I think I've finally had it with my husband.

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I think I've finally had it with my husband.

bayosgirl bayosgirl
Some of you may have seen my other posts about how I'm frustrated with our sex life, etc. Well, this is something else. Sorry if this is getting redundant but I need to vent and I don't have anyone to talk to.

A bit of background is necessary but I'll try to keep it short. Before we had our "shotgun wedding" (April of last year) one of the stipulations I had for me to go along with it was that we would have a REAL wedding one day. He had promised to give whatever was left from his tax refund after paying his lawyer and Immigration fees to our Wedding Fund. For months after the filing deadline, I didn't hear anything. When I started asking, it was one excuse after another. Finally in OCTOBER, he finally admitted that he gave the remaining funds-$1,000-to his ex "for his kids." I hit the roof. I was ready to annul the marriage right there, but he begged me and I made him sign a paper stating that he would give me the $1,000 in two monthly installments. I only saw $600, but whatever.

Fast forward to this year. Beginning last month, remembering what happened last year, I questioned him about the tax return (BTW-if anyone is wondering-I didn't file the last two years because I didn't earn enough money to be required to pay. And we have separate bank accounts, hence why I didn't know he got the money last time.) He kept saying he didn't have it, but I didn't believe him. This Tuesday I got fed up and I asked several people at work if they got their tax refund. They all said yes, a long time ago. I took him outside and demanded he tell me the truth. My parents, too got very upset and said they would contact the CPA that does payroll for the restaurant and try to find out the truth. If he were lying to me they would fire him. He STILL denied it. Then at the end of the shift, he came outside where we were all sitting and told us that he has had the tax return for a MONTH AND A HALF. But wait...it gets better! He didn't tell me because he was "shocked" at the amount and thought it might be a mistake!!! He said he was planning to tell me next Saturday at my cousin's wedding because it would have been two months then without the IRS asking for their money back. Wtf. I don't believe that story for a minute. Maybe if he hadn't lied about this before, I would. But he did, and it almost cost us our relationship. And he's wondering why I'm mad?! He's been giving me $600 a day (the max his bank will let him withdraw) for the last two days, but I told him I may not even take it. Meaning it's over. I can't be with someone who is dishonest. He KNEW how upset I was last time, and he has to do the SAME THING again? Even if his story is true-which is pretty lame-the fact is he LIED. Again. Not once, but repeatedly. Honesty is the number one thing I value in a relationship. How he could lie about something like that is beyond me. What's scary is that he's such a damn good liar. He looked me in the eyes and told me that outright lie over and over. So in my mind, if he's so smooth like that, he could be faking the whole relationship. The emotions and everything. I know everyone from the beginning believed he's been trying to use me for papers, and I so wanted to prove them wrong. I feel like I've been played for a fool. All of the "wedding dreams" he talked about-bullshit. The wedding doesn't matter to him because he never loved me. That's how I feel at this point, anyway. I can't trust anything he says anymore and I told him that. These aren't the only lies, there are others. Like he told everyone at the restaurant that he was "married" when he first started working there to cover up the fact that he had kids out of wedlock and his girlfriend left him. I don't know who he is anymore. He's been all over the world and he won't tell me hardly anything about it. I do know that when he was in NYC he was selling knockoff clothing-which of course is illegal. This is someone who professes to be a Christian. Well, I'm sorry, but I don't have a very good impression of Christians now thanks to him and several other "Christians" I know. No offense to anyone here. It's very frustrating to me that I pushed myself to get married when I wasn't ready-I did it for HIM-and he repays me by lying like a jerk.

He's been trying to talk to me like everything is OK now but I refuse to act like it is. All he keeps saying is "I'm sorry"-I want to see ACTION for once. I told him that very thing but he can't get it through his thick skull. Words mean nothing to me-especially from a liar. It's not only about the money, it's about his integrity. Like I said I don't know who he is anymore. I don't know what to believe. I'm not ready to leave him yet, but I've decided to pull away from the relationship emotionally as much as I can, and continue building myself. Hopefully I come up with the courage to get on with my life soon because I don't see a future with him anymore.
06/15/2012
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deltalima deltalima
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
Some of you may have seen my other posts about how I'm frustrated with our sex life, etc. Well, this is something else. Sorry if this is getting redundant but I need to vent and I don't have anyone to talk to.

