How should I tell my wife that I want to have her use a strap on?

kfdarling kfdarling
I am really wanting my wife to use a strap on on me, but she does not seem very into it. She reluctantly will finger me when she gives a hand job. Any suggestions?
02/23/2011
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Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by kfdarling
I am really wanting my wife to use a strap on on me, but she does not seem very into it. She reluctantly will finger me when she gives a hand job. Any suggestions?
If she is reluctant you need to determine what is bothering her. Is she worried about germs and such? Does it feel odd to her? Does she worry that you might decide you like men more than women if you enjoy prostate stimulation? You'd be surprised how many women still believe that.

Then you need to determine whether she would feel comfortable wearing a harness. Does she like wearing sexy lingerie or feel uncomfortable and self conscious? I have noticed a correlation between the two annecdotally.

You could show her some of the harnesses here on EF and read the reviews together while you discuss how hot you think she'd look in it. Be open about your desire to try it out and see if she's interested. Be gentle and don't take anything she says personally...there is a lot of taboo around anal sex especially for men. Be prepared to wait for her to become comfortable with the idea and perhaps try some butt plugs/probes for yourself to fill the need while you wait. Share with her how much you enjoy the experience and WHY you enjoy it.

Learn about the prostate and how it feels pleasure so you can explain that this isn't a homosexual leaning it is simply biological! Learn about how the body deals with waste and how to minimize the "dirt" of the whole experience. Tristan Taormino's Guide to Anal Sex For Men link could be an invaluable resource for you in this endevour! She's an amazing writer and it could be worth exploring for both of you.

Good luck!
02/23/2011
hive83 hive83
Quote:
Originally posted by kfdarling
I am really wanting my wife to use a strap on on me, but she does not seem very into it. She reluctantly will finger me when she gives a hand job. Any suggestions?
We went trough this a few years ago anything new is sometimes very difficult. Try to be open and communicate your desire to try new things together.This is now just another part of our sex life. I really wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for the best. If you both can get into it it really is an amazing gift to share together.
02/23/2011
CrimsonCat CrimsonCat
While Airen Wolf gave useful good advice that is hard not to repeat, I will add that maybe you can begin with your own butt plugs during your sexual moments with her, and let her know that this is very good/natural/safe/non- homosexual for you individually and can also be enjoyed as a couple.

Be patient; don't expect her to accept it a few months later (my fiancee took like 4 years, and yes, I started with butt plugs).
02/23/2011
kfdarling kfdarling
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
If she is reluctant you need to determine what is bothering her. Is she worried about germs and such? Does it feel odd to her? Does she worry that you might decide you like men more than women if you enjoy prostate stimulation? You'd be surprised ... More
Wow great advice Airen! I think this may be a difficult intoduction. I am looking at starting with a massager first and move up.
02/24/2011
kfdarling kfdarling
Quote:
Originally posted by kfdarling
Wow great advice Airen! I think this may be a difficult intoduction. I am looking at starting with a massager first and move up.
good advice, thank you!
02/24/2011
kfdarling kfdarling
Quote:
Originally posted by CrimsonCat
While Airen Wolf gave useful good advice that is hard not to repeat, I will add that maybe you can begin with your own butt plugs during your sexual moments with her, and let her know that this is very good/natural/safe/non- homosexual for you ... More
Wow four years! Thanks for the advice. It sounds like a lot a fun!
02/24/2011
CrimsonCat CrimsonCat
Well, those four years paid off well. Pegging is the best sexual activity that a couple can do.
Btw, the great Nina Hartley has a video guide about Strapon sex that also covers pegging.
Again, don't jump the gun and be patient.
02/24/2011
Spilock Spilock
I've been in a similar boat, but we managed to cross that hurdle fairly smoothly. She most likely has discomforts towards aspects of it, and you'll just need to (respectfully) find out what those are and address them. If it's cleanliness, than do your best to ensure that it's spic and span down there. If it's homosexuality implications, explain to her the pleasure aspect for you, and how you're not interested in men in the slightest.

