Which comes first; the baby, the place, or the piece of paper saying "MARRIED"?

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Which comes first; the baby, the place, or the piece of paper saying "MARRIED"?

Badass Badass 01/25/2012

Me and my guy have been together for two years. Lately, he started talking about the next level, which I had always assumed would be marriage or moving in together, until he shocked me with wanting a child! We don't even live together!

I would love to have his child, but I definitely feel like we are missing a few steps here, or is this just what day in age it is?

That's what this discussion is all about.

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Badass Badass
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Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
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12  (5%)
149  (65%)
Total votes: 231
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unfulfilled unfulfilled
My husband and I have 2 boys and we were married 3 years before we had our oldest. We were dating/engaged 4 years before we got married. We never lived together before we got married.
01/25/2012
KyotoAngel KyotoAngel
Well I'd say the logical order would be living together->marriage- >baby. But I'm more the traditional sort of woman in that way.
At the very least I'd say living together before marriage or a baby is an absolute must.
01/25/2012
Modern^Spank^Anthem Modern^Spank^Anthem
we moved in together way before marriage, we don't own our home and have no kids yet
01/25/2012
Nicky Nicky
My hubby and I lived together before marriage, but didn't have our child until we were married almost 3 years. We are still together.
01/25/2012
Jaimes Jaimes
We lived together about 3 years before we got married. We've been married for over 4 years, and don't have any biological children, but we recently adopted his nephew a week ago. He's a teenager, so a little different than baby. We are about 2 or 3 years away from baby.
01/25/2012
Beck Beck
We had children before getting married, but we lived together. I think you should at least live together first. It would be healthy for the baby if you two lived together and you need to know if you can live together before getting pregnant.
01/25/2012
Undead Undead
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
No screen names will be displayed on vote, so please be honest.
We don't have children but plan to in the next 2-4 years. Just gotta see how things play out. We intend to get married and live alone for awhile before but whatever happens, happens.
01/25/2012
kawigrl kawigrl
no kids yet
01/25/2012
Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
I think it really doesn't matter what we say because it depends on what YOU want to do. If you feel that you need to at least live together before you have child, you really should tell that to your partner. Having a kid is a big deal, so you need to make sure you're both on the same page.
01/25/2012
wdanas wdanas
Personally, I think I'd want a bit more commitment than "hey why not" before having a child. Children raised by single parents can do very well, but why on earth would you start out that way? At least by living together you can share child-rearing duties, even if not actually married. I'd live together a bit before having the child, though; being comfortable in your routine and home-life is very helpful when you throw something so unpredictable as a newborn into it.
01/26/2012
eeep eeep
It seems like a lot of the time babies are not planned these days. The few times I have heard about someone planning for them, it has always been a married couple.
01/26/2012
Zombirella Zombirella
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
No screen names will be displayed on vote, so please be honest.
We are engaged but don't live together yet because with me finishing up my last quarter for my 4yr degree it was best this way. I want to have a child with him and he feels the same but we want to do the whole marriage thing first. But if something should happen before we get our own place or even married it wouldn't be a big deal to me at all. I just want to be married and live alone for a year or two before having a child. I'm hoping this all happens within the next 2 to 4 years. I want to be a mommy so bad but it just isn't the right time for us.
01/26/2012
Jesse-in-TX Jesse-in-TX
Wow...not sure how to answer this one....
In my mind there are some problems with the current institution of marriage.
I have been living with the same woman for 3 years. Not married, been taking care of her 3 kids with her, and we had one of our own 2-1/2 years ago and we have a great relationship.
We have talked about getting married, and we would do it in a heartbeat if we had the money, and we could get around a few other things as well.

One thing she told me lately that was a bit of a shock, was that if it were legally acceptable, she would marry me, and allow me to have other wives as well. So, that's one thing....the other is that we have our disagreements with the what the law in this country and state say about marriage.
But, I suppose a lot of the contingencies of marriage are in place because so many people have abused the privilege and safeguards are needed now.
01/26/2012
Badass Badass
Thank you all very much for your comments and thoughts, you certainly have given me alot to think about. It weird to think that 100 years ago, you HAD to be married to have a child or you were as a woman like... scum of the earth. It so cool but also pretty crazy that in 2012, we can be gay/lesbians couples and raise children, and a woman can have a baby without being married and not sent away like she was getting arrested..

And i wanna send my best wishes to the 3 who wish they could have a baby, best luck to you!
01/26/2012
married with children married with children
my wife an I have 2 kids. We were married for over 4 years before we had our first son. We also waited until we purchased our first home, before having kids.
01/27/2012
leelee leelee
Well we moved in together for 4 years planned our wedding while we were going to college and I got sick and birth control didn't work and i got pregnant.
01/28/2012
SexyStuff SexyStuff
We're having our first baby any day now! We dated two years, got married, got a dog and a house after one year, and now are having a baby at 2.5 years. It is running really smoothly.
01/28/2012
Eliza Eliza
I don't have children, but I figured I would comment on how I want things to go...

