You know what people love to do? They like to be part of everything. We are raised from kindergarten to share our space. "Let him play, invite her to your party, bring your sibling." It doesn't matter if you don't want that someone there, chances are, they'll tag along anyway. Which is great if you're the nerdy kid with glasses who reads at college level, wears her mom's clothes and maybe is a little too enthusiastic about horses. Yeah, I was that kid. But as we get older, the “sharing is caring” rule gets old. If you're lucky it gets forgotten and we all hang out with only the people we want to. If you're gay, it usually means there wasn't space to begin with and that what little space you make yourself always has someone in it. That someone is usually not someone you want to hang out with. I had a man at a bar literally elbow his way between myself and the woman I was talking to, to hit on her. That's an extreme example, but it illustrates the point. Other examples include the straight women who are hell-bent on taking over the gay/drag clubs, the coworker who asks you well-meaning but invasive questions, and alllll the people out there who insist that since they are allies they should have a voice in the gay community.
The short answer to that last one is no. No apology here, you are not gay, you do not have a voice in our space. But not everyone is like that. I realize that, and I appreciate it. The thing is, gay space, lesbian space, bi/pan space, queer space, trans* space…they're all necessary things. What is difficult for most straight people to understand is that we're in your space all the time. Insert metaphor about drowning in a sea of heteronormativity. We need people who we can relax around, because I don't know about the rest of you homos, but this homo is constantly a little on edge, even around the friends I trust. I need other dykes who I can compare notes with on the text that super cute femme just sent me. I need women who know exactly what I'm talking about when I say that someone shouted slurs at us from a passing car last night. And it goes without saying, but I need gay girls like I need air. I need to flirt without looking over my shoulder to make sure my friends don't think I'm ditching them. This goes for the rest of the rainbow too. We all need a safe space.
"But wait," I hear, "what if I just want to hang out with my friend? Can't I be a part of Super Happy Gay Time too?" Absolutely. If you are invited. And note that I did not say, if you ask nicely. A lot of us have trouble saying no to people we like. You could be our best friend and yet, we still need time away. It's a healthy part of any relationship, platonic or not, to have interests and space outside of said bond. This is a politely worded plea to allies- let us have our space. You don't have to be a part of this. Most of the time we share more with you than you realize. We like you. We want you around. Just not in our space.
Several times I’ve heard the words, “Well I think…” come out of a casual friend’s mouth, usually regarding LGBTQIA+ matters. Usually in the middle of a discussion. Myself being one of two gay people in that particular group, I generally correct her gently. It is okay to have an opinion. It is not okay to insert yourself as a voice in the gay community. What just kills me is that she never seems to understand why she is being corrected. “But I love you guys! I’m on your side! The A stands for Ally!” Okay so that last one hasn’t come out of her mouth yet, but I’m waiting. Want to avoid being that friend? Need tips for being a good friend/ally? Well it’s your lucky day, your Lezzy Godmother is here to bestow wisdom upon you!
Step 1: Stay in your lane, as the kids these days say. As I said before, have an opinion. We welcome anyone who is on our side, but not if it comes with “I'm straight, but I think…”
Step 2: Please, please, please think before you open your mouth. Be educated or seeking education on the topic at hand.
Step 3: If you have to think about whether this is an acceptable question to ask, don't ask it.
Step 4: Slurs are not yours to reclaim. I can use the word dyke, you cannot. There is a reason. Respect it. Would you say the N-word to your black friend?
Step 5: Please enjoy your gay friend responsibly. You are not “gay by association” or “one of the queers", amirite?
Follow these steps, and you too can be a decent human being. I love being around my straight friends, and the rest of the world tends to be viewed as a necessary interaction. Respect my space, I'll respect yours, and we all go home happy.
The short answer to that last one is no. No apology here, you are not gay, you do not have a voice in our space. But not everyone is like that. I realize that, and I appreciate it. The thing is, gay space, lesbian space, bi/pan space, queer space, trans* space…they're all necessary things. What is difficult for most straight people to understand is that we're in your space all the time. Insert metaphor about drowning in a sea of heteronormativity. We need people who we can relax around, because I don't know about the rest of you homos, but this homo is constantly a little on edge, even around the friends I trust. I need other dykes who I can compare notes with on the text that super cute femme just sent me. I need women who know exactly what I'm talking about when I say that someone shouted slurs at us from a passing car last night. And it goes without saying, but I need gay girls like I need air. I need to flirt without looking over my shoulder to make sure my friends don't think I'm ditching them. This goes for the rest of the rainbow too. We all need a safe space.
"But wait," I hear, "what if I just want to hang out with my friend? Can't I be a part of Super Happy Gay Time too?" Absolutely. If you are invited. And note that I did not say, if you ask nicely. A lot of us have trouble saying no to people we like. You could be our best friend and yet, we still need time away. It's a healthy part of any relationship, platonic or not, to have interests and space outside of said bond. This is a politely worded plea to allies- let us have our space. You don't have to be a part of this. Most of the time we share more with you than you realize. We like you. We want you around. Just not in our space.
Several times I’ve heard the words, “Well I think…” come out of a casual friend’s mouth, usually regarding LGBTQIA+ matters. Usually in the middle of a discussion. Myself being one of two gay people in that particular group, I generally correct her gently. It is okay to have an opinion. It is not okay to insert yourself as a voice in the gay community. What just kills me is that she never seems to understand why she is being corrected. “But I love you guys! I’m on your side! The A stands for Ally!” Okay so that last one hasn’t come out of her mouth yet, but I’m waiting. Want to avoid being that friend? Need tips for being a good friend/ally? Well it’s your lucky day, your Lezzy Godmother is here to bestow wisdom upon you!
Step 1: Stay in your lane, as the kids these days say. As I said before, have an opinion. We welcome anyone who is on our side, but not if it comes with “I'm straight, but I think…”
Step 2: Please, please, please think before you open your mouth. Be educated or seeking education on the topic at hand.
Step 3: If you have to think about whether this is an acceptable question to ask, don't ask it.
Step 4: Slurs are not yours to reclaim. I can use the word dyke, you cannot. There is a reason. Respect it. Would you say the N-word to your black friend?
Step 5: Please enjoy your gay friend responsibly. You are not “gay by association” or “one of the queers", amirite?
Follow these steps, and you too can be a decent human being. I love being around my straight friends, and the rest of the world tends to be viewed as a necessary interaction. Respect my space, I'll respect yours, and we all go home happy.
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