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Once a cheater always a cheater? Is this statement True of False
I definitely don't think cheaters should be easily forgiven - breaking someone's trust like that is a huge deal and will take a lot of work to heal. However, I completely disagree that cheating once means someone will cheat again, especially if they cheated on an ex but not their current SO.
My boyfriend cheated on his last girlfriend (over two years ago), he's told me about it and all the circumstances surrounding it. Not to mention that the woman he cheated on was a mutual friend. What he did was shitty, and he knows it. I haven't the slightest fear that it will happen to me because of how open and honest he is about it. The past is the past.
My boyfriend cheated on his last girlfriend (over two years ago), he's told me about it and all the circumstances surrounding it. Not to mention that the woman he cheated on was a mutual friend. What he did was shitty, and he knows it. I haven't the slightest fear that it will happen to me because of how open and honest he is about it. The past is the past.
11/03/2010
I believe they can change, but having been in the lifestyle (and thoroughly disgusted with the deceptive schemes cheaters would employ. It was our policy not to mess with any of them, but so many are good liars, for a while...)I believe they can change, but it's very difficult and easy for them to fall back in to it.
11/03/2010
I think most people who cheat and are given a chance don't have the first clue how to go about changing the process that lead them to cheat in the first place.
They hide their feelings and actions from their partner and if they continue to do so, to protect them or to keep from facing the response they get when being honest, it is very likely they will end up in a position where they will cheat again.
If, however, they can be honest and the partner can receive that honesty in a positive way, about how they feel about the relationship itself and when they have feelings of attraction to someone else and about the time they are spending with that person... in other words, actually learn new habits of communicating and behaving honestly, both with themselves and their partner, then yeah, maybe they can be trusted again.
I've been through this. I did cheat, emotionally, on my husband, when I was married. Once I stopped hiding my real feelings (I got caught) about my marriage, him, and the other person I realized some serious changes needed to be made, that my husband was not the person I should be married to.
I hurt him very deeply with my actions and learned that the biggest problem with our marriage was a complete and utter lack of communication about how we felt about [itlaic|anything] other than petty every day "pick up your socks" kind of complaints.
My next relationship was very different. We were open and honest, speaking regularly about the other people in our lives and how we felt about those people. We both communicated specifically and clearly about how we felt about each other. We always knew exactly where we stood with each other and if one of us was insecure about it, we'd talk about it. It was a long distance relationship so we agreed not to be exclusive, to allow each other other sexual relationships. But again, with the agreement that there be complete transparency. When are you together, what do you do, do you have sex, do you like the sex, do you like this person a lot or a little... it wasn't always fun, but it was so much better than not knowing, being lied to, never being sure if you could trust someone is being honest with you.
So, I will never, ever cheat on a partner again, because I've changed how I communicate with my partners. They will know who I am attracted to and what my intentions are from step 1, always.
I will probably never quite forgive myself for hurting anybody the way I hurt my ex husband, but I know I will never again do that to anybody. But I also know that unless you take total responsibility for your own actions and change your communication habits, it's VERY likely you will always be a cheater.
They hide their feelings and actions from their partner and if they continue to do so, to protect them or to keep from facing the response they get when being honest, it is very likely they will end up in a position where they will cheat again.
If, however, they can be honest and the partner can receive that honesty in a positive way, about how they feel about the relationship itself and when they have feelings of attraction to someone else and about the time they are spending with that person... in other words, actually learn new habits of communicating and behaving honestly, both with themselves and their partner, then yeah, maybe they can be trusted again.
I've been through this. I did cheat, emotionally, on my husband, when I was married. Once I stopped hiding my real feelings (I got caught) about my marriage, him, and the other person I realized some serious changes needed to be made, that my husband was not the person I should be married to.
I hurt him very deeply with my actions and learned that the biggest problem with our marriage was a complete and utter lack of communication about how we felt about [itlaic|anything] other than petty every day "pick up your socks" kind of complaints.
