General guidelines
For the purposes of this article, I'm doing to use "disabled" to mean "finds it difficult or impossible to do things that someone might ordinarily expect a sex partner to be able to do". This is a very context-specific definition. I'm also going to use it as a blanket term for short-term, intermittent, and permanent disabilities. For more information on the language used around disabilities and the nuances of terms like "disabled person" vs. "person with disability", see the resources at the end of this article.
1. Be creative, and as mentally and physically flexible as you can manage. Identify the things you like about specific difficult activities, and then actively seek out substitutes.
2. Communicate a lot, in and out of bed. Make sure everyone involved has the same goals, the same ideas of what works and what doesn't, the same ideas of why the things that don't work aren't working, etc.
3. Do a lot of research, from reading books and websites to talking with other people in similar situations. Fetish sites can be astoundingly helpful: for every disability, there's someone who thinks it's super-hot, from deafness to amputation. If you can get over being unnerved at having inadvertently become someone's fetish object, reading or watching porn that features people like you can be a font of useful (or horrifying) ideas.
4. Remember that being disabled can be really exhausting, especially if you're learning to cope with a recent injury or change. The world is designed for the able-bodied and neurotypical; those who fall outside of "the norm" have to endure a daily struggle to compensate. Aside from all the specific situations discussed below, the single most likely effect of disability on your sex life is that the person with the disability will be too tired for sex. Respect this and allow for it.
5. Don't harm yourself in the pursuit of pleasing your lover. Advocate for yourself, and if you need to stop or there's something you're unable to do, say so. If your lover says "I can't", believe them, and always be prepared to look for workarounds or just call it a night and try again another time. Disabilities are real. Take them seriously.
6. Remember that disability can happen to anyone, at any time. About 80% of adults in the U.S. will be disabled at some point in their lives, and that statistic doesn't include temporary disability from injuries like twisting an ankle or breaking a finger. So even if this article isn't relevant to you now, it almost certainly will be someday, either when you become disabled or when you get involved with someone who is.
1. Be creative, and as mentally and physically flexible as you can manage. Identify the things you like about specific difficult activities, and then actively seek out substitutes.
2. Communicate a lot, in and out of bed. Make sure everyone involved has the same goals, the same ideas of what works and what doesn't, the same ideas of why the things that don't work aren't working, etc.
3. Do a lot of research, from reading books and websites to talking with other people in similar situations. Fetish sites can be astoundingly helpful: for every disability, there's someone who thinks it's super-hot, from deafness to amputation. If you can get over being unnerved at having inadvertently become someone's fetish object, reading or watching porn that features people like you can be a font of useful (or horrifying) ideas.
4. Remember that being disabled can be really exhausting, especially if you're learning to cope with a recent injury or change. The world is designed for the able-bodied and neurotypical; those who fall outside of "the norm" have to endure a daily struggle to compensate. Aside from all the specific situations discussed below, the single most likely effect of disability on your sex life is that the person with the disability will be too tired for sex. Respect this and allow for it.
5. Don't harm yourself in the pursuit of pleasing your lover. Advocate for yourself, and if you need to stop or there's something you're unable to do, say so. If your lover says "I can't", believe them, and always be prepared to look for workarounds or just call it a night and try again another time. Disabilities are real. Take them seriously.
6. Remember that disability can happen to anyone, at any time. About 80% of adults in the U.S. will be disabled at some point in their lives, and that statistic doesn't include temporary disability from injuries like twisting an ankle or breaking a finger. So even if this article isn't relevant to you now, it almost certainly will be someday, either when you become disabled or when you get involved with someone who is.
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