Tenga flip hole - masturbation sleeve by Tenga - review by Mr Guy

Historically speaking, men have had it kind of rough when it comes to masturbation. In fact, it could be argued that in this age of sex-positivity, we men are second-class masturbators. Female masturbation has classically been viewed as beautiful, idyllic, and Totally Hot. Male masturbation on the other hand is just kind of sad and funny. It’s desperate, grimy; and tastes a lot like the hot, stinging tears of isolation.

But really, much of this is our own fault. We’re kind of dorky about it – we spaz it out in the bathroom with all the inherent hotness of a brain surgeon with a nervous tic. And what’s more, we’ve just not been all that choosy about it. Because when men really want something, they build it. And if they can’t build it, they, through the collective Patriarchy, will throw gobs of money in every direction until someone finally does figure out how to build it.

Which is where Japan comes in. Yes; you probably thought that the Japanese had grown somewhat complacent in their exported inventiveness, what with all the manga and the hentai and no new funky whirligigs. Well, you’re in for a bit of a surprise. The Japanese apparently take their masturbating very seriously.

And to that effect, Tenga has graced us with what just might usher in a sparkling new age of wankery. I of course am referring to the marvel of modern science known as the Flip Hole. The Japanese are already intimately familiar with the Flip Hole, as it’s their best-selling male sex toy. And now it’s our turn to experience the power and the glory of its onanistic goodness.

Yeah, the name is pretty cruddy. And we’ll deal with that a little bit later. Besides – and let’s be honest here – if you met a really hot girl, would you turn her down when you found out her name was Sarah Palin?

That’s pretty much what I thought. So let’s set the name thing aside for a moment, and instead focus on the otherwise faultlessness of the Flip Hole.

Perhaps the principal difference between the Flip Hole and other standard male masturbators (I dunno why, but I really like saying ‘male masturbator’ a lot) is that the Flip Hole opens up, both for easy lubrication and easier cleaning. Which can only be a good thing; how many of us have old Fleshlights that, due to shoddy cleaning, smell kind of funny?

The opening-up of the Flip Hole’s ooey-gooey maw is a great deal of fun in and of itself. You see, it looks kind of like a skinny, penis-sized waffle-iron. And yes – I would totally make cock-waffles for breakfast. And admit it – so would you.

The short version? Well, quite honestly, this is the finest vagina-substitute man has created since the advent of anal sex.

If I have to register one complaint, it’s the name. ‘Flip Hole’ doesn’t exactly inspire thoughts of masturbatory goodness. In fact, ‘Flip Hole’ kind of sounds like a hybrid sinkhole-wormhole thing. I’m guessing that in its native Japan, ‘Flip Hole’ probably translates to something more stirring, like ‘Super Happy Slidey Honorable Vagina Penis Love Receptacle’.

And so, in the proud tradition of Americanizing everything we can sink our grubby mitts into, please allow me to offer a few alternate names for the Flip Hole:

1. The Cock-Waffler

2. The Wack-Vac

3. The Slurp (because it makes more mouth-noise than an old man sucking on his gums after a starch-heavy brunch. Think of John McCain issuing a deluge of denunciations and denials after having eaten a stack of overcooked, unbuttered biscuits.)

4. The Juice Ex Machina

The Flip Hole is the gift that keeps on giving. It’s the perfect holiday gift for the man in your life; or, if you’re a shallow prick like me, it’s the perfect gift to yourself. It is also well-suited to layabouts, stodgy recluses, as well as the mechanically inclined or curious. It’s nicer than a gnarled-up fist. It’s got an easy interface, it cleans up nicer than a Fleshlight or a sweatsock, and it looks totally space-age. What’s not to love?