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Sex v. FCC: Act III

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What is sex itself were hauled before the FCC and forced to defend itself? G.L. Morrison considers the twists, turns, and inherent satire of such an eventuality, in Act III of this three-part satirical (we hope!) look at freedom of speech.

  Sex on Trial, Act III 1/3

Bailiff: All rise.

Holy Motherfucker: I feel like I’m in church.

Bailiff: Court is once again in session. The honorable Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader presiding.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Prosecution, call your next witness.

Senator McCarthy: I’d like to recall The First Amendment.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (To The First) You are still under oath.

The First nods, and re-takes the stand.

Senator McCarthy: Do you recognize this? (He flourishes a gun dramatically.)

The First: No. You want my brother, the Second Amendment. I don’t know a derringer from a double entendre. I’ve never seen that before. And no it’s not my gun.

Senator McCarthy: Actually, it’s my gun. (McCarthy shoots her.)

Clarence Darrow: (Swooning) He killed her! He killed the First Amendment. Your honor, I object!

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: I thought you might. Can the Prosecution explain their actions?

Senator McCarthy: It was self-defense.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: How so?

Senator McCarthy: She was poisoning the minds of the jury and the nation with her honeypot.

Fuck: (To Cunt) He means you.

Senator McCarthy: And her rabble-arousing ideas.

Fuck: I think he means me.

Shit: (Scared shitless) Shhh. He’s still got a gun.

Senator McCarthy: It was inevitable.

Clarence Darrow: Your Honor, this is outrageous.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Senator McCarthy does have a point. She irritated a lot of people. One of them was bound to put a bullet in her.

Clarence Darrow: What are you saying?

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Judy head) The tramp was asking for it.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Scalia head) She was boring. Blah-blah-free speech-blah.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Vader head looks around the courtroom meaningfully) One down.

Senator McCarthy: (Waving the smoking gun) It’s not relevant to the case at hand.

Clarence Darrow: Killing our star witness isn’t relevant?

Senator McCarthy: As the defense pointed out earlier, The First Amendment wasn’t on trial here.

Clarence Darrow: You executed her anyway!

Senator McCarthy: Saves paperwork.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: What’s done is done. Let’s move the show along, Gentlemen. Since no one has any more questions for this witness. (Bailiff removes riddled corpse of the First Amendment.) Prosecution, you may call your next witness.

Senator McCarthy: The Prosecution rests.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Defense is up to bat.

Clarence Darrow: Recent developments put a major hole in not only our primary witness, but our case. The Defense requests a continuance.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Denied. This is a one-hour show.

Defense team mutters amongst itself. Defendants are surprisingly subdued, watching McCarthy playing with his pistol.

Clarence Darrow: We need a strategy.

Perry Mason: I need a cigarette.

Ben Matlock: We can have a strategy meeting at my club. Put on our thinking caps and golfing shoes.

F. Lee Bailey: A four-martini lunch…er meeting!

Johnny Cochrane: What club?

Ben Matlock: Oh, you wouldn’t like it.

Johnny Cochrane: You mean THEY wouldn’t like me. You racist son-of-a…

Perry Mason: Anyway, someone has to stay here.

Johnny Cochrane: And that someone is me because?

Atticus Finch: You’re the best man for the job. Give ’em shit ’til they acquit.

Johnny Cochrane: Don’t bullshit a bullshitter. (To Shit) You stay out of this.

Shit: How can I when you keep dragging me in?

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Gentlemen, do you have a witness, or are you ready for my verdict?

Voltaire, Finch, Mason, Matlock, Darrow and Lee slink out.

Johnny Cochrane: We…by which I mean “I”…call the High Commissioner of the FCC to the witness stand.

The High Commissioner is seated without swearing. No one would dare suggest it. Or could afford it.

Johnny Cochrane: Your High-ness, how do you know something is obscene?

High Commissioner: You just know an obscenity when you see it. It’s like a second sense.

Johnny Cochrane: Would you take a look at this document, Sir? (Hands him paper) Do you know what this is?

High Commissioner: It’s our statement of revenues collected from fining TV stations, radio stations, musicians and entertainers who aren’t fast enough with their bleep buttons. We call it The Naughty List. They’ll be getting coal in their stockings.

Johnny Cochrane: Coal that you turn into diamonds. This figure is in the millions, isn’t it?

High Commissioner: Yes.

Johnny Cochrane: Morality is big business. And this is just one annual report?

High Commissioner: Actually it’s a quarterly statement. What’s your point?

Johnny Cochrane: Doesn’t this amount of money strike you as…hmmm…OBSCENE?

High Commissioner: (Takes out his checkbook) How does this amount strike you?

Johnny Cochrane: Like Sugar Ray Leonard. Is that a decimal?

High Commissioner: (Scribbling on the check) Not any more. Now, it’s a comma.

Johnny Cochrane: (Takes the check) You fucking with me?

High Commissioner: This shit’s for real.

Shit’s not laughing.

Johnny Cochrane: Your Honor, the Defendants would like to change their plea to Guilty.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: So noted. Then the Defense rests?

Johnny Cochrane: (Fanning himself with the check) Rests? Sweetie, with this, the Defense retires!

Fade out. Cue Closing Credits.



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