My next relationship was very different. We were open and honest, speaking regularly about the other people in our lives and how we felt about those people. We both communicated specifically and clearly about how we felt about each other. We always knew exactly where we stood with each other and if one of us was insecure about it, we'd talk about it. It was a long distance relationship so we agreed not to be exclusive, to allow each other other sexual relationships. But again, with the agreement that there be complete transparency. When are you together, what do you do, do you have sex, do you like the sex, do you like this person a lot or a little... it wasn't always fun, but it was so much better than not knowing, being lied to, never being sure if you could trust someone is being honest with you.
So, I will never, ever cheat on a partner again, because I've changed how I communicate with my partners. They will know who I am attracted to and what my intentions are from step 1, always.
I will probably never quite forgive myself for hurting anybody the way I hurt my ex husband, but I know I will never again do that to anybody. But I also know that unless you take total responsibility for your own actions and change your communication habits, it's VERY likely you will always be a cheater.
11/03/2010
Quote:
Wow Laurel. Thank you so much for sharing that. By the end, I was holding back! You are completely right about the communication part. If you are unable to talk to your partner about problems/issues/etc that led to your feelings of straying in the first place...it will likely happen again. They cannot change what they do not know. It can not be worked on by one person.
Originally posted by
LicentiouslyYours
I think most people who cheat and are given a chance don't have the first clue how to go about changing the process that lead them to cheat in the first place.
They hide their feelings and actions from their partner and if they continue ...
They hide their feelings and actions from their partner and if they continue ...
I think most people who cheat and are given a chance don't have the first clue how to go about changing the process that lead them to cheat in the first place.
They hide their feelings and actions from their partner and if they continue to do so, to protect them or to keep from facing the response they get when being honest, it is very likely they will end up in a position where they will cheat again.
If, however, they can be honest and the partner can receive that honesty in a positive way, about how they feel about the relationship itself and when they have feelings of attraction to someone else and about the time they are spending with that person... in other words, actually learn new habits of communicating and behaving honestly, both with themselves and their partner, then yeah, maybe they can be trusted again.
I've been through this. I did cheat, emotionally, on my husband, when I was married. Once I stopped hiding my real feelings (I got caught) about my marriage, him, and the other person I realized some serious changes needed to be made, that my husband was not the person I should be married to.
I hurt him very deeply with my actions and learned that the biggest problem with our marriage was a complete and utter lack of communication about how we felt about [itlaic|anything] other than petty every day "pick up your socks" kind of complaints.
My next relationship was very different. We were open and honest, speaking regularly about the other people in our lives and how we felt about those people. We both communicated specifically and clearly about how we felt about each other. We always knew exactly where we stood with each other and if one of us was insecure about it, we'd talk about it. It was a long distance relationship so we agreed not to be exclusive, to allow each other other sexual relationships. But again, with the agreement that there be complete transparency. When are you together, what do you do, do you have sex, do you like the sex, do you like this person a lot or a little... it wasn't always fun, but it was so much better than not knowing, being lied to, never being sure if you could trust someone is being honest with you.
So, I will never, ever cheat on a partner again, because I've changed how I communicate with my partners. They will know who I am attracted to and what my intentions are from step 1, always.
I will probably never quite forgive myself for hurting anybody the way I hurt my ex husband, but I know I will never again do that to anybody. But I also know that unless you take total responsibility for your own actions and change your communication habits, it's VERY likely you will always be a cheater.
They hide their feelings and actions from their partner and if they continue to do so, to protect them or to keep from facing the response they get when being honest, it is very likely they will end up in a position where they will cheat again.
If, however, they can be honest and the partner can receive that honesty in a positive way, about how they feel about the relationship itself and when they have feelings of attraction to someone else and about the time they are spending with that person... in other words, actually learn new habits of communicating and behaving honestly, both with themselves and their partner, then yeah, maybe they can be trusted again.
I've been through this. I did cheat, emotionally, on my husband, when I was married. Once I stopped hiding my real feelings (I got caught) about my marriage, him, and the other person I realized some serious changes needed to be made, that my husband was not the person I should be married to.
