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Defeating Succorbenoth- The Demon Of Jealousy

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We agonize over it, we hide from it, we even build walls and defenses against it, but the only time we ever defeat this bastard emotion is when we turn and face it. You cannot fight what you refuse to see.

  What I Learned

I took my mentor's advice and I went back to re-read the passage and try to learn from it. Obviously I missed something important!

1 Corinthians 13:13
"If I speak in human and angelic tongues, but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails."


Here is what I learned:
Even if I am able to speak to my fellow human beings or even converse with angels, if I do not possess the ability to love then my voice is no more meaningful than a cacophonous noise. If I can predict the future accurately and understand everything but I do not understand love, then I don't really understand anything. If I give away everything and sacrifice my own body but I do not do it from the place of pure love, then I have sacrificed nothing. It's kind of straight forward at this point, right? Well then let's look at what I was doing to the person I was supposed to be loving.

I was impatient, and I was unkind. I was jealous, pompous and full of myself because "I" was faithful! I was rude, sought only my own interests, was quick tempered, and oh my God did I brood over the "injustice" he was doing to me. I rejoiced when he failed, I admit it. I rejoiced because it meant I was better than he was at loving. I refused to see the truth. I gave up, gave in and quit believing in him. I was hopeless and felt as though I couldn't endure anymore. I nearly failed love.

The truth was that sexual fidelity was never very important to me. I was mad, hurt and scared because he had cheated me out of an experience that I thought was so much more exciting than I was. I was jealously obsessing over everything about my lover. I wanted everything he was to be MINE and mine alone. The fact that he sought experiences for himself was a betrayal. I wanted everyone to see me as the best wife and the only woman that could excite this wonderful man. The problem was I didn't really care if HE saw me this way as long as everyone else did. My love was all for show. I had never really opened my heart and allowed myself to be vulnerable and trusting. I didn't truly care who he was with as long as he was honest and allowed me to celebrate the experience with him. Still I punished him for making me scared. We were going no where fast.

  How It All Shakes Out

So there I was a pitiful, vengeful, soul sick woman reveling in her sense of betrayal and screaming how much I loved him to the high heavens. I was faithful after all...I was better, more moral and the wounded party. Forget the fact that he had never done any of this to hurt me and was in a deep dark place of his own! I decreed that he should suffer. I thank my Holy Lord and Lady that They decreed something else. If he was to suffer then I would suffer right along side him!

This was the pitiful state we were in when we met our third. Arch patiently listened to me, he agonized with me, he made soothing noises and then one day when I was particularly vicious he asked me why Sigel stuck around. I don't know why that struck such a cord in me but it resonated through my body, that simple question. Sigel is not a masochist so why DID he stick around. I am a curious woman so I asked him. This time I asked him politely and I was prepared to hear the answer. I braced myself for the worst and he did take some time to think about his answer. The truth was so damn simple. He sighed, looked at the floor and said softly, "I love you. I keep on loving you and I have hope that one day it'll mean more than your fear. I am worried though, because with each passing day I realize that I don't know who I am. I love you, and I am truly sorry I hurt you, but your hatred is killing me." He sighed and then looked up into my face. I have no idea what he saw but it scared him. I felt like someone had ripped out my soul and shredded it. He had lied, cheated, and stole happy couple moments from us both. What I had done in my jealousy and fear was far, far worse. This time the healing could begin and we began the ten year journey that has lead us to where we are right now.

I have learned that there is no room in love for jealousy. Jealousy steals your accomplishments and cripples what could be in a layer of suffocating fear. There is nothing wrong with wanting sexual fidelity but choose it from a position of power, not because jealousy has made the choice for you. This allows you to find a partner that shares your goals and desires. This allows you to find a partner that will choose from a position of power to share your goals. For us, we share the desire to be open sexually, but not so open that someone falls out of the door! A funny thing happened when I opened myself to the possibilities of responsible monogamy: My alley cat became content at home. The possibility was enough, the trust I placed in him was enough. I was enough. Now we play together and we have a third partner who shares our desires and goals. He helped us to find our way back to real love and along the way found his own.

I am profoundly grateful that I turned around and shined a light on my deepest, darkest fears. I urge all of my readers to open themselves to the possibility of real love. No longer allow jealousy to keep you prisoner, make peace with your fears and grow into the person you were meant to be.

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Comments

BRAVO! I learned at a very young age the evil of jealousy through step dads. My hubby has his moments, but nothing close to the macabre example I was partially raised with. Due to this up bringing I don't get jealous...OK, very rarely, and I find open calm discussion of crossed boundaries and respect helps.
Though, after 26 years of marriage I still don't know when I'm being dangerously flirted with by another and what I call friendly banter until Hubby gives me our code word and all association with the other stops. All my affection is amplified and turned to Hubby, though in my head I go through an analysis of events to figure out logically what ques from others I missed or how my actions could be misinterpreted as anything other than casual. I almost always fail. I have even had friends observe and marvel at my ignorance. I try so hard not to repeat the offense and be observant... Hubby is my knight in shining armor and realizes it's a "bug" beyond my capabilities and no longer gets jealous. Our code word is more for my safety from others than my actions causing jealousy. His second wife loved playing jealousy head games. Jealousy is on the absolutely no list for me. I would ~never~ do anything on purpose to make him, or anyone, jealous. I have a zero tolerance for it. I think in this thought process the possibility of it creating a blind spot in myself of how casual banter could be perceived by others as "socially unacceptable flirting". Hubby hasn't given up on trying to teach me peripheral vision in this, and I know I am truly blessed by his patience.

11/17/2012

Jealousy is an evil creature anyone who can conquer this deserves a prize

11/18/2012

i am constantly jealous but i am trying to get better i think it's because it makes me personally feel voulnerable and i have been cheated on many times and i'm trying to heal my scars but you helped me i won't let it keep me down i will get rid of it for good thanks

11/21/2012

Thanks for the kind words! It is difficult to arrive at a place where you feel confident enough to face down jealousy and name it for what it is....fear of loss. It is a burden that feels so damn good to put down.

11/27/2012

thanks

11/30/2012

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