The Diary Of A Girl Who Just Wants To Be Loved

Who is this girl? She’s driving in the rain, and she’s listening to the songs, that she knows will bring her pain. Reflecting on her life, contemplating every move, she apologizes for all her wrongs, Even though she’s got nothing to prove. She isn’t allowed to be faltered, she puts others before her, she has to perfect even though she’s the weakest. She said, “Do you think I could speak? Do you think I could breathe? Lay your head on my chest. Can you hear my heart beating? “If you’d only look closer, you’ll see that there’s someone she’s trying to hide, if you’d only look sooner, you’ll see that she’s suffering inside.

She’s trapped between the person she is, and the person she’s supposed to be, she fakes her smiles and she fakes them so she believes them, she does what people tell her to, ’cause she can’t make her decisions. She said, “Do you think I could speak? Do you think I could breathe? Lay your head on my chest; can you hear my heart beating?” If you’d only look closer, You’ll see that there’s someone she’s trying to hide, If you’d only look sooner, You’ll see that she’s suffering inside.

She’s looking forward to holidays, because they’re the only days that still have meaning. She said, ”Someone turn off the music, Can you hear me screaming?“

She said, “Do you think I could speak? Do you think I could breathe? Lay your head on my chest. Can you hear my heart beating?” If you’d only look closer, You’ll see that there’s someone she’s trying to hide, If you’d only look sooner, You’ll see that she’s suffering inside.

(I do not take credit for this song in any way, this was written by Jinxed)

Song of the day. Fits pretty well. I’m trying. I love you.

Written Truth # 1
I haven’t written in this for a few days now. I haven’t had the inspiration or the energy. I am going to try to keep this up as much as possible but I will probably be gone for another two weeks since I am going on vacation. Although, my phone does have the Tumblr app. Maybe I will have the urge to blog about my vacation. A much needed vacation.

Things are… going. It really is a daily kind of thing. Some days are good, some days are bad. Some days are amazing, some days are fucking awful. For about three days, it was really really good days. Everything was going fine. I wasn’t in pain anymore and I wasn’t emotional. I was horny as fuck and we “found” each other again. Then for the past three days, we have just fought and I have just cried. I am being way overly emotional and cry at the drop of a hatch. I don’t know. I’m in pain again and started back up on the pain medication.

My hormones are all out of fucking whack and it is ticking me the hell off. I am like a god damn ticking bomb. One day I may be completely fine and the next, I’m crying if I spill something on the floor.

Some days we fight a lot, and other days we don’t. Lately, it has been more often. We just need more communication and more patience, for the both of us. We are trying to work on it but it is mostly me just crying I guess. I’m trying.

I think my vacation to see my Nana, aunt, uncle, cousins, and sister for two weeks is going to be good. I need my family. I need their support in everything that has been happening the last month. This last month, it has just plain been such fuckery. It has been complete shit. Seriously, I have some bad luck.

It has also been a really good month for BDSM play and new things for some reason. Some days, I need it real bad. And we try new and exciting things and I really enjoy it. I use my safe word SOMETIMES but not really. I try to keep up with it and I really enjoy it, even if I get off on pain.

I wish my days were just normal. Just even. Just balanced. Maybe one day? I hope after my vacation.. I will be more level headed. I miss everything about us before, except for our new found crazy sex BDSM everything. That is pretty fucking awesome when I’m not crying and not wanting to be touched.

All in all, life could be a little better.

Written Truth # 2
I need to make a plan for myself, to better myself.

I really don’t know where to start.

I’m just going to keep typing and hope something good comes out of it.

I want my fucking life back. I want it back, now. I’m tired of living like this fucking basket case of emotional train wreck that is me. It makes me sick to my stomach that I can’t get out of this. I feel like I’ll never be fixed. I feel like I can’t fix myself. I need to get to a doctor. I need to get new medication. I need stronger medication. I need medication that will make me the way I was again. I was perfectly okay with having SOME bad days. I am NOT okay with having ALL bad days.

