A New Awakening: The introduction & acceptance of porn in my relationship.

I was having a very bad week. I would grow dizzy and pass out every time I stood up, was so very weak and shaky and was either sleeping most of the time or so fatigued I could not do much. When I did not get over these feelings after a week, it was time to go to the doctor. My husband drove me to my appointment, since even driving was too much physically, and we found out my blood pressure was dangerously low. I could have died at any point and there was no physical reason. I have always had low blood pressure but never had it drop into the 50's as the high number before.

My doctor set me up with a couple shots and had me get a prescription filled to help out over the next few days. Talk about wired!! I had never had so much energy and sleep, who needed it? What better activity to do when you can't sleep but have sex? Sounded good to me! (The sounding good was starting to feel good, too!)

Many new adventures were discovered, performed and really enjoyed that weekend! I now realize those pills were a form of speed, but at the time was just happy to be feeling better. My inhibitions were a bit...uninhibited. There was a DVD of my husbands in the player when we turned on the TV and I told him to go ahead and leave it on, my mind was just not really blocking it as it normally would. Lets just skip the rest of the evening-you have an imagination-and say it was a wake up call, albeit a very x-rated one.

The whole weekend was an exploratory journey for both of us. I had never felt so relaxed, unconcerned or free to try new things. My inhibitions, mental ideas and life-long training had taken a vacation. I really enjoyed the movies we were watching, liked some of the clips better than others and was open for watching more. I didn't even feel guilty about it, being a good girl did not even factor into the equation.

By the time my blood pressure was stabilized and I did not need any more medication, we had watched every movie he owned, found some on the computer and had ordered a few more DVD's. My husband, and the medication, had created a monster!! I realized one major difference in my new awakening; porn can be a lot of fun can open you up to trying new ideas and is a great way to bring up new experiences you want to share together. So, how to reconcile this to the opinions that society had trained its women to believe? That I believed?

What types of books and popular movies do you like? True crime, horror, drama or comedies--there are so many it is hard to choose. I love reading true crime books and watching high drama movies, enjoy the good westerns and laugh big time at the comedies. However-I have no desire to shoot the cowboys, Indians or bad guys - am not going to kill someone - and robbing a bank might be a funny joke, but will not happen with my involvement. The movies are a great escape from reality, but are just that--an escape. Where am I going with this you ask? Did you miss something?

X-rated movies are broken down into many niches and have a diverse and varied audience. Many people have already realized that by watching certain niches--it does NOT mean that is what they want to do sexually; they just like the scenario or the fantasy. How many of us have sexual fantasies that will never be performed? Not because they aren't hot and exciting, but because they reflect our erogenous thoughts, not our actual preferences.

Fantasies feed our 'what if' and sexually aroused visuals, not our active and conscious needs. They do not define who we are, just what we like to see or imagine. It’s the same with the movies. I love watching blow bangs--there is no way in hell I would blow anyone other than my husband and especially not at the same time!!! I did realize, though, that just because you watch it, fantasize about it and enjoy it--you do not want to do it, just like the genre of books and popular movies in your daily life. It is also an escape, just a sexually charged one.

Then I came alive, with that knowledge and along came the realization that society does not deem who I am. Society's opinions are not how I normally live my life, why start with my sexual relationship? What the hell was I thinking? I started to explore different genres and niches, talking them over with my husband. Together we explored, discussed and opened up about what we liked, wanted to find more of and enjoyed as a fantasy. This really opened up a new and unknown dimension in our relationship.

For us, being able to talk openly about our sexual turn-ons, fantasies, and new ideas to try, created closeness between us that is unparalleled. It opened a door that is usually left half closed in most relationships. We went an extra step and created another bond that is shared by only the two of us and is so vulnerable but strong it is amazing. The biggest secrets kept from a partner are your sexual fantasies, the deep, dark ones, the bring you over the edge ones--to have the ability to share them and to watch them happen to others, together with your partner is over the top erotic. It is also seriously bonding, you know what your partner is thinking and feeling during that clip--you are also talking about it and sharing the excitement.

And I became aware! I am now very experienced in the different niches, stars and their specialties, what types to avoid or watch and basically have collected thousands of clips for our personal DVD collection. I am a pro-porn woman!! I will even go as far as to say I know more stars, niches and genres than my husband does. Porn is not for every couple or relationship, but is an important addition to ours. I hope my revelation will help others to realize how incorporating this into a relationship can also be a good step for your intimacy. How embracing the idea of watching it or allowing your partner to watch it does not mean you are no longer a good person, just a more open person. I also realized that my husband is not comparing me to the stars, is not wishing it was them he was with and did not find me lacking in any way. Just like a movie star you think is hot but would never be with--the same goes for these movies. They do not want to replace you, just fantasize with you.

Now that you have traveled down this path with me, I want you to really think about why or why not porn is in your relationship. What is it that is really happening in your thoughts about it, have you really given it a chance? Now that I have your mind working, I am off--got a few more niches to discover!!