It’s reached the stage at which I’ll hear some straight, white, cisgender guy tell me he’s “a feminist” and my bullshit detector will go off like a fire alarm.
I’ll admit this is a prejudiced opinion, but hear me out: Haven’t you encountered your fair share of so-called “good guys” (who claim to support sex positivity, feminism and other liberal issues) who later reveal themselves to be creepy douchebags of the highest order (le Order de la Merit du Sac Douche, if you’re interested.)
Let me give you an example: Kyle Payne.
This guy was a prolific activist who claimed to be creating “a more life-affirming culture of sexuality” for women. He wrote papers attacking pornography, was an advocate for victims of sexual violence and a self-proclaimed “feminist.”
Which was all well and good — until we learned how he’d been arrested for assaulting a student at Buena Vista University (he later plead guilty to secretly photographing and filming the student’s breasts).
It’s a chilling example of just how insincere and hypocritical a so-called “feminist” man turned out to be — but not unique.
Lets look at another “friend” to the sex positive community: 58-year-old Bill Graber. He claimed to be an advocate of equal rights for gays and lesbians — yet his “contribution” to sex positivity was a popular blog advocating LGBT rights under the assumed identity of a D.C. based lesbian called Paula Brooks.
His blog, Lez Get Real, won much support — which made it even more of a betrayal when it the whole thing was revealed to be a lie from beginning to end.
Even more outrageous was that this came to light through interactions he’d had with fellow lesbian blogger Amina Arraf, the so-called Gay Girl in Damascus. It had been revealed just days earlier that Syrian blogger Amina was actually a 40-year-old white, heterosexual American called Tom MacMaster (hilarious if it wasn’t quite so creepy!).
While we’re on the subject, I would be remiss not to mention another fake female blogger: Alexa Di Carlo. Her wildly popular blog, outlining adventures as a San Francisco sex worker, won the admiration of many — including those who’d communicated with “Alexa” directly.
Once again, that made it even more painful when “she” was revealed to be a guy — a frequent patron of escorts who’d been using his Alexa identity to “verify” himself with sex workers who’d trusted his fictional alter-ego.
And sadly the creepiness of self-proclaimed “liberal” men is only amplified the more famous they get. There are two celebrity white, straight, cisgender males in particular who send a shiver down my spine whenever they align themselves with liberal, sex-positive or feminist issues.
The first is Julian Assange — the face behind the Wikileaks website.
For all of Assange’s liberal pretensions, he’s creepy to the power of ten. When rape allegations were made against him, there was no doubt they were politically motivated — but the allegations, are truly disturbing.
According to the report of one alleged assault, Assange told a consenting partner that he’d wear a condom, then didn’t. Later, she awoke to find him having sex with her (obviously unable to consent) and when asked if he was “wearing anything,” i.e. a condom, he responded, “Yes. You.”
Isn’t that, like, the creepiest thing you’ve ever heard?
At the time, I blogged about whether or not this could be classified as “rape.” Ultimately, I had a hard time convincing myself that it couldn’t.
The irony is that Wikileaks is now broke — so to raise funds, they’re auctioning off a “date” with Julian Assange. It led to me overhearing a slightly sketchy quip, “if they pay extra, he’ll even wear a condom when he rapes them!”
And that kind of comedy brought me to my final supposedly-liberal, supposedly-feminist, actually-creepy white, straight, cisgender male — Bill Maher.
When I first moved to America, I thought Bill Maher was amazing. Then I started watching his show — and the thin veneer of liberal integrity he hid behind quickly evaporated. The first time I started to think he was creepy was in 2009, when he was talking about Tila Tequila getting choked by a boyfriend.
“Stop acting surprised someone choked Tila Tequila,” Bill scoffed. “The surprise is nobody choked this bitch sooner!”
You know what? I’m not much of a fan of Tila Tequila — but I didn’t find that funny. Especially not since he said it with a truly creepy enthusiasm.
The next time my creep-o-meter went off with Bill Maher was back in 2010, after President Obama finally got his health reform passed. Bill joked about how Democrats should treat Republicans the same way Tiger Wood sexted he’d treat his girlfriend:
“Tell them, ‘Shut the fuck up while I slap your face for making noise — now pass a cap-and-trade law, you stupid bitch, and repeat after me: global warming is real!’”
