About as Fun as Sticking Your Dick into a Cheese Grater

This robopenisinator is one big contraption designed to simulate a variety of experiences that men crave. It’s big, bulky, and a technological nightmare. Don’t bother with this one.
Published:
Pros:
Provides a very unique, multi-media masturbation experience.
Cons:
Expensive, complicated setup, expensive, leaks lube all over, expensive, noisy, expensive.
Rating by reviewer:
1
extremely useful review

Use

I’m surprised that the Real Touch wasn’t called the “Penis-o-matic” – it looks like it is designed to slice, dice, and juilienne cocks. Fortunately, it doesn’t do that (damn, that would HURT!) but it does provide a mastubatory experience unlike any other I’ve had. That being said, I’m glad I was home when it was delivered – it’s so big and heavy that I thought that we were having an earthquake, or that a big rig had just rolled across my porch, when the US Postal Service dropped it off. I’m just glad it didn’t wake up the neighbors or set off any car alarms. The size of the unopened packing box, alone, is enough to strike a bit of fear into anyone with a dick, assuming that they know what is packed inside – a high tech, multi-media jackoff, fucking, anal, oral sex, male enhancement machine that claims to “improve your sex life, and leave you fulfilled by a wide variety of amazing encounters.” What penis could ask for more?

At first glance, the Real Touch gives the impression that it may actually live up to the manufacturer’s claims – it is beautifully packaged in a sealed box. All parts are individually wrapped and stored to prevent damage during shipping. In addition to the size of the device, there are also quite a few parts: cords, power adapter, a “USB Mini-Tower”, instruction manual, a DVD, and a small bottle of lube.

Just taking the Real Touch out of the box reveals that this is one heavy penis devouring monster. At three and a half pounds, you’ll get a good workout and build up a lot of sweat just hefting it onto your dick. It’s also really big – look how it compares with other maturbators:

Real Touch

In the above photo, you'll see the Real Touch, a Fleshlight, a Tenga Flip Hole, and a Vicky Quicky Pocket Pussy. Yes, even a Fleshlight looks small compared to the Real Touch!

It didn’t take long (perhaps all of five seconds) to figure out that a fairly elaborate setup is required just to pound it for the first time. In addition to the assembly that’s required, an extensive set of instructions is provided that must be followed. Plan on taking a cold shower first, if you have any intent on pounding it right out of the box – it’s going to take some time before you can pop the Real Touch’s cherry for the first time.

Fortunately, the assembly instructions are well-written and extensive. To begin the process, it’s necessary to assemble the various parts and also fill the special lube reservoir prior to every use (lube is automatically dispensed during use and also when the device is first turned on). I was dismayed to learn that the reservoir consumed all 3.5 ounces of lube – this thing was going to be a lube hog. In addition to assembly, a software application must first be installed on your computer as the Real Touch only works in response to specially prepared videos. These videos allegedly provide a sensory experience for your penis that emulates what is being viewed (more on that in a bit). These videos are available on the Real Touch web site and there are also a few on an enclosed DVD. This contraption will only work with these videos.

Installing the “Platform Agent” (software application) is where I ran into the first snag and it was necessary for me to contact tech support via the manufacturer’s online chat. That was a bit awkward, to say the least, as I was sitting there covered with cords and the other parts, trying to figure out why I couldn’t see everything on the installation window. Tech support revealed that I had to change the screen resolution on my monitor for the installation process. Not only was that a pain, but I couldn’t help but wonder if their tech support people get a lot of jollies knowing they are chatting with naked and aroused men as they are struggling with setup so they can get off! Part of the installation process also requires registration on their site. Interestingly, their tech support could tell that I had successfully activated the Real Touch and that it was functional just from the chat (either they could tell by the IP address or from the e-mail account I used during registration). This leads me to wonder if Real Touch also knows (keeps track of) when you’re using their contraption to get off. Who knows, perhaps they’ll someday have an ejaculation meter available on their site that says, “5 million loads served.”

Okay, setup was now complete and I was finally able to put it through its maiden voyage! Wow! I arranged the various cords and attachments so they would be out of the way and took a look at some of the videos that are available online. I first looked at some of the free ones as I was ready to experience the “incredible sensations” promised on the Real Touch web site. Videos come in two flavors – straight and gay – with ten free videos available for each. Although registration on the Real Touch website is required, you can only view them when your Real Touch is connected to your computer. To make things a bit more difficult, you can’t tell what kind of porn will be on each one as selections only have titles such as “Free Video 1”, “Free Video 2”, etc. No descriptions are provided so you must hunt around for the flavor of porn you want to use. It is also possible to purchase or rent (e.g., spend a lot more money) on many other videos and those can be searched by category or sex act.