Right now I don't live with my partner because we are both in school. I have a year left to finish my master's, and after that we plan on living together. Given that all goes well, I would consider getting married no sooner than after living together for two years. If we ever have children (right now we think we don't want any, but I know that changes), it wouldn't be till after we're married at least two or three years. This puts me around 28 if/when we have kids.
01/30/2012
freda freda
we have kids
01/31/2012
Rossie Rossie
We were married before having my son. Call me old-fashioned, but I like people to be properly married before having kids.
01/31/2012
ellejay ellejay
No children for me. My main thing is that I want to be financially secure before having one.
01/31/2012
richsam richsam
i have kids
01/31/2012
LAndJ LAndJ
We are not married and have no kids. We don't want kids for a few more years and I would like to be married first.
01/31/2012
Willow Wand Willow Wand
I have 6 children, 4 with Master, 1 from my abusive ex husband and 1 with my high school sweetheart. Master is their daddy, they don't know the others.
01/31/2012
Deidrenicole Deidrenicole
I have two boys with my ex husband we both have em 50/50 and we were living together with the first and married with the second but i feel you should live together then have kids then get married and heres why :

reason number one: you dont know how you really feel about one another until you can stand to live with them because you dont really know someone till you see what they are like 24 hours a day

reason number 2: children need both parents for different reasons and should be able to see you both as much as possible so living together is a plus

reason 3: as weird as this sounds just splitting up after having kids is sad but getting a divorce with kids is life changing and heart crushing for everyone involved.

reason 4: having children changes everything including your sex life and the way you act and live with one another your going to have to make comprimises on EVERYTHING to do with raising this child and if you can make it through that and still love each other THEN get married
02/02/2012
AndroAngel AndroAngel
I don't have children, nor do I want them. They're less of a "necessary" step in a relationship than traveling to South America for me.

For those who do want children, however, I'd say living together is definitely a good start. It's unfair to shuttle a kid back and forth between homes.
02/05/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
I honestly wouldn't have a child with a partner who wasn't even committed enough to want to and take the steps for us to live together or even get married.

My Man and I knew we wanted kids. After I finished college, we started looking for houses, we bought one, we moved in and shortly after I found out I was pregnant. We had a wedding planned, so we moved it up a few months.

Many years later and 3 kids later, we are together. He went through the trouble to buy a house for us to live in, as well as an engagement set for me, not to mention supporting the children and myself for years. He stepped up and did a great job, as he continues to do as father and partner.

Living in two different places while having a small child is problematic for many people. Having your partner there to help you during the pregnancy, to be there in the middle of the night when you just can't walk the floors an other hour with the baby, being a role model for the child, supporting you so you can raise the child, if possible, BEING THERE as the father, I think goes without saying. Yes, there are a lot of single moms, but I don't think many of them choose this ahead of time. Not to mention the nightmare of trying to schedule visits during the breastfeeding years. Or after, for that matter.
03/04/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Jesse-in-TX
Wow...not sure how to answer this one....
In my mind there are some problems with the current institution of marriage.
I have been living with the same woman for 3 years. Not married, been taking care of her 3 kids with her, and we had one of ...
Why do you need "money" to get married? If you don't believe in marriage, that's one thing. In our county, $50.00 for a license and a judge can marry you in 2-3 days. That isn't much of an outlay of money.... if you really want it.

A child costs a hell of a lot more than getting married does.
03/04/2012
MamaDivine MamaDivine
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
No screen names will be displayed on vote, so please be honest.
I have two children from my first marriage (which he is still very active, as I am, with the children. We're civil with each other.) We had our son first, got married, then lived together.

My second/current husband and I had two daughters together and we incorporate all children together as equals.

My current husband and I lived together first, baby second, got married. I do things somewhat assbackwards lol.
03/09/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
No screen names will be displayed on vote, so please be honest.
I was actually non-traditional with my children's fathers. I was married and living with Sigel before we had children but we haven't been able to get the border issue settled with Arch.
03/26/2012
InNeedOfABuzzzz InNeedOfABuzzzz
My Fiance has two children that were from a previous marriage. I do not have kids but we are going to try for them, after we get married. The only reason, and I do mean the only reason we believe that marriage should come first is because it makes us feel more secure about raising children together and we want our children to kind of grow in that mindframe, that you get married then have a family.
03/26/2012
ToyTimeTim ToyTimeTim
We have two kids and were together 10 years before having them.
03/26/2012
CindyH CindyH
i lived with the guy for a year before we had a child togethe had he already
had 3 other children by his x i then had one by him but know he is not involved in her life
03/26/2012
Illusional Illusional
Ideally, I would think either the marriage or place comes first.
I want a girly Disney wedding and have been saving bits away. Call it waste a money, call it stupid... it's the only thing I've ever sat down and saved for. I'm a Disney-aholic and they probably brainwashed me when I worked there.
But yeah, the marriage, then house then kids.
03/26/2012
gsfanatic gsfanatic
I'd say at least a place first. You want to know you can live and compromise with a person before you try to share in raising a kid, which is a lot easier as a 2 person job. Marriage depends on the couple. It's something I'd like, but it's not for everyone.
04/27/2012
RomanticGoth RomanticGoth
I would think that marriage would come first, then a place, then children. But, most people don't seem to do that any more. Maybe I'm just old fashioned?
04/27/2012
SouthernBelle SouthernBelle
For us, the house has come first... I don't know if the child or the marriage will come next because we are in a same-sex relationship and neither of those are legal for us in our state. I'm okay either way, as long as we make that commitment together.
05/06/2012
plaidvulva plaidvulva
I am childless. I think it's way too early in my life for that (I'm 21). The order I think it goes, personally, is House -> Married -> Income -> Children. I don't want to get married unless I have a place to live. I suppose an apartment or something can replace the house, but I'd prefer the house. And, I would refuse to have children unless I know I have the income to support them.
05/08/2012
PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
We moved in before getting pregnant...and got married soon after
05/23/2012
ViVix ViVix
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
No screen names will be displayed on vote, so please be honest.
I have a daughter. Her father hasn't seen her in over 2 years since she was 3 months old. No child support either.
05/23/2012
toxie m toxie m
My partner and I may not be married by the time we start a family, but I definitely hope we'd have lived together for a good chunk of time before that point. I think finding out if the co-habitation situation is workable is much more important than the official marriage papers.
05/23/2012
silverdragonfly9 silverdragonfly9
My bf and I lived together for over a year before we found out we were expecting and now we have a beautiful lil girl as well.
05/23/2012
breebree breebree
dont have kids but diff things work for diff people. it's not the 50s anymore.
05/24/2012
That Guy over there That Guy over there
I am biased in that I think it should be Married then Kids. It never works out well when you have the kids first. Someone usually say, "Well, we aren't married, bye." Then it's it's off to the courts to decide how much the other person pays. It also re-starts that whole cycle of parenting that we see all to often. Single parent homes. I am a man who is proud to be an active Dad and I can't stand "Men" who bolt at the first sign of responsibility.

