Me and my guy have been together for two years. Lately, he started talking about the next level, which I had always assumed would be marriage or moving in together, until he shocked me with wanting a child! We don't even live together!
I would love to have his child, but I definitely feel like we are missing a few steps here, or is this just what day in age it is?
That's what this discussion is all about.
Which comes first; the baby, the place, or the piece of paper saying "MARRIED"?
Invited: All users.
Discussion Topics
1.
Do you have children and are you with the child's other parent?
(44 posts)
2.
Were you married/living together when you got pregnant?
(11 posts)
3.
How did you go about it and what would you change?
(27 posts)
I think it really doesn't matter what we say because it depends on what YOU want to do. If you feel that you need to at least live together before you have child, you really should tell that to your partner. Having a kid is a big deal, so you need to make sure you're both on the same page.
Jan 25, 7:01 pm
wdanas
Personally, I think I'd want a bit more commitment than "hey why not" before having a child. Children raised by single parents can do very well, but why on earth would you start out that way? At least by living together you can share child-rearing duties, even if not actually married. I'd live together a bit before having the child, though; being comfortable in your routine and home-life is very helpful when you throw something so unpredictable as a newborn into it.
Jan 26, 12:31 am
Quote:
We are engaged but don't live together yet because with me finishing up my last quarter for my 4yr degree it was best this way. I want to have a child with him and he feels the same but we want to do the whole marriage thing first. But if something should happen before we get our own place or even married it wouldn't be a big deal to me at all. I just want to be married and live alone for a year or two before having a child. I'm hoping this all happens within the next 2 to 4 years. I want to be a mommy so bad but it just isn't the right time for us.
Originally posted by
Badass
No screen names will be displayed on vote, so please be honest.
Jan 26, 1:07 am
Wow...not sure how to answer this one....
In my mind there are some problems with the current institution of marriage.
I have been living with the same woman for 3 years. Not married, been taking care of her 3 kids with her, and we had one of our own 2-1/2 years ago and we have a great relationship.
We have talked about getting married, and we would do it in a heartbeat if we had the money, and we could get around a few other things as well.
One thing she told me lately that was a bit of a shock, was that if it were legally acceptable, she would marry me, and allow me to have other wives as well. So, that's one thing....the other is that we have our disagreements with the what the law in this country and state say about marriage.
But, I suppose a lot of the contingencies of marriage are in place because so many people have abused the privilege and safeguards are needed now.
In my mind there are some problems with the current institution of marriage.
I have been living with the same woman for 3 years. Not married, been taking care of her 3 kids with her, and we had one of our own 2-1/2 years ago and we have a great relationship.
We have talked about getting married, and we would do it in a heartbeat if we had the money, and we could get around a few other things as well.
One thing she told me lately that was a bit of a shock, was that if it were legally acceptable, she would marry me, and allow me to have other wives as well. So, that's one thing....the other is that we have our disagreements with the what the law in this country and state say about marriage.
But, I suppose a lot of the contingencies of marriage are in place because so many people have abused the privilege and safeguards are needed now.
Jan 26, 1:42 am
Thank you all very much for your comments and thoughts, you certainly have given me alot to think about. It weird to think that 100 years ago, you HAD to be married to have a child or you were as a woman like... scum of the earth. It so cool but also pretty crazy that in 2012, we can be gay/lesbians couples and raise children, and a woman can have a baby without being married and not sent away like she was getting arrested..
And i wanna send my best wishes to the 3 who wish they could have a baby, best luck to you!
And i wanna send my best wishes to the 3 who wish they could have a baby, best luck to you!
Jan 26, 12:02 pm
I don't have children, but I figured I would comment on how I want things to go...
Right now I don't live with my partner because we are both in school. I have a year left to finish my master's, and after that we plan on living together. Given that all goes well, I would consider getting married no sooner than after living together for two years. If we ever have children (right now we think we don't want any, but I know that changes), it wouldn't be till after we're married at least two or three years. This puts me around 28 if/when we have kids.
Right now I don't live with my partner because we are both in school. I have a year left to finish my master's, and after that we plan on living together. Given that all goes well, I would consider getting married no sooner than after living together for two years. If we ever have children (right now we think we don't want any, but I know that changes), it wouldn't be till after we're married at least two or three years. This puts me around 28 if/when we have kids.