Even though the Real Touch would seem to offer the ultimate masturbatory experience, it’s a complete failure. During the first three uses, I had to contact their online chat tech support three times due to the device’s refusal to perform and finally gave up. One shouldn’t need to spend endless amounts of time just to get off and having to call tech support is about the most unarousing thing imaginable. Even when the Real Touch does work, it fails to produce experiences that replicate those on the videos. If nothing else, it feels like sticking your dick into a cheese grater (okay, maybe it’s not quite that bad but it’s really not that great either).
  • Who / How / What
    [ ? ]
    Who might this product be best for? How is it best used? What are the best circumstances or situations for using this product?
    • Masturbation
    • Solo play
  • Where
    [ ? ]
    Where / what types of places can this product be used?
    • Private place
    • Requires large setup space

Material / Texture

The Real Touch is a complicated device made primarily from plastic and TPE. The parts that come in conduct with your dick are made from TPE, a soft material that has a texture that looks like the Caterpillar track on a tank. When it works, the tracks (or belts) spin and move as they attempt to replicate the feel of the action being displayed on the video. More often than not, this fells like something spinning on my dick and is a tickling/tingling sensation. Overall, the TPE is very soft but really doesn’t seem to feel like real skin in the Real Touch – I think this is probably due to the motion of the interior belts rather than the texture of the TPE.
    • Textured interior

Shape / Design / Size / Fit

This contraption is BIG and HEAVY. It is designed specifically for solo play and due to the wires, cords, “minitower”, power adapter, etc. you need to have enough space to set it up. The assembly process, alone, is a major chore. Of course, if it performed well, it might be worth it but it doesn’t. According to the information on this product, it has a vaginal depth of 9” so it should work for most men. Even though it is so big and bulky, most of the action seems to occur on your dickhead and doesn’t do much for the base of your shaft.

The Real Touch is designed to imitate real experiences but it really doesn’t feel like that. There are several features that are rather cool – it heats up to body temperature and the interior belts do provide a variety of sensations. It’s also supposed to “get wet” (by releasing lube) just like a real vagina. I found, however, that this feature does nothing more than make a very BIG mess – lube leaks everywhere including places you don’t want it (like down your leg). This penis-o-matic just makes a huge mess of everything. As if that’s not bad enough, the device DRINKS lube – if you like spending money on gallons of lube, the Real Touch is for you!

It should not be surprising that this thing is also very loud and can certainly be heard from other rooms. Unless you want an audience, this is probably best used when no one else is around. It does scare the cats away and that's not necessarily a bad thing . . .

I’ve already mentioned this thing is HEAVY – you’ll get a workout just hefting this thing on your junk. Again, if it performed well, this might not be a problem. Just the same, the effort simply isn’t worth it.
    • Futuristic
    • Messy
    • Loud

Functions / Performance / Controls

The Real Touch is designed as a true hands-free masturbator, in other words you're supposed to just stick you’re dick in it and let this masturbator do all the work. Unfortunately, there are several things that must take place first before you can get that experience. At the moment, the Real Touch must receive a signal encoded in a specially prepared video. Some free videos are available on the Real Touch web site and ten sample videos are provided on a disk. The only way to view these is with the device connected to the computer. It is not possible to preview these or even see a sample first if it’s not connected. Real Touch also sells additional videos at exorbitant prices (about $40 for just an hour). A coupon is provided so that you can try the paid videos for 60 minutes. I wasn’t able to do that because the Real Touch stopped working (and by that time, I was too frustrated to contact tech support again) - I could watch the video but the Real Touch didn't respond. That was about as much fun as having a watermelon stuck on my cock.

This virtual masturbator currently has two types of videos available – those that claim to give you the same type of experiences being viewed in the video (e.g., vaginal sex, handjob, blowjob, anal, etc.) and a “male enhancement” experience. Very little of what I viewed seemed to feel like the real thing and the “male enhancement” training consists of nothing more than having the interior belts spinning against your cock.

I want to reiterate that the Real Touch must be connected to a computer to use it. With the exception of the of the ten sample video on a DVD that is provided, it must also be connected to the Internet. In addition to the obvious privacy concerns (yes, Real Touch can monitor when you're jacking off or, at the very least, tell when you're connected and logged on to their web site), options should be provided so that it can be used without having to worry that some stranger can tell when you're engaged in stimulating your penis. The least Real Touch should done would have been to provide a lawn sign that says - "Do not disturb - occupant is getting off!"