How many episodes of Maury Povich "Is he the Daddy?" do we need before we figure out married then kids.

Sorry to rant but it's a sore spot with me.
05/28/2012
Terri69 Terri69
It's really up to your and your partner, you need to discuss it and come up with a mutual solution.
05/29/2012
CindyH CindyH
we moved in together before we had a child never got married
05/31/2012
Mrs. Tickle and Giggle Mrs. Tickle and Giggle
My husband and I have kids. I had one before him, but we had another once we got together, and I am happy with our decision.
06/01/2012
KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
My fiance and I have been together for almost 6 years and living together for about 5. No kids, but marriage this fall. I don't knock others' choices but for me, it just felt better to do the living together > marriage> house/kids because both are really important life changes and I wanted to know that this would work first.
06/01/2012
nanamondoute nanamondoute
To me, it'll definitely be living together, marriage, THEN children. I want to have an entirely stable environment for my children to grow up in, and marriage would be really important to me. Living together is the test drive to marriage, so that's important too
06/02/2012
babycakess babycakess
There wasn't exactly an option for what we have.

I got married young and found out I was pregnant very soon after. When my daughter was a few months old, her father and I split. He decided he wasn't ready for parenthood.

When she was 18 months old, things started getting serious with this new guy. I actually ended up getting pregnant about 6 months later. We moved in together and our son was born.

Turns out my ex wasn't just a loser, he was also a pedophile. When my daughter was 3, she told us lots of details about her bio dad sexually abusing her. He is no longer in her life and agreed to let my husband (we were not married at the time) adopt her.

We tried to start the adoption process, but in order to do an adoption like that, we had to have been married for at least a year. We rushed to the courthouse to get married and waited. I absolutely love my husband but because of a terrible experience with marriage, I had no desire to get married again.

He adopted her about 2 years ago and things have been wonderful. I don't believe marriage is important. I believe the important part is being loving and committed to your partner regardless of a piece of paper.
06/04/2012
babycakess babycakess
Quote:
Originally posted by That Guy over there
I am biased in that I think it should be Married then Kids. It never works out well when you have the kids first. Someone usually say, "Well, we aren't married, bye." Then it's it's off to the courts to decide how much the other ...
I was married first, then had a kid. My "husband" left me when my daughter was 3 months old and I had been in and out of the hospital with various pregnancy/childbirth related issues. Not all men value marriage. I have a wonderful man who has stood by me through everything and has now adopted my daughter - which is the only reason we got married. No court would grand the adoption without us being married for a year. I have seen far too many marriages fall apart and seen many non-marriage relationship thrive.

