Sex on Trial, ACT III: Morality is Big Business for Big Brother
Editor's note: Act I can be read here. Act II can be read here.
Cue Opening Title: Law & Odor: FCC
Montage from previous episode: Slut! Janet Jackson’s nipple. Pat Boone isn’t dead. (Hoover’s non-Freudian slip showing. Comedians from Hell.) The First Amendment isn’t on trial. (McCarthy shouting) She should be!
Announcer: We will return to the special three-part episode of Law and Odor: FCC after this message from our sponsors.
Commercial
Leering Actor: Enhance your, um, maleness. The bulge in your confidence will improve your golf game, get you a promotion, impress your friends and intimidate your enemies. No longer be afraid to wear tight pants and leave your zipper down.
Voice Over: Side effects include baldness, halitosis, impotence and death. (Fade out.)
SFX: Bah dum
Fade in.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Order!
F. Lee Bailey stands and points his ass at the bench.
A voice from F. Lee Bailey’s back pocket: I object.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Counselor, is there a litigator in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
F. Lee Bailey: Like I always said, Your Honors, the Law is an ass.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Scalia head) I think it was Shakespeare that said that.
F. Lee Bailey: (Modestly) He was quoting me.
Fuck: (Aside, to Shit) It was Dickens…
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Do you or your ass have a point or are you objecting to stay in practice?
F. Lee Bailey: The point is if you mean what you say but don’t say what you mean, then soon we’re all living in looking-glass land.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Words mean exactly what I tell them to. No more or less. You’re clearly undisciplined.
Fuck: (Blowing a kiss) Cummerbund.
F. Lee Bailey: Yes but…
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Vader head roars) No butts!
F. Lee Bailey sits on his ass to muffle any more of its objections.
Atticus Finch: (Rising Peckishly) What is objectionable about a cuss word, exactly? Is it the word or what the word is meant to describe that is obscene? Can an arbitrary collection of syllables be obscene? May I respectfully remind the court that Judge Judy herself has written a book entitled Don’t Pee on my Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining, and yet Piss is on trial today.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Don’t get smart, Counselor.
Atticus Finch: Impossible. The cock may crow on daytime television and on the same channel a pedophile may lure children with all day suckers. But C*cksucker is obscene. Cunnilingus however is not a fine-able offense.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Judy head) That depends on how it’s done.
Vader, who never takes his helmet off in bed, has the concept of cunnilingus explained to him by heads Judy and Scalia.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Scalia head laughs) For many years I protected individual states’ right to outlaw the obscene acts of sodomy.
Atticus Finch: We’re talking about the words now, Sir. If the act is too obscene to speak of, then why can you say sodomy but not assf*ck?
Johnny Cochrane: (Jumps up) Profiling! That’s why!
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: What?!
Johnny Cochrane: Look at the words on trial here today. Five of the seven words are four-letter words. You can say Vagina all day long but not one C-U-N-T. That’s profiling, plain and simple. Four-letter words—you’ve condemned them before you even heard them.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Vader head) The fours is strong with them.
Johnny Cochrane: Except for Shit, you must acquit.
Shit: Hey!
Tits: Sorry, Shit. He’s right. You are disgusting, man.
Shit: Damn.
Beaver: (In the gallery) Where?
Fuck: (Looking around) Is Damn here?
Shit: No, you asshole. (Giggles) I said asshole.
Tits: You realize that all toilet humor is basically the same joke over and over.
Shit: Yup, same shit. Still funny.
Piss shares a conspiratorial wink.
Tits: Not funny.
Shit: I’m big in Germany.
Tits: Jerry Lewis is big in France. Still not funny.
Bailiff: All rise. Their Honors will take a short break for station identification and to watch the outtakes from last week’s episode.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader leaves the room.
Cocksucker: (Whining) I don’t understand why I am here with these motherfuckers. I’m not four-letter freak. I’m as white, Protestant and American as the apple pie that teenagers shove their dicks in. I’m not a bad word. I’m a good word. A really good word. Without cocksuckers, there would be a lot of unhappy dicks in the world. I should get a medal for bleeping community service. I’m a freaking ambassador for world peace.
Motherfucker: You say motherfuckers like it’s a bad thing. You and Freud with your cigar-nibbling Oedipus complexes. (Adjusts her wimple.) It’s Holy Motherfucker to you. Or you can call me Motherfucker Superior.
Cocksucker: (Snaps) I’m not calling you at all, girlfriend. Give your digits to someone who gives a fuck.