A bit of background is ...
It's seems a bit suspicious that he would wait. Sorry you're going through such a difficult and exhausting time
06/15/2012
mistressg mistressg
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
Some of you may have seen my other posts about how I'm frustrated with our sex life, etc. Well, this is something else. Sorry if this is getting redundant but I need to vent and I don't have anyone to talk to.

A bit of background is ...
Hmm....Well, not to come across as negative, but I can tell you this from experience and from seeing relationships my friends have been in: Liars are the worst. They never change. Eventually you'll be kicking yourself for sticking around so long once more and more stuff comes out and you finally get fed up and leave. Trust me, I've been there, and it's hard, and you think it will get better, but some people just don't. And that is a big thing to lie about, and to lie about it continuously....Outloo k not so good, I would say, but..you probably know better than I do.
06/15/2012
Antipova Antipova
for how hard this is going to be for you.

But keep growing yourself. Don't become "accustomed" to this or let it dull down in importance. Honesty is, well, it's too damn important to fake.
06/15/2012
Mitzuki Mitzuki


This must be so tough. I had to leave my fiance (we were together for 3 and a half years) to see if he'd get his act together. He wasn't the same as this, but he always promised me he'd get a better job, take care of me, etc...and I was the one always paying the bills, buying food, taking care of everything.
It's tough dealing with. If you ever need someone to talk to or vent to, feel free to send me a message anytime. I'll listen. :]
06/15/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Here is a letter I just wrote to him. I may leave it for him to read, or I might read it to him out loud (if he will listen.)

Steve,

I am feeling pretty sad and lost right now. I thought we were making progress. We went through so much together (the miscarriage.) I was trying to work with our issues and trying to be happy. That's why it hurts me so much that you lied to me again. Before you think "it's not like I cheated"--No, but a lie is a lie. I can't imagine how you could possibly think it was OK to lie about something so important. "I was scared" is not an excuse. You could have come to me with the truth in the beginning. Of course I wouldn't touch the money for awhile-it's for a WEDDING. You seem to think everything is ok now that you're giving me money. It's not. The most precious thing, my trust, has been violated. Put yourself in my shoes. Have I ever lied to you? No. And I never would. How could you watch me get so worked up about the refund and continue to lie about it?

If I dwell on this I'll go crazy. I had nothing in life, and I'm trying to build myself up. You were supposed to be my ultimate friend, advisor, father figure even. If you truly loved me, why can't you respect me enough to be truthful? This is not the first time you lied; you lied last year, and on different occasions before that. I can't trust anything you say now. How does that make you feel? You knew this would hurt me and you did it anyway. Apparently, you wanted the money to yourself. But you promised me even before we were married that we would have a wedding (fund.) I would never have gotten married that way if I thought otherwise. It's like you told me what I wanted to hear so I would go through with it. Do you even love me at all? After all I've gone through..I need you to be someone I can trust. I can't trust you anymore. What if everything you ever said is a lie? If you can lie so easily about other things, you could lie about your love for me.

Anyway, I don't know if this is fixable at this point. It's soooo deep. I feel embarrassed for people to see me without my ring, but I don't feel like I'm your wife. I don't feel cherished by you. Not ONE bit. All I've done these 2.5 years is respect and love you, but I don't get the same in return. Why must good people suffer in this world? Rejection, neglect, illness, miscarriage, and now this. A dishonest marriage. It seems there's no end in sight to the pain. But I refuse to lay down and die. Even if you don't love me, I love myself. I know how precious and valuable I am. I have faith that God hasn't forgotten me, nor will he ever.
06/15/2012
Beck Beck
I hope things get better for you. Sorry things seem so upsetting. It's understandable. Hang in there.
06/15/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Honey, it's one damn thing after an other with this guy. I think you know how I feel about him (for what it's worth.) I think he's full of shit and, yes, using you to stay in the country.

I had NO idea he had kids, (PLURAL) with an other woman! I thought he had never had sex before or had all this "practice abstaining?" I'm confused.

I can't tell you what to do. I do have some questions; 1)How could this ever get better? 2) What is going to lie about next? 3) Why does he use religion to keep you from leaving, just so he can stay in the country?

Babe. I think you know what to do. Whether it's annulment (which can take a LONG time) or divorce, get the hell out.