I hurt him very deeply with my actions and learned that the biggest problem with our marriage was a complete and utter lack of communication about how we felt about [itlaic|anything] other than petty every day "pick up your socks" kind of complaints.
My next relationship was very different. We were open and honest, speaking regularly about the other people in our lives and how we felt about those people. We both communicated specifically and clearly about how we felt about each other. We always knew exactly where we stood with each other and if one of us was insecure about it, we'd talk about it. It was a long distance relationship so we agreed not to be exclusive, to allow each other other sexual relationships. But again, with the agreement that there be complete transparency. When are you together, what do you do, do you have sex, do you like the sex, do you like this person a lot or a little... it wasn't always fun, but it was so much better than not knowing, being lied to, never being sure if you could trust someone is being honest with you.
So, I will never, ever cheat on a partner again, because I've changed how I communicate with my partners. They will know who I am attracted to and what my intentions are from step 1, always.
I will probably never quite forgive myself for hurting anybody the way I hurt my ex husband, but I know I will never again do that to anybody. But I also know that unless you take total responsibility for your own actions and change your communication habits, it's VERY likely you will always be a cheater.
I don't know which question I am answering the poll for though. Do people always cheat once they cheat or...can people change?
11/04/2010
I'm going to answer partially true on this one. Yes people can change... I am living proof of that, and so is my husband.
I used to be a cheater. I was married to my ex for 7 years. During that time, I can't think of at least one year that I wasn't seeing someone else on the side. My husband used to be a whore too, lol. He used to cheat on all his girlfriends and he used to cheat on them with me too. When he and I first were able to be an exclusive and out in the open couple, we cheated on each other one time. Then we both came to the realization that the reason we could never stay away from each other is because we were perfect for each other, lol. We both had met the ONE person in this whole world that knew exactly what the other wanted every time. We met our matches... lol. From that moment on, he and I have been faithful to each other and it's the first time we've ever been in a committed faithful relationship and we have no desire to cheat on one another or even be with any one else for that matter. We have a connection that we never had with anyone else ever before. A bond...
So yes, people can change. We CHOOSE to change. And if that is what you set your heart on, it can be done. Yes, there are many temptations... but LIFE is full of temptations. If someone really wants to change, it can be done. It's just a matter of what they choose to do on their own free will.
I used to be a cheater. I was married to my ex for 7 years. During that time, I can't think of at least one year that I wasn't seeing someone else on the side. My husband used to be a whore too, lol. He used to cheat on all his girlfriends and he used to cheat on them with me too. When he and I first were able to be an exclusive and out in the open couple, we cheated on each other one time. Then we both came to the realization that the reason we could never stay away from each other is because we were perfect for each other, lol. We both had met the ONE person in this whole world that knew exactly what the other wanted every time. We met our matches... lol. From that moment on, he and I have been faithful to each other and it's the first time we've ever been in a committed faithful relationship and we have no desire to cheat on one another or even be with any one else for that matter. We have a connection that we never had with anyone else ever before. A bond...
So yes, people can change. We CHOOSE to change. And if that is what you set your heart on, it can be done. Yes, there are many temptations... but LIFE is full of temptations. If someone really wants to change, it can be done. It's just a matter of what they choose to do on their own free will.
11/04/2010
Yes, a LACK of good communication is a factor in why people cheat, in addition to other issues already within a relationship. All the attached men I turned down in lifestyle would say "I can't talk to my wife/gf about it. She just wouldn't understand"...that was very common. I would ask if they tried talking to her? Most wouldn't even consider bringing it up, were afraid or jumped to conclusions about how their partner would react.
My husband and I have an open relationship, but lately its more open on his side, and that's ok with me. He has a bf for those that didn't know, a great guy. As dysfunctional as some may see our marriage, it actually works great for us. We talk about everything, openly and honestly! He knows I've had many hormonal and physical issues these last few years and has been respectful of my lack of desire. In a way, it's a blessing he is who is is. I couldn't ask for a kinder man. I couldn't cheat on him.