Marriage is a piece of paper. For every "who's the daddy" case, you can find a bitter child custody case between a recently divorced couple.
06/04/2012
booboo111926 booboo111926
My husband and i had my son before we were married and now we are having our second.
06/11/2012
MistressDandelion MistressDandelion
We don't have kids, but we want to have them, and a lot of them.
06/26/2012
svalentine;) svalentine;)
i have been with my husband for 10 years and we have been married for alomst 1 year. we had our son before we got married but were living together already. i think it is up to the couple what they want to do
06/27/2012
KRD KRD
I'd definitely want to be living together before taking the next step, whether it be marriage or a child. I don't necessarily believe marriage has to come before a child, but everyone has their beliefs and are entitled to them! It's whatever you want and makes you happy, that matters!
06/28/2012
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
No screen names will be displayed on vote, so please be honest.
Sorry...we are OLD SCHOOL and since our daughter just got married, we know SHE is too. 1. Why have children with someone not willing to commit to your legal and financial care, when having a child is a BIGGER responsibility (YOU can care for yourself or leave that relationship...a child cannot). 2. Marriage is NOT a "social thing of the times", but something that has endured for millennium and there is a reason for it. It provides stability..both emotional, legal and financial. Yes, no question that (sadly) a lot of two parent households don't exist or work anymore, but hard cold statistics still...even today, show children have higher achievement, better financial existence and developmental outcomes when they come from "traditional two parent households". Look at grad schools, medical schools, and any higher education or professional fields and ask what THEIR household situation was (even NEW 20 something grads or those CURRENTLY in grad school) and you find the VAST MAJORITY are from "stable" two parent households. Don't spam me or hit me with nasty comments...I am just pointing out facts YOU can look up. Bottom line, I would never think to have a baby, until I had a RING, a DATE, an I DO, and a STABLE INCOME (or two). Our advice, since you asked. Good luck.
07/03/2012
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by nanamondoute
To me, it'll definitely be living together, marriage, THEN children. I want to have an entirely stable environment for my children to grow up in, and marriage would be really important to me. Living together is the test drive to marriage, so ...
Well said.
07/03/2012
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by breebree
dont have kids but diff things work for diff people. it's not the 50s anymore.
Funny you say that, since current data...like 2012, shows the EXACT SAME statistics exist as they did for the 1950's!!!! A single parent is 80% more likely then a married couple to need public assistance in some form, to raise a child, a child of a single parent is less then half as likely as one from a "stable married household" to attend graduate school....etc, etc. Despite the claims "it's a new day, baby". The fact is, things, in reality have NOT changed....just the NUMBER OF PEOPLE in each situation, has.
07/03/2012
HusbandandWife HusbandandWife
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
No screen names will be displayed on vote, so please be honest.
We only have kids with each other and still married.
07/04/2012
g- g-
For us we had love, a baby, moved in together, and then got married!
07/04/2012
Pinkshirt Pinkshirt
I think living together is very important to have a child. Being married is just a piece of paper.
07/05/2012
woodsdragon woodsdragon
We are waiting until we are married. I (female) am very ready to have children, but my fiance (male) is 5 years younger than me. We have talked about children and know that we want them but we want to wait until we are married and financially stable first.
07/09/2012
Alyxx Alyxx
Of the three, the only one I even want is the place. My boyfriend and I live together, and we are both in agreement that we don't want kids and we don't feel a need to get married.
10/25/2012
Creepellah Creepellah
I have no children.
12/04/2012
burtnuh burtnuh
My boyfriend and I have been living together for 3 years.. and no children. We both just agree that we're not ready. Plus he for some reason is terrified that I'd die giving birth.
12/05/2012
Kitten has left the site Kitten has left the site
We moved in first, got married, now we want a baby. X'D.
01/15/2013
cowgirl1130 cowgirl1130
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
No screen names will be displayed on vote, so please be honest.
me and my b.f. have a 2 year old. we were living with my parents when i got pregnant, then we moved into our own place a couple months later. we are still not married. and i wouldnt change any of it. it just seemed to all feel right.
01/15/2013
Rory Rory
No kids here.
01/15/2013
butts butts
I'd definitely say, move at the pace (and in the order) that you feel comfortable with, it makes no difference if it's "normal" or not.

Personally we don't have kids, and don't want kids, especially not within the next 10 years. We aren't married and aren't interested in marriage. We have lived together since the first day we met in person. That's just us.
01/16/2013
petlove0311 petlove0311
I don't have kids
01/16/2013
LuckyLady LuckyLady
We've been together 6 years, married 4 of those years. No kids now or ever.
01/16/2013
souviet souviet
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
No screen names will be displayed on vote, so please be honest.
No kids!
01/16/2013
nova2014 nova2014
I'm in a relationship and neither of us have children but I'd definitely want to be married to him before I have a kid with him, I don't want to have my kid grow up without a dad if something happens and we never get married
02/17/2013
Toy Fiend Toy Fiend
I dont't have kids, but I want them.
02/21/2013
Stagger13 Stagger13
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
No screen names will be displayed on vote, so please be honest.
Yup-we have two children.
02/25/2013
Cat E. Cat E.
I don't have kids and have never wanted them therefore I would never have any.
02/25/2013
Munko Munko
We have been together for 8 years, living together for 8 years, and our (planned) daughter just turned 1. We are engaged...but I'd be quite content either way, if we do or do not get married (the plan is to get married, though!)

Here, though, where we live...common law is legally the same as marriage. There are no legal differences or "Perks" to becoming married...I could still file for spousal support, etc, etc.