For my wife, it was primarily a mixed fear thing. There wasn't so much of the cleanliness, but she had deep down fears of either hurting me or me leaving her because of it. After we finally got past it and did it the first time, I showered her with love and affection, and did everything I could to cement in her that it was one more thing that made her that much more special. We still haven't done it often, but she's infinitely more comfortable with it now, sometimes even teasing me with it.
02/24/2011
kfdarling kfdarling
Quote:
Originally posted by Spilock
I've been in a similar boat, but we managed to cross that hurdle fairly smoothly. She most likely has discomforts towards aspects of it, and you'll just need to (respectfully) find out what those are and address them. If it's cleanliness, ... More
So when you are talking about making sure things are clean are you talking about like an anal syringe? I have never done that before and it just seems a little odd.
02/25/2011
CrimsonCat CrimsonCat
Quote:
Originally posted by kfdarling
So when you are talking about making sure things are clean are you talking about like an anal syringe? I have never done that before and it just seems a little odd.
He might be referring to that, but also might be referring to being shaved.

Frankly, I shave and douche each time, precisely because I don't want to make a 'taboo' more, um, 'taboo'. Don't want to leave a bad impression.
02/25/2011
MeliPixie MeliPixie
I had many of the fears mentioned here. I thought perhaps if I pegged my boy, perhaps he would decide he liked it enough to leave me for a man. Or that perhaps he would want my cock more often than he was willing to give me his, or my body would cease to turn him on in favor of my dildo. It took me about six months to finally work up the courage to strap it on (figuratively, since we have a Feeldoe), but once I did, I often crave pegging him almost as often as I crave having him inside me! And none of my fears were founded! After a year and a half we're still a very heterosexually sensual couple, and there is nothing gay or terribly scary about pegging. I wish you luck, this is a big step in the trust level of a relationship. Happy pegging! ^_^
03/25/2011
kfdarling kfdarling
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
I had many of the fears mentioned here. I thought perhaps if I pegged my boy, perhaps he would decide he liked it enough to leave me for a man. Or that perhaps he would want my cock more often than he was willing to give me his, or my body would ... More
Great post! How do you like the feeldoe? It looks like a dream just not sure if I should get that or a harness strap on.
03/25/2011
kfdarling kfdarling
I think I am going to start with a prostate toy first then get a strap.
03/25/2011
MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by kfdarling
Great post! How do you like the feeldoe? It looks like a dream just not sure if I should get that or a harness strap on.
If you want something that won't intimidate your girl, I highly recommend the Feeldoe Slim because it doesn't exactly look like a penis while still having a head to stimulate your prostate, plus it's a nice soothing shade of blue. I have however found, as many women have, that for pegging purposes the bulb of the Feeldoe can get difficult to hold through an extended session. In this case I have had recommended to me the Fun Factory Share, which if you think as a beginner you think you can take the girth, is supposed to fit the G-spot and woman's internal curves for a better grip.

Also, the use of any sort of double will ensure she knows that you're interested as much in her pleasure as her own. And that's very important to us girls, knowing that what we want or need matters too. just remember not to pressure her too hard, but don't give up on your own needs too. It can be a difficult thing to balance. May I ask what other items you have been considering?
03/25/2011
kfdarling kfdarling
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
If you want something that won't intimidate your girl, I highly recommend the Feeldoe Slim because it doesn't exactly look like a penis while still having a head to stimulate your prostate, plus it's a nice soothing shade of blue. I have ... More
I have been looking at a number of g spot/p spot toys. I really like the Slimline marble g but it is out of stock still. The last one the Share you suggested looks very hot!
03/25/2011
MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by kfdarling
I have been looking at a number of g spot/p spot toys. I really like the Slimline marble g but it is out of stock still. The last one the Share you suggested looks very hot!
I agreeeee. The only problem is that it's even wider than the Feeldoe Violet, which for us wouldn't work well, but I don't know your anus ^^;;