Jan 30, 9:56 pm
I have two boys with my ex husband we both have em 50/50 and we were living together with the first and married with the second but i feel you should live together then have kids then get married and heres why :
reason number one: you dont know how you really feel about one another until you can stand to live with them because you dont really know someone till you see what they are like 24 hours a day
reason number 2: children need both parents for different reasons and should be able to see you both as much as possible so living together is a plus
reason 3: as weird as this sounds just splitting up after having kids is sad but getting a divorce with kids is life changing and heart crushing for everyone involved.
reason 4: having children changes everything including your sex life and the way you act and live with one another your going to have to make comprimises on EVERYTHING to do with raising this child and if you can make it through that and still love each other THEN get married
reason number one: you dont know how you really feel about one another until you can stand to live with them because you dont really know someone till you see what they are like 24 hours a day
reason number 2: children need both parents for different reasons and should be able to see you both as much as possible so living together is a plus
reason 3: as weird as this sounds just splitting up after having kids is sad but getting a divorce with kids is life changing and heart crushing for everyone involved.
reason 4: having children changes everything including your sex life and the way you act and live with one another your going to have to make comprimises on EVERYTHING to do with raising this child and if you can make it through that and still love each other THEN get married
Feb 2, 2:22 pm
I don't have children, nor do I want them. They're less of a "necessary" step in a relationship than traveling to South America for me.
For those who do want children, however, I'd say living together is definitely a good start. It's unfair to shuttle a kid back and forth between homes.
For those who do want children, however, I'd say living together is definitely a good start. It's unfair to shuttle a kid back and forth between homes.
Feb 5, 7:20 pm
I honestly wouldn't have a child with a partner who wasn't even committed enough to want to and take the steps for us to live together or even get married.
My Man and I knew we wanted kids. After I finished college, we started looking for houses, we bought one, we moved in and shortly after I found out I was pregnant. We had a wedding planned, so we moved it up a few months.
Many years later and 3 kids later, we are together. He went through the trouble to buy a house for us to live in, as well as an engagement set for me, not to mention supporting the children and myself for years. He stepped up and did a great job, as he continues to do as father and partner.
Living in two different places while having a small child is problematic for many people. Having your partner there to help you during the pregnancy, to be there in the middle of the night when you just can't walk the floors an other hour with the baby, being a role model for the child, supporting you so you can raise the child, if possible, BEING THERE as the father, I think goes without saying. Yes, there are a lot of single moms, but I don't think many of them choose this ahead of time. Not to mention the nightmare of trying to schedule visits during the breastfeeding years. Or after, for that matter.
My Man and I knew we wanted kids. After I finished college, we started looking for houses, we bought one, we moved in and shortly after I found out I was pregnant. We had a wedding planned, so we moved it up a few months.
Many years later and 3 kids later, we are together. He went through the trouble to buy a house for us to live in, as well as an engagement set for me, not to mention supporting the children and myself for years. He stepped up and did a great job, as he continues to do as father and partner.
Living in two different places while having a small child is problematic for many people. Having your partner there to help you during the pregnancy, to be there in the middle of the night when you just can't walk the floors an other hour with the baby, being a role model for the child, supporting you so you can raise the child, if possible, BEING THERE as the father, I think goes without saying. Yes, there are a lot of single moms, but I don't think many of them choose this ahead of time. Not to mention the nightmare of trying to schedule visits during the breastfeeding years. Or after, for that matter.
Mar 4, 10:56 pm
Quote:
Why do you need "money" to get married? If you don't believe in marriage, that's one thing. In our county, $50.00 for a license and a judge can marry you in 2-3 days. That isn't much of an outlay of money.... if you really want it.
Originally posted by
JesseTX
Wow...not sure how to answer this one....
In my mind there are some problems with the current institution of marriage.
I have been living with the same woman for 3 years. Not married, been taking care of her 3 kids with her, and we had one of ...
In my mind there are some problems with the current institution of marriage.
I have been living with the same woman for 3 years. Not married, been taking care of her 3 kids with her, and we had one of ...
Wow...not sure how to answer this one....
In my mind there are some problems with the current institution of marriage.
I have been living with the same woman for 3 years. Not married, been taking care of her 3 kids with her, and we had one of our own 2-1/2 years ago and we have a great relationship.
We have talked about getting married, and we would do it in a heartbeat if we had the money, and we could get around a few other things as well.
One thing she told me lately that was a bit of a shock, was that if it were legally acceptable, she would marry me, and allow me to have other wives as well. So, that's one thing....the other is that we have our disagreements with the what the law in this country and state say about marriage.