I want to smile again. I want to feel like I am here again. I want to stop crying. I want to be productive. I want to stop having panic attacks. I want to stop being depressed. I want to stop crying, again. I want to be me.

I used to be so happy. I was so free spirited. I was such a happy person. All the time. Fucking nothing got me down. Nothing. And if it did, even for a split second, it was gone. I made it go away. And I cannot make this shit go away. I can’t make anything work or anything in my brain maintain some normalcy. I can’t do this.

I feel god fucking awful that I am putting my boyfriend through this. I am losing my fucking mind. He doesn’t even know the half of it. I tell him some things, but not everything. I am extremely suicidal and just want it to fucking stop. I cry all damn day and I can’t sleep a wink. I miss sleeping next to him. Kissing him. Having him hold me. He is trying his best, but I cannot keep doing this to him. I need to fix myself. I need to fix myself, NOW.

That is just the fucking mental part of my so called life.

I also have fucking fainting problems. I had them under control for a little while, and now they are back with a god damn vengeance. I literally faint 6-10 times a day. I have some fucking worse case of Vasovagal Syncope Response that doctors haven’t even fucking heard of. They don’t even know how to help me. All they say is to relax, take these pills, and minimize it all.

The medication did work. It was just an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety pill. They helped. My body built a tolerance and now it doesn’t work. I need higher doses. My anti-depressant doesn’t go any higher than 40mgs. My anti-anxiety pills, it can go up to 2mgs 3 times a day but my doctor won’t go in that direction.

I need some heavy fucking anti-depression pills and anti-anxiety pills. I’m talking Paxil or some shit. I need to relax. I need to forget about my worries and drift off into happiness. I can’t deal with daily life. I can barely function properly.

I faint, I get depressed, I have panic attacks. I have b-12 deficiency. Low potassium. And cannot think fucking straight.

Back to my previous rant, I need a doctor. I need stronger medication. I have researched stronger medication and I am not afraid to try them. I know that I need them. This isn’t a “want” discussion; I need them to get my life back.

I need to sleep.
I need to eat.
I need to smile.
I need to stop crying.
I need my boyfriend, more than ever.

I want to get married. I literally want to spend the rest of my life with him. We make no sense and we have nothing in common but when he kisses me and holds me, it is the most beautiful and loving thing that I have ever felt in my life. I know now, more than ever, that he is the one for me. He is it. I found him. And I cannot believe it.

Steps to become myself again: Get back to taking my regular doses of medication. Call my doctor, tell her everything. Tell her that I cannot find a doctor here and I need her right now. Ask her to prescribe me more major and drastic medication. I need sedation. I need to relax. I need to sleep. I need better pills. These are not working. After that, I need to focus on these new pills. I need to take them for as long as she wants me to take them and suffer through the first week because we all know that it sucks. I won’t feel great immediately. It takes a little bit of time to get into m system. Then I need to fix my relationship with my boyfriend. I need him to know that I love him and I would do anything to be myself again. If I could snap my fingers and be me, I would do it. I don’t want to be this person ever again. I hate me right now. I hate me so much. After that, I need a hobby. I need to get out of the house more. I need to make friends. I need to socialize. I need to go out and have fun with my boyfriend if we have the money. I need to find myself again. I need to travel. I need to make myself okay.

One last thing, I need to find me. I need to find Lulu. Where did she go? I don’t know.. but I will find her again. I will find me. I actually feel better now that I’ve written this. I’m exhausted, mentally and physically. I still cannot sleep. I wish I was lying in bed with my boyfriend.

Written Truth # 3
I wish I could be normal for you. I know I’m up, and I’m down, and I’m fucking everywhere. My emotions are fucking everywhere. You are completely right. I am so sorry that you are frustrated with me. I would do anything to be myself again and have it all the same again.

I miss us so badly and I promise that I will try my hardest to get it back. I do not want to lose you. You say you’ll wait, but I don’t know for how long. You say I’m worth it, but am I? I put you through so much and I hate myself for it.

