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Cerebral Wanderlust: What Men and Women are Really Thinking About

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Does a straying mind make you a stray dog? What are you freaks really thinking about in flagrante delicto? If your mind works anywhere close to normal, it’s going to wander—at least occasionally

  What Won’t

Claudia, 45, is 14 years married with two small children “…and a sex life that a lot of my friends envy,” she says. “I can’t say I come every single time—but I think that part of having great sex, of being a good lover, comes from open-mindedness, exploration and an understanding that your own orgasm isn’t the only reason to have it.”

There are occasions where her husband will give her “absolutely knee-locking, toe-curling” oral in the middle of the night, “and I just roll over and go back to sleep,” she giggles. Sometimes, the scene flips and it’s all about him. “More often, we both get off,” she says, “but there’s no pressure. It’s not a contest. Why should it be? It turns me on just to turn him on.”

Claudia admits to fantasizing amid the action on occasion. “Sometimes I don’t think about anything specific. I just feel what’s going on and fall into the act of being turned on, body and mind. The whole universe, all that has ever been, is buzzing between my legs,” she laughs. But when her mind does wander, it moves not to the memory books, but ones that remain unwritten.

“I tend to think about things I probably wouldn’t do in real life,” she says. “Maybe I go to some swingers club and end up playing with a woman while her husband watches. Or I invent a friends-with-benefits fantasy with a fictional married woman. I’ve even had rape fantasies. Occasionally, I’ll think about being with a real man I actually know; what that first kiss might be like, how his cock would feel and taste, how his body would react, that sort of thing. It’s very exciting—that factor of unknown.”

Claudia doesn’t share these thoughts with her husband, though she sometimes tries to get him to talk about the girls who came before. “Maybe it’s the security I feel in our relationship that allows me to be turned on by his past.”

  What Already Has

“My mind wanders all the time when I’m having sex with my wife,” says Warren, 40, who calls their sex life after 14 years of marriage “active and fulfilling.”

“Sometimes it’s just bills or work or my parents or whatever. Sometimes I get a song in my head I just can’t shake—which is actually cool because it can buy me a few extra minutes. But most of the time it’s generally images and memories of girls I’ve fucked in the past or the ones who gave really great blowjobs. I have a couple of old girlfriends that I take in there with me on occasion.”

Heather, 39 and single, is in a long-distance relationship. “We have our share of hot phone sex—and great sex when we’re together—although my drive is much higher than his.” Historically, she runs her own version of Warren’s play when things in the bedroom aren’t necessarily punching her clock. “If it’s not good, I go to the highlight reel and replay an encounter that was amazing.”

  Conjugal Conflict

Damian, 36, finds himself in a situation he never thought would happen. “I love my wife deeply, but am starting to grow concerned about our differing attitudes toward and appetites for sex. It’s strange to see my moods change when time passes without any. I start to get grumpy and pessimistic. I can get resentful and standoffish.”

Sex is infrequent, he says. “And when it’s available it is less enthusiastic than it has ever been. Although, I still come pretty hard.” His biggest pet peeve? She never makes the first move.

“I instigate every session and it drives me nuts. I like to be dominated a bit sometimes. I don’t want to be the leader every time. I want her to slide her hand into my shorts while we’re watching TV. I want her to demand that I fuck her. I want her to grab my cock, to be forced and told. This element doesn’t exist in my sex life and it’s tough for me.”

Even so, Damian’s mind tends to stay where his body is in the bedroom. “Where it does wander is to the physical act itself. “There is very little in this world that fascinates me more than the vagina. I think about spreading it open and burying my cock or tongue deep inside it. I think about the color, the skin texture and even the smell. During sex, I go out of my way to make sure I can see the actual penetration. It’s hot to watch my cock slide in and out.”

  Single Sex for Double X

Jane, 38, is a single mom and self-described, “100 percent, born-and-bred, dyed-in-the-wool, gold star-lesbian, meaning the last time I saw a penis, I was very young and it was purely by accident.”

Recently ejected into the world of dating following a monogamous eight-year relationship Jane calls “satisfying in many ways, but not true love”—she says they were great friends, but almost never kissed or had sex. Jane feels semi-culpable. “She was so beautiful to me and I loved to hold her, look at her, date her and—as the lesbians do—snuggle her, but there was almost no chemistry.”

Everyone’s mind wanders sometimes, says Jane, “It might wander while someone is doing me—if it ain’t so good—but it never, ever wanders when I’m doing someone else. I’m 100 percent there with her.”

Think the Samantha character on Sex and the City is unrealistic? Meet Yvette, 34, who is doing so many men since the break-up of her five-year relationship (one she thought would culminate in marriage), that friends are unsure, quite frankly, how she manages to do anything else.

“I assembled first my 12 disciples,” she laughs. “Then the numbers got too large and my friends suggested I field a baseball team—with men in the farm league, the minors, guys who had contracts extended. I like to say I have three franchise players; guys who have potential to make the final relationship cut.”

Even with multiple partners, Yvette still finds her body might be with one while her mind is with another. “There is one guy who has the most flawless penis—long and wide with the perfect head. I sometimes fantasize about him when I know I’m close to getting off. Usually him tapping that perfect dick on my clit. Sometimes it’s more situational. There’s this basketball player I see who’s 6’9” and it really turns me on to think that this guy is kneeling between my legs. Can you say ‘power trip?!’ ”

  What Matters

Matthew and Rick, 20, are identical twins. Both are business majors, both play in a basketball league, both love fixing up old cars, both love blondes. Matthew’s current celebrity crush is Carrie Underwood. Rick’s is Daniel Craig.

The point?

Even people with the same DNA find different things sexy, and once you move from the physical to the cerebral, there's no rhyme of reason to the things, scenarios, and situations people conjure up.

So, are you what’s on your lover’s mind when you're doing the nasty? The best answer our limited research can unearth: Sometimes. Don’t feel any guilt about pretending he’s your kid’s hot soccer coach or she’s Miss November. Or you’re Miss November. Or anything, really. Why limit ourselves in one of the few places we can be limitless?


Contributor: gone77

It's pretty much a cliche, but the mind really is the greatest erogenous zone. I couldn't be with someone who felt that thinking about someone else while having sex is cheating. It just doesn't work for me. And it's creepy and a little too possessive for my liking. Unless I was a submissive in a D/s relationship.... hmmmmm



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