But, I suppose a lot of the contingencies of marriage are in place because so many people have abused the privilege and safeguards are needed now.
In my mind there are some problems with the current institution of marriage.
I have been living with the same woman for 3 years. Not married, been taking care of her 3 kids with her, and we had one of our own 2-1/2 years ago and we have a great relationship.
We have talked about getting married, and we would do it in a heartbeat if we had the money, and we could get around a few other things as well.
One thing she told me lately that was a bit of a shock, was that if it were legally acceptable, she would marry me, and allow me to have other wives as well. So, that's one thing....the other is that we have our disagreements with the what the law in this country and state say about marriage.
But, I suppose a lot of the contingencies of marriage are in place because so many people have abused the privilege and safeguards are needed now.
A child costs a hell of a lot more than getting married does.
Mar 4, 11:03 pm
Quote:
I have two children from my first marriage (which he is still very active, as I am, with the children. We're civil with each other.) We had our son first, got married, then lived together.
Originally posted by
Badass
No screen names will be displayed on vote, so please be honest.
My second/current husband and I had two daughters together and we incorporate all children together as equals.
My current husband and I lived together first, baby second, got married. I do things somewhat assbackwards lol.
Mar 9, 4:28 am
Quote:
I was actually non-traditional with my children's fathers. I was married and living with Sigel before we had children but we haven't been able to get the border issue settled with Arch.
Originally posted by
Badass
No screen names will be displayed on vote, so please be honest.
Mar 26, 11:52 am
My Fiance has two children that were from a previous marriage. I do not have kids but we are going to try for them, after we get married. The only reason, and I do mean the only reason we believe that marriage should come first is because it makes us feel more secure about raising children together and we want our children to kind of grow in that mindframe, that you get married then have a family.
Mar 26, 3:26 pm
Ideally, I would think either the marriage or place comes first.
I want a girly Disney wedding and have been saving bits away. Call it waste a money, call it stupid... it's the only thing I've ever sat down and saved for. I'm a Disney-aholic and they probably brainwashed me when I worked there.
But yeah, the marriage, then house then kids.
I want a girly Disney wedding and have been saving bits away. Call it waste a money, call it stupid... it's the only thing I've ever sat down and saved for. I'm a Disney-aholic and they probably brainwashed me when I worked there.
But yeah, the marriage, then house then kids.
Mar 26, 6:10 pm
I am childless. I think it's way too early in my life for that (I'm 21). The order I think it goes, personally, is House -> Married -> Income -> Children. I don't want to get married unless I have a place to live. I suppose an apartment or something can replace the house, but I'd prefer the house. And, I would refuse to have children unless I know I have the income to support them.
May 8, 4:47 am
Total posts:
44
Unique posters: 42
Unique posters: 42
Quote:
Yes and no...I was forced into marriage with Sigel and we were married almost 10 years before I managed to sustain a healthy pregnancy. However, we did live together for a time before marriage.
Originally posted by
Badass
Again, no names. I just want some stats.
I wish I could live with my son's father but Canada and the US feel differently. I was not living with him nor married when I got pregnant but we did know we wanted to have at least one child.
Mar 26, 11:58 am
Quote:
Airen, do the "Anchor Baby" laws not apply to dads? I know when women come here to simply give birth, from other countries, they get to stay, oftentimes, because the baby is an American citizen because s/he was born here.
Originally posted by
Airen Wolf
Yes and no...I was forced into marriage with Sigel and we were married almost 10 years before I managed to sustain a healthy pregnancy. However, we did live together for a time before marriage.
I wish I could live with my son's father but Canada ...
I wish I could live with my son's father but Canada ...
Yes and no...I was forced into marriage with Sigel and we were married almost 10 years before I managed to sustain a healthy pregnancy. However, we did live together for a time before marriage.
I wish I could live with my son's father but Canada and the US feel differently. I was not living with him nor married when I got pregnant but we did know we wanted to have at least one child.
I wish I could live with my son's father but Canada and the US feel differently. I was not living with him nor married when I got pregnant but we did know we wanted to have at least one child.
Is it complicated by the fact that your legal marriage is to Sigel? In some states the woman's "legal husband" is "legally the father" of all children born into the marriage. We really need to get our law system out of the 19th century!
Mar 26, 12:44 pm
We lived together for eight years before having the first child then got married when she was six months pregnant with the second.