I love you. I’m trying to become me again. I’ve never really been “me”. I’ve always been medicated and I don’t know any other way. I don’t know how to not be depressed. I don’t know how to not cry. I don’t know how to not be anxious. I don’t know how to not have panic attacks. I don’t know how to be level headed. I don’t know how. I just don’t know. And I can’t fix it because I’ve never known how. All I’ve known is medication. Pills being shoved down my throat by doctors upon doctors.

I promise you that I will find myself. I try every single day. I see bursts of me each day, and then it is gone. I don’t know where it goes, but it goes.

I wish you would have read my tumblr outcry that I posted a few days ago. You talked to me tonight about exactly what I wrote about. I knew this was coming. I knew it was coming because who can stand to be with a person that can’t even control her own feelings? I don’t know how to calm down. I don’t know.

I want you to be able to talk to me without you thinking that I will freak out. Probably 9 times out of 10, I will freak out. But, I still need you to talk to me. Everything you said to me tonight... It made sense. And I hate that it makes sense because now I know that it is real. And I don’t want it to be real. I just want to live in this fairy tale and forget everything bad that ever happened to me, and us.

I love you. Please be patient. Don’t leave me. I don’t know what I would do without you. You mean the world to me and more. I hope that you continue to wake up in the morning and you are happy that I am there.

Written Truth # 1
Yesterday was kind of an emotional day for me, honestly. When Master and I finally went to bed, we cuddled. Kissed. I got horny. I got wet. He got hard. And I begged him to fuck me. He fucked with me for a while, asking which places were still sore. He played with my nipples and pinched them — hard. He asked if those were still sore, and they were. He grabbed my breasts and squeezed and asked if they were still sensitive, and I said yes with a little moan.

He cupped my pussy and felt how wet I was from him just touching me and rubbed my clit, really hard. He asked if my clit was still sore and bruised from the clamp that I beg for when we fuck, I moaned and said yes, Thank you Master.

He finally got on top of me and started to fuck me. It was very vanilla for a while and I guess my body was all “We don’t like vanilla. We like rough. We like pain” because I basically went crazy dry down there.

He noticed I was dry and told me I was, in a question almost. I asked him to hurt me while he fucked me and see if I got wet again. It wasn’t like I wasn’t horny..

He punched my boob. He punched it again. He punched the other. He twisted and pulled each nipple and punched them again and again. He pulled out and punched my pussy. Then he grabbed my throat with his hands and started to choke me. He slammed his cock back into me and I wasn’t anywhere near dry. I was completely dripping wet.

He insisted that I am just his slut and completely his to play with, however he chooses. He says that I like the pain. And I really like being sore. Especially in the sensitive places. He continued to choke me and I had to grab his hands away because I needed to breathe desperately. He let me for a second, then put his hands right back where they were choking me and told me to not make him move his hands away. He fucked harder and harder and finally let go of my neck, only to cum deeply inside of me.

He pulled out and lay beside me. I had a smile on my face and I felt all the soreness. I loved it. I just laid there and soaked all the pain up. I got up finally to clean myself off and to clean him off. I came back to bed and told him that I loved him. He said “We now know you only get off on being in pain, controlled, being mine” as a statement. I said “Thank you, Master” and he punched me once more in my already sensitive pussy, making sure he punched directly on my swollen clitoris as hard as he could. He flipped me over and sat on my back backwards and punched my ass numerous times as hard as he could until I begged him to stop.

Obviously, I really enjoy him punching my intimate parts a lot. So much. I crave it. I’m craving it now.

I was completely in heaven. Now that I am up and moving, every single time I move, I feel my clitoris is sore. I feel my ass sore. I feel my boobs and nipples sore. I completely love it. I’m completely in love with this Man. We are perfect for each other. I seriously want to be with him, forever. I don’t ever want to leave.

Written Truth # 2
Today was actually a good day. I got shit done. I found a good doctor. I have an appointment on Friday. I found a good pill doctor; I have an appointment on Wednesday.

I had a lot of kinky sex today. I really needed it. My vagina seems to be getting wet again. I don’t know why it was like the sierra desert before. I really like my boyfriend being rough with me. We still aren’t fully into the BDSM spectrum again, but we are definitely getting there. I missed it a lot.