My husband and I have an open relationship, but lately its more open on his side, and that's ok with me. He has a bf for those that didn't know, a great guy. As dysfunctional as some may see our marriage, it actually works great for us. We talk about everything, openly and honestly! He knows I've had many hormonal and physical issues these last few years and has been respectful of my lack of desire. In a way, it's a blessing he is who is is. I couldn't ask for a kinder man. I couldn't cheat on him.
11/04/2010
Quote:
As humans there is only one truth and that is we can change everything about ourselves as long as we have the will. A cheater can reform if he/she gets to the root of WHY they are cheating. Cheating is rarely about sexual desire or the need for sex. Get to the root of the real desire and you can change.
Originally posted by
mnc5051
Can people really change?
11/05/2010
I cheated on my husband once, 4 years into our marriage, when I was 25. All I got out of the experience was a reminder of how wonderful my husband was, and how lucky I was to have him. I'm not certain of much in general, but I was completely certain I would never do it again. After 13 more years, in the midst of a divorce, a month after another woman had his baby, I still stand firm in that certainty.
11/05/2010
I'll admit, I have cheated once before on my previous boyfriend. I was also abused both mentally and physically, though, and I guess I didn't know how to deal with it. I am also positive he was cheating on me at the time, cause he would go sleep over at this girl's house sometimes, and go hang out with her when no one else was home. I had a slight crush on a guy, and I knew he liked me, and I just went with it without dumping my boyfriend first.
Eventually he found out and we broke up, and I didn't really have a very long relationship with the other guy.
I've talked to my boyfriend about all of this, and he says he can understand me. I know and he knows I won't do it again, I felt pretty bad even though I was being abused.
I would say that some people may not do it again. Some people may or may not take an opportunity to do it. If it weighs to heavily on their conscious they probably wouldn't.
Eventually he found out and we broke up, and I didn't really have a very long relationship with the other guy.
I've talked to my boyfriend about all of this, and he says he can understand me. I know and he knows I won't do it again, I felt pretty bad even though I was being abused.
I would say that some people may not do it again. Some people may or may not take an opportunity to do it. If it weighs to heavily on their conscious they probably wouldn't.
11/08/2010
Its hard to say for sure whether or not a person will cheat again if they have done it once before. However, to me thats not the point... if someone cheated on me I would from that moment on question everything they did... I don't feel as if I could rebuild a trusting relationship. So even though I do feel people can genuinely change I also feel that cheating often ruins a relationship. Its best to just be upfront with what you're feeling always, and if you know that cheating is something you cannot forgive don't pretend that you can and continue to punish your partner... its not fair to either party.
11/16/2010
As someone who's forgiven a cheater, I can say that their will to change is the most important factor. If they believe that they can still still live their life without facing the truth, then they will never change. They can cry and say they're sorry, but that doesn't mean they've changed. When they look at themselves in the mirror and hate what they see, then they'll change. You'll know it when you see it.
11/16/2010
Quote:
Once again, really adding to the dialog, Harlequin.
Originally posted by
Harlequin
I hate cheaters!
Anyway, I think people most certainly can change. I use to cheat on high school boyfriends without so much as a second thought. I was young and just wanted to have some fun. Even early into college I cheated, but to a much lesser degree. Once I met my hubby, however, those days were done. Together for 9 and a half years and no cheating. Nor any desire to do so.
12/17/2010
I'm not sure I believe "once a cheater always a cheater"...simply because (and I'm not saying cheating is ok here, its just a scenario) sometimes if someone is unhappy in their relationship or with their sex life it could cause them to cheat. Sometimes you meet a person who you REALLY click with and you cheat. I never cheated, but I've been cheated on, and I do think if any of those things happens to you, you should leave your partner and not cheat. I also know some people truly do love the ones they cheat on, and are able to think of sex as just sex and nothing more. This still doesnt make it ok, it's just one more reason I see cheating happening. That being said, I also think that with the right person, a cheater could stop cheating..I haven't seen this happen for real yet, but I'm optimistic!
12/19/2010