There's only one thing worse than a liar.... a smooth liar. You can't trust him. You KNOW that. Is that going to change? You know it isn't.

All the questions you've asked, all the doubts you've had. I think this is the final straw. Of COURSE he's lying. He wants to stay in the country.

You have a lot more power than you think you do. Use it, sweetie. And NOW, today, before he uses some of his bullshit fake "love skills" and wins you over again before the next lie is exposed.

Really. You deserve better than this guy.

I'm SO sorry this happened. Nobody deserves t be treated this way. The only way to stop being treated this way is to get as far away from him as possible.

And, if your parents won't fire him, you have a lot of thinking to do. Do they really want you married so badly that it's better to have a sham marriage than none at all? WHY?

You are stronger than you think. DO what needs to be done and get your life back. I'm terrified you're going to get pregnant again before you kick his sorry ass to the curb. Then you're going to feel completely stuck, for years, maybe for life.

You deserve better, and you are stronger than you think. USE your strength and stand up for what YOU need and for what you want and for what is best for you.

I'm so so sorry this happened. But, I think this makes it crystal cleat what kind of person he is.
06/15/2012
indiglo indiglo
I can't say anything better than what's already been said. A good liar does NOT make a good life partner. Protect yourself, and do what you need to do to be HEALTHY.
06/15/2012
Ansley Ansley
I pose one question to you:

Do you honestly think a healthy relationship includes demanding contracts be signed to get what you want out of said relationship?

I think you'll find the answer is a resounding FUCK NO. Drop this guy. Screw building yourself - I know that sounds harsh, but if you wait too much longer then he'll be able to stay in the country legally with or without your marriage in place. Get out of this marriage and throw him to the ICE wolves.
06/15/2012
TheSinDoll TheSinDoll
Go with your instincts; they've already told you what to do. You've just been shutting them down for a very long time.

Be smart.
Be honest.
Be good to yourself.

On a second note - when it comes to husbands, I like to tell mine that I keep handy both a really good attorney and a really good gun. Either one will will work depending on how nice they like to play.

I wish you all the luck in the world, Sugar.
06/15/2012
Beck Beck
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Honey, it's one damn thing after an other with this guy. I think you know how I feel about him (for what it's worth.) I think he's full of shit and, yes, using you to stay in the country.

I had NO idea he had kids, (PLURAL) with an ...
You know, I didn't want to say it because I didn't want to offend the OP. But I totally agree with the following statement.

"I think he's full of shit and, yes, using you to stay in the country. "


And another one too, but from Stormy!

"Get out of this marriage and throw him to the ICE wolves."

I know that I don't know him and I only know what is said on the forums, but it's sounded like this from the beginning. I'm sorry hun! Hang in there. You have love and support here.
06/15/2012
Geogeo Geogeo
Quote:
Originally posted by mistressg
Hmm....Well, not to come across as negative, but I can tell you this from experience and from seeing relationships my friends have been in: Liars are the worst. They never change. Eventually you'll be kicking yourself for sticking around so long ...
I agree. I've been with liars who just dont know how to tell the truth anymore. It just becomes impossible and will never end.
06/15/2012
Mrs. Tickle and Giggle Mrs. Tickle and Giggle
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
Some of you may have seen my other posts about how I'm frustrated with our sex life, etc. Well, this is something else. Sorry if this is getting redundant but I need to vent and I don't have anyone to talk to.

A bit of background is ...
I hate to sound vindictive, but keep taking those $600 a day, because when you do leave, you are gonna need all that money to start over. Liars are bad business so as you pull away start building up your get out money.
06/15/2012
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Get out. Now. He is using you. USING. This is manipulation of your affections. He is taking advantage of your romantic ideas. He thinks you're an idiot by continually telling you lies and knowing you'll believe him. He has no respect for you. Get his ass run out now.
06/15/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by Mrs. Tickle and Giggle
I hate to sound vindictive, but keep taking those $600 a day, because when you do leave, you are gonna need all that money to start over. Liars are bad business so as you pull away start building up your get out money.
I actually have my own bank account and a substantial savings so I wouldn't keep his money. I'd feel bad doing that. No need to stoop to his level of dishonesty.
06/16/2012
Total posts: 16
Unique posters: 13