Playing with Fire

BDSM play is playing with fire. The goal of any scene is that a top will bring the bottom to the point of their limits without going over. A lot of literature focuses on the physical concerns because even the most common BDSM play can cause lasting damage when not done correctly, but there are also the psychological and emotional impacts that are played with in a scene. In fact, in my experience, the physical is just a tool that is used to access the psychological in most cases. Each person walks into a scene with their own unique psychological makeup, and each scene is different no matter how many times people have played together. Sometimes things don’t go perfectly, which is okay.

How you deal with it is what matters. Even two people that communicate very well about limits and boundaries will have issues arise during or immediately following play (i.e. me and my dominant). And it is fine. How it is dealt with is the important thing. Both parties are responsible for fixing it.

I want to let you peek behind the curtain here. My dominant and I played. During our scene, he had pushed at a lot of my phobias. Our play had gone to the next level that we had negotiated. We finished having sex and he immediately got up to use the bathroom. He didn’t say anything to me. He just dressed and left the room.

I have severe abandonment issues and I become very emotionally vulnerable after play. He intended to come back right after he went to the bathroom and got something to drink. He didn’t tell me. All I knew was that this man who I had let in just dismounted and walked out. Something snapped in my brain, and by the time he came back, I wasn’t me anymore.

I reinitiated sex with him. I wanted to make him submit to me. I needed it to fix things. I tried to restrain him, and in doing so did it in an unsafe way. He let me get it out, but it set off his PTSD. I left sobbing. We took some time apart to get our heads on straight. We came back and talked about what happened. We both took responsibility for what happened, and we both set guidelines for the future that ensured that it would never happen again. Both parties are responsible for addressing issues that arise.


It’s about talking responsibility for what happened, and working to fix the problem and never letting it happen again. Being a bottom does not mean that you are absolved of all responsibility. You may have given over control to the top, but by doing so, you made a choice to consent to what was negotiated. If something doesn’t work right, it is on you to step forward and make sure that you are taken care of. A top has the unenviable task of not only know what you tell them, but also reading all the other clues your body is giving them, and the clues they have about your personality and emotional baggage. Mistakes happen.

Tops strive for perfection, but in the end, they are still human. Expecting them to know, see, and process everything is asking a lot of them. Many perform admirably. On occasion the unforeseen happens. Everyone needs to dig in and fix it.