him solely because he absolutely refused to have sex with her, but as I ...
I'd only divorce if the passion and love was gone, but not the sex.
12/18/2012
mistressg mistressg
Wow...tough question.
12/18/2012
Missmarc Missmarc
Quote:
Originally posted by K101
So I was reading this article a while ago where this woman divorced her husband because he witheld sex. Actually, the title and description made it sound like the woman divorced him solely because he absolutely refused to have sex with her, but as I ...
I would divorce if there was no sex.
12/18/2012
EdenUser EdenUser
I'd only divorce if the passion and love was gone, but not the sex.
12/18/2012
poetprincess poetprincess
Quote:
Originally posted by K101
So I was reading this article a while ago where this woman divorced her husband because he witheld sex. Actually, the title and description made it sound like the woman divorced him solely because he absolutely refused to have sex with her, but as I ...
I would do it, sadly you need passion and affection in a relationship, I should have left my ex way before i did but I didnt and i kept trying, even though him and I were both pulling away. him so far as to the point where he cheated on me. it hurt but I knew it was coming, I was on the verge of cheating too.
12/18/2012
Falsepast Falsepast
I'd break it off if we could but didn't have sex
12/18/2012
Mrs.Tee Mrs.Tee
Quote:
Originally posted by K101
So I was reading this article a while ago where this woman divorced her husband because he witheld sex. Actually, the title and description made it sound like the woman divorced him solely because he absolutely refused to have sex with her, but as I ...
sex makes up a good part of the marriage so if theres no sex i dont think that i would want to be in the marriage either
12/18/2012
Bleu Bleu
I believe you can actually legally get divorced and it's perfectly okay if they are like "Sexless marriage, void marriage contract, no monies or benefits for you." Like, I think if the husband or wife is rich and makes a claim to where there was no sex then they can also claim they owe them nothing.

Usually without sex, every bit of passion and love can be gone, especially if they are young enough to enjoy it. Even old people fuck like bunnies.
12/19/2012
Martiniman Martiniman
I'd do everything possible to save the marriage first, but if that failed, yes I would divorce.
12/19/2012
Robespierrethecat Robespierrethecat
I'd definitely think about leaving someone if there was no hope of rekindling the passion.

It's an important aspect of relationships for me. If I just want a best friend to live with, then I can do that . But if I want a spouse/partner, I want to at least have mutually romantic/passionate feelings.
12/19/2012
Supervixen Supervixen
If we tried and it didn't help, absolutely. I think when sex and passion leaves a relationship, barring some kind of physical ailment (and even then, something would have to be worked out, because I would not become celibate for the rest of my life), then that's a sign that the relationship has fizzled out. Lack of sex and passion would leave me not only feeling unsatisfied, but unloved and unwanted. I couldn't live with that.
12/19/2012
Total posts: 61
Unique posters: 52