Hurt, need to vent (kind of long)

Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
So the chap I really liked, and one of the only men I've ever felt completely safe and comfortable around, seems to have lost interest.

He works as an EMT and goes to school, so I knew going into it that he wouldn't have time to see me much. So for the most part it was just sharing texts (neither of us are huge fans of phone calls), and for a while it was fine. After a little bit, he stopped contacting me, leaving it to me to guess when he was free and initiate all the conversations. That right there probably should have raised a flag, but I'm overly patient in matters like that and hate being suspicious. Then his ex moved back in, apparently having been beaten half to death by her new boyfriend and having no place to go, but he remained affectionate in his messages to me and didn't sound too happy to have her around, so I was okay with it.

It was a short while after this, though, that he got really hard to get a hold of. Three months of near-silence and, idiot that I am, I remained optimistic and kept trying. He claimed later that he'd been under a lot of stress and didn't want to take it out on me, and I accepted that. He remained a bit difficult to catch off-duty, though, and a month ago he said something that really hammered it home.

I'm planning to start school myself, a two-year vet tech program, this coming fall. When I told him, he said he was happy for me, but he also asked that I let him know where I'm working when I'm done. It's not a malicious comment, but it's also not something you say to a person that you're eager to see again. I've tried thinking that maybe he feels, with both of us so busy, that we wouldn't have any time to see each other (though I'd be willing to try, just as I've patiently waited to hear since September if he's free to see me), but I've been so embarrassed for bugging him weekly this whole time that I haven't said a word to him in a month. One would think he'd see the change in behavior and show some concern, but he hasn't contacted me either except to wish me a happy Easter, and as far as I can tell hasn't even noticed.

I don't know if he got back together with the ex or not (though before he went out with me, he admitted he'd had sex with her a few times after they broke up, which I was okay with), but whatever the case I'm fairly certain he's not interested in me anymore. Which hurts like hell, because I was pretty infatuated with him, and I usually get really scared when guys ask me out. I'm lonelier than I was even before we got together, and I feel like a complete moron for letting myself keep my hopes up this whole time. Part of me wants to try one more time, but since in retrospect I don't know if he was terribly interested to begin with I'm not eager to make him feel bad if he didn't even realize he was leading me on.

Thanks to those of you who read this whole thing, I just needed to get it out in full somewhere.
04/14/2013
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Sammi Sammi
I'm sorry to hear that . It sounds like he has lost interest - I'm terrible with advice, but I think I'd let him go and move on.
04/14/2013
indiglo indiglo
Awww, sorry to hear that! I'm not so good with advice either, but I can relate 100% to feeling even lonelier after a breakup. I remember one in particular where I just felt angry - I had been happily single for a while, and then went out with this guy for a couple months when he ended it. And then I felt lonely, when before I LOVED being single.

Maybe make some plans to take really good care yourself during the next week? Like a mani or a pedi, a massage, or whatever special stuff you like. After that breakup I mentioned, I went out, got my ears pierced and bought myself the guitar I'd been wanting. Hang in there!
04/14/2013
spiced spiced
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm not going to burden you with advice, either. It sounds like you know what the deal is — but it SUCKS to be treated that way. If it's any comfort, I've been strung along in a similar way, and so have LOTS of other people. It would be a much better world if more people had the balls to just tell other people how they really felt, even if it's unpleasant, instead of torturing them with false hope.
04/15/2013
Ryuson Ryuson
I think that you should try and tell him how you're feeling. It seems like there are 2 options:

1) He really isn't as interested in you any more, either because he's more into his ex or he's just gotten a bit over you after not seeing or talking to you as often.

2) He realizes that it's tough for you two to talk, and is hoping that after you both get out of school you can spend more time together. He's just really busy, you're really busy, and he wants to be closer to you when it's better for the both of you.

Either way, I think that mentioning to him that you miss talking to him, and asking him about why he hasn't been talking to you (not with any hostility, of course) would help to clear things up.