Transcribing the rape metaphor doesn’t do it justice — you needed to watch the relish in Maher’s face when he delivered these lines to truly catch the creepiness.
His eyes widened when he sneered: “I want to hold you down and choke you while I fuck that ass that I own.” His neck bulged when he said he wanted to see Republicans “squeal like a pig!”
Finally, we caught a glimpse of the “real” Bill Maher – one who wasn’t such a progressive guy after all.
Which is why I understand how white, straight, cisgender guys are often viewed with suspicion, if not outright hostility. Once bitten, twice shy — and “good guys” in the sex positive community have turned out to be epic creeps more than once.
This is why I’ve tried to step around being labeled “sex-positive” or “feminist” — because I don’t want to be labeled a hypocrite for sharing one of my inevitably outspoken opinions with somebody who feels my opinion is contrary to either principle.
In fact, principles are at the core of this issue.
If you look at the “good guys” turned bad, you’ll notice that ‘principles’ were what attracted them to the sex positive community in the first place, not people (or so they claimed).
All the “good” guys I’ve met within the sex-positive community have been brought to it as friends, lovers and acquaintances of sex-positive activists — not advocates in their own right.
Perhaps that’s why they exemplify tolerance, moderation and respect — because it’s people they care about, not arbitrary ideals and principles.
It reminds me, in fact, of something Ian Fleming wrote in the first James Bond novel, Casino Royale:
“Surround yourself with people. People are so much easier to fight for than principles.”
Easier to fight for, yes — and also, so much more difficult to betray.
I’ll admit this is a prejudiced opinion, but hear me out: Haven’t you encountered your fair share of so-called “good guys” (who claim to support sex positivity, feminism and other liberal issues) who later reveal themselves to be creepy douchebags of the highest order (le Order de la Merit du Sac Douche, if you’re interested.)
Let me give you an example: Kyle Payne.
This guy was a prolific activist who claimed to be creating “a more life-affirming culture of sexuality” for women. He wrote papers attacking pornography, was an advocate for victims of sexual violence and a self-proclaimed “feminist.”
Which was all well and good — until we learned how he’d been arrested for assaulting a student at Buena Vista University (he later plead guilty to secretly photographing and filming the student’s breasts).
It’s a chilling example of just how insincere and hypocritical a so-called “feminist” man turned out to be — but not unique.
Lets look at another “friend” to the sex positive community: 58-year-old Bill Graber. He claimed to be an advocate of equal rights for gays and lesbians — yet his “contribution” to sex positivity was a popular blog advocating LGBT rights under the assumed identity of a D.C. based lesbian called Paula Brooks.
His blog, Lez Get Real, won much support — which made it even more of a betrayal when it the whole thing was revealed to be a lie from beginning to end.
Even more outrageous was that this came to light through interactions he’d had with fellow lesbian blogger Amina Arraf, the so-called Gay Girl in Damascus. It had been revealed just days earlier that Syrian blogger Amina was actually a 40-year-old white, heterosexual American called Tom MacMaster (hilarious if it wasn’t quite so creepy!).
While we’re on the subject, I would be remiss not to mention another fake female blogger: Alexa Di Carlo. Her wildly popular blog, outlining adventures as a San Francisco sex worker, won the admiration of many — including those who’d communicated with “Alexa” directly.
Once again, that made it even more painful when “she” was revealed to be a guy — a frequent patron of escorts who’d been using his Alexa identity to “verify” himself with sex workers who’d trusted his fictional alter-ego.
And sadly the creepiness of self-proclaimed “liberal” men is only amplified the more famous they get. There are two celebrity white, straight, cisgender males in particular who send a shiver down my spine whenever they align themselves with liberal, sex-positive or feminist issues.
The first is Julian Assange — the face behind the Wikileaks website.
For all of Assange’s liberal pretensions, he’s creepy to the power of ten. When rape allegations were made against him, there was no doubt they were politically motivated — but the allegations, are truly disturbing.
