Non-existent sex drive?

wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Hello all! This is my first time actually starting a discussion here, and I really hope that y'all can help me out.

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 6 months now. We started off as an LDR and now I live in the same city as her. We have had a lot of good sex, and pretty often. The problem doesn't lie within the sex, really. More, it lies in the lack of sex drive.

She has told me a few times that she does get horny and she likes to please me, but really, she has no other interest in sex and never really has. Her libido is practically non-existent unless I'm just super horny and we both happen to be drinking (Houston Pride for example, we pretty much couldn't even wait to get home...).

What concerns me is the fact that the last few times we have tried to have sex, her giving to me, I haven't gotten off at all. It's felt good, very good, but I haven't gotten off. The only explanation I can come up with is that I can tell she's not into it. It's not that she has no interest in me, she just doesn't have an interest in sex very often. She had never achieved orgasm, either, until I came along. It took a few months, but I got her there .

Last night was kind of a big hit, though. She got really upset that she couldn't get me off and feels as if she is doing something wrong and feels like my body isn't responding to her anymore because she thinks that I'm bored with her. I assured her that I'm not, but she's still upset at the fact that she couldn't get me off.

Now, I have a very high libido. I'm easily turned on, and I like sex, and sometimes can't get enough of it. But, I can also limit myself. Especially when I know she's not feeling it. And the last two weeks, she hasn't really been in the mood. Sometimes, a simple touch can turn me on, but since I know that a lot of her touches lately haven't been meant to turn me on, I have controlled my over-sensitivities to keep her from thinking she is turning me on without meaning to.

Could the fact that I was controlling those urges have an affect on my ability to get off?

But even more of my concern lies on this: her sex drive. I want her to want sex; not just want to give it to me because she knows my drive is higher than hers. She has a lower self-image of herself and how her lady parts look, and her body in general. And for so long she was the "tough guy" the one who wasn't totally feminine in the bedroom, the one who didn't make girly moans and noises during sex. Typically, she never ever received from anyone. And she almost never masturbates, and I have a sneaking suspicion probably never did before I came along.

I know a lot of her issues need to be resolved by her and not really as a couple. She never used to want anyone to touch her, but she has let me in and trusted me enough, which, really, really means a lot to me. But, I know that her lack of sex drive might have a lot to do with her poor body image.

She's so frustrated with this and thinks that she can't please me and thinks there's something horribly wrong with her just because she has, as she puts it, "the libido of a 60-year-old man, but even some of them have higher than me."

I'm so sorry I made this long and it might be a little all over the place. I just figured that I could find some trusted advice from the users on here. I've always trusted this site for it's toy reviews and its sense of community over others. And now, I'm coming here for advice on this.
07/23/2011
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Elnoa Elnoa
Is she on birth control? Many of those medications will negatively affect the sex drive. It took me a long time to figure out that my problem was not mental, but hormonal (due to the birth control I was on).

Other medications, such as antidepressants, can also cause loss of libido. Stress can also reduce it.
07/24/2011
newlady newlady
Quote:
Originally posted by Elnoa
Is she on birth control? Many of those medications will negatively affect the sex drive. It took me a long time to figure out that my problem was not mental, but hormonal (due to the birth control I was on).

Other medications, such as ... More
That was my question too! Too me a long time to figure it out too.
07/24/2011
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
She isn't on any medication of any kinda. Years ago she said she was on anti-depressants after her father died, but she hasn't been on anything other than the occasional OTC pain pill for menstrual cramps.
07/24/2011
Elnoa Elnoa
I see, well, for one thing, what you are describing is a lot of performance anxiety: she feels anxiety that she isn't getting you off, and you feel anxiety because she is disinterested in sex. Perhaps you both should stop worrying so much? There ARE people who are genuinely not interested in sex, and perhaps your girlfriend is one of them. This is sometimes due to depression, trauma, or other mental factors, but sometimes not (sometimes it's hormonal and she can talk to her doctor to see if her hormones are out of whack). Sometimes it's temporary, and sometimes it lasts. The worst thing you can do sometimes is push someone to perform who is really not interested. If she is in it purely for your pleasure, but is herself not interested, then that may end up being a problem later on.