I cam-whored and got 50 dollars in like an hour. It was nice. I needed the cash.

I wrote five sex toy reviews and made five nudity videos to go with them. I can only post one a day and four a week, so I’ll post the other three in the next three days since I already posted one.

I am proud of myself that I accomplished a lot today. I hope tomorrow is the same way. I am still not sleeping well, it is 12:30am and I’m not even tired. I will try soon.

Written Truth # 3
I need him to prioritize better. I need him to take jobs that pay more that expect less work and he is home more days a week. He declines these jobs because it conflicts with magic the gathering on Fridays and Saturdays. I want to make a life with him. I’m trying to work on it on my end, I need him to try on his end. I dropped my whole fucking life to be with him, and what happened to me? I seriously think I went fucking nuts.

I want him to be happy, above all. I came here because I was deeply in love with him and I wanted to live the dream. The dream sucks and I want him to fix it. He needs to prioritize more. I just need him to be the man that I know he is. We all have to sacrifice a little. I’m not asking him to throw away his hobbies and the things that make him happy. I’m not asking that. I’m asking him to come half way. Try. I want our own place. A place for just me and him. Where I am this perfect housewife and cook/clean/do things around the house and greet him when he comes home.

I want him so incredibly happy that it is making me depressed because I am failing. I’m failing. I can’t make him happy. I don’t even have a damn sex drive right now. I feel god fucking awful about that. I am failing. I failed. Completely.

Written Truth # 1
I’m allowed to be hurt. When I signed up for all of this, I may have had the intention or thought of allowing another person to be in our sex lives or in your sex life. Now that I’m here, and I’m with you.. I’m allowed to also change my mind. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think you would want to just casually fuck another girl that can squirt because I’m not able.

I’m aware that we are into kinks and fetishes, but this isn’t okay. You said it. We are a team. You want to talk to me, but you don’t listen when I respond. I’m allowed to have emotions. I’m allowed to get upset over this. I refuse to say I’m sorry to you because you got pissed off that I was upset. That is not how this is going to go.

It hurt me that you asked. I felt like my heart was dropping and I was falling. Even when you were telling me that it wouldn’t mean anything and it would be just sex, it hurt.

I understand your need for something better. I can’t be that perfect sex partner, no one can — as you say. But, you are my perfect one. I don’t want to fuck anyone else. Not even for fantasy sake.. I just want you. Why can’t you just want me? Why am I not enough?

You have deeply hurt me. For some reason, you always turn everything around on me. And make me feel like the bad guy. Make me feel “sorry”. This time, I’m not sorry for being upset.

I’m going to forget about this. I’m going to act like you never asked. I don’t want to hear about it again. I don’t want to even consider it. It breaks my heart. I am monogamous. I am loyal. I’ll never leave you. I just need you to need me too.

We are doing down a very dark path and I don’t know if we can recover from all of this. I love you. Don’t put this in our way of happiness too.

Written Truth # 2
You know what? I’m done playing this ridiculous game.

If you want to casually fuck a girl, go for it. I don’t care. When you do, and IF you can actually find a girl who is willing to fuck you that does those special abilities that I can’t, you aren’t fucking me.

You think it is just acceptable to ask your girlfriend that loves you so much, if you can go casually fuck another girl because you miss the experience. Oh, no. But, it wouldn’t mean anything right? WRONG. Sex means something, especially to girls.

And to top it the fuck off? You can’t even afford to have a casual fuck buddy. You can’t even afford me.

Do you know what I want? I’ve fucking bend over god damn backwards to make your life easier, and lost myself in the fucking process.

I want you to grow up. I want you to accept better jobs even though it conflicts with your precious magic the gathering on Fridays and Saturdays.

I want you to stay the fuck home on those days and be with me, watch a movie with me, take me out, be there for me.

You want to know what I’ve realized? I am not a priority in your life. I’m not one of them.

I may love you, but I don’t like you right now.

You need to seriously think about what you are doing and fix this shit. I’m not fucking around. I will leave you.