We honestly had no plans to get married but family pressured us to get hitched. What sucked the most about getting married is the tax return, because we were married we lost about half of our tax return. The tax laws have changed since then and we benefit now but there was a time when we thought about getting a divorce just to get the money back. lol
We honestly had no plans to get married but family pressured us to get hitched. What sucked the most about getting married is the tax return, because we were married we lost about half of our tax return. The tax laws have changed since then and we benefit now but there was a time when we thought about getting a divorce just to get the money back. lol
Mar 26, 5:46 pm
Total posts:
11
Unique posters: 11
Unique posters: 11
Quote:
I would say move in together before having a child with him. Its a whole different world when you live with the person lol!
Originally posted by
Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.
What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.
What have your experiences been like? What would you change if you had a time machine?
What have your experiences been like? What would you change if you had a time machine?
Jan 25, 10:58 am
Since you've been dating for a while now, I would consider the next step to be either living together or marriage depending on your beliefs about living together before marriage. I wouldn't consider having a kid without one of those because living together is a WHOLE lot different than dating TRUST ME! We dated for 4 years and once we got married and moved in together there were things that neither of us knew about the other.
Jan 25, 2:24 pm
Quote:
i am also 24, with my gf for three years and if i wanted kids I wouldn't have them for another 10-15 years (well, ten i guess) at least. having kids will take up so much time and effort that it will likely kill, or at least wound your hopes and dreams, likely fatally. i there's still something in life you want to do, other than have kids, having kids ill make it near impossible. I don't know what your relationship is like, but I do know that two years isn't enough time to know if a TV show is good or not. or if someone's ready to be president or even get a bachelor's degree. if i believed in marriage and babies I would either get married first, or at least wait until common law marriage went into effect (or would go into effect in most states). intentionally having a child with someone you've only been with for two years isn't a leap of faith, it's jumping springfield gorge.
Originally posted by
Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.
What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.
What have your experiences been like? What would you change if you had a time machine?
What have your experiences been like? What would you change if you had a time machine?
Jan 25, 11:28 pm
I think a couple needs to live together and know that can work in order to know if they can raise a child together. I don't think marriage HAS to come first, but if it is a planned child I think it would be a good thing.
Being a single mom, I understand what a commitment having a child is and how much of a strain it can put on a relationship. It is longterm and the other person will always be in your life, honestly it is a bigger commitment than marriage (because you can't get rid of the other parent no matter how much you may want to someday). My child's father loved kids and was great with them (and we had a solid relationship), and seemed excited about us having one (despite being young), but then went onto his 'last hurrah' of partying, etc. Which never ended and just got him into worse and worse stuff. Eventually he didn't want to be responsible, couldn't hold a job anymore, and didn't want to be 'stuck' at home with me and the kid all the time - so I left. He has yet to grow up (my son is almost 9 yrs. old now) and be responsible, and has barely been involved in my sons life (and I only get child support maybe 2 months out of a year on avg).
Now if I could go back and change things, its hard to say. I love my son, but I can barely stand to even speak to his father anymore.
Being a single mom, I understand what a commitment having a child is and how much of a strain it can put on a relationship. It is longterm and the other person will always be in your life, honestly it is a bigger commitment than marriage (because you can't get rid of the other parent no matter how much you may want to someday). My child's father loved kids and was great with them (and we had a solid relationship), and seemed excited about us having one (despite being young), but then went onto his 'last hurrah' of partying, etc. Which never ended and just got him into worse and worse stuff. Eventually he didn't want to be responsible, couldn't hold a job anymore, and didn't want to be 'stuck' at home with me and the kid all the time - so I left. He has yet to grow up (my son is almost 9 yrs. old now) and be responsible, and has barely been involved in my sons life (and I only get child support maybe 2 months out of a year on avg).
Now if I could go back and change things, its hard to say. I love my son, but I can barely stand to even speak to his father anymore.
Jan 26, 1:17 am
To answer your question, only you two knows what's best for your individual lives and desires. Do what feels most natural and comfortable for you, always keep in mind your emotional and financial limits though, having kids is a big step and you don't want to jeopardize your current happiness.
Jan 26, 2:51 am
Quote:
I'm not in the position to have children right now, but here is what I would do...
Originally posted by
Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.
What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.
What have your experiences been like? What would you change if you had a time machine?
What have your experiences been like? What would you change if you had a time machine?
I would first get married. Then we'd move in together. Then we'd be married for like a year or so before trying to have kids... I'd like to have about 2 years of just being with my husband before we have kids.
