"Being a housewife and a mother is the biggest job in the world, but if it doesn't interest you, don't do it - I would have made a terrible mother."
I love you all. Really, I do. And guess what? I love your kids, too. They're fantastic, all of them. I'm really impressed and amazed at the fabulous job you're doing with them.
Having said that – I know you love your kids more than life itself, and that's just the way it should be. But you know I don't want kids, and no matter how much you love your kids, that doesn't mean that I have to have kids of my own. It really doesn't. We can still be friends if I don't have kids, can't we?
Don't wax eloquent about how having children changes your life and how people don't know what love really is until they have children. I choose to hope that you don't realize how incredibly fucking offensive that is – suggesting that, because I don't have or want children, I'll never know what “true love” is. How dare you suggest that the love I have in my life (and there is a lot of it) is inconsequential because I don't have a child toward whom I can direct it. Who are you to qualify love like that? I accept that the love a parent feels for a child is unlike any other love you can experience, but telling someone who has no children that they will never know what “real love” is? Sorry, but that's not just offensive, it's really fucking shitty of you, and I'm getting pretty sick of it, to be honest.
And when I tell you that I just don't like children enough to deal with them on a full-time basis, don't give me that shit about how “it's different when it's your own.” Just...don't even try it, okay? Because if we lived in a world where parents didn't abuse and even kill their children, I might conceivably buy that, but all things considered – yeah, I don't buy that shit. So don't even go down that road. I'm sure the children of Diane Downs, Andrea Yates, and Darlie Routier would disagree with you – y'know, if they hadn't been killed by their mothers. Besides...do you really think that argument is going to work, anyway? Do you really, honestly think it's a good idea for me to have children that I don't even want in the first place, just on the off-chance that I might – what, change my mind halfway through and suddenly be overjoyed about the idea?
I must have missed something, you know, somewhere along the way. I thought I was living in the 21st century, where women are supposedly free to choose whether or not to be parents. We live in a society in which many women are fighting for the rights to choose abortion when they feel it is appropriate for them – so why can't I decide, of my own free will, to be childless without having to deal with constant barrages of questions about whyyyyyy I don't want kids? And, most importantly, why should I have to deal with it from you, the women who are supposed to be my friends?
Look. I know you think your kids are the most important people in the world. And I applaud that, because that's exactly how things should be. It's what makes you a good parent, after all. But why does that mean you have to try to convince me that I should have them? Why do you take it upon yourselves to try to convince me of what a good parent I would be? Because the thing is: you're wrong.
Here are the facts as they stand (things I would probably never tell you, because you would only try to convince me, once again, that all of these things would magically change once I had a kid of my own):
I am much too selfish to be a parent. I like to sleep late on weekends; curl up with a good book; spend the occasional entire weekend watching trashy TV while wearing my pajamas. I like loud music. My house is most definitely not child-proof, and I have no intention of making it so (I don't even like doing it when you bring your kids over, if I'm to be perfectly honest.) I like spending my money on things for me. I have no desire to spend the bulk of my money on diapers, formula, changing tables, diaper bags, bottle sterilizers, and other assorted baby-related accoutrements.
I have way too many genetic disadvantages. Why the hell would I risk passing them on to another generation? Depression, crippling early-onset arthritis, neurological disorders, and the cancer gene? Yeah...no. It's bad enough that I have to deal with this shit in my own life, why the hell would I be foolish and purposely cruel enough to pass them on to an innocent kid – especially when I'm not jazzed about the idea of having a kid, period? I mean, even if I did want one, I'd seriously think twice (and probably three, four, and five times) before going through with it, with the genetic crap shoot the poor kid would have to face.
And lastly, and perhaps most importantly: I DON'T WANT KIDS. That, in and of itself, should be a good enough reason not to have them. And I shouldn't have to justify myself to you or anyone else.
Look. Like I said in the beginning, I really do love you. I just don't like the way you think it's your mission in life to convince me to have kids of my own. I'm perfectly fine with being the kooky aunt who spoils your kids rotten (and then gets to send them home to you – HA!) I love you, and I love your kids, and I wouldn't change one thing about you.
So why can't you say the same for me?