I’m trying to make a home for us, make a life for us, and you are still fucking around being a kid and not growing up.

I may have my own fucking demons to face, but I am far better off than you are.

And I say this again, sure. Go find a girl that can squirt so you can fuck her and be all happy. The only thing that tells me is that I’m not good enough for you and I’m not enough for you. You are enough for me. Why can’t I be enough for you?

I’m NOT overreacting. If I told ANYONE about this, they would definitely think the same thing as me. Boyfriend asks girlfriend if he can casually “not all the time” fuck a girl “with no emotional connection” because he misses it. Girlfriend has her heart broken. Girlfriend gets pissed. ANY OTHER GIRL WOULD LEAVE YOU ALREADY.

Some days, I don’t know why I’m here. I love you. Don’t do this

Written Truth # 3
We still haven’t talked about it. We really didn’t talk all day. I honestly think the only thing we talked about is my cat, and that is it. I slept most of the day; I didn’t want to deal with it. I went to bed early, and I slept well. I woke up, and now it is 2am. I need to wake up at 5am to get the boyfriend off to work then go back to sleep till about 8:30am because I have a 9:30am doctor’s appointment.

I really hope that this doctor puts me on some good shit. I need a fucking tranquilizer. I need some sedation. I need some pain pills. I need him to up my anti-depression pills. I need a pill to make me go to lala land since I need it like three times a week.

I talked to my Nana today. I call her like 3 times a day, you know. She is totally my rock. If you don’t know about my Nana, I love her to death. She raised me since I was four years old. She is the one person I can count on no matter what happens. She is always there, and I am always there for her.

So, I tell her what happened. She gives me good advice. Really good advice. She says that her husband (my grandpa) whom isn’t my real grandpa but he is to me, he is like my father figure. Anyways, she says that her husband “jokes” around that he wants to go find someone to do his “business” with since he is kind of out there. Nana and Grandpa don’t have sex or sleep in the same bed. They have a marriage where they are just friends, but love each other. She says that when he jokes around like that, it hurts her sometimes. Now that she is older, she just says “Go for it!”

When I told her that my boyfriend was serious, she got very defensive. She almost wanted me to just come home. All the bad shit that keeps on happening is not stopping and it is hurting my health in the process. My health is important. I may love my boyfriend, but he is seriously a douche bag most of the time. He needs to prioritize me a lot more in his life. I miss the days where we were madly in love with each other and never fought. I miss the days where I actually wanted to have sex with him. I still do, but he wants more. I’m not enough, I guess.

This is just my 2am rant because I can’t sleep and I can’t take anymore pills because it would probably kill me.

I don’t want to leave him, but the cons are out weighting the pros more often than not. Some days, we are just fine. I love him, completely. I want to be around him every single second. I’m constantly on him and touching him. Other days, I don’t want to hear his voice say one more word about magic the gathering or civilization 5.

I love him, but things need to change. Since I met him, I knew he was forever. I just knew it. Now.. I don’t know anymore. I hope this lasts. I don’t want to lose him, but things are going downhill.

I need happiness in my life and not to be cooped up in this house 5 days a week or more. I need to get out more. I need to spend time with my boyfriend when we go out. I need him to stop making fun/making jokes every single second of everything I do. It eventually gets to me and then I’m pissed. It hurts.

I miss him. I miss us. I want to slap him into tomorrow, but I love him. Only god knows why. I sure as hell don’t know why.

Written Truth # 4
I am really hoping for some better days. It just seems that we fight over everything. We don’t have much in common at all and we are always polar opposites on most things. I love you, but we need more compromise. I told you today that I need you to prioritize me more, and you thought you were. I wish you were, but you really aren’t.

My grandparents (the people who I care about the most) are going to drive four hours to come see me for my birthday. They mean so much to me and I need you to be more respectful. Do it for me, you don’t even need to do it for them. Just, do it for me.

You say that you can’t make it because it is a Saturday magic the gathering day. You tell me that you will try to figure something out, but from 3pm+, you don’t think so. You are really going to not show up for my birthday dinner because of a card game and the hate you have for my family?

