Kong - the realistic - realistic dildo by Doc Johnson - review by nuclearn!ke

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Me, Jane. And You... Sir, are Ginormous

Fancy a roll on the rainforest floor? Prepare to be astounded, bedazzled, and otherwise stupefied. This well-hung gorilla is a work of sex toy art. His gloriously realistic appearance, eye-popping girth, thick veins and workable length will send you reeling. If you're not covered with sweat and panting like a primate by the time this beast is through with you, you're not trying hard enough!
Published:
Pros:
Huge, great suction cup, very realistic appearance, intense vein texture, not too long
Cons:
Requires lots of lube, not travel friendly, slight odor
Rating by reviewer:
4
extremely useful review

Use

I'm going to assume that you can all judge by the given measurements of this toy that it is absolutely, positively, most certainly, definitely, beyond any shadow of doubt not for beginners. Advanced users, rejoice! Intermediate users (myself included), tread carefully. With the added heavy-duty suction cup base it can be attached to just about any smooth surface and ridden hands free. Headboards, walls, floors, showers, mirrors, desk drawers, car windshields, ceiling fans, you name it, Kong will stick to it and stay put.

It can be used vaginally (if you're crazy) or anally (if you're crazier) and provides its user with ridiculously intense sensations of complete fullness. Take your time, utilize lots of lube, and Kong will most certainly deliver. Exercise care when first pushing Kong's considerable girth into yourself. He most certainly will stretch you... and it may hurt.

Box Description
Side View
Top View

(Be sure to check out the other links in this review. They link to pictures of the product!)
  • Who / How / What
    [ ? ]
    Who might this product be best for? How is it best used? What are the best circumstances or situations for using this product?
    • Couples
    • Everyone
    • Solo
  • Where
    [ ? ]
    Where / what types of places can this product be used?
    • Anywhere
    • Campus/roommate living
    • Tub/shower/pool
  • Body / part areas
    [ ? ]
    What areas on the body can this product be used / what areas does it stimulate best?
    • Anywhere you dare

Material / Texture

The box that Kong comes in clearly labels Kong as being made of Sil-a-Gel. So does the Doc Johnson Website. EdenFantasys says it's made of rubber. The care instructions which come with Kong only describe how to care for rubber and UR3 products and fail to mention Sil-a-Gel at all. So what the devil is this toy made out of!? Here's what I can tell you: with all of the other Sil-a-Gel products I own (4) I believe that Kong was molded of the very same material. Though considerably thicker than my second largest Sil-a-Gel toy it presents all the same properties. It is firm yet cushiony enough to be desirable, slightly sticky, tasteless, and emits only a faint rubbery odor. DJ has also added a somewhat fruity scent to hide what little odor there is.

Honest to goodness I was fearing the smell the toy might emit would be a more fearsome opponent than Kong itself. But it really, seriously wasn't and I'm quite pleasantly surprised.
    • Light odor
    • Somewhat porous
    • Sticky

Design / Shape / Size

Since so many of you seem fixated on the hair affixed to this cock (it does say "realistic" on the box you know), let’s discuss! Here’s a list of entirely probable reasons as to why this dildo has pubic hair: (choose one)

(A) There is an unspoken constitution among sex toy makers which states, “Should you devise a dildo of such magnitude as to warrant it be named after and associated with a giant hairy beast of myth, the dildo in question must also be made to have hair.”
(B) Doc Johnson is a responsible parent that wishes for you to remain utterly guilt-free knowing that its progeny has reached puberty.
(C) This is a hipster dildo. It wears its hair ironically because it has absolutely no use for hair.
(D) It is such a densely packed mass of hyper-masculinity that it developed a conscience and produced the hair out of sheer willpower.

Whatever the reason, I confess I found it genuinely amusing that DJ seems so intent on making the stuff a selling point to their customers. Using an adjective like “silky” on it is quite the verbal embellishment.

”...Don, your chocolaty brown pubes look so soft! Can I stroke them? Even just a little bit? They make me so... so hot...” (Barrage of eyelash fluttering)
(Lecherous grin, tooth sparkle) “Hell yeah, baby. That’s right. Rub ‘em just like that, you naughty, naughty—”

And the next thing you know she’s asking him how often he deep conditions his belly bush, completely ignoring the fact his massive, throbbing member is prodding her right in the eye. Um, like, hello!? Get real! When you’ve got a pussy pulverizing (mine is a tad sore... in case you're wondering), ass annihilating, spine splintering, 9 inch long, 2 pound behemoth staring you in the face you won’t give a damn about the pubic hair! Hell, you won’t even be able see it around this cock’s girth (7 and a quarter inches around the bulge in the shaft). It’d be like standing in the middle of the North Pole looking south and trying to spot your Aunt Sally vacationing in Mexico.

For those of you that enjoy a little fuzz on your toys, I have news: the hair on this toy is so easily removed that there’s just about no reason for DJ to have made their halfhearted attempt to put it there at all. I’m sorry. All I can tell you is to buy one of those costume mustaches and try to make do. But just how easily does it come off? I kept trying to think of an example, and the best I can come up with is that pulling the hair out feels like peeling a sticker off of a rubber ball. It’s rather odd. Removing the hairs results in the appearance of many small "pores" in the surface of the toy, and I am somewhat worried they will tear and force me to dispose of Kong prematurely.