Having said that – I know you love your kids more than life itself, and that's just the way it should be. But you know I don't want kids, and no matter how much you love your kids, that doesn't mean that I have to have kids of my own. It really doesn't. We can still be friends if I don't have kids, can't we?
Don't wax eloquent about how having children changes your life and how people don't know what love really is until they have children. I choose to hope that you don't realize how incredibly fucking offensive that is – suggesting that, because I don't have or want children, I'll never know what “true love” is. How dare you suggest that the love I have in my life (and there is a lot of it) is inconsequential because I don't have a child toward whom I can direct it. Who are you to qualify love like that? I accept that the love a parent feels for a child is unlike any other love you can experience, but telling someone who has no children that they will never know what “real love” is? Sorry, but that's not just offensive, it's really fucking shitty of you, and I'm getting pretty sick of it, to be honest.
And when I tell you that I just don't like children enough to deal with them on a full-time basis, don't give me that shit about how “it's different when it's your own.” Just...don't even try it, okay? Because if we lived in a world where parents didn't abuse and even kill their children, I might conceivably buy that, but all things considered – yeah, I don't buy that shit. So don't even go down that road. I'm sure the children of Diane Downs, Andrea Yates, and Darlie Routier would disagree with you – y'know, if they hadn't been killed by their mothers. Besides...do you really think that argument is going to work, anyway? Do you really, honestly think it's a good idea for me to have children that I don't even want in the first place, just on the off-chance that I might – what, change my mind halfway through and suddenly be overjoyed about the idea?
I must have missed something, you know, somewhere along the way. I thought I was living in the 21st century, where women are supposedly free to choose whether or not to be parents. We live in a society in which many women are fighting for the rights to choose abortion when they feel it is appropriate for them – so why can't I decide, of my own free will, to be childless without having to deal with constant barrages of questions about whyyyyyy I don't want kids? And, most importantly, why should I have to deal with it from you, the women who are supposed to be my friends?
Look. I know you think your kids are the most important people in the world. And I applaud that, because that's exactly how things should be. It's what makes you a good parent, after all. But why does that mean you have to try to convince me that I should have them? Why do you take it upon yourselves to try to convince me of what a good parent I would be? Because the thing is: you're wrong.
Here are the facts as they stand (things I would probably never tell you, because you would only try to convince me, once again, that all of these things would magically change once I had a kid of my own):
I am much too selfish to be a parent. I like to sleep late on weekends; curl up with a good book; spend the occasional entire weekend watching trashy TV while wearing my pajamas. I like loud music. My house is most definitely not child-proof, and I have no intention of making it so (I don't even like doing it when you bring your kids over, if I'm to be perfectly honest.) I like spending my money on things for me. I have no desire to spend the bulk of my money on diapers, formula, changing tables, diaper bags, bottle sterilizers, and other assorted baby-related accoutrements.
I have way too many genetic disadvantages. Why the hell would I risk passing them on to another generation? Depression, crippling early-onset arthritis, neurological disorders, and the cancer gene? Yeah...no. It's bad enough that I have to deal with this shit in my own life, why the hell would I be foolish and purposely cruel enough to pass them on to an innocent kid – especially when I'm not jazzed about the idea of having a kid, period? I mean, even if I did want one, I'd seriously think twice (and probably three, four, and five times) before going through with it, with the genetic crap shoot the poor kid would have to face.
And lastly, and perhaps most importantly: I DON'T WANT KIDS. That, in and of itself, should be a good enough reason not to have them. And I shouldn't have to justify myself to you or anyone else.
Look. Like I said in the beginning, I really do love you. I just don't like the way you think it's your mission in life to convince me to have kids of my own. I'm perfectly fine with being the kooky aunt who spoils your kids rotten (and then gets to send them home to you – HA!) I love you, and I love your kids, and I wouldn't change one thing about you.
So why can't you say the same for me?
im so with you on this. ever noticed how its alwasy ppl with kids that try to convince you to have them. really seems like they just want to to be a (un)"happy" as they are. weve been married 5 yrs and ppl really do ask this way tooo mcuh. drives me nuts. we like not having kids. were trying to hold off the most we can. we realize that as soon as we have them ( if we decide to do so) that everything is ganna change. i love sleeping in, i love the sound of quiet ( cant stand a crying kid).
great article!