It should almost go without saying that the Real Touch needs to be disconnected from all power sources before cleaning to prevent electrocution.
    • Doesn't work
    • Hard to figure out
    • Requires tech support

Care and Maintenance

This may be the ultimate “interactive sex device for men” but it’s also the ultimate pain in the ass to clean. After first dissembling all of the parts (besides the device, there’s the “minitower”, the power supply, and various cords), you’ll be completely covered with lube and so will the Real Touch because it leaks so much. Don’t expect to the cleaning process to be any less messy than during use. Once everything has been taken apart, the outer casing of the penis-o-matic must then be removed and water run over the belts in order to clean it. Rotating the belts manually is also difficult. Real Touch provides a video of the cleaning procedure - note that the guy in the vid is fully dressed – he has obviously not just used it as he would have been covered with gallons of lube.

Due to its size and complexity, the Real Touch needs to dry completely before storing it again. Because it’s not possible to determine how much, if any, lube remains inside after use, I place plastic underneath it so that lube doesn't leak all over. I'm also very afraid that it will continue to leak lube while not in use.
    • Difficult to store
    • Hard to clean
    • High maintenance

Packaging

The only thing missing from the packaging are flashing lights declaring “SEX TOY INSIDE” – the box essentially screams that a penis-o-matic is contained within the anything-but-subtle box. Fortunately, an interior corrugated cardboard box contains the device and all of the parts. I would recommend getting rid of the outside packaging and using just the plain cardboard box if you wish to be a bit more discreet.
    • Not discreet
    • Recyclable

Personal comments

The robo-penisnator may be a great concept but I found it to be a huge disappointment. It’s big, heavy, a pain to setup, teardown, and clean. It is extremely messy. While the purpose of the Real Touch should be to help men get off – the tech problems, alone, are nightmarish. The fact that Real Touch charges outlandish fees if you want to view videos from their paid collection is also a major problem. There is nothing exceptional about the “free” videos that are available. It’s not even possible to preview them before use.

The concept that the Real Touch can be used for “male enhancement” is also very flawed. In order to just get your dick into it, it’s necessary to be very, very hard – otherwise, you’re out of luck. Got erectile problems? Forget it - just buy a cheap penis pump instead. Want to try and increase your stamina? The Fleshlight STU is a better choice. About the only thing that the Real Touch will enhance is your level of frustration.

At the moment, the manufacturer claims that they’ll be adding a new feature called, “Live Experiences” which will “offer you a better way to talk, chat and connect intimately with anyone across virtual environments. Distance and geography will no longer be a barrier to intimacy.” While that sounds interesting, I can’t help but think that the sensations will not be any different than what they are now. That also brings up the matter of traveling with this device. Traveling with this contraption would be a nightmare – you’ll need to pack a separate suitcase because it weighs so much. Then there's security. . . I'm sure that TSA would get their jollies asking, “Excuse me sir, will you take that penis-o-matic out of the bag and turn it on so we will know that it’s not a bomb?”

Unless you like the novelty of this highly priced masturbator, I would strongly recommend getting several Fleshlights or Tenga Flip Holes instead – they’re far less expensive and feel much better. Not only that, but you won’t spend half your life setting up and cleaning.
Follow-up commentary
The RealTouch is, without question, the most disappointing toy I've used. Besides all of the problems I've already discussed in the review, there are also VERY SERIOUS concerns surrounding privacy - these are so serious that they must be mentioned here. Specifically, the Real Touch software application makes changes to the system registry on your computer. When I had a problem with another application and needed to contact tech support, they required a system log. Upon examining that log, I found . . . yup, you got it - the Real Touch leaves traces of itself all over your computer's registry. Should you need tech support for other, completely unrelated software programs, you are at risk of sharing the private moments between you and your computer. I even found links to the RealTouch web site in the registry. The RealTouch has some very real problems. I'm very sorry I bothered with this.
This content is the opinion of the submitting contributor and is not endorsed by EdenFantasys.com
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Comments
  • smasmasma
    smasmasma  
    thanks for the review!
  • B8trDude
    B8trDude  
    You're very welcome, smasmasma!
  • ejrbrndps
    ejrbrndps  
    thanks for the review
  • B8trDude
    B8trDude  
    You're welcome, ejrbrndps.
  • noway
    noway  
    love this review, I greatly prefer your names for the product than the actual one (robopenisinator, penis-o-matic, etc). This review totally cracked me up! Thanks!
  • B8trDude
    B8trDude  
    Thank you very much, noway! This was an easy one to come up with other names
  • Bleu
    Bleu  
    This is honestly my favorite review! It was funny and very informative. A friend of mine wanted one of these (since I told him he could buy it on Eden) but I will def. have to let him read your review.
  • B8trDude
    B8trDude  
    That's great,Bleu! Thank you very much. I'm glad it helped!
  • HintOfMystery
    HintOfMystery  
    Thanks for your review. I agree with many of your points including cost, setup time, noise, and lube. The only different opinion I have is that I find the results worth it. No biggie as we each may have different desires. Thanks again.
  • B8trDude
    B8trDude  
    You're welcome, HintOfMystery.
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    Wizard11  
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