Hmmm, the Slimline Marble G is not a P-spot stimulator, it's a G-spot stimulator. The angle is similar... However, I definitely do no recommend putting this particular toy in your butt. In this humble pegger's opinion, the base of that toy is definitely not big enough to keep it from getting entirely swallowed into your rectum and sucked into your colon, especially after stretching your anus enough to insert that bulbous head. Since you're looking for your first toy, you probably don't know your anal area very well just yet, so a toy you could lose is not necessarily your best choice. When properly lubed, things can get quite slippery, and relying on your hands to hold a toy outside your body is not a good way to go. (I say all this because I've had this terrifying thing happen to me, and I'm quite experienced in anal play.)

A good first anal toy would be a simple butt plug, and which one you get depends on your own opinion. My boyfriend and I started out with simple, matching clear glass plugs, shaped like the Cobalt Blue Anal Plug . It's comfy, and very easily tapered to allow adjustment upon first insertion. However because of the hard, unyielding nature of glass, it's definitely not the best choice for everyone. The ultimate hardness of glass, ceramic and hard plastic toys, while lending to good lubrication because of their slick smoothness, make it so any toy you insert will feel about a quarter inch bigger than it really is because it won't give AT ALL, so use caution. If you don't care about material safety there is a huge number of beginner and intermediate plugs and P-spot stimulators you could try. I'm only going to suggest some off the safer end.

If you don't want to start out with glass, I also recommend the Plug Of Lust Small , the Crystal cote Butt Plug , or if you'd like a P-spot stimulator, there is the Rude Boy which vibrates, the Nexus Titus which is ribbed and has a perineum stimulating ball bearing on it, or if you're feeling especially adventurous and think you could stretch enough to accommodate it, there is the Icicles No. 13 , a glass "wand" (in quotations because it's not marked as a prostate stimulator but it acts just like one) that I recently got to try out on my boy and he loved it.

And if you're not sure what to get or feeling overwhelmed, watch as many review videos as you can. Seeing it at several angles in "real time" is more helpful than you'd think! Whatever you decide to pick, please please PLEASE make sure there is enough of a base to keep the toy outside your body without relying on your hands. In the moment, you never know if you'll keep the presence of mind to hold it tight enough. It's recommended there is a base of at least 1/2 inch on at least two sides of the toy, or else that it has an EXTREME angle at the end (like the Rude Boy.) Remember to mind carefully what you put in your bum, and use lots of lube! Your body won't make its own

/endrant. Sorry for the high and mighty wordiness. I give advice because I care
03/25/2011
kfdarling kfdarling
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
I agreeeee. The only problem is that it's even wider than the Feeldoe Violet, which for us wouldn't work well, but I don't know your anus ^^;;

Hmmm, the Slimline Marble G is not a P-spot stimulator, it's a G-spot stimulator. ... More
Wow! I guess I still have a lot of shopping to do. Last thing I want is to go to the ER room with a toy stuck in my butt! I want to get something that my wife will not be intimidated or grossed out by. I am thinking something that does not look too much like a real cock would be best.
03/26/2011
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by kfdarling
Great post! How do you like the feeldoe? It looks like a dream just not sure if I should get that or a harness strap on.
A lot of people who try the Share and the Feeldoe often feel like they like having a harness to stabilize it. Keep that in mind when you're thinking about it. There are some great, inexpensive harness options as well as silicone dildos to try.

This harness has a very large hip max (I don't know what your SO looks like) and can hold a dildo with up to 1-3/4 inch diameter. Granted, the base of the dildo won't hit up to her clit, BUT you could always try a bullet until you realize that you even like it and then move up to a Spare Parts or something else that give you the option to position the dildo or use the Feeldoe.