Giggle inducing pubic hair aside, Kong is one beautiful dildo in person. The pictures really don't do it justice. Its near perfect skin tone, finely shaped head, bulging, pale blue veins and natural looking balls could've fooled me. All this made Kong an extremely attractive investment but I'm afraid I sorely (again, at the expense of my aching vagina, I included a pun) underestimated its size. The average user should cautiously give it a try but this toy is not for everyone. Pain tolerance and patience are a must.
    • Realistic

Performance

I swear I did all the math with this dildo. Honest. Naturally, I’m still flabbergasted.

Okay! All right, I admit it! My eyes were bigger than my vagina! I couldn't help but hold Kong up to my computer screen in dismay and compare it with the pictures which originally sold me on the product. These couldn't possibly be the same thing. That one looks manageable. Still huge, but manageable. The one in my hand is so...well, I have fairly small hands, but I can't even get my thumb and forefinger to touch when I wrap them around the thickest part of this dildo. Separated by an entire inch of space, in fact.

If you've read my other review (Braving the Ballsy Bull) you may recall that I mentioned that Ballsy stretches me to a comfortable limit. Kong, on the other hand, feels a lot like what I imagine an unfortunate encounter with a traffic cone to be. Even after an extensive warm-up session complete with plenty of lube, a little loving from the Classic Dong and my Hitachi Magic Wand, I was still unprepared for the sheer stiffness and girth of this toy.

I inserted the head with ease and it felt phenomenal. For a moment I thought, "How do ya like me now, you overgrown sausage!?" Unfortunately... I quickly ran into trouble with Kong's characteristically large bulge (oh, my poor, defenseless ego). That bulge took a lot of patience and careful maneuvering to accommodate. Once I had it took even more time for my body to adapt. Lying there, while more or less relaxed, I was finally able to thrust with him. Quite hard, too (What can I say? I was frustrated!). I know I've already stated that the head alone was phenomenal, but allow me to add that Kong in his entirety is even better (so long as you're not pressed for time).

Kong probably needed more time and patience than my horny self was willing to give and I'm not going to demerit this toy for my own indiscretion. It's not at all a bad option if you like very large, firm (but still flexible) and realistic feeling toys. My Ballsy is fairly large and quite firm but not nearly to the extent that Kong is. I will still keep Kong around until I find a dildo better suited to my anatomy, though I will only ride him during occasions in which I'm feeling particularly Amazonian and adventurous. Currently I will be on the lookout for a realistic looking dildo of less girth, without bulges of unreported size and made of a more forgiving material than Sil-a-Gel.

Then again, I may eventually fall into rhythm with Kong, and become better acquainted with what it takes to conquer him.

Base of Shaft Circumference
Head Circumference
    • Not discreet at all

Care and Maintenance

Though anti-bacterial and non-toxic, Sil-a-Gel is semi-porous and still has the ability to transmit bacteria and cause infections if left uncleaned. However, it is very easy to maintain, making avoiding irritation and infections even easier. All it requires is a bath in warm water and mild antibacterial soap after use (a rinse may be required prior to use if it's holding onto any lint and hair) and can be air dried or gingerly patted down with a cloth towel. Always use a condom if you plan to utilize your toys in multiple orifices or share toys with a partner.

Only use silicone or water-based lubricants with Sil-a-Gel and store them away from toys made of different materials. Coming into contact with an incompatible lubricant or toy may result in a reaction between the two and cause them to break down chemically.
    • Easy to clean
    • Easy to store

Packaging

Kong comes delivered in a medium-sized cardboard box that is possible to use for storage if you have the space (and, incidentally, if you're a hell of a lot more audacious than me). I say "audacious" because the box is plastered with images of Kong on all six sides. Go on, then. You just try to pretend that isn't a penis.

The more socially acceptable alternative for storing Kong comes with your order in the form of a nice red drawstring pouch. It does tend to leave little threads on Kong but it's better than nothing. Be warned, though. It also has the Doc Johnson logo on it and the thin cloth doesn't do anything to hide the shape or size of your dildo if you happen to have left it in plain sight. Plastic zip-lock bags always work great too.
    • Not discreet
    • Recyclable
Follow-up commentary
Since having purchased a few toys that better prepare me for the girth-monster that is Kong, I've found this toy was well worth its price tag. He doesn't come out to play very often (once a month, perhaps) but when he does, I'm feelin' fine for weeks.
This content is the opinion of the submitting contributor and is not endorsed by EdenFantasys.com
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This review was edited by
  • DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
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  • Edited reviews: 144
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Comments
  • AmberM
    AmberM  
    Great review, made me laugh a lot too!
  • pinkzombie
    pinkzombie  
    Great review!
  • Lock
    Lock  
    Hahaha, great review, very useful and even fun to read. Thank you.
  • LinToxic
    LinToxic  
    LOL! Great review funny!
  • comatose-kitty
    comatose-kitty  
    XD i agree this thing absolutely not for beginners.
  • PassionCpl
    PassionCpl  
    Wonderful review, I love your style. And my eyes are watering just from reading about this beast!
  • Blooddragon
    Blooddragon  
    TY!
  • Sima-pusya
    Sima-pusya  
    Thanks for the review.
  • ginainohio78
    ginainohio78  
    thanks
  • KrissyNovacaine
    KrissyNovacaine  
    Thanks for the review!
  • Lioncub
    Lioncub  
    Thanks for the review.
  • leanright69
    leanright69  
    One of the best and entertaining reviews I have read. Thank you.
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