According to the report of one alleged assault, Assange told a consenting partner that he’d wear a condom, then didn’t. Later, she awoke to find him having sex with her (obviously unable to consent) and when asked if he was “wearing anything,” i.e. a condom, he responded, “Yes. You.”
Isn’t that, like, the creepiest thing you’ve ever heard?
At the time, I blogged about whether or not this could be classified as “rape.” Ultimately, I had a hard time convincing myself that it couldn’t.
The irony is that Wikileaks is now broke — so to raise funds, they’re auctioning off a “date” with Julian Assange. It led to me overhearing a slightly sketchy quip, “if they pay extra, he’ll even wear a condom when he rapes them!”
And that kind of comedy brought me to my final supposedly-liberal, supposedly-feminist, actually-creepy white, straight, cisgender male — Bill Maher.
When I first moved to America, I thought Bill Maher was amazing. Then I started watching his show — and the thin veneer of liberal integrity he hid behind quickly evaporated. The first time I started to think he was creepy was in 2009, when he was talking about Tila Tequila getting choked by a boyfriend.
“Stop acting surprised someone choked Tila Tequila,” Bill scoffed. “The surprise is nobody choked this bitch sooner!”
You know what? I’m not much of a fan of Tila Tequila — but I didn’t find that funny. Especially not since he said it with a truly creepy enthusiasm.
The next time my creep-o-meter went off with Bill Maher was back in 2010, after President Obama finally got his health reform passed. Bill joked about how Democrats should treat Republicans the same way Tiger Wood sexted he’d treat his girlfriend:
“Tell them, ‘Shut the fuck up while I slap your face for making noise — now pass a cap-and-trade law, you stupid bitch, and repeat after me: global warming is real!’”
Transcribing the rape metaphor doesn’t do it justice — you needed to watch the relish in Maher’s face when he delivered these lines to truly catch the creepiness.
His eyes widened when he sneered: “I want to hold you down and choke you while I fuck that ass that I own.” His neck bulged when he said he wanted to see Republicans “squeal like a pig!”
Finally, we caught a glimpse of the “real” Bill Maher – one who wasn’t such a progressive guy after all.
Which is why I understand how white, straight, cisgender guys are often viewed with suspicion, if not outright hostility. Once bitten, twice shy — and “good guys” in the sex positive community have turned out to be epic creeps more than once.
This is why I’ve tried to step around being labeled “sex-positive” or “feminist” — because I don’t want to be labeled a hypocrite for sharing one of my inevitably outspoken opinions with somebody who feels my opinion is contrary to either principle.
In fact, principles are at the core of this issue.
If you look at the “good guys” turned bad, you’ll notice that ‘principles’ were what attracted them to the sex positive community in the first place, not people (or so they claimed).
All the “good” guys I’ve met within the sex-positive community have been brought to it as friends, lovers and acquaintances of sex-positive activists — not advocates in their own right.
Perhaps that’s why they exemplify tolerance, moderation and respect — because it’s people they care about, not arbitrary ideals and principles.
It reminds me, in fact, of something Ian Fleming wrote in the first James Bond novel, Casino Royale:
“Surround yourself with people. People are so much easier to fight for than principles.”
Easier to fight for, yes — and also, so much more difficult to betray.
I TOTALLY AGREE. Our group Sex Positive St Louis aims to be inclusive, so we attract a lot of 50+ single white guys. Some are creepy. I won't list examples, as I don't want to alienate people, but let's just remember to respect other's boundaries and work on our social skills.
Regarding the bit on Julian Assange:
I really have never heard him described as feminist. I have heard him described as:
* Like a James Bond Villain
* Creepy
* Arrogant
* Kind of a Douche Bag
* Prima Donna (and stealer of credit)
The issue with the allegations of sexual assault are... the British Government made them up. They used those allegations that the Swedish Government from the European Union had him on sexual charges. Which Sweden kind of was telling the world (just not on any of the media, as this part was not posted, much): guys, we do not know what you are talking about. We do not have any charges on Julian on record. The fact Sweden didn't have charges kind of only acted as a footnote to any of the stories.