As for dildos... good pegging dildos would be something like the Compact or the Mistress (which I personally am going to be trying) or the silk large But for the first time doing anal, the compact might be the slimmest/easiest to take. We're about to try pegging, but we're not anal novices.
03/26/2011
MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by kfdarling
Wow! I guess I still have a lot of shopping to do. Last thing I want is to go to the ER room with a toy stuck in my butt! I want to get something that my wife will not be intimidated or grossed out by. I am thinking something that does not look too ... More
Depending on why she is hesitant, you are probably right. Remember, the key to any newness in a relationship-be it your sex life, your home, a pet, ANYthing!-the key is communication. Talk, talk talk. She will appreciate your efforts to understand.
03/26/2011
MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
A lot of people who try the Share and the Feeldoe often feel like they like having a harness to stabilize it. Keep that in mind when you're thinking about it. There are some great, inexpensive harness options as well as silicone dildos to try. ... More
I do agree with you that those are all very good pegging dildos. However, speaking from the experienced giver's point of view, it's much more fun, not to mention reassures us women that our man is interested in making it fun for us) if you use some sort of double. Not only does it feel good, but the giver can feel exactly what the toy is doing, making it just a little easier for beginners.

Most doubles are still compatible with harnesses like the SpareParts Joque or Theo harnesses, both of which come in larger sizes if need be, or the Jaguar or Vegan Jaguar , or any harness that 1) is wide enough for the dildo to fit through and 2) actually has somewhere for it to go through, meaning there is no back. I do definitely recommend you find a harness that has two thigh straps rather than on g-string style strap, because it provides side-to-side stability and keeps the dildo from wobbling. Or as we do, if you're proficient with a rope, you can make one using Shibari (Japanese bondage style).

As for the Inked Restraints Tattoo Harness you suggested, I actually found that even though the hip max was "sufficient," the thigh straps don't hold very tight when things get too hot, and they weren't quite long enough to fit my thighs properly. I'm a larger woman, so it was great to find a harness that fit my hips and stomach, but the thigh straps were a bit of a disappointment.

For the record, I'm not trying to undermine all you're saying, you're throwing out some great advice I'm just making sure our friend has as much information as possible.
03/26/2011
kfdarling kfdarling
Thank you guys for all of the suggestions. I need to save up some points to get something good.
03/29/2011
kfdarling kfdarling
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
A lot of people who try the Share and the Feeldoe often feel like they like having a harness to stabilize it. Keep that in mind when you're thinking about it. There are some great, inexpensive harness options as well as silicone dildos to try. ... More
Is there a difference between strap on sex and pegging?
03/29/2011
Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by kfdarling
Is there a difference between strap on sex and pegging?
Technically, and I could be wrong on this, but I think the only "difference" is that strap-on sex is more female/female where pegging is female to male. Again, I could be wrong, but that's the only difference I can come up with.
03/29/2011
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
Technically, and I could be wrong on this, but I think the only "difference" is that strap-on sex is more female/female where pegging is female to male. Again, I could be wrong, but that's the only difference I can come up with.
I was just going to say this! Yes, I would agree with this. (Not that I've gotten the chance to do either. )
03/29/2011
MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
Technically, and I could be wrong on this, but I think the only "difference" is that strap-on sex is more female/female where pegging is female to male. Again, I could be wrong, but that's the only difference I can come up with.
You are close! Strapon sex is any sex involving a strapon dildo, whether it's a woman to another woman or a man to a woman (in the case of double penetration,) or anything else involving a strapon. Pegging is simply a more specific, woman to man, sort of strapon sex.
03/29/2011
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
You are close! Strapon sex is any sex involving a strapon dildo, whether it's a woman to another woman or a man to a woman (in the case of double penetration,) or anything else involving a strapon. Pegging is simply a more specific, woman to man, ... More
AGREED! Yup!
03/29/2011
Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
You are close! Strapon sex is any sex involving a strapon dildo, whether it's a woman to another woman or a man to a woman (in the case of double penetration,) or anything else involving a strapon. Pegging is simply a more specific, woman to man, ... More
Awesome, thanks for clearing it up
03/29/2011
MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
Awesome, thanks for clearing it up
No problem
03/29/2011
kfdarling kfdarling
Great advice! I need to save up for a nice Feeldoe! They look like fun!
04/24/2011
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