Last night I said something to my husband that is so bad, I guess, that I should never have spoken aloud.
I was on my third appletini and fairly sloshed. Something on TV sent my mind to thinking about a deep dark fantasy I've had. I suppose this fantasy is so taboo that you can't trust anyone to accept you, if they knew. Or at least this appears to be the case with my husband.
I won't go into detail about the fantasy. The specifics really don't matter for purpose of discussion here. I'll just say that the majority of people would find it very taboo. The thing is, the fantasy doesn't really involve me. I just think about people (faceless, nameless) performing the act.
So, there I was drunk with a plug in my ass (because we were prepping for some anal sex later) and I blurted out this fantasy of mine. My husband just glared at me with rejection and disgust on his face. I found myself backpedaling and trying to defend myself. I tried to explain that it's normal for someone to think of those things. I explained to him that what you think about and what you do are two very different things. None of it seemed to be working. He said nothing.
So, trying to lighten the mood I asked him what his deep dark fantasy was. The only thing he offered up is that he doesn't really have any and he's never ever thought about my fantasy. So yeah, I was crushed.
I didn't expect him to be into it. I just expected acceptance and a casual attitude that it was normal and harmless. I thought we were intimate enough that I could say something like that to him and he would not judge me. I was wrong. So, I pulled the plug out of my ass, went upstairs to my bedroom and cried all night.
I never felt ashamed of having this fantasy. It's like I said, what you think and what you do aren't always the same. It's just a thought I have for fuck sake. Now I do feel ashamed. I feel like I must be sick and depraved. I'm feeling like a pretty horrible person.
I don't know how we'll get our intimacy back after this. Now I will always be afraid to say or do things that he might judge me for. The thing is, we are very sexually liberal people. We've often had discussions where we both express the idea that any kind of sexual persuasion is OK as long as nobody is getting hurt. We've always agreed that consenting adults can do whatever the hell they want. Again, I guess my fantasy is so taboo that it exceeds his idea of sexual openness.
So the thing I've learned is that there really are things that you never dare whisper a word about... ever. No matter how close you think you are to the other person...some things just shouldn't be shared. Just take it with you to the grave. I wish I could take it back...never said it. But now it's out there and I don't know how we're going to relate to one another, in and out of the bedroom.
I'm just feeling so low and disgusted with myself... no one to talk to. Certainly can't talk to him about it. I just needed to get the whole mess out there in the open. So, thanks for the outlet.