Communication Communication Communication!
If your partner is a bit worried and hesitant, make it very clear and very explicit what you want. Leave nothing to the imagination. And if you are uncomfortable, then ask a lot of questions. When I first started playing with my girlfriend, I made a mistake. I wanted to be submissive. I wanted to have no control, so I told her that and expected it to happen. But she had no idea how to make this happen. She just was not sure what I wanted. I did not want to explain, because that was me taking on extra control. That was me deciding things and being more dominant. But that was a total mistake. If your partner has no idea what to do, they cannot be dominant, they are going to be confused and get frustrated, and be hesitant. So, learn from my mistakes. Communication is always the best starting place. Now, in my relationship, my girlfriend knows how to be aggressive. She initiates BDSM play. She is willing to just pull out toys, but that took her time.
Constantly Reassure and Reassess
If you are the bottom, constantly give your top feedback. At the end of each of our sessions, I make it a point to tell my girlfriend how everything felt. Tell her that she did a great job and that I liked it. I tell her if anything is too intense or needed to be changed (nothing yet). If there was, I would be very careful how I phrased it. Tell her that it was just a little too much. That is was no big deal and that, overall, the experience was positive. I do what is called a compliment sandwich for things like this. I compliment (so the flogging was really well done), but maybe next time we won’t leave the nipple clamps on for so long, but the bondage was really tight and constrictive and totally got me aroused and excited. So a positive, a negative, a positive and that will help with your partner feeling good. The more you tell them what you like, what you do not like, and the more you tell them you were comfortable with what they did, then the more comfortable they are going to get. Constantly letting them know the play was fun is going to build up their confidence and, in my personal experience, each session gets more and more intense, until you reach the point you want. In my own personal experience, when I have not shared this information my girlfriend, she will think it over and worry, or be unsure about all of the decisions she made and that is obviously something I want to prevent.
Go Slow
It takes time for someone’s confidence to build up. It takes time to learn new things and get accustomed to new things. So be understanding of your partner. I wanted to be spanked hard right from the very first session and this simply was not reasonable. It took time for my girlfriend to learn how to use a paddle. It is not a common skill to be able to hit a person’s bum with a paddle exactly as hard as they want and exactly in the spot they want. Most people will feel more comfortable hitting you too lightly and slowly building up to something harder. So, be okay with that. Realize it is a learning process and they are acquiring skills and comfort, and one day that will lead to the type of play you want. In my personal experience, I did things in a step by step manner. So, firstly, I would tell her about an activity (spanking). Then, a couple days later, I would show her a paddle and say look, this is what it is. Feel it, look at it, try a practice swing with it. We would then put away the paddle for that day. A couple days later, I would pull it out in a non-sexual setting (when we were not both horny and wanting to have sex) and say "why don’t we try a couple of practice swings". And in a non-sexual setting, would get her to use the toy. Then, a couple days later, pull it out during a sexual encounter and asked to be spanked, just for a couple minutes. And then, every couple of days, would ask for it to be a bit longer or for her to swing a bit harder. And, eventually, she got comfortable enough to swing it as hard and for as long as we both wanted. I, personally, think that system will work well for most activities.
Consider the Toys
What I never considered, when I first started out, was what the toys looked like. I loved the black, the leather and the intensity of the toys. They had a sexy appeal to me, but they did not to my partner. She found them to be scary and intimidating. When your toys have spikes, rivets, are dark, and look like they hurt, a lot more than they actually do, it can be hard for a partner to pick them up. I found that, for example, the pink fluffy flogger EF sells, really helped us get into flogging. My girlfriend thought it looked cute and that it had a nice color. So, just consider the toys you are wanting your partner to use on you. They might be adding to your partner’s stress and anxiety and changing them might help.
Hopefully you have a bit of a framework for introducing BDSM into your bedroom. As always, if you have any questions feel free to ask them in the comments.
If your partner is a bit worried and hesitant, make it very clear and very explicit what you want. Leave nothing to the imagination. And if you are uncomfortable, then ask a lot of questions. When I first started playing with my girlfriend, I made a mistake. I wanted to be submissive. I wanted to have no control, so I told her that and expected it to happen. But she had no idea how to make this happen. She just was not sure what I wanted. I did not want to explain, because that was me taking on extra control. That was me deciding things and being more dominant. But that was a total mistake. If your partner has no idea what to do, they cannot be dominant, they are going to be confused and get frustrated, and be hesitant. So, learn from my mistakes. Communication is always the best starting place. Now, in my relationship, my girlfriend knows how to be aggressive. She initiates BDSM play. She is willing to just pull out toys, but that took her time.
Constantly Reassure and Reassess
If you are the bottom, constantly give your top feedback. At the end of each of our sessions, I make it a point to tell my girlfriend how everything felt. Tell her that she did a great job and that I liked it. I tell her if anything is too intense or needed to be changed (nothing yet). If there was, I would be very careful how I phrased it. Tell her that it was just a little too much. That is was no big deal and that, overall, the experience was positive. I do what is called a compliment sandwich for things like this. I compliment (so the flogging was really well done), but maybe next time we won’t leave the nipple clamps on for so long, but the bondage was really tight and constrictive and totally got me aroused and excited. So a positive, a negative, a positive and that will help with your partner feeling good. The more you tell them what you like, what you do not like, and the more you tell them you were comfortable with what they did, then the more comfortable they are going to get. Constantly letting them know the play was fun is going to build up their confidence and, in my personal experience, each session gets more and more intense, until you reach the point you want. In my own personal experience, when I have not shared this information my girlfriend, she will think it over and worry, or be unsure about all of the decisions she made and that is obviously something I want to prevent.
Go Slow
It takes time for someone’s confidence to build up. It takes time to learn new things and get accustomed to new things. So be understanding of your partner. I wanted to be spanked hard right from the very first session and this simply was not reasonable. It took time for my girlfriend to learn how to use a paddle. It is not a common skill to be able to hit a person’s bum with a paddle exactly as hard as they want and exactly in the spot they want. Most people will feel more comfortable hitting you too lightly and slowly building up to something harder. So, be okay with that. Realize it is a learning process and they are acquiring skills and comfort, and one day that will lead to the type of play you want. In my personal experience, I did things in a step by step manner. So, firstly, I would tell her about an activity (spanking). Then, a couple days later, I would show her a paddle and say look, this is what it is. Feel it, look at it, try a practice swing with it. We would then put away the paddle for that day. A couple days later, I would pull it out in a non-sexual setting (when we were not both horny and wanting to have sex) and say "why don’t we try a couple of practice swings". And in a non-sexual setting, would get her to use the toy. Then, a couple days later, pull it out during a sexual encounter and asked to be spanked, just for a couple minutes. And then, every couple of days, would ask for it to be a bit longer or for her to swing a bit harder. And, eventually, she got comfortable enough to swing it as hard and for as long as we both wanted. I, personally, think that system will work well for most activities.
Consider the Toys
What I never considered, when I first started out, was what the toys looked like. I loved the black, the leather and the intensity of the toys. They had a sexy appeal to me, but they did not to my partner. She found them to be scary and intimidating. When your toys have spikes, rivets, are dark, and look like they hurt, a lot more than they actually do, it can be hard for a partner to pick them up. I found that, for example, the pink fluffy flogger EF sells, really helped us get into flogging. My girlfriend thought it looked cute and that it had a nice color. So, just consider the toys you are wanting your partner to use on you. They might be adding to your partner’s stress and anxiety and changing them might help.
Hopefully you have a bit of a framework for introducing BDSM into your bedroom. As always, if you have any questions feel free to ask them in the comments.
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