Anyways, I think it's ESSENTIAL to live together before having kids, at the very least. Even after 7 years together, it was a huge adjustment having a baby and learning to function as a team, and still as a couple on top of that. And the first year or so living together is a year of ironing out the kinks, making sure youre compatible in all ways, etc, etc. Doing all of that and working out how to manage being new parents would for most couples be a sure fire beginning of the end.
02/26/2013
Beautiful-Disaster Beautiful-Disaster
I don't have any kids... & I'd def want to be married before having any.
03/06/2013
Total posts: 79
Unique posters: 73
Badass Badass
Again, no names. I just want some stats.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
2  (2%)
17  (14%)
1  (1%)
3  (3%)
9  (8%)
2  (2%)
1  (1%)
1  (1%)
77  (65%)
5  (4%)
Total votes: 118
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01/25/2012
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unfulfilled unfulfilled
I don't know about living the dream part of that statement I voted for, but we were married before we mutually decided to have kids.
01/25/2012
Nicky Nicky
We had been tried before we got married, but it didn't happen until almost 3 years after marriage. We have one little boy.
01/25/2012
Mr. E Mr. E
We were married for several years before our first child. We wanted to make sure we were both ready and prepared for all the responsibilities that come with raising children.
01/25/2012
eeep eeep
We were living separately when I got pregnant, but moved in together during my pregnancy. We are no longer together, and he hasn't helped with much of anything since we split up.
01/26/2012
SexyStuff SexyStuff
I'm glad we waited till we were married to have our baby. There are so many troubled stories on my birth board when you jump ahead of yourself with pregnancy.
01/28/2012
funluvinmama funluvinmama
we were living together and discussed marriage. we hadn't set a date yet but had decided we wanted to marry each other when we found out I was pregnant. we got married before I started to show.
03/25/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
Again, no names. I just want some stats.
Yes and no...I was forced into marriage with Sigel and we were married almost 10 years before I managed to sustain a healthy pregnancy. However, we did live together for a time before marriage.
I wish I could live with my son's father but Canada and the US feel differently. I was not living with him nor married when I got pregnant but we did know we wanted to have at least one child.
03/26/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Yes and no...I was forced into marriage with Sigel and we were married almost 10 years before I managed to sustain a healthy pregnancy. However, we did live together for a time before marriage.
I wish I could live with my son's father but ...
Airen, do the "Anchor Baby" laws not apply to dads? I know when women come here to simply give birth, from other countries, they get to stay, oftentimes, because the baby is an American citizen because s/he was born here.

Is it complicated by the fact that your legal marriage is to Sigel? In some states the woman's "legal husband" is "legally the father" of all children born into the marriage. We really need to get our law system out of the 19th century!
03/26/2012
ToyTimeTim ToyTimeTim
We lived together for eight years before having the first child then got married when she was six months pregnant with the second.

We honestly had no plans to get married but family pressured us to get hitched. What sucked the most about getting married is the tax return, because we were married we lost about half of our tax return. The tax laws have changed since then and we benefit now but there was a time when we thought about getting a divorce just to get the money back. lol
03/26/2012
ViVix ViVix
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
Again, no names. I just want some stats.
We weren't living together, but we moved in together after we found out. Then at 4 months pregnant I left him.
05/23/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Oh. I didn't actually answer the question.

We were together for years. I was living with him part time, while I was in college and when I got my first full time job after I graduated. I lived at home during the week, as it was closer to the City, where my job was, then I lived with him on the weekends.

We bought a house and I planned a day to move in permanently. We were in the midst of planning a wedding. We had been engaged for about a year.

The last night in our apartment, we had sex on our mattress on the floor, and for the first time in our relationship, we didn't use protection. I don't know why. He said he didn't want to pull out, and I said, "It should be OK, I'm in my Safe Time." (Natural Family Planning is a JOKE!) A few weeks later I didn't feel well, we were cleaning up the new house, he was living there and I felt sick all the time.

We took a pregnancy test and it was positive. We were both very happy, as I had been told it would be "difficult" to get pregnant, due to some health problem. ONE TIME! That was all it took.

I was happy waiting until our wedding date, but his parents were breathing down our necks. They wanted us to have a "secret" wedding. Probably so they could lie to everyone and tell them the baby was early or some bullshit. I don't like dishonesty. We moved the wedding up about a month or two, so I could fit into my very simple dress (it was a bridesmaid dress, I didn't want anything too busy or expensive.)

We got married, and I was totally honest with everyone. We talked about the baby at our wedding. I refused to pretend I wasn't pregnant. Unbeknownst to us, one of my cousins had just gotten his girlfriend pregnant, they got married a few weeks later. They did the "pretend the baby was early" thing, but she and I were both in Maternity Intensive Care at the same time. I was in for preterm labor, and she was in due to her diabetes. She admitted to me she was pregnant, *duh* she was in MIC, but I wasn't supposed to "tell anyone." I don't get that kind of lying. With one exception, nearly all the first babies of all my cousins on that side were present at the wedding, usually in utero. One of my cousin's children just had a baby and broke tradition and refused to get married. I admire her strength. My Man and I got married because we were in love and were getting married anyway, some of my cousins (who had shotgun weddings) only got married because there was a baby on the way, and some of them are very unhappy with the choice now.

Catholics.... fertile and often refusing to use birth control.