Cunt: Me. Give your digits to me. Mmm, Mama, you know how I like it.
Cue Opening Title: Law & Odor: FCC
Montage from previous episode: Slut! Janet Jackson’s nipple. Pat Boone isn’t dead. (Hoover’s non-Freudian slip showing. Comedians from Hell.) The First Amendment isn’t on trial. (McCarthy shouting) She should be!
Announcer: We will return to the special three-part episode of Law and Odor: FCC after this message from our sponsors.
Commercial
Leering Actor: Enhance your, um, maleness. The bulge in your confidence will improve your golf game, get you a promotion, impress your friends and intimidate your enemies. No longer be afraid to wear tight pants and leave your zipper down.
Voice Over: Side effects include baldness, halitosis, impotence and death. (Fade out.)
SFX: Bah dum
Fade in.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Order!
F. Lee Bailey stands and points his ass at the bench.
A voice from F. Lee Bailey’s back pocket: I object.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Counselor, is there a litigator in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
F. Lee Bailey: Like I always said, Your Honors, the Law is an ass.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Scalia head) I think it was Shakespeare that said that.
F. Lee Bailey: (Modestly) He was quoting me.
Fuck: (Aside, to Shit) It was Dickens…
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Do you or your ass have a point or are you objecting to stay in practice?
F. Lee Bailey: The point is if you mean what you say but don’t say what you mean, then soon we’re all living in looking-glass land.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Words mean exactly what I tell them to. No more or less. You’re clearly undisciplined.
Fuck: (Blowing a kiss) Cummerbund.
F. Lee Bailey: Yes but…
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Vader head roars) No butts!
F. Lee Bailey sits on his ass to muffle any more of its objections.
Atticus Finch: (Rising Peckishly) What is objectionable about a cuss word, exactly? Is it the word or what the word is meant to describe that is obscene? Can an arbitrary collection of syllables be obscene? May I respectfully remind the court that Judge Judy herself has written a book entitled Don’t Pee on my Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining, and yet Piss is on trial today.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Don’t get smart, Counselor.
Atticus Finch: Impossible. The cock may crow on daytime television and on the same channel a pedophile may lure children with all day suckers. But C*cksucker is obscene. Cunnilingus however is not a fine-able offense.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Judy head) That depends on how it’s done.
Vader, who never takes his helmet off in bed, has the concept of cunnilingus explained to him by heads Judy and Scalia.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Scalia head laughs) For many years I protected individual states’ right to outlaw the obscene acts of sodomy.
Atticus Finch: We’re talking about the words now, Sir. If the act is too obscene to speak of, then why can you say sodomy but not assf*ck?
Johnny Cochrane: (Jumps up) Profiling! That’s why!
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: What?!
Johnny Cochrane: Look at the words on trial here today. Five of the seven words are four-letter words. You can say Vagina all day long but not one C-U-N-T. That’s profiling, plain and simple. Four-letter words—you’ve condemned them before you even heard them.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Vader head) The fours is strong with them.
Johnny Cochrane: Except for Shit, you must acquit.
Shit: Hey!
Tits: Sorry, Shit. He’s right. You are disgusting, man.
Shit: Damn.
Beaver: (In the gallery) Where?
Fuck: (Looking around) Is Damn here?
Shit: No, you asshole. (Giggles) I said asshole.
Tits: You realize that all toilet humor is basically the same joke over and over.
Shit: Yup, same shit. Still funny.
Piss shares a conspiratorial wink.
Tits: Not funny.
Shit: I’m big in Germany.
Tits: Jerry Lewis is big in France. Still not funny.
Bailiff: All rise. Their Honors will take a short break for station identification and to watch the outtakes from last week’s episode.
Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader leaves the room.
Cocksucker: (Whining) I don’t understand why I am here with these motherfuckers. I’m not four-letter freak. I’m as white, Protestant and American as the apple pie that teenagers shove their dicks in. I’m not a bad word. I’m a good word. A really good word. Without cocksuckers, there would be a lot of unhappy dicks in the world. I should get a medal for bleeping community service. I’m a freaking ambassador for world peace.
Motherfucker: You say motherfuckers like it’s a bad thing. You and Freud with your cigar-nibbling Oedipus complexes. (Adjusts her wimple.) It’s Holy Motherfucker to you. Or you can call me Motherfucker Superior.
Cocksucker: (Snaps) I’m not calling you at all, girlfriend. Give your digits to someone who gives a fuck.
Cunt: Me. Give your digits to me. Mmm, Mama, you know how I like it.
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