I am nice to your family. I am always respectful towards them and I am always nice to them. I put a smile on my face and deal with it. They are good people, and I want you to treat my parents with the same respect that I show yours.

You make me sick on how little you care about me and the people that I love. I know that you probably think you care plenty, but you don’t.

I NEED TO BE A PRIORITY. I am last. I am always last. Your games always come first. I do not recommend that this keep on happening. Just for a future reference, you will lose in the end.

You make me so upset because you can’t just act nice around my family. They are MY family and you need to just understand this now. I love them more than you know and they will always be in my life. For however long I am in your life, they will be in your life too.

Stop talking down to me like you know everything in the entire world. You do not know what my family will do. They are not the most evil people in the world. They mean the world to me. I need you to just suck it up. I need you to stop arguing with me about them, because when it comes down to it, I will choose them.

I love you, but please. I need you to set me as some high priority in your life, because I always feel like I’m second.

Written Truth # 1
Today is July 31st, 2012. I have been living with my boyfriend since April. And we have been through hell and back. If you have read my previous entries of a girl who is crazy, you will know that I have been through a lot. I think Karma owes me big time. I believe that I am done ranting. I am done being sad. I am done being upset. I am done being angry. I just want to smile. I want to smile so much that my cheeks hurt.

My boyfriend and I had a conversation today. He doesn't like me as much. We have a boring sex life. He doesn't love me as much. I overreact about everything. I get emotional about everything. And I am a bitch. He misses our BDSM play and the girl he fell in love with. He wants the girl who came here in April to come back, and be that girl that he fell in love with.

I completely agree. I want that fun spirited girl that didn't have a care in the world to come back to life. I'm trying to find her. I know that she is there. She is somewhere there. I want our BDSM and kink to come back. I want to have extreme sex again. My vagina disagrees, but I want it back too. It isn't just him that wants it, it is me too.

And I really want a cigarette. I miss being a smoker. He doesn't date smokers, so I guess that is out of the question.

I know one thing -- I love him. I don't know how. I don't know why. I just do. And I know another thing -- I want to make him happy. Again, I don't know how, and I don't know why. I just do.

I want to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face because he is next to me. I want to make him breakfast at 5 in the morning so he goes off to work in a good mood. I want him to come home and I kiss him at the door. I want to talk about things with him and interact with him more. Apparently, we don't talk either. I want to make his dreams come true. I want all of this but I have dreams too.

Karma says "Oh look, Lulu is happy! Better get her!"

I think I want to slap Karma in the face, honestly.

This is an excerpt from a blog that I had when I first entered culinary school.
"I really, really love baking/culinary.
This is my passion in life.
I can't imagine myself sitting behind a desk/cubicle the rest of my life.
I need more adventure than that.
I need creativity.
I need masterpieces.
I need divinely decadent food art.
I need to create.
Even when I don't have class for a day..
Like the weekend,
All i want to do is bake.
I need to perfect things.
Make them my own."

I want that girl back again. Is she around? Can you see her? Where is she at? I know I'll find her one day, but for now.. I am here to make him happy.

For now, I am this. I am a living time-bomb waiting to explode into a million pieces, not knowing if I'll ever find the pieces again. I hope I don't explode, and I hope that I make something more of myself.

Written Truth Conclusion

I really enjoy writing, and SexIs is allowing me to do just that. I love to have my voice heard. I love to write about my emotions and what I am feeling. I love to write erotica and sexy things. For now, this is what it is. I am writing for my sanity. I am writing to make my life a little easier. I am writing to make myself not go insane. I am writing to make something. I am writing to breathe. I am writing to connect with people. And above else, I am writing for love.

I hope you enjoyed my series of blog entries and how I have progressed or digressed. I am hoping someday real soon that I will have something amazingly funny and creative to say or write.

I will continue to write and hopefully find my sexy self again. Sex really goes for a turn for the worst when you are losing your mind. I miss sex. Extreme sex. Sex that makes you scream and cry in that good way.

Sex, I'm letting you know this now. I'm hunting you down. Beware of Lulu. I'm going to get ya.