I totally know how you feel. Many of my friends never text me first, so I get how that can hurt. We're here for you!
04/15/2013
bratcat bratcat
Quote:
Originally posted by Ryuson
I think that you should try and tell him how you're feeling. It seems like there are 2 options:

1) He really isn't as interested in you any more, either because he's more into his ex or he's just gotten a bit over you after not ... More
i think ryuson is offering up some really good advice. While the outcome may not be one you want to hear, it may help to make you feel better in the long run by letting him know you miss him and ask why contact between you to began to dwindle, as well as letting him know you were/are romantically interested in him.
I know his field of work is very darning and the hours can be kind of crazy, so it could be that he's trying to focus more on work right now than his relationships. It also seems like you both are going to have busy/conflicting schedules starting soon, so it could have been easier for him to try and terminate contact - not that, that is a good reason to do so.
The main thing here is until you ask him why and how he is feeling about the whole thing you wont know. The direct approach is usually the most affective, and like i said, while it may not be the answer you want to hear but it will at least put your mind at ease.
I hope this helps some. i know these things can be really hard i've been in very similar situations and i wish you the best!
04/15/2013
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Thanks for all the kind words and support, guys. I know I can always count on the folks on Eden.

Funny thing is, I can't get mad at this guy, even though that seems to be the sensible reaction (my mom was certainly pissed when she heard, and her husband offered to break the guy's legs for me). Part of me feels that I don't really have a right to be angry, since we never established if we were actually trying to start a real relationship or just having fun. I have next to no dating experience, so I'm kind of clueless when it comes to that sort of thing. Another part of me just has trouble getting angry at someone who was a friend when we were kids, at a time when I didn't have many.

And Ryuson, your suggestion is quite possibly the best route, and believe me when I say part of me really wants to do just that. It'll take a massive amount of courage-building though. I'm normally okay with being straightforward (the two other people I've dated just never clicked with me, and after a few deep breaths I was able to go right ahead and break things off calmly and honestly), and I can live with it if he's really not into me, but I'm just so incredibly embarrassed that I kept bugging him when he might have just thought we were short-lived thing to begin with. I know it's stupid to feel like that and there's no reason for it, but it's there.

I know I could do it face-to-face, but the odds of him dropping by are pretty slim and I know he's so tired from work that inviting him over wouldn't really be cool. If/when I go through with it, I'll certainly let you guys know. Until then I'll just say again that I really appreciate that you guys even bothered to read my little sob story. You guys are the best.
04/15/2013
earthmama earthmama
Whatever you do, just don't give up on love or on yourself! It's perfectly okay for feel let down, especially when you've tried so hard to be patient, and wait for the timing to be right for you two. These crummy experiences are honing your instincts, not just teaching you life lessons. It may take a while, but you will get to the point that you are happy being single again. Being in school will help distract you. Try to connect with other people, girlfriends, family, anything. If you feel lonely, try to spend time with people. Spending time taking care of you is important.
04/15/2013
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by earthmama
Whatever you do, just don't give up on love or on yourself! It's perfectly okay for feel let down, especially when you've tried so hard to be patient, and wait for the timing to be right for you two. These crummy experiences are honing ... More
Oh I haven't given up, trust me. I wasn't very happy being single previously, though - I feel lonely almost constantly, often to the point of tears. Most of the people I can legitimately connect with to stave off this feeling are also extremely busy and/or live too far away for me to spend time with them when I really need it. Thinking there was someone who was really interested in me took the edge off. This is another reason why the whole situation hurts so much.

But I am looking forward to school. Aside from finally getting to do something I'm sure I'll enjoy immensely, there'll be the chance to meet new people who share at least one interest with me and hopefully forge friendships out of that (my mom is rooting for me to find a new man while I'm there, hahaha!).
04/15/2013
Pete's Princess Pete's Princess
Moving on from him seems to be the best choice right now. Even if he is totally into you, he does not have the time, energy or desire for a real relationship. That is not fair to either of you.

Are you really satisfied with just texting? Don't you think you deserve more? It may be right guy, wrong time. My husband and I dated in HS, broke up and moved on with our lives. We got back together years later and we have an amazing relationship.

If you do not want to confront him, just stop texting him. If he really wants a relationship he will text you. That way you do not have to feel embarrassed because you are the one choosing where the relationship goes instead of giving him all the power. Some men like to chase after a woman. I had a boyfriend who was afraid of getting too close. When I would make him the center of my attention, he would pull back and act uninterested. When I stopped pursuing him, my house looked like a florist and he was calling me all the time.