Yeah, babies are going to happen.
06/04/2012
MistressDandelion MistressDandelion
I have no children but we are married.
06/26/2012
HusbandandWife HusbandandWife
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
Again, no names. I just want some stats.
We were living together and had no plans to get married before we had kids. It's been a long road to travel but somehow we are still together.
07/04/2012
Hermosura21 Hermosura21
Quote:
Originally posted by funluvinmama
we were living together and discussed marriage. we hadn't set a date yet but had decided we wanted to marry each other when we found out I was pregnant. we got married before I started to show.
Same here
01/15/2013
Stagger13 Stagger13
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
Again, no names. I just want some stats.
We were married a few years before the kids came along.
02/25/2013
woodsdragon woodsdragon
We recently got married...moved in together a few months before the wedding. No kids yet, but hope to start a family in the next few years
02/25/2013
ImaGodiva ImaGodiva
I've been married twice. In my "practice" marriage, we were married several unhappy years, had a child, and stayed together a total of 13 years "because of our son". Mistake! In my experience we all would have been happier, son included, if we had found an amicable way to be apart.

In my current marriage, we were married a couple of happy years, had two kids, and now have a total of 12 "living the dream" years.

I didn't regret having several years together before children in either case, it's what worked well for me and my partners.

I think everyone has to decide for themselves what works for them, not decide based on society's "expectations".
03/06/2013
Total posts: 18
Unique posters: 17
Badass Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.

What have your experiences been like? What would you change if you had a time machine?
01/25/2012
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Tagmstr Tagmstr
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.

What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
I would say move in together before having a child with him. Its a whole different world when you live with the person lol!
01/25/2012
unfulfilled unfulfilled
Since you've been dating for a while now, I would consider the next step to be either living together or marriage depending on your beliefs about living together before marriage. I wouldn't consider having a kid without one of those because living together is a WHOLE lot different than dating TRUST ME! We dated for 4 years and once we got married and moved in together there were things that neither of us knew about the other.
01/25/2012
Nicky Nicky
Only thing I would have changed was having a baby sooner. 24 would have been a good age for me to have one.
01/25/2012
PeaceToTheMiddleEast PeaceToTheMiddleEast
I would not change anything. Things happen sometimes for the right or wrong reasons.
01/25/2012
Anjulie Anjulie
Quote:
Originally posted by Tagmstr
I would say move in together before having a child with him. Its a whole different world when you live with the person lol!
Agreed
01/25/2012
T&A1987 T&A1987
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.

What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
i am also 24, with my gf for three years and if i wanted kids I wouldn't have them for another 10-15 years (well, ten i guess) at least. having kids will take up so much time and effort that it will likely kill, or at least wound your hopes and dreams, likely fatally. i there's still something in life you want to do, other than have kids, having kids ill make it near impossible. I don't know what your relationship is like, but I do know that two years isn't enough time to know if a TV show is good or not. or if someone's ready to be president or even get a bachelor's degree. if i believed in marriage and babies I would either get married first, or at least wait until common law marriage went into effect (or would go into effect in most states). intentionally having a child with someone you've only been with for two years isn't a leap of faith, it's jumping springfield gorge.
01/25/2012
eeep eeep
I think a couple needs to live together and know that can work in order to know if they can raise a child together. I don't think marriage HAS to come first, but if it is a planned child I think it would be a good thing.
Being a single mom, I understand what a commitment having a child is and how much of a strain it can put on a relationship. It is longterm and the other person will always be in your life, honestly it is a bigger commitment than marriage (because you can't get rid of the other parent no matter how much you may want to someday). My child's father loved kids and was great with them (and we had a solid relationship), and seemed excited about us having one (despite being young), but then went onto his 'last hurrah' of partying, etc. Which never ended and just got him into worse and worse stuff. Eventually he didn't want to be responsible, couldn't hold a job anymore, and didn't want to be 'stuck' at home with me and the kid all the time - so I left. He has yet to grow up (my son is almost 9 yrs. old now) and be responsible, and has barely been involved in my sons life (and I only get child support maybe 2 months out of a year on avg).
Now if I could go back and change things, its hard to say. I love my son, but I can barely stand to even speak to his father anymore.
01/26/2012
Stinkytofu10 Stinkytofu10
To answer your question, only you two knows what's best for your individual lives and desires. Do what feels most natural and comfortable for you, always keep in mind your emotional and financial limits though, having kids is a big step and you don't want to jeopardize your current happiness.
01/26/2012
ddd masturbator(bye all!) ddd masturbator(bye all!)
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.

What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
I'm not in the position to have children right now, but here is what I would do...

I would first get married. Then we'd move in together. Then we'd be married for like a year or so before trying to have kids... I'd like to have about 2 years of just being with my husband before we have kids.
01/27/2012
Hallmar82 Hallmar82
There's never going to be a good time to have kids. So, if you want to, go for it. No matter what happens, have faith that together you two can make it work.
01/28/2012
T&A1987 T&A1987
Quote:
Originally posted by Hallmar82
There's never going to be a good time to have kids. So, if you want to, go for it. No matter what happens, have faith that together you two can make it work.
i agree, but there are "less bad times." both people employed with a large sum in the bank is a lot better than unemployed and in debt.
01/28/2012
SexyStuff SexyStuff
I'd do marriage first because there are a lot of changes that come with it. Then there are even MORE changes with pregnancy/getting ready to have a kid. I'd say it took us a good year to get into the groove of being married. Don't stress yourself by piling it all on at once, so I'd work towards marriage first.
01/28/2012
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Why is this a great time if you are not married? If the reason has to do with not having your own place or money...you shouldn't have a kid.