And I'm not trying to make it seem like you are forcing these choices on her! It seems like it's very much both of your decisions.
07/24/2011
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by Elnoa
I see, well, for one thing, what you are describing is a lot of performance anxiety: she feels anxiety that she isn't getting you off, and you feel anxiety because she is disinterested in sex. Perhaps you both should stop worrying so much? There ... More
Oh yes, I totally understand what you're getting at. I did a lot of research before posting this and found a variety of things that could be causing it.

I think that for the most part she is truly disinterested in it, which doesn't bother me. There are times when obviously, since I'm very interested, I want it, but I have toys and we do still have sex on a pretty regular basis (last night for example, we had a few drinks and ended up having pretty glorious sex).

Plus, she's never really been one to really discuss her sex life outside of the sex act itself.

I think if it's something that continues it might be the general disinterest or something else, but right now it's just something that tends to be frustrating sometimes.
07/24/2011
indiglo indiglo
It sounds to me like she should have a general physical. She should get her hormone levels checked, along with thyroid levels. (And not just the TSH, but also FreeT3/4) Wonky hormones and malfunctioning thyroid can cause major blows to libido. Has she had a thorough workup recently? If she has a good OB/GYN doctor, this is definitely something to make an appointment to discuss. Otherwise, she can talk to her GP about it.

It can be an uncomfortable thing to talk about, but in a long term relationship sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and discuss embarrassing things with your doctor because you love your partner. And this is nothing new, whatever doctor she talks to about has definitely heard this all before.
07/24/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
It sounds to me like she should have a general physical. She should get her hormone levels checked, along with thyroid levels. (And not just the TSH, but also FreeT3/4) Wonky hormones and malfunctioning thyroid can cause major blows to libido. ... More
Indiglo is absolutely right. She needs to see an MD and maybe get into some therapy for her anxiety. I have NO idea why she doesn't have a sex drive, it could one of a hundred or more things. But, a complete physical, making sure the doctor is TOLD she has no sex drive and she wants to do something about it and the doctor is taking her seriously is important. (Any doctor who tells her "Just relax" needs to be fired on the spot! There is more to it than that.)

The OP said: "Could the fact that I was controlling those urges have an affect on my ability to get off?" Absolutely. You sound very sensitive to her feelings. If she isn't getting interested, it's normal to not feel good about the sex. Getting some professional help, before this gets even worse is a good idea.

I hope she can get help quickly and things work out for you two.
07/24/2011
Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
Quote:
Originally posted by wrecklesswords
Hello all! This is my first time actually starting a discussion here, and I really hope that y'all can help me out.

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 6 months now. We started off as an LDR and now I live in the same city as ... More
I've been there. Ohhhh, have I been there.

I was that way in my current relationship. I loved him, I loved sex, but I just wasn't in the mood most of the time. We're in an LDR where we're about two hours away. I see him on the weekends.

For a while, we were in a rut with me not being in the mood. Strangely enough, me getting a job at an adult toy store, reading everything here on EF, getting new toys to try, and constantly being involved in this website have taken me from 0 to 60 . . . no, wait, 100.

Maybe you should talk to her and ask her how she feels and what could be causing her to have such a low libido. I felt exactly like she did. It was like the more he would try to initiate things, the less interested I was, even though I loved him dearly.

Even more frequent masturbation, whether you feel like it or not, can help boost your sex drive. I even tried herbal remedies like Damiana, which helped out a lot. The biggest thing is that she needs to feel sexy.

Maybe you should try to get her involved in the community? Get her excited about trying new toys with you. See if that helps.
07/25/2011
Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
Oh, again, I want to stress my point on making her feel sexy, but not like an object. Let her pick out some nice lingerie. I think my biggest obstacle was that I just didn't feel sexy.

