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Baby, can I suck your toes, on the counter, when I'm drunk????

From a toy cleanser, to bondage tape, and massage oil to cock ring; this bag of ticks is sure to have something that will please everyone.
Published:
Pros:
Something for everyone, a lot for the money.
Cons:
Bag obnoxiously large, small samples.
Rating by reviewer:
4
extremely useful review

Use

Pipe dreams has taken a little bit of everything, that might excite or even frighten someone. Dressed it up in a colored (red) theme, and placed everything neatly in a heart shaped bag. Grab your significant other, and pull up a bed. There is something in this pack that is sure to delight everyone.

Texture / Consistency / Thickness / Viscosity

Lovers cocktail: Seems thick for a massage oil, slick, but doesn't absorb well.

Fuzzy naval hooch: Medium thickness, but does not pour from the bottle well. This is mainly because (I believe) I punched the foil top in, instead of peeling the seal completely off.

Toy cleaner: Thin, but thicker than water, pours nicely.

Taste / Aroma

The fuzzy naval hooch is absolutely wonderful, smells and tastes like....well a fuzzy naval! I wish this had come in a larger size!

Lovers cocktail massage oil, lightly scented, but I wouldn't bother tasting this one, unless you plan on rinsing your mouth out quickly.

Performance

Lets go down the list, shall we?

Duct tape (It really does come in a rainbow of colors!) I'm kidding, but that was my first impression, and I was very hesitant to dive into this part of the kit. Who wants a bunch of sticky tape on their skin? maybe it's appealing if it's time for a good wax, otherwise, no thanks.

No, in reality this tape is NOT sticky at all...it's just plastic and sticks to itself NOT the individual. It is hard to just tear though.

Anti bacterial toy cleaner, the only thing I wish this thing came with was a different lid, spritzer, or squeeze. Because it is a 'sampling' I accidentally spilled it and lost most the contents. It seemed to do a decent job in cleaning toys though.

Lovers cocktail warming massage, again, with the bottle, changing the lid can be nothing less than beneficial. Instantly warms on contact, and intensify's as you blow kisses onto your lover. However, feels very thick and heavy. Sweet smelling, but not a very pleasant flavor, does not absorb into the skin quickly.

Heart shaped massager, this had to be the one piece I was most excited about. That was, until I read the directions.

"1. Hold metal disk inside of heat pack and flex back and forth until crystals form.
2. Knead crystals to distribute evenly and soften up the heat pack.
3. Apply heat pack to desired area. To prolong heat, cover heat pack with a thin towel during use.

TO REUSE:

Place small towel in bottom of pan and fill with water. Place heat pack on towel and bring water to a boil. Boil for a full 10 minutes until ALL crystals dissolve. When the pad is completely clear use tongs to take it out of the water and place it on a cloth to cool down. Cool the heat pack and repeat steps 1-3"

I'm sorry.......WHAT? Ok ok, it's super cool watching the crystals form, it's reusable, and feels good, the heat lasted a sufficient amount of time.. But I'm an on the go kind of person, not too terribly sure the maintenance this requires will keep it in our usual routine..

Blindfold, cheap, unattractive, thin plastic.

Anal plug/love beads: Honestly, I've never tried anything like this before. My anal area has always been an 'exit only' cavity. That being said, I think it will continue to stay that way. I was not left in any pain, and despite taking our time and using lots of lube it was just plan uncomfortable for me. There are major safety issues in regards to sharing these products, the plug is porus and the love beads have a nylon(?) string.

Cock ring: I thought this was absolutely adorable, it's pink and heart shaped, soft and pliable. My husband has never had an issue with staying firm, so I don't think it really helped us out, but it certainly didn't hurt things!!

The mini massager: Probably the best item in the pack. Includes three attaching heads, very intense for it's size, this baby packs a punch!! Just make sure the door is closed, this little treasure is a bit loud.

Lovers Lotto: With options like 'suck partners toes, on the counter, when your drunk' how can you go wrong!? Only downside, you only get three cards.

Fuzzy naval hooch: Also very very good, smells great, tastes wonderful

Packaging

Everything comes neatly contained in a pipe dreams heart shaped vinyl bag. It's cute, but the bag is way over sized for what comes with it. The size would be perfect if the massage oil, toy cleaner, fuzzy naval, came in full sized bottles.

All the other products came individually wrapped in plastic bags.
Follow-up commentary
we still really enjoy this product, I really miss the fuzzy naval hooch, and really wish they had given more. (But I realize this is a sampler type kit). It didn't last near long enough!
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer. This review is in compliance with the FTC guidelines.
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Comments
  • NuclearTeapot
    NuclearTeapot  
    Great review!
  • guard083
    guard083  
    Thanks for the review
  • Eva Schwaltz
    Eva Schwaltz  
    This looks like a really fun kit, thanks for reviewing.
  • Sarah <3
    Sarah <3  
    Yeh I agree looks fun but I don't like the fact that the bag is huge and the samples are small..hmmm
  • SiNn
    SiNn  
    ty for the review
  • Jon S
    Jon S  
    we want this
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