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Sex v. FCC: Act II

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What is sex itself were hauled before the FCC and forced to defend itself? G.L. Morrison considers the twists, turns, and inherent satire of such an eventuality, in Act II of this three-part satirical (we hope!) look at freedom of speech.

  Sex on Trial, Act II ½: F See ... F

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Befuddled Actor: (In bed) There’s one of these for me and one for her. And when we... well, you know... then they like you know, then POW-SNAP-CRACKLE-POP. She says it makes her you know SHAZAM. You know what I mean, Honey?

Befuddled Actress Snores. Fade out.

SFX: Bah dum (Fade in.)

Bailiff: Will the F-word please rise.

A dozen confused people in the courtroom stand up, including the stenographer.

Fuck: (still seated) That’s not my name.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: In my courtroom it is, Mr. Potty Mouth.

Shit: (snickering) She said potty mouth.

Tits: Again.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (to Fuck) I’m warning you before we begin, if you pull any of the shenanigans you did last week...

Fuck: (trying to look innocent and failing) Who, me?

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Yes, you. I will have you gagged and tied to that chair if I have to.

Fuck: If that’s the way you like it, Sweetie. My safeword is Cummerbund.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Counselors, advise your clients the appropriate way to address the Judge is “Your Honor” not “Sweetie.”

Perry Mason: Yes, Your Honor.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: The Defense may call its next witness.

Perry Mason: The Defense would like to call the letter F to the stand.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, as edited for television?

The Letter F: (in a Muppety voice) I do.

Perry Mason: State your name for the record.

The Letter F: (shakes its googly eyes) This testimony is brought to you today by The Letter F.

Perry Mason: Do you know the defendants?

The Letter F: Only by reputation. They don’t come to Sesame Street. We’re a gated community.

Perry Mason: What testimony do you have to offer that is relevant in the case against the Seven So-called Dirty Words on trial?

The Letter F: Just that it’s not fair.

Perry Mason: What’s not fair?

The Letter F: Fuck!

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Watch it!

Extra #29: I watch Fuck every chance I get.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (glares at the courtroom) You’re in contempt! Everyone in the room is fined one hundred dollars. (Looking back at The Letter F) You, too.

Bailiff puts money from his own wallet in a glass jar then carries the "Cuss Jar" around the court, collecting fines.

The Letter F: That’s what I mean. Because people are afraid to say FUCK…

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: One thousand dollars!

The Letter F: So they say “F” this and “F” that. How does that make me feel? I work with children, goddamnit. How do you think it affects my job if the F word is Fuck?

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Ten thousand dollars!

The Letter F: I’m the laughingstock of the alphabet. It’s slander. It’s identity theft. (Pointing at the defendant) Fuck Fuck!

Fuck: No, Fuck you!

The Letter F: Fuck off!

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: One hundred thousand dollars!

Fuck: You don’t want to fuck with me, motherfucker.

Motherfucker: Hey!

Fuck: Sorry.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Two hundred thousand dollars! Do I hear three hundred thousand?

The Letter F and the Judges are foaming at all their many mouths. The Letter F is carried from the courtroom in a straightjacket, muttering obscenities to itself.

SFX: Bah dum

Cue Credits: To be continued...


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