Place, marriage, kids.

I don't think people should get married unless they have their own place and have the money to do so. Debt is not something you should have much of before getting married or having kids. I've always felt that you should also be able to be on your own mentally and financially before being actually ready to get married. Plus, living together before hand is so important. Living together is a much better trial run for marriage than anything else. If you live together for a good while before being married, not much change will occur when you do get married. You'll have a better idea of knowing if you are ready and if it is for you and your partner. Kids are last if you are able to plan it out. I understand mistakes happen, though.
01/30/2012
(k)InkyIvy (k)InkyIvy
Quote:
Originally posted by ~LaUr3n~
Why is this a great time if you are not married? If the reason has to do with not having your own place or money...you shouldn't have a kid.

Place, marriage, kids.

I don't think people should get married unless they have their ...
We've been together for 4 years, living together for 1 (longer, if you count the fact that I stayed at his house as much as possible when we were younger), are getting married in under 4 months, my birth control (Implanon) will run out and be removed in a year, and we'll start trying for kids in about 2 or 3 years. Which works out rather nicely since he'll have graduated from the electrical apprenticeship, I'll have my degree, and long term birth controls (like Implanon) usually take about 18 months to fully get out of your system so you can get pregnant.

It's my belief that a couple should live together before getting married, and be married before they have kids.
But, like I said, that's MY belief. What's right for me isn't right for everyone.

NOTE: I apologize, I must have clicked "Reply" instead of "Make a Post". I didn't mean to reply to your post, Lauren.
01/31/2012
calliope calliope
We couldn't wait to have a baby we literally did everything backwards and fast. We got pregnant. I moved in as soon as we found out. Shortly after we married. We didn't have a wedding. The day after we married we went to the jewlery store and I picked out a ring.

Sometimes I wish we did things a bit slower and I got through school first. sometimes it puts a bigger strain on our relationship. Other than that it's all good. I also have to keep in mind I was 19 and still living at home. I grew up fast lol.
02/05/2012
calliope calliope
Quote:
Originally posted by Hallmar82
There's never going to be a good time to have kids. So, if you want to, go for it. No matter what happens, have faith that together you two can make it work.
I agree
02/05/2012
Ciao. Ciao.
We are both in our mid/late 20's and have been together for about 10 years. We don't have kids yet though we are trying now but we decided to wait on getting married until we were both out of college and then waited on trying for kids until we were more financially/geographic ally stable.

I don't think this is necessarily the right or wrong way to do it, but it's what we decided on doing.
02/12/2012
MamaDivine MamaDivine
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.

What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
My opinion on this.....and again, its only my opinion.

1st marriage: Got pregnant (was young, parents wouldn't let us live together without being married first) So we had to get married when I was 4 months pregnant, moved in together and were together for 7 years before he cheated on me and I decided to get a divorce. Didn't know the man until I lived with him. I thought I did, but honestly, after living with him...theres A LOT that I wish I would have known beforehand. Also, we didn't discuss the whole raising kids, how and what to teach them etc etc. So we were young and dumb and really didn't do things right.

2nd marriage: We lived together first. Had our daughters and then got married. I kind of knew how the whole marriage thing went and what I wanted more, now that I am older and more "wise" about how things in a relationship work.

Honestly, if you are both happy/content with how life is going and you're in love and commit to the relationship wholeheartedly, then I say go for it. There is no "right way wrong way" to do this. Yes, in some folks eyes there is....but you need to do what is right for you and what you feel in you heart. I wouldn't let society or others views sway who/when and how you marry someone. If you're ready, you're ready. If you're not, you're not.

I wouldn't change a thing.
If I changed anything about how I did things, I would not have the wonderful kids I have, the experiences that have made me who I am today and the courage to know that I can handle just about anything that comes my way!

life is about making mistakes and learning from them. If you don't take risks, you'll be left living your life in the "What if..." category and thats no way to live!
03/09/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.

What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
With Sigel we moved in together and then my parents and his family decided they knew better than we did what was best for us and we capitulated and got married. I regret that I got married to make my parents happy...but NOT for marrying him. If I could I would have waited until we felt ready to get married and I think it would have been the best thing as doing it the way we did set a bad precedent in my relationship with my parents and Sigel.

With Arch I wouldn't change a thing except the massive argument that followed my positive pregnancy test. Still the fight was between Sigel and myself and Arch was able to mend that rift and thigs have worked out.
03/26/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by T&A1987
i am also 24, with my gf for three years and if i wanted kids I wouldn't have them for another 10-15 years (well, ten i guess) at least. having kids will take up so much time and effort that it will likely kill, or at least wound your hopes and ...
T&A said: having kids will take up so much time and effort that it will likely kill, or at least wound your hopes and dreams, likely fatally. i there's still something in life you want to do, other than have kids, having kids ill make it near impossible.

I have to disagree. Yes, when one decides to have children, they should be of number one importance. However, we had our kids, I then got my MS and my Master's level IBCLC registration and certification (the amount of work that goes into a full Master's plus sitting for boards every 5 to 10 years to maintain your certification) while I had small children. It may have not been the easiest choice, but I wouldn't have even known I could have been an IBCLC without having kids first (and honestly, I don't much trust people in my profession who haven't "walked the walk.")

