When it's bad...?

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earthmama

If the sex is bad to begin with, is there any point to trying to continue dating/starting a relationship?
I take it he thinks it's great, but from my (female) perspective it's the worst all around... No excited emotional stirrings, at all, he has a really hard time getting hard, the way he touches tends to hurt or bother me, he doesn't seem to know/notice/believe me when I'm not into it, has a tendency not to stop if I tell him to stop.
Every possible problem is present. I'm used to never having an orgasm with a partner but usually it's otherwise very enjoyable. This is just *bad*.
I was giving him another chance after a few years of no contact. I was tempted to try because my friends like him and I'm tired of being always single... But if I keep dating him I'll have to sleep with him again and that sounds awful. He's a decent human, attractive, reasonably intelligent, nice company, etc, but talking about it/communication seems to get us nowhere with this.
If/when I break things off, should I tell him that bad sex is why? I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I would normally think honesty would be the best policy.

12/28/2017

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Gunsmoke

IMO - move on. You can't let your friends choose your lover - best of luck

12/28/2017

earthmama

What do I say though? I've known him for too long to just ghost, and he is really determined that we can make it work. My friends don't really care one way or another, they just think he's nice enough. He won't just go away easy.

12/29/2017

Gunsmoke

I don't have much to offer on how to tell him. I've ended relationships - but not in 30 years, so I'm not adept at it.

My only advice is:

Avoid mentioning sexual incompatibility - IMO there is nothing to be gained by hurting his self-esteem

Be firm - don't agree to remain friends, that will just make it harder for both of you, and he'll hold out hope that he can regain you

Move on positively - date, find new social outlets - don't stay home thinking about what might have been

Best of luck...

12/29/2017

MissKee

Quote:

Originally posted by earthmama

"has a tendency not to stop if I tell him to stop. "

NOPE. That's a big 'ol NOPE.

This relationship has a huge issue with communication, and a dangerous one if he thinks pushing past a no is okay. You clearly do not want to have sex with him, and that's fine - but do not continue the relationship. You both do not communicate in a way thats healthy for either of you. You do not need to go up to him and say "Yo, I'm dumping you because you suck in the sack" - but you can be extremely honest and say that you just can't communicate well, and it's just not working. Which is truly what this all boils down to.

You two aren't incompatible because he's awful in bed, you're incompatible because there's not a real connection of trust and communication, which spills over into sex.

*Disclaimer: I am a random stranger on the internet, take all advice with a hefty amount of salt.

12/30/2017

earthmama

Thanks for responding... MissKee, you got to the core of my issue with this.
I think part of the problem is that I haven't been in a relationship in years, and probably never had a functional relationship with good communication, so I don't have the skills, or really motivation to acquire said skills. The only thing I regularly miss about having a relationship is sex, so I tended to focus on that being bad, rather than the probable cause of poor communication.

He doesn't take no for an answer about anything, far as I can see. Hence breaking up is a challenge and I was tempted to tell him how bad the sex was for me, just to piss him off enough that he'd go and stay away. Complicating matters is that we work in the same area and industry and there's a certain amount of potential for running into each other.

As far as dating other people/going out/whatever, well, that's not happening.

01/06/2018

Gr8pumpkin

Quote:

Originally posted by earthmama

The only thing worse than being in an emotionally dysfunctional relationship, is being in one that is also sexually dysfunctional. You need to value your own needs beyond any other person, be it friends or significant other. When someone just doesn't listen to your needs, and just does whatever they want,that leans toward an abusive relationship. While it is difficult to break it off with someone you are close to, there becomes a time when you have to take care of yourself. I have stayed in two relationships far longer than I should have, and always regretted that decision. Just because he is a nice person, doesn't make him a knight in shining armor. Lots of nice people have terrible social or relationship skills. To tell him he is terrible in bed would be unwise, if not hurtful.
So evaluate what you want for yourself, both physically and emotionally. As far as I know, we only go around this life once. No one else is responsible for making you happy and fulfilled. Seek to surround yourself with friends and partners that meet your needs, reject those who subordinate your needs is deference to others.

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST !

Good luck.

01/12/2018

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