Jan 27, 12:08 am
Quote:
i agree, but there are "less bad times." both people employed with a large sum in the bank is a lot better than unemployed and in debt.
Originally posted by
Hallmar82
There's never going to be a good time to have kids. So, if you want to, go for it. No matter what happens, have faith that together you two can make it work.
Jan 28, 12:06 pm
I'd do marriage first because there are a lot of changes that come with it. Then there are even MORE changes with pregnancy/getting ready to have a kid. I'd say it took us a good year to get into the groove of being married. Don't stress yourself by piling it all on at once, so I'd work towards marriage first.
Jan 28, 2:08 pm
Why is this a great time if you are not married? If the reason has to do with not having your own place or money...you shouldn't have a kid.
Place, marriage, kids.
I don't think people should get married unless they have their own place and have the money to do so. Debt is not something you should have much of before getting married or having kids. I've always felt that you should also be able to be on your own mentally and financially before being actually ready to get married. Plus, living together before hand is so important. Living together is a much better trial run for marriage than anything else. If you live together for a good while before being married, not much change will occur when you do get married. You'll have a better idea of knowing if you are ready and if it is for you and your partner. Kids are last if you are able to plan it out. I understand mistakes happen, though.
Place, marriage, kids.
I don't think people should get married unless they have their own place and have the money to do so. Debt is not something you should have much of before getting married or having kids. I've always felt that you should also be able to be on your own mentally and financially before being actually ready to get married. Plus, living together before hand is so important. Living together is a much better trial run for marriage than anything else. If you live together for a good while before being married, not much change will occur when you do get married. You'll have a better idea of knowing if you are ready and if it is for you and your partner. Kids are last if you are able to plan it out. I understand mistakes happen, though.
Jan 30, 9:52 pm
Quote:
We've been together for 4 years, living together for 1 (longer, if you count the fact that I stayed at his house as much as possible when we were younger), are getting married in under 4 months, my birth control (Implanon) will run out and be removed in a year, and we'll start trying for kids in about 2 or 3 years. Which works out rather nicely since he'll have graduated from the electrical apprenticeship, I'll have my degree, and long term birth controls (like Implanon) usually take about 18 months to fully get out of your system so you can get pregnant.
Originally posted by
~LaUr3n~
Why is this a great time if you are not married? If the reason has to do with not having your own place or money...you shouldn't have a kid.
Place, marriage, kids.
I don't think people should get married unless they have their own ...
Place, marriage, kids.
I don't think people should get married unless they have their own ...
Why is this a great time if you are not married? If the reason has to do with not having your own place or money...you shouldn't have a kid.
Place, marriage, kids.
I don't think people should get married unless they have their own place and have the money to do so. Debt is not something you should have much of before getting married or having kids. I've always felt that you should also be able to be on your own mentally and financially before being actually ready to get married. Plus, living together before hand is so important. Living together is a much better trial run for marriage than anything else. If you live together for a good while before being married, not much change will occur when you do get married. You'll have a better idea of knowing if you are ready and if it is for you and your partner. Kids are last if you are able to plan it out. I understand mistakes happen, though.
Place, marriage, kids.
I don't think people should get married unless they have their own place and have the money to do so. Debt is not something you should have much of before getting married or having kids. I've always felt that you should also be able to be on your own mentally and financially before being actually ready to get married. Plus, living together before hand is so important. Living together is a much better trial run for marriage than anything else. If you live together for a good while before being married, not much change will occur when you do get married. You'll have a better idea of knowing if you are ready and if it is for you and your partner. Kids are last if you are able to plan it out. I understand mistakes happen, though.
It's my belief that a couple should live together before getting married, and be married before they have kids.
But, like I said, that's MY belief. What's right for me isn't right for everyone.
NOTE: I apologize, I must have clicked "Reply" instead of "Make a Post". I didn't mean to reply to your post, Lauren.
Jan 31, 8:26 pm
We couldn't wait to have a baby we literally did everything backwards and fast. We got pregnant. I moved in as soon as we found out. Shortly after we married. We didn't have a wedding. The day after we married we went to the jewlery store and I picked out a ring.
Sometimes I wish we did things a bit slower and I got through school first. sometimes it puts a bigger strain on our relationship. Other than that it's all good. I also have to keep in mind I was 19 and still living at home. I grew up fast lol.