However, the point is; one can have a life after children. You have to divide yourself up a little, or a lot. Some people want to do this and some don't. But, it isn't impossible.

I have kids, have a partner and have a good, satisfying career.
03/26/2012
Nora Nora
My partner and I have been dating since July 2003, living together since March 2005 and are expecting our first child in October 2012. We've talked about getting married, but with my financial wreck (thanks to poor planning on my part and an ex-husband that ran my credit into the ground) and his excellent credit score (which is how we got an amazing mortgage on our house), it makes more sense to not get married until we get my finances in order (a very long process).
03/26/2012
PolyLove PolyLove
My husband and I moved in together December 2009, shortly after I turned 18. Some of my family called me a tramp/slut/other degrading words for living with him and not being married (but we were engaged at the time). We got married July 29 2010, got pregnant Jan. 2011, had our baby in September and are still happily married. When we first got together I didn't want any children, and now we have a planned baby (I believe he is the 1st planned one in my family lol). We want a little girl but are waiting till Lil' Man is 5.

If I could change anything I wish we would have waited just a few more months because shortly after we got pregnant our lives went down hill, he lost his job, we moved in with family, family's a b!+(#, etc. etc. My husband got his first pay check from his new job the day our son was born, and we moved into our home the day we brought our little man home. The church we go to had it all set up with furniture, our few belongings, and a lot of baby stuff before we got out of the hospital.


Not completely off topic, but even tho it is against my religious beliefs I think you should live with someone before you get married or have children because dating someone and living with them are two completely different things. He or she may have ticks and habits that drive the two of you further apart, and handling a problem is completely different while under the same roof.
Also, I read an article recently that stated a lot of people are having families before "dedicating their life to one person." Getting to know if the family thing will work before getting married and making it "permanent." And personally I think that's screwed up. In my opinion you should try to make it permanent before planning a baby. A baby growing up in a home like that is screwed up (in my opinion, not aimed at anyone in particular).
03/26/2012
ToyTimeTim ToyTimeTim
I don't think we would change anything. It would have been nice to get married when the wife was not pregnant.

I always recommend that folks live together for a couple of years before marriage or having kids. You could have a great relationship but somethings change when you live together, better to know you can live with each other before having kids. My parents divorced when I was nine and it was pretty rough growing up and I don't want anyone to go through that like I did.
03/26/2012
VelvetDragon VelvetDragon
I also agree -- my mom's "rule" for me was that I had to live with a person for two years before getting married (yes, she was very progressive, haha). You learn a LOT about a person in the first couple years, and that is when you find out how compatible you really are. I think it's the hardest adjustment period.

I think two years living together is a good thing before having any kids, as well.
04/26/2012
Lady Bear Lady Bear
We are still in college, so now is not the time for children. I personally would want a place and to be financially stable before I have kids. I also wanna travel a little. I don't think marriage needs to come first, but it is kind of ingrained in our culture.
04/29/2012
ViVix ViVix
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.

What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
I think the best decision was living together. It showed me a lot about him, his priorities (videogames, work, then family), his cleanliness (clearly lacking), and the effort he puts (little to none).

I would have been more careful about getting pregnant at such an early age though.
05/23/2012
deltalima deltalima
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.

What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
For me, I need to have a marriage (legally, physically, mentally) before I have kids with my husband. And divorce is not something I want to go through or put my kids through.
07/04/2012
HusbandandWife HusbandandWife
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.

What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
We had been living together for several years, and kids came before the wedding. Everyone is different but I do wish we married before we had kids. I just think it makes for a better relationship. Actual planning for our future may have saved us a lot of hardship.
07/04/2012
Crimson Vixen Crimson Vixen
My fiance and I are currently living together. Only, we live with his grandmother. Neither of us work, and I'm busy trying to make it through school to get certified as a Veterinary Technician.

All that considered, what I eventually hope for is to have our own place before we have children. That way, we would not run into the potential circumstance of someone else teaching our child in a manner we disagree with.

I already feel like we are married, the only thing missing is the paperwork. However, if we were to decide to have a child, if we were not living under our own roof, I would prefer marriage first in order to save myself from judgement.
07/05/2012
LunaLuthor LunaLuthor
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.

What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
i personally would do it the traditional way, it just depends on your values
07/08/2012
evie.amor evie.amor
Definitely live together first!!! For at least a year! And then consider marriage. And then MAYBE kids if everything is still going smoothly.
2 years seems like a long time, but 2 of my previous relationships lasted 3 1/2 years until I realized it wasn't what I wanted. I was completely in love with those guys and thought I wanted to spend my life with them, but things change.

If you are really in love and want to spend your life together, it seems like he'd be able to wait to have a kid. 24 is still very young, I don't plan on having a child until I'm at least 26 or 27.

I'd baby step it if I were you, living together is a big enough challenge to take on let alone taking care of another human being.

Good luck! XxoO
01/15/2013
Hermosura21 Hermosura21
Quote:
Originally posted by PeaceToTheMiddleEast
I would not change anything. Things happen sometimes for the right or wrong reasons.
Totally agree
01/15/2013
Total posts: 33
Unique posters: 31