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Long distance and D/s relationships

by adamr from
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Long distance and D/s... it's like someone went looking for a complicated style of relationship to be a part of. But with the right emphasis on communication and patience with common issues, they can be a breeze.


Anyone that has ever been in any relationship would likely stress the importance of communication. Adding kinky elements, or distance to your relationship only increases the emphasis on the importance of communication. Working within the constraints of a lack of face to face time, we are left with phone calls, texting, emailing, instant messaging, and video chatting. I’m not going to spend much time addressing emailing or instant messaging as they can be extrapolated from texting.

My partner and I are huge texters. It’s rare for us to go more than two hours, excluding when we are sleeping, without texting each other. I’ll admit this amount of texting probably doesn't work for everyone, as you can run out of things to say and have the constant texting seem more like a nuisance. Try to find a balance of texting that works for you. It can take a bit of time to figure this out sometimes. In my relationship, we have on several occasions had less than friendly conversations about the amount of texting. We both worry when there is too little, and he gets paranoid that I'm up to no good. And when we text too much all the time we get on each others’ nerves.

Thanks to picture phones, incorporating a D/s dynamic with this form of communication is more fun now. A dominant type can give commands and get pictures back as proof, and from my submissive point of view, I can say I really like being able to show how well I can follow orders; there’s pride in being obedient. Long distance relationships put emphasis on gaining better communications skills. With time the dominant type in the relationship will likely get better at spelling out commands and together you can find a style that works for you both.

Phone calls are another common method of communication. I tend to think of it for the times you really want audio but can’t get to video chat. Phone calls let you hear the tone of your partner’s voice, which can really strengthen the message in their words and further re-establish roles. And if things start to heat up, you can hear all the pretty little sounds the submissive type makes following orders.

And then there’s video chatting: the next best thing to actually being together. Based on couples I’ve talked to and my own experience, this generally goes smoothly up until you start “performing.” I definitely fall victim to some of the common hang ups people have with having webcam sex; I’m not that talkative when the playing starts and I feel this pressure to entertain. Dirty talk by no means is my area of expertise, but video chatting really makes me feel like I need to work on it more. So if you’re an all-star at it, you’ll probably feel a bit more comfortable in front of the webcam. If the dominant type in your relationship is good at giving commands and orders, there’s room for lots of fun with video chatting. If neither you are the best at dirty talking, this will highlight the need to work on it, and in time you'll see that you'll get better with it. And just try your best not to be body conscious... it definitely makes things less fun. If you are feeling body conscious, speaking up about it can help, because then your partner can reassure you how smokin' hot you are.

  Rules and Punishment

Having set rules for the submissive type to follow can work as a constant reminder of the presence of his/her dominant type in his/her life and control that has been handed over to him/her. Depending on how strict the dominant type is in this dynamic will depend on the severity and amount of rules. A common rule I’ve run into is not allowing the submissive to play with him/herself or reach orgasm without the permission of the dominant, and this is definitely one of those roles that are still relevant in long distance relationships. The list of rules I have range from having to keep my apartment clean and not falling behind on college course work, with a handful that fall in between. Like how I mentioned my partner and I text all the time, I’m supposed to text twice an hour when I’m out and not with family. In our case, the rules aren't always about sex. We have a Daddy/little girl dynamic to our relationship so our rules deal with me making sure I’m taking care of myself.

And of course with rules you will need punishments for when they aren’t followed. A lot of D/s style punishments can be modified to having the submissive carry them out on his/herself; performing them over webcam or sending pictures to prove the punishment was carried out, if that’s relevant. But being in a long distance relationship also provides the ability to have a lack of communication as punishment. This can definitely seem like a major punishment depending on the submissive.

Based on my own experience, these two aspects have been really important to me. It helps me always feel submissive to my partner and that he is looking out for me and makes good use of the control I've given him. While I'll never like being punished; it's unnecessary to tie up the lose ends of breaking a rule or just general misbehaving with being punished. It helps me to move on and forgive myself for doing something bad.

Long distance D/s style relationships definitely work out, but there's a bit more to take into consideration to help keep them alive and healthy. Hopefully the information I've shared helps.


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