I also read the book 'Reclaiming Your Sexual Self' which helped me out a whole lot. I decided that I was totally done with feeling like I had no desire. It takes a little effort at first to get back into the swing of things. That book helped me to identify some core issues I had that were the reason for my low libido.
07/25/2011
Jul!a Jul!a
I'm in the "truly disinterested in sex" category and it took a long time before I was ok with having sex on anything resembling a regular basis. Part of why I was so disinterested before was because I felt like it was being forced on me, but now it's more of a while I'm not actively in the mood, I'm not not in the mood either. Something that makes her feel sexy might help help her to be in the mood more often; new lingerie or massages, maybe even dirty talk. She might have a hormonal imbalance, but she might not. I got all the tests you can think of and all my hormone levels are right where they should be but I'm still not in the mood very often. I have found though that with a significant other with a higher sex drive than me, if I wasn't in the mood to have sex I would still get pleasure from helping my partner get off, and even that would sometimes put me in the mood.
07/25/2011
Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
I'm in the "truly disinterested in sex" category and it took a long time before I was ok with having sex on anything resembling a regular basis. Part of why I was so disinterested before was because I felt like it was being forced on ... More
That's one of the biggest things about it . . .

when you're not in the mood, you're not not in the mood, either.

Sometimes it took a little prodding for me to get into the mood, as well
07/25/2011
Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
That's one of the biggest things about it . . .

when you're not in the mood, you're not not in the mood, either.

Sometimes it took a little prodding for me to get into the mood, as well
Exactly. My husband has gotten pretty good at telling the difference between the two and when extra prodding will be productive for us or if it's just going to irritate me. It also took some work on my part to just be open to it if I wasn't not in the mood.
07/25/2011
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
I've been there. Ohhhh, have I been there.

I was that way in my current relationship. I loved him, I loved sex, but I just wasn't in the mood most of the time. We're in an LDR where we're about two hours away. I see him on the ... More
She and I are interested in looking for a strap-on and I've done a lot of review reading on here and whatnot. She and I are just waiting for our finances to allow a toy. I'm self-employed and don't have work very often and she's working minimum wage and paying all her house bills and insurance, blah blah, normal stuff.

So, would it be a good idea to maybe take her out one day and have her pick out some nice underthings? She's not much one for lingerie, but she is very girly when it comes to bras and panties. She has always wanted a matching bra+panty set.

Who is the author of this book you read? She gobbles books up and would probably be pretty interested in that one.
07/25/2011
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
It sounds to me like she should have a general physical. She should get her hormone levels checked, along with thyroid levels. (And not just the TSH, but also FreeT3/4) Wonky hormones and malfunctioning thyroid can cause major blows to libido. ... More
It has been a long time since she's really been to the doctor in general. She just recently left the Air Force and obviously had regular visits then, but it's probably been about a year or more since she's really been. And there's no telling how long it's been since she's been to see an OB/GYN.
07/25/2011
Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
Quote:
Originally posted by wrecklesswords
She and I are interested in looking for a strap-on and I've done a lot of review reading on here and whatnot. She and I are just waiting for our finances to allow a toy. I'm self-employed and don't have work very often and she's ... More
Dr. Kathryn Hall . . .

and here's a little description of the book:

"With Reclaiming Your Sexual Self, Kathryn Hall helps women regain desire without drugs or long-term psychotherapy, offering the validating view that women's sexual feelings provide important information about the nature and quality of our lives and relationships.