Also, be aware of your own motives here, are you holding on to him to avoid getting out on the dating scene?
04/20/2013
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Pete's Princess
Moving on from him seems to be the best choice right now. Even if he is totally into you, he does not have the time, energy or desire for a real relationship. That is not fair to either of you.

Are you really satisfied with just texting? ... More
A reply mixed with a mini-update, hooray!

"Satisfied with texting" - of course not. But it's what's available and it staved off the loneliness just enough. I don't enjoy talking on the phone (I really prefer face-to-face) and neither does he.

I did stop texting him, like I said, for over a month. But after building my courage a bit, I gave it another try today just to see what happens.* I realized that to stop entirely so abruptly, leaving the hurt to fester and let it turn into anger, would be the kind of thing my dad would do and I will not do that. I've decided simply to text him much less often, and let it peter off more quietly if that's what's going to happen. The sudden stop was beginning to eat away at my conscience since it seemed such a cruel thing to do.

As for avoiding the "dating scene" that is a part of it, but I've never been on it actively to begin with. Even as lonely as I am, I'm shy around men in those situations. On the rare occasion that I'm asked out, it's usually by some stranger who's only been talking to me for a few minutes, which I don't like - if they took just a bit more time it might be different, but none of them ever cared to do that (and whenever I found a guy I might ask out myself, he always had a girlfriend already). For me to genuinely like a man as a potential romantic interest and feel safe around him is very, very rare, which is probably why I was holding on. I am (nervously, shakily, confusedly) trying to ready myself to be more active on the dating scene, but it truly is foreign ground to me.

*(I have found out that he probably didn't get back together with his ex. She's leaving soon and he sounds relieved as all hell. I'm not sure if it's okay for me to feel relieved or not.)
04/20/2013
karenm karenm
I'm very sorry to hear that you have been hurt by this. It sounds to me like he has moved on but hasn't told you. I mean, a rule of thumb is that people will go where they want to go, and try to be with a person if that is their goal. So if a person stops contacting you (even if they do like you, but are just lazy or busy), there is really no excuse.

I was in a similar situation once, so I know how it feels. I knew that it was probably too late, but I just wanted closure of knowing that it was over and that there was nothing more I could do.

Unfortunately, I was young (16), so I didn't approach it the right way. It was over a summer and I contacted him around five times, each time being more upfront about it. I think this caused him to get defensive and avoid me. And when he finally did tell me, it was very uncomfortable for both of us and he wasn't interested in remaining friends.

I think what I should've done (and what you should do) is contact him once and gently say something like "I get the sense that you have moved on. Please tell me if this is the case." This leaves him room to easily say, "Yes, sorry", and leaves you less embarrassed than if you bared your feelings (which will be implied).

Good luck, and hopefully you will find someone else you are comfortable with who will put you first and not leave you wondering about their feelings.
04/25/2013
snowminx snowminx
I sort of know how you feel, I was in a similar relationship and right after we had sex for the first time he completely stopped talking to me. I know it might really hurt but I would try to confront him and just move on if it seems like he has moved on. At least you didn't have a physical relationship with you and then lose interest. It doesn't mean it hurts less but it does make things more simple and less embarrassing.
04/27/2013
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by snowminx
I sort of know how you feel, I was in a similar relationship and right after we had sex for the first time he completely stopped talking to me. I know it might really hurt but I would try to confront him and just move on if it seems like he has moved ... More
Actually, this is the guy I had sex with for my first (and thus far, only) time. We did manage to see each other a couple of times before he started school, and the last time I saw him we spent a little time in bed.

It's not a decision I regret - I wanted to, he wanted to, and it was incredibly nice. What I regret is not determining ahead of time whether he really was looking for a relationship or if we'd just added benefits to our existing friendship (which runs back pretty far). This lack of foresight on my part is the main reason I don't want to "confront" him per se: since we never said if we were trying to be serious or not, I don't feel that it's fair to accuse him of anything. Since he did remain affectionate for a time, I figured it was the former, but now I'm uncertain. I wouldn't mind if we were just "friends with benefits" if I knew (and that's just not something I feel I can ask over the phone or through texts, at least not at this time. Serious talks like that usually have to be face-to-face for me).

But I don't really think having had a sexual encounter with him makes it any more complicated, and the only thing about having had sex with him that I find embarrassing is that I simply didn't bother asking what he wanted beforehand.
05/01/2013
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Unique posters: 10