Essentially, the UK Government, made up charges in another country, detained Julian Assange, with a false threat to deport him. One they specifically would have issues making true on (allowing Julian to be in UK Police Custody for much longer, based purposely having Julian lost in the government system). Then told the media: the guy was a rapist.
BTW: this is kind of a standard approach for dealing with people who get too far into the government's knowledge. They kind of watched how people handled the whole Micheal Jackson thing about a decade ago (honestly, nobody honestly knows if MJ did that... but they do strongly believe one way or another)... and decided to apply a similar tactic onto a guy like Julian Assange. Who technically was not breaking any law... BUT he was ticking off a lot of governments. So, he gets picked up, strong handed, threatened over it... then has everybody thinking he is a rapist because of it.
Assange kind of experienced something akin to what a lot of people experience when being raped. He tried to joke... but no, wait--let's put this more accurately: Julian experienced what a lot of children go through when they are raped... as fvckin' adult.
So show a bit more class next time you write something like this?
I wonder how much of this is a late night rant. I'm a teacher, and I see this in classrooms all the time, parents do it all the time, it's all over society: we love our little girls, don't we? All the attention and energy goes to the girls, and boys are basically left behind to catch up in special ed (90% boys in my school make up the SpEd dept. and it's disproportionate across the state) and told they're bad because they're boys. All my uber-hetero guy friends from college (who don't walk around proclamating how much of a feminist they are --that should have been your first clue) treated women with honesty and care, and were quite frequently either already discussing the feminist issues from class or willing to have conversations with me... Not ALL straight, white, cisgender men are assholes, just because the loud ones are or because there are a few phonies in your club. Are all Masters abusers, just because those are the ones in the paper? We're not getting anywhere by pointing fingers at an entire group OF DUDES WHO WE WANT TO INCLUDE ('cause wouldn't it be nice if they were all sex positive too?). And Kyle Payne? Dude. Anyone who thinks porn is bad for women is an idiot and a sex offender waiting to happen. You didn't see that coming? Really? Until women (who have already figured this out) AND YOU SUPPOSEDLY PERFECT SEX-POSITIVE MEN start rejecting these terrible people with thrusting a brick of tungsten in their crotches everytime they act like a douche, they're not going to change. I think you need to take "Argument and Debate 101" again. I mean gosh, you don't even make any suggestions here, just complain.
"The problem is: There are straight, white, cisgender men who certainly don’t do me any fucking favors." I'm sorry but an entire group of people is not going to do you a favor. I think the problem here is you're expecting favors from a group of people with mutual hatred. There are way deeper socially in flux issues going on causing this issues, and you didn't talk about any of them.
Update: we just had another SEX+STL event and got reports back from attendees that there was one guy who was creeper stalking and making others feel uncomfortable. He was the same guy who sat front and center when I was nude modeling and STARED AT ME for half an hour, no sketching, no chatting with others. I happen to know he is single and has Asperger's. I've spoken to him once before about his behavior, and we will speak to him again, as gently as possible, letting him know specific behavior that makes others (especially women) uncomfortable. People deserve to know what they are doing that puts people off, in the hopes they can change and be more successful socially.
He starts with a title statement that says ANY Straight White Cisgender Male = Creepy, since there are no qualifiers in the title.
Well, it is not the New York Times, but he should know better.
Then he talks about men who, as writers, pretended to be women to get a point across.
Lately I have been hearing women on the radio defending their right to write what they did.
Roland must have skipped the great classic literature class in college, where they studied women who wrote major works under a male pseudonym.
Then he acts as if Julian Assange is actually guilty, without a trial. No mention of CIA, no mention of the woman's political connections, no mention of her previous blogs about getting even with boyfriends that went with another female, etc. If this was reporting it would be called shameful and possible liable.
And he acts like a comedian is expected to say his lines in a straight forward non-humorous manner.
I think Roland just needed to get laid, and the only way he could think of was to dump on others that look like him, leaving him open for play.
Reese - I'm so sorry it's been 8 months or so since you left this comment. It's adorable! I love the way you wade in by pretentiously attacking my "journalistic credibility" and then finish up by suggesting I get laid! It's almost as if you're completely oblivious to the inherent hypocrisy in that. Fine work, sir.