In this book, she discusses the possible physical bases for sexual desire problems, examining topics such as hormones, menopause, aging, and medications. However, since physical problems are rarely the culprit, Dr. Hall guides readers to an understanding of how normal and not so normal life events can throw off the delicate balance necessary for a strong sex drive. Finally, Hall reveals how women can connect with the right conditions that will ignite their sexual desire, no matter how deeply buried it might be."
07/25/2011
yiin yiin
I have that same issue and im starting to wonder about the birth control. I mean i want her to stay on it so we dont end up with a kid but id rather have a kid then her not enjoy sex.
07/28/2011
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by yiin
I have that same issue and im starting to wonder about the birth control. I mean i want her to stay on it so we dont end up with a kid but id rather have a kid then her not enjoy sex.
Well, could she switch to another method of birth control? Or a different dosage?
07/28/2011
Fireblood13 Fireblood13
I see a bit of myself in her. Has she ever considered the possibility that she is asexual? For some people it's normal to have little or not sex drive.

There may not be anything that you can do to increase her drive, but you can both learn how to make your relationship work. It almost seems like you're both feeding off each other and creating a stressful situation. As great as orgasms are, they don't always have to be the goal of sex. Sex is a great type of intimacy in itself. If she doesn't have an orgasm don't make a big deal about it. Alternately see if she feels obligated to say yes to sex. If she's not interested don't take it personally.
07/30/2011
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
We talked a bit last night, more than usual as she's not always open to talk about sex. She said that she thinks a lot of her problem is performance anxiety. Shed afraid she might do something wrong or when it's her turn she's afraid she will move wrong or make the wrong sounds. Plus, she said that sometimes as good as it feels and as much as she wants me touching her, she said that sometimes she just doesn't want to be touched, at the same time as wanting to be touched. I'm sure I mentioned it before but she does have a kind of negative body image. I'm only the second girl that she's ever let touch her intimately, and she only ever had sex with one guy. Someone recommended a book and I'm going to look for it and show it to her. She says she'd like to get past this anxiety and she also said she appreciates how much I understand and am willing to work with her rather than get angry or blame her for any of it.
08/03/2011
Ryuson Ryuson
As strange as it sounds, I'd invite her to join Eden. Different toys are a wonderful was to learn new things about yourself, and about different types of pleasure. If she learns about herself and how to make herself feel good, I feel that she would be more willing to let you make her feel good! Masturbating also heightens one's sexual awareness, and it will keep pleasure on her mind more! Maybe you could recommend her a toy and see if she'd be willing to experiment on herself a bit with it! Just my two cents!
08/03/2011
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Hey all! I figured I would update this posting.

Lately, my girlfriend and I have had sex semi-regularly to regularly. It's been pretty awesome. I have noticed that sometimes either halfway into her fucking me or halfway into me fucking her, she will get this look on her face like she's having to concentrate really hard to stay in the moment.

Last night she admitted to me that she will be way into the moment, the feeling, the sex, really horny, and then all of the sudden its as if her brain shuts down totally and she has to work hard on concentrating to keep the feeling or keep the mood.

I asked her if maybe it's just other thoughts getting into her mind, but she flat out said that it's like she's not even there anymore. Like in her own body. She says it's not anything I'm doing wrong, or anything that she's doing wrong, but like this huge switch flips and she's just not there anymore.

She even actually compared herself to the character Dexter from the TV show Dexter. That she feels like she has to fake every emotion with every person because she more or less doesn't have any real feelings other than apathy. She feels like other than survival, she has nothing to work toward, no passion like other people.

I have tried to console her and tell her that her not having much of a sex drive doesn't hurt me. Yeah, sometimes it hurts that I can't touch her and get her off, or that no matter how hard she or I work, I can't seem to get her off, but it's not the end all and be all of our relationship. However, it deeply, deeply hurts her because she feels like there's nothing about her that is "normal."

Would it be too harsh of me to maybe suggest some type of therapy? Maybe a general therapy or maybe even sex therapy? I'm not talking about a psychiatrist, either. I'm talking about actually going to a psychologist where she/we could get more in depth answers without all the drugs. She nor I are really into relying on drugs (except for pain/sickness) to make things better.
01/25/2012
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Unique posters: 10