"“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”"
I Am What I Am
In my day-to-day, I’m a mom. I’m a mom of teenagers. I know, most would never believe that statement when they’ve seen my photos, but if you happen to see me running around sans-makeup, wrapped in an oversized tee and a sweater, wearing yoga pants and an ugly pair of grey and neon pink running shoes, you’d maybe catch a glimpse of that side of me, but you may never see the other half. In that life, I’m a BBW Porn Star.
Glamorous, naughty, and clad in the highest of heels and skimpiest of lingerie, I’m a living breathing Goddess to some. Granted, I’ve only starred in a handful of videos, I simply turned down many offers because they were out of my scope and things I wouldn’t agree to. If I had zero self-esteem, if I’d had no value in myself, I’d probably have gone against my best interest and done the films simply based on the monetary aspect, but on a personal level, I chose not to – most often due to a situational aspect in which the scene involved things that were on my “no-no list,” because the scene involved name-calling, degradation, or abuse towards people of my size.
I personally do not stand for this. Especially on-camera, being called things like “pig,” “cow,” and “whale,” amongst other degrading names just puts that much more emphasis on the fact that the media tells people what they should and shouldn’t like. Name-calling just makes it that much more acceptable in the viewer’s eyes to chastise someone simply based on size. It gives them the opportunity to feel better about choosing smaller girls in their personal lives, and makes them feel that much worse about loving every curve on a larger woman’s body. More than once in my personal life, I’ve been someone’s “moped.” You know, that thing you secretly love to get away with and have fun, but that you’d never want your friends to find out about. There’s no reason that anyone of any size should feel like they’re someone’s dirty little secret. People of every size are amazing!
I was a size 14 by the time I reached the 8th grade, but while I was large for the girls in my class, I was also nearly 5’8” at the time. My 8th grade graduation photo shows me in the back row, far from the other students by several feet. I towered over even the tallest boy in the class at the time. They even made me take my heels off for the photo, but I was still several inches taller than everyone else. But I was beautiful! I was nearly perfect in every way! But that’s not how my classmates saw it. Nor was it how my own mother treated me. I was the “fat girl.”
Even on that day, where I was absolutely stunning, my mother had made me pull all of my hair into a high, and very tight, painful ponytail – because she said it made my face look slimmer. All it did was set me aside, yet again, while every other girl in the class had her hair down for the photos. We won’t even mention the tan she made me get because I was lighter than all the girls in my class. She single-handedly made me feel ugly and ostracized, even though all I received that day were compliments from both classmates and teachers.
It’s truly sad that we’re thought of in a terrible light if we’re overweight – be it 20 pounds or 200! In the Bronze Age being my size (a robust 18-20 on a good day, a fuller, rounder 20-22 on the bloaty ones) was considered to be preferable to smaller-statured women. In the Baroque Era, being Rubenesque was considered to be a stunning and healthy-looking feature! Women were curvy and plump, with rounded proportions, large breasts and thighs, and soft, fleshy rolls. This was beauty. But not for long. At the end of the Baroque Era, the Classical Era ushered in many changes in the fashion of the period. The “Age of Undress,” as it was coined, pushed aside flowing gown styles and brought in classic silhouettes, boned torsos, and full, wide skirts – all giving more emphasis to small waists, although large hips were still all the rage. As European dress continued to progress, waists became whittled to the smallest of proportions, causing many women to literally go hungry to keep up with fashion. By the Victorian Era, it was nearly unheard of for a man to take interest in a woman of size.
Fueled at the time only by word of mouth and those that could afford newspapers, media already had its hold on the public at large, and the draw of a larger-bodied lady had fallen by the wayside.
In recent years, I’ve also found myself once-again single, and this is something very new and somewhat frightening, seeing as I’m still a large lady – and larger than I was by a couple of sizes from when I met my now-former husband. Yes, I was big then, but he loved me for me – what I had figured all along, from my mother’s way of thinking – was on the inside. But he loved me for my looks, as well. I was stunned to hear that revelation! I was even more stunned when trying to get back into the dating pool at a larger size than many my age. What I found was a slew of men pining for women of size, and that alone was a ridiculous boost in confidence! In joining several online dating websites, I was sincerely getting more responses than I could handle and wound up putting numerous disclaimers and becoming very specific with my wants and desires to help to weed out the selection.
With my own sensibilities intact and not putting up with anyone’s name-calling and degrading actions all along, coupled with this new realization, there’s not a single reason that I can think of why women (or men) of any size can’t feel beautiful and confident and sexy in their bodies, no matter what size they may be! Not only this, but I’ve finally come to love my body, no matter the size, as I’ve learned that for once in my life, I can wear what I feel sexy in, and not just what other people want me to wear. For some, this may be stepping over their own conventional lines, but if they can feel good in their bodies, then why shouldn’t I be able to, as well? The world may be judgmental, but as an individual, maybe I’m better than that, simply because I’ve lived the flip-side of it. No matter your physical appearance, you have every right to feel good about yourself, no matter what you’re wearing, be it an oversized sweater and yoga pants or the skimpiest bikini.
I’m sexy as hell and that’s all there is to it. If you don’t like it, then you can move on to the next girl, but keep your comments to yourself. If it makes me happy, that’s the only thing that’s important!