Sometimes I wish we did things a bit slower and I got through school first. sometimes it puts a bigger strain on our relationship. Other than that it's all good. I also have to keep in mind I was 19 and still living at home. I grew up fast lol.
Feb 5, 7:49 pm
We are both in our mid/late 20's and have been together for about 10 years. We don't have kids yet though we are trying now but we decided to wait on getting married until we were both out of college and then waited on trying for kids until we were more financially/geographic ally stable.
I don't think this is necessarily the right or wrong way to do it, but it's what we decided on doing.
I don't think this is necessarily the right or wrong way to do it, but it's what we decided on doing.
Feb 12, 10:36 am
Quote:
My opinion on this.....and again, its only my opinion.
Originally posted by
Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.
What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.
What have your experiences been like? What would you change if you had a time machine?
What have your experiences been like? What would you change if you had a time machine?
1st marriage: Got pregnant (was young, parents wouldn't let us live together without being married first) So we had to get married when I was 4 months pregnant, moved in together and were together for 7 years before he cheated on me and I decided to get a divorce. Didn't know the man until I lived with him. I thought I did, but honestly, after living with him...theres A LOT that I wish I would have known beforehand. Also, we didn't discuss the whole raising kids, how and what to teach them etc etc. So we were young and dumb and really didn't do things right.
2nd marriage: We lived together first. Had our daughters and then got married. I kind of knew how the whole marriage thing went and what I wanted more, now that I am older and more "wise" about how things in a relationship work.
Honestly, if you are both happy/content with how life is going and you're in love and commit to the relationship wholeheartedly, then I say go for it. There is no "right way wrong way" to do this. Yes, in some folks eyes there is....but you need to do what is right for you and what you feel in you heart. I wouldn't let society or others views sway who/when and how you marry someone. If you're ready, you're ready. If you're not, you're not.
I wouldn't change a thing.
If I changed anything about how I did things, I would not have the wonderful kids I have, the experiences that have made me who I am today and the courage to know that I can handle just about anything that comes my way!
life is about making mistakes and learning from them. If you don't take risks, you'll be left living your life in the "What if..." category and thats no way to live!
Mar 9, 4:37 am
Quote:
With Sigel we moved in together and then my parents and his family decided they knew better than we did what was best for us and we capitulated and got married. I regret that I got married to make my parents happy...but NOT for marrying him. If I could I would have waited until we felt ready to get married and I think it would have been the best thing as doing it the way we did set a bad precedent in my relationship with my parents and Sigel.
Originally posted by
Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.
What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.
What have your experiences been like? What would you change if you had a time machine?
What have your experiences been like? What would you change if you had a time machine?
With Arch I wouldn't change a thing except the massive argument that followed my positive pregnancy test. Still the fight was between Sigel and myself and Arch was able to mend that rift and thigs have worked out.
Mar 26, 12:11 pm
Quote:
T&A said: having kids will take up so much time and effort that it will likely kill, or at least wound your hopes and dreams, likely fatally. i there's still something in life you want to do, other than have kids, having kids ill make it near impossible.
Originally posted by
T&A1987
i am also 24, with my gf for three years and if i wanted kids I wouldn't have them for another 10-15 years (well, ten i guess) at least. having kids will take up so much time and effort that it will likely kill, or at least wound your hopes and
...
i am also 24, with my gf for three years and if i wanted kids I wouldn't have them for another 10-15 years (well, ten i guess) at least. having kids will take up so much time and effort that it will likely kill, or at least wound your hopes and dreams, likely fatally. i there's still something in life you want to do, other than have kids, having kids ill make it near impossible. I don't know what your relationship is like, but I do know that two years isn't enough time to know if a TV show is good or not. or if someone's ready to be president or even get a bachelor's degree. if i believed in marriage and babies I would either get married first, or at least wait until common law marriage went into effect (or would go into effect in most states). intentionally having a child with someone you've only been with for two years isn't a leap of faith, it's jumping springfield gorge.
I have to disagree. Yes, when one decides to have children, they should be of number one importance. However, we had our kids, I then got my MS and my Master's level IBCLC registration and certification (the amount of work that goes into a full Master's plus sitting for boards every 5 to 10 years to maintain your certification) while I had small children. It may have not been the easiest choice, but I wouldn't have even known I could have been an IBCLC without having kids first (and honestly, I don't much trust people in my profession who haven't "walked the walk.")
However, the point is; one can have a life after children. You have to divide yourself up a little, or a lot. Some people want to do this and some don't. But, it isn't impossible.
I have kids, have a partner and have a good, satisfying career.
Mar 26, 12:50 pm
My partner and I have been dating since July 2003, living together since March 2005 and are expecting our first child in October 2012. We've talked about getting married, but with my financial wreck (thanks to poor planning on my part and an ex-husband that ran my credit into the ground) and his excellent credit score (which is how we got an amazing mortgage on our house), it makes more sense to not get married until we get my finances in order (a very long process).
Mar 26, 5:27 pm
My husband and I moved in together December 2009, shortly after I turned 18. Some of my family called me a tramp/slut/other degrading words for living with him and not being married (but we were engaged at the time). We got married July 29 2010, got pregnant Jan. 2011, had our baby in September and are still happily married. When we first got together I didn't want any children, and now we have a planned baby (I believe he is the 1st planned one in my family lol). We want a little girl but are waiting till Lil' Man is 5.
If I could change anything I wish we would have waited just a few more months because shortly after we got pregnant our lives went down hill, he lost his job, we moved in with family, family's a b!+(#, etc. etc. My husband got his first pay check from his new job the day our son was born, and we moved into our home the day we brought our little man home. The church we go to had it all set up with furniture, our few belongings, and a lot of baby stuff before we got out of the hospital.
Not completely off topic, but even tho it is against my religious beliefs I think you should live with someone before you get married or have children because dating someone and living with them are two completely different things. He or she may have ticks and habits that drive the two of you further apart, and handling a problem is completely different while under the same roof.
Also, I read an article recently that stated a lot of people are having families before "dedicating their life to one person." Getting to know if the family thing will work before getting married and making it "permanent." And personally I think that's screwed up. In my opinion you should try to make it permanent before planning a baby. A baby growing up in a home like that is screwed up (in my opinion, not aimed at anyone in particular).
If I could change anything I wish we would have waited just a few more months because shortly after we got pregnant our lives went down hill, he lost his job, we moved in with family, family's a b!+(#, etc. etc. My husband got his first pay check from his new job the day our son was born, and we moved into our home the day we brought our little man home. The church we go to had it all set up with furniture, our few belongings, and a lot of baby stuff before we got out of the hospital.
Not completely off topic, but even tho it is against my religious beliefs I think you should live with someone before you get married or have children because dating someone and living with them are two completely different things. He or she may have ticks and habits that drive the two of you further apart, and handling a problem is completely different while under the same roof.
Also, I read an article recently that stated a lot of people are having families before "dedicating their life to one person." Getting to know if the family thing will work before getting married and making it "permanent." And personally I think that's screwed up. In my opinion you should try to make it permanent before planning a baby. A baby growing up in a home like that is screwed up (in my opinion, not aimed at anyone in particular).
Mar 26, 5:36 pm
I don't think we would change anything. It would have been nice to get married when the wife was not pregnant.
I always recommend that folks live together for a couple of years before marriage or having kids. You could have a great relationship but somethings change when you live together, better to know you can live with each other before having kids. My parents divorced when I was nine and it was pretty rough growing up and I don't want anyone to go through that like I did.
I always recommend that folks live together for a couple of years before marriage or having kids. You could have a great relationship but somethings change when you live together, better to know you can live with each other before having kids. My parents divorced when I was nine and it was pretty rough growing up and I don't want anyone to go through that like I did.
Mar 26, 5:51 pm
I also agree -- my mom's "rule" for me was that I had to live with a person for two years before getting married (yes, she was very progressive, haha). You learn a LOT about a person in the first couple years, and that is when you find out how compatible you really are. I think it's the hardest adjustment period.
I think two years living together is a good thing before having any kids, as well.
I think two years living together is a good thing before having any kids, as well.
Apr 26, 1:00 pm
Quote:
I think the best decision was living together. It showed me a lot about him, his priorities (videogames, work, then family), his cleanliness (clearly lacking), and the effort he puts (little to none).
Originally posted by
Badass
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.
What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
What have your experiences been like? What would you ...
We are both 24, and doing okay financially. Ideally there is no better time, but I have always thought marriage comes first, but in this day in age, I know that is not always how it goes.
What have your experiences been like? What would you change if you had a time machine?
What have your experiences been like? What would you change if you had a time machine?
I would have been more careful about getting pregnant at such an early age though.
May 23, 12:14 pm
Total posts:
27
Unique